notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Sharyn, I think you’ve been here on AC long enough that families start out with Good Intentions about Splitting the Cost of caring for parents. Then eventually NO ONE is helping but the One Sibling with a Soft Heart/Conscience/Duty, etc… I would not agree with that splitting of the cost…..As for conservatorship, do you really want it? It’s a very heavy responsibility. I think you and hubby will need to sit down and talk about it – the pros and CONS. If you’re going for it, atleast go into it with Wide Open Eyes AND knowing that it will fall on YOUR shoulders only….I had taken a peek this morning on AC and it had your old avatar. Then when I’m reading while I was eating dinner, I saw your kitty!
Hi Alexandraki. Sorry about the stress you’re going through. I have a temper problem (I guess it could be called anger problem). Still working on it.
Follows a long tradition.
Jessie~I know what you mean about just being kind. Life isn't like that in reality. I too protect myself...I guess more than I thought. I try to understand both sides of a situation which ends up making me wishy washy.
Sharyn, do you think some other relative could become conservator if it is needed? It would keep some financial distance between you and your mother. Is there anyone you trust enough. I know the state will take on guardianship of people, but I hear that the state can make a terrible mess for the family at times.
Switching gears a bit -- I have been catching up on this thread. People here amaze me at how kind you have stayed. I'm afraid I've become a porcupine doormat. People can still wipe their feet on me, but it is going to hurt when they do. Sometimes I worry about coming too mean in protecting myself. Often I am ashamed when I see myself be mean. It isn't like me and I don't like it. I think of how nice it would be to just always be kind.
Welcome! You will find a lot of support here.
Trying hard to care for my four daughters and my mom who is living here in my city in a nursing facility due to stage 4 lung cancer. Relationship with my spouse is currently very strained. I have had the anger problem and have pushed him too far. Right now trying to fix everything and deal with my narcissistic mum. I am trying very hard to keep thinking positively, I use The Secret and fortunately have a therapist.
I think my sister is over reacting to the situation with my mother. If I am being to laid back on this issue please help me to see that!!! My sister called APS and she said they told her our only choice is to file for a conservatorship. I really don't want to do this because 1) it is very costly and the fees don't end once a conservatorship has been granted. Reports of financial handling must be provided to the court every two years (more fees), anything we decide to do for our mother is monitored through the court (more fees). 2) I don't want to strain my own financial situation. We have finally gotten to a place where we have "some" financial freedom after raising our children, etc. I don't want to be back into a situation of having debt (in this case with an attorney and the court). Am I being selfish in wanting to let things ride in regards to my mother's situation hoping the Alzheimer's will progress to the point of where she will be more manageable? I know I have talked about this before and you are all probably tired of talking to me about it. Maybe I'm in denial of the situation because I just don't want stress in my life so I am hoping it all goes away as mother progresses. If my two brothers are willing help split the expenses along with me and my sister adding our share, it will still end up costing each of us a lot of money. I guess my biggest concern is that I don't want to involve my husband in this but he is the biggest wage earner in our marriage so he would be the one paying for this. I am only getting 24 hours a week right now at work. What to do.....
You know, I can excuse every now and then if I've been in a social situation if someone doesn't introduce me, because they've had too much wine, forget names and all of that. I try not to do that, though because I just have a thing about wanting to include people, and think it's just the civil thing to do.
In my sister's case, she's done this before, and I know I really haven't made it a point to let her know, that it's rude. Yes, I'm not shy about introducing myself.
But this was a moment too, of being in the company of someone you know all too well, their games etc.
You're right, she isn't fun. She is the one who looked foolish!
After all, I did go out of my way to attend her boyfriend's moms funeral.
I really did not know the deceased either, must have met her maybe 2 x's.
Thanks Austin, Much Love, Margeaux
Yes, my sister is always up to something. We since childhood were close on account of what we had to endure within the family, not for reasons such as we shared common interests, nor think alike. I call her "Land of a Thousand Judgments." She's a very competitive and jealous person.
It's only in the last seven years, that we somewhat came together via mother's and the aunt's health problems. No matter what, I try to maintain a posture of neutrality as much as I can, for our mother's sake. However, throughout much of this, my sister's ugly ways come out. She runs on high emotion and drama!
I don't!
Yes, the week right after she did this to me, I thought it odd, that she was leaving messages, emailing me, etc., as this isn't her usual method of operation. I was going with my gut instinct here too, it felt very insincere. I feel that there are just too many other situations that exist between my sister and me that I can't put into a "nice," category. For example, she has an obnoxious daughter, who lives w/her, and our mom. She's a big moocher. My sister complained about daughter's behavior some mos., ago. But my sister is the type, who just wants to complain, but doesn't want to hear anyones opinion. This niece makes visits at mom's unpleasant to say the least; she puts out vibes, that mom's house is her house, kind of like visitors aren't welcome.
Well, as I've said before I'll be on the lookout!
Thanks Bookworm! Much Love! Margeaux
This story you have about your brother's absence in your mom's health, and yours and sister's lives sounds familiar. We've two brothers. They do what I call doctor visits over there at moms. The elder of the brothers is the one who has loads of dysfunction going on in his household, he has that orphanage going on over there. His wife left the scene back in May of this year, hasn't been back.
He apparently up until now hasn't even gotten together with her to discuss a formal separation, nor divorce. Mind you, he's was the Golden Boy. But after, all the irresponsibility shown on his part for lack of management of mother's and narcissist aunt's assets, and their own welfare, that's when the POA was given to my sis and the youngest brother.
The youngest brother has stepped up to the plate by doing a lot of repairs on some dilapidated conditions for properties owned by mother and our aunt,(while she was alive). But he too, as the Golden Boy, on an emotional scale are unavailable!
They've really have had very limited involvement with both mom and her sister, w/their various health issues over the last few years. The youngest brother IMO, is nicer than Golden Boy. But his wife (my sister in law) answers for my brother. Most things concerning my brother are channeled through her. I know this used to bother me more in the past. But one day I realized, that if my brother 's behavior was really more of involvement, maybe his wife wouldn't be this person either!
But yes, it must be frustrating for you, especially what I'm hearing, that when you've decided to keep his health issues from your mother, so she would start paying so much attention to them. This must not feel good for you either, since it implies that your mom even given your brother's lack of involvement, is still revered by your mother. Oh, I know this behavior all too well!
My youngest brother, many years ago had a child when he was very young, not ready. Our mother for her traditional religious reasons convinced this brother he should marry the girl. Well, that wasn't good, he divorced this girl, and then had this little girl to financially support. Back in those days, he had the little girl every two weeks on weekends. Guess who was doing all the babysitting on those weekends, my mom! My brother was free to get out the door and live his young life, carefree as if he had no responsibilities. Mother would have never done this for my sister nor for me! My mom always has had this attitude of revering her sons way more than we women also. So I completely understand the gender bias in families. Yes, I would maintain a posture of not telling your mom, nor your sister everything. I do this. It just keeps things more simple in the long run.
O.K., take care, Much Love! Margeaux
I liked the analogy you made, "the leopard not changing their spots."
This is exactly what it is with my sister. I must admit, I felt bad even having to dish my own attitude towards her there at that table, when she didn't introduce me. But she does this doormat treatment towards me, every now and again, interesting how it always seems to surface in front of other people. On the way home that day, I thought about it, and after much thought, I was okay w/how I handled the situation. I know this is where it takes some courage on my part to stand up for myself. But with respect to my own dysfunction about this treatment, it comes from both my parents. Since I being the eldest, I was very trained by mother and my father, to always look the other way, somehow succumb to this kind of bad behavior by my sister, who always was domineering since she was a child. Instead of putting my sister in her place, and teaching her to share, and that NO, she couldn't have her own way all of the time. But this was favoritism on my dad's part in some fashion, and plain neglect on mom's part, (she wasn't interested in doing the discipline), too self absorbed.
But oh well, we're adults now!! I'm really trying to catch myself in these old behavior patterns. They don't serve me!
Thanks Emjo for your input! Much Love, Margeaux
Yes, I truly must be on my guard with my sister. She's really cunning about trying to get me back in her graces. HAAH! What graces I ask myself?? Really!
This is a challenging situation, since I knowing what I'm dealing with, on the one hand, as I did that day, thought it was a moment for me to stand my ground in that scenario. But also, be on the lookout as to what my sister's next move is, to try to reel me in.
Margeaux, I think your sis is up to something. She purposely did not introduce you at the party. And that just made her look bad. Wonder what she's up to? Must be something big. Well, when she springs that surprise, remember to tell us! I'm so curious about it.
I live in a modestly small home compared to my mother's home. She has criticized it and knocked it so much because nothing is ever good enough for a NM. My sister's home is quite large too, but she has that home as a result of her divorce, it's not something she bought on her own. My mother has always criticized me for not having a larger home. For many years it bothered me that she saw me as being less than my sister. I have a wonderful husband, we have a home we have built together for 35 years and my mother cannot see that part of it. I have told her if my home is not good enough for you then don't come here. My sister never developed any cooking skills so I am the daughter that cooks Thanks giving and Christmas dinners for my mother and my SISTER. I am still the irresponsible child in my mother's eyes. One Thanksgiving about 4 years ago, my mother came over and was criticizing my in laws and my husband, I finally told her if she didn't like things the way they are...then get out of my house!! She left, Lol!! I am proud of you for taking your power back...it is empowering when we do that and thank you for your support and for sharing, I am enjoying getting to know you better♥!!
I received an email from my long lost brother in Montana. Apparently my sister called him over the weekend telling him what is going on with our paranoid mother. He wanted my version of it. So I told him everything mother has been doing regarding her accusations toward us but mostly toward my sister. I told him to google paranoid personality disorder to get an idea of what caused our mother to be the way she has been, especially when we were growing up. I don't know what my sister expects our brother to do.
jessie, mother and my sister do the same - use things I share against me.. I have had to learn the hard way not to share much, and it doesn't feel natural. It IS terrible when we have to hide from our own parents. I have a friend of many years who is from a "normal" family, and we have talked about our mothers. I will never forget her telling me that all she wanted was to be like her mother. The idea of being like my mother totally scares me - she is the last person I want to be like!
Thursday, my wife will get an MRI done on her knee and we will see the doctor's assistant the following week. So, that is two more weeks until we have some sort of treatment plan.
I hope we both sleep better tonight also.
Emjo, I don't tell my mother much of anything because she will ultimately use it as ammunition against me. I don't even tell her if I have a friend I'm meeting, because she will keep pushing at me to pursue the friend more if it is a man. She uses anything I tell her against me. And forget telling her anything bad -- she'll broadcast it to everyone she knows. I find it's best to just tell her what she needs to know. It's terrible when we have to hide from our own parents. I agree completely about not letting your mother know about your trip. She would probably be upset if you did not end up making the trip all about her. You need some time to grieve with your friend and not worry about your mother. Hugs to you.