Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
sharyn – how is the detaching going? – love the sunshiny day song. I can see that you don’t want to contact APS unless absolutely necessary. Hope you are working thing out with your sis – not always easy I know. When is your mum taking the test?
margeaux – you had quite an adventure and a good meetings with your cousins. I know a couple of people who have used the free trial with ancestry.com and they got a lot out of it. I see your sis continues in her narcissistic ways. Did your cousin decide to do some caregiving for your mum? That’s quite a story about your dad and his first marriage.
cmag – good to see you here again – glad you have the tax business out of the way
u565425 – I can see why you are upset seeing your dad like that. I am not aware of any way you can get permission to get info about him and his treatment
mom29 – the games these people play! – lose-lose – How frustrating! Yes deep breath and keep laughing is good, as is stepping back. She sounds narcissistic – everyone else’s fault! Glad you are standing your ground. I know about wanting support and not getting it though being expected to give it unconditionally – doesn’t feel good. Yes, it is hard for you too. Vent away!
needanswers – how did you dad do with the driving test? Sounds like he shouldn’t be driving, I know it is hard for some to give it up.
JLR – sibling problems are painful – you need some support from them . I am sorry that your friends have bailed out too.- Glad you mum appreciates what you are doing for her.
Ladee – the only thing that came to me was “sisters”
QuechuaCare67 – there are a few threads about narcissistic parents -seems like quite a few of us have them – and narcissistic sibs too. It is very frustrating.
MIssSassy – how are things going – I think I read that you were trying to get your kid’s father placed. Hope some changes happen soon, so your life is improved.
CG1963 – hi again – sorry you were feeling kicked in the stomach. You certainly are doing what is needed – at least - but I know a narcissist will want you to give up every moment of your life. Glad you are maintaining your boundaries and keeping some time for yourself – it is necessary. Families do get burnt out caring for their seniors. I have felt devalued and underappreciated for years, - by my mum – for years –probably all my life. But I have learned to parent myself and value and appreciate myself. I know I will never get it from her – she is not capable of that. If you could detach more it would help you. ((((((hugs))))))
Sadinthepacific – I hear you how your immediate family suffers from the demands on your husband – hopefully it will improve once they pass –cold comfort, I know. Did you feel taken for granted before the caregiving started, or is this new? Would counselling help? Couple counselling would be ideal, but even to go yourself would help. I hate feeling taken for granted and tend to give some heavy –even loud - feedback when that happens. My sig other tends to want a happy home to come home too as well, but without putting that much into it, until I really point out what I am needing, in very definite terms. It can be hard work, but worth it. You are not his servant, you are his helpmate, and a person with feelings and needs too. Being that he is so occupied with his parents, and sister, which as we know is a hard job, is there any way you can get some of those needs met another way. However, I know that nothing can replace the feelings of closeness that you two should be having as husband and wife. There is a good Christian book called “Love Busters” – things that negatively affect marriages and there is a workbook to use with it. Another book is called “Hold me Tight”. I think you would recognise yourself in them.
Austin- you might be interested in these books too. I wish I had seen them at the beginning of our relationship. We are loking at them now, but some bad habits have crept in. I tend to not speak up about my needs until I have built up anger - he tends to be too independent. We all have areas we need to work on. When people have been hurt, they do guard their hearts. I agree that actions speak louder than words. Glad you got over a bump last week. You are a cookie monster are you? lol rain here which is welcome, but the cooler weather isn't. Winter is too long in this part of the world.
Love (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and prayers for all.
Joan
Life is full of compromises - and decisions. Just listening to a lady preacher who says decide when you get up to be happy today.There is something in that.
Hope you have a good one. Coffee with a girlfriend sounds good, and stick up for yourself with that guy - don't let the bad habits creep in.:)
((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))
I wish I was into those internet games. Then, I'd hook up with you and we can play against each other. But, I'm not into games - whether it's chess, checkers, etc...Although I do love to play SORRY! with the kids.
I wish I'm into instant messaging and we can "chat" that way but...I've tried that. I'm so uncomfortable talking to people on the phone (even with sis). I feel the same way with "chatting online." I prefer to talk to people by email, this site or in person.
Although I hate crying, why don't you first cry yourself out. Other than waiting for your friend to call, what do you love to do? Any hobby? Any "wish list" that you've always wanted to do but never did?
Before I became a caregiver for mom, as a teen, I've always wanted to volunteer for the hospital. Needless to say, I have absolutely No Desire to do that! But I still love reading. Anything you can think of?
I don't think doing yard work and house work on a holiday is productive for you. If I remember, tomorrow, I can Google for ideas. I just love surfing the web....I say tomorrow because it's about 11:15pm here. If you're having a bad time with this holiday, how will you be in Thanksgiving and Xmas!!! Maybe someone on this site who does celebrate holidays and have experiences can give you some tips.
Sometimes, I wish I live in the states. Then, I can just hop on a plane and meet with those who just needs some quality time with friends. Not family but friends. Wouldn't it be nice?
I wish I can brainstorm or tell you a funny story to cheer you up but I think my brain is getting foggy. I had an exhausting day and I still need to clean mom's trache. Would you like for me to tell you a true "scary" story? Oh, maybe not. I don't know if that's good since you live alone. I have LOTS of true "scary" stories. Forget that....I'm sorry Austin. The computer is now wobbling. I'd better quickly stop and clean mom's trache. My body is shutting down whether I want to stay awake or not...
You take care, okay. We do care for you a lot Austin. You have given us a lot of very helpful advice. I scrolled thru my AC Words of Empowerment file and I see your name on it. You hang in there. Maybe also post on How are YOU thread too? Have to go....HUGS!!!!
Having sis move in in December should help too. Wlll the paid caregiver come soon? I hope so. Looks like there is a little light on the horizon, or in the tunnel. ((((hugs))))
Decision: Oldest sis is moving in in December. If I can just last long enough for her to move in. Next argument in December, I can pack up for the weekend and spend it with sis or at a hotel using local rates. I won't worry about finding someone to cover since Oldest sis will be here.
I will also take my sis' offer to pay for a caregiver for Sundays.
I can't believe I was actually looking forward to caregiving parents after a hectic week at work!!!! Be careful what you wish for....
I seriously think you need a break. What would happen if you just walked away and stayed away for a while? Let your family know that you cannot do this alone anymore, and that you are going away for e.g two weeks. and you expect them to take responsibility for your parents while you are gone, and if they are not looked after, it will be their doing, not yours., So far they hardly help at all. The electrical problem should be fixed by your brother, and quickly. I have found for people who do not listen, or seem to care, that at times I have to create a crisis to make an impression on them, because all the reasonable asking and explaining hasn't worked. I don't mean you have to "throw a scene" though if that works for you fine, but simply tell them that you are going away for a while and it is up to them to take over from you. They can figure out among themselves who will do it. There certainly are enough of them, and they are taking advantage of you, and that should stop. Maybe this makes no sense to you and that is OK. I am concerned about you, and hate to see you get to this point. I am so thankful that you are not suicidal any more. You said that your thinking used to be that killing yourself was the only way to get away. It isn't the only way. You can walk away. The result to your parent's care is the same. Someone else has to do it. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, someone else would have to care for your parents,
What I see from what you wrote is that your sil and sis are concerned for you - so that you will go back and keep doing the caregiving - not that they are concerned for your parents, or someone would have changed diapers. That is appalling to me and the biggest kind of "using". Is there no social services where you are? I think you have answered that before, Would the church help? Anyway, bw, you need to help yourself as this is too much for anyone to bear alone, (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) and prayers - Joan
I'm home now. I came back at 3pm and SIL and daughter did not change father's pampers since lastnight. I walked in and the livingroom was stinking of his overnight urine smell. I didn't care. I sat down while sis came too for support. I finally changed them at 5pm. He was really soaking wet. And I had no feelings at all for him. He tried to talk nicely to me. But, his words this morning was so vicious that at the moment, I'm still numb. I'm really really sad right now. I think it's the depression trying to pull me back down that tunnel. I AM NOT SUICIDAL! I just feel so, so, sad.
Sis felt so bad. She tried all day to cheer me up. Went shopping but I was so quiet. Tried to get me to eat lunch but I just wasn't hungry. Still not hungry. He keeps trying to talk to me, I just can't talk to him. I just make the TV louder to drown him out.
Just venting. Actually, I wasn't go to comment until I read your post CG.
Sadinthepacific, I hate to say this to you while you're feeling at a loss on where you fit in the scheme with the inlaws. But, Please Just be Grateful that your husband has not invited them to live with you! Or even worse, to decide that you all move in with his parents! Count your blessings. Trust me, I've read enough on this site about those situations..... I believe that by the time your husband comes home, he's too tired to spend time with you and your son? I'm not a parent and it's kind of difficult for me to give you advice. But the only thing that keeps popping into my head is: can you and him put aside - even if it's once a week - time just for you and your son? May it be eating out - like MacD or Dennys, etc...? Or go to a movie? Or rent out a video that you all can enjoy (or pretend to enjoy since most males like violent shooting movies.) Maybe find a 30min TV show that the whole family can watch,laugh, etc??
I was just reading your post about your work situation.
I'm very sorry that these two younger workers are making you feel this way.
While I was growing up, being the eldest of four siblings a lot was expected of me since my two parents were working full time. So we had no stay at home mom. Guess who became that person. My parents each in their own ways, favored my siblings for a variety of reasons, so there was definitely lots of favoritism at play in the family dynamics.
So I know for certain that this influenced the way I behave in situations, especially current day since my mom now is 92 yrs.old and my sister lives w/her, administrating the care w/paid caregivers. So if it's that I go there to relieve my sister when needed, or just to visit mom I on occassion get some kind of comment/dig/guilt trip by my sister who seems to think she's going to run things her way, no matter what. Now I understand when you say that you are on a healing path, and as I understand want to take the high road. I try doing the same w/my sister. She usually tries to do these kinds of things as a way also to make herself out to be the martyr, because that's who SHE is.
I realize that in a work scenario this is different, because all of you are getting paid to do this. But anyway, do you think these people are trying to look better in the eyes of your employer by this behavior? I would suggest if I may, as did Sharyn that you document some of this. We all want to take the hight road, but even I unfortunately get my buttons pushed by my sister even if I try not to allow this. But this is in a family dynamics.
Your feelings are valid, don't ignore them. Be aware w/these two co-workers.
Anyway, it is good that M & S's needs come first for you, and that their family realizes the truth of the matter. Lots of Love & Light! Margeaux
Oh, I re-read my post, sorry for some typos.
Margeaux
First of all, I'd like to thank you for a hug you posted, I believe it was almost a month ago. You sent me an explanation about your situation of which I had a lot of questions. Anyway, I noticed you'd been communicating more w/some others on this thread.
WOW! What a family story. Honestly U565, how do you deal w/your mom and sister!! I comment you for the trouble, and obvious good involvement you've shown w/your dad's health. What is it about other family members that do sabotage? Does your mother have some mental health issues?
Anyway, I feel for you that you had that ID theft committed against you and your husband, no less as I understood by your own sister!
I guess once the Dept. of Family Services has been enlisted it can get ugly, which is more than apparent by what you've described, of the nursing home trying to bar your visits to your dad.
Well this other post I read later re: your dad having signed over the DPOA, all orchestrated by your mother!! Given all the details you wrote, that he has had issues w/alcohol, brain damage how could a signature for DPOA be valid!
Maybe you should go speak to an attorney about this matter.
But I realize also, that when you loved one has suffered a stroke as is in the condition your dad is now in, time is of the essence. Well no matter how difficult all of this is for now, try to focus on when you are w/your dad w/the pureed food you prepare for him.
I understand this situation, as my dad who had cancer towards the very end of a his life suffered a stroke. He was hospitalized. Meanwhile, the DPOA's-mom, and then my brother; I must include my sis-the controller were all arguing one day in front of dad who was unconscious by now in his hospital room. I was so angry at them that day, and advised them to at least leave the room while they were having a heavy discussion about legal issues. Even though dad was unconscious, I felt or thought maybe he could hear what was going on! Well, they left the room. I stayed with dad and really this was to be my last time there w/him. I said little things in his ear. Dad squeezed my hand as if indicating he knew I was by his side. This for me, was my confirmation that he could hear what was being said.
Anyway, I know it's rough at this time for you. Hopefully while you are at least visiting, it's you and your dad by yourselves. You will be in my thoughts!
Love & Light! Margeaux
It was quite interesting attending the family gathering to see what my cousins remembered about the family so we could start doing more research about them.
Our eldest cousin, who considers herself the matriarch had some info. But she is a narcissist also. I personally was hoping she would stay on track about our side of the family. Her sister, provided us with what I consider more solid information.
She had a document, a birth certificate for the three eldest siblings of my dad.
That was very interesting.
So I started to do an initial search through Ancestry.com. I did find some things there. There's a fourteen day trial offer made, which provides one with more information about people. So I think I'm going to go with that. Have any of you used this, and were you pleased with the service?
But what I did find, were records regarding my dad in a Census. At that time he was married to his first wife. He had five children with her. My siblings and me didn't hear about that family until I was about 10 years old. They started to get married, so we were invited to their weddings.
Dad never talked about details, such as when he was married to the first wife, etc. He did support this family financially. But unfortunately didn't have much of an emotional relationship w/them. We were told stories about how difficult his ex-wife was, on that note. It appears the ex-wife brainwashed dad's kids. There are two sons who did try coming around to visit dad, they must have been in their twenties. So this happened when they were young adults. But the eldest son, (when we saw him at weddings) never acknowledged dad. So of course, we had to bear the brunt of this. Anyway, through that Census, I discovered that dad must have had that first son at a very young age. I think this son could have been possibly 11 or 12 yrs. old when my dad left the marriage. So this could explain why that son seemed so resentful towards dad. This happened at two of the weddings we attended; he didn't say hello to our father. It was difficult enough being told at 10, that dad had a whole other family. It was equally as difficult witnessing his son, ignoring my dad and sensing that dad didn't feel good about that. But I remember the fact, that for I knowing what a wonderful man my dad was, it was unfortunate that things were as such; that his kids from the first marriage became so brainwashed into thinking their dad was a bad guy and had abandoned them. So our family inherited a lot of that dysfunction, I'm sure!
I am certain his ex-wife was a narcissist. She apparently even had three more kids after the ones she had w/dad. She gave those last three dad's last name.
My dad didn't even know about that. All of her kids thought that even those kids were dads. It wasn't until one of the last three was to be married and it was in the days when people took the blood test before marriage, that the truth came out.
Whoah!! The **** hit the fan, over there apparently between dad's legitimate children and their mother.
But nevertheless, it's exciting to find out information about the family. I did discover several new names of great grandparents. That's exciting. When I find out more, I'll share it. Margeaux
Yes, my cousins are very nice women. They like my mom. She being really one of the only elders from the older generation left, so I know they kind of look to her as a mom. Well, my sisters willful attitude, was really what annoyed me.
Boy, the DPOA stuff, is so convoluted, isn't it? Legalities! I really didn't quite understand some of this, still don't know I do, but that post about my brother getting it revoked and re-written so that my sister and younger brother now have it.
I've been realizing what responsibilities kick in, and when they do.
Oh, when I read you post about your mom and the driving test, it made me think, why does an elder in her condition have to go through this? No matter what, poor thing! If only that doctor would have been more thinking and signed that paper for DMV.
Well, you know sometimes when we have people like we've w/ALZ, things just start to unfold and w/o any input on our parts. Hopefully some of the necessary things that need to happen so that you can finally be in charge, w/o the resistance from your mom will happen for you in a good way. Your unbelievable!
Love & Lots of Light Sharynmarie! Margeaux
Oh, Thank You for the hug! Not at all Austin, I always welcome the comments here.
I know you're not criticizing. But I too wanted to make sure that you understood the situation. I know, sometimes we post about things but it's pages ago. We can't remember all the details. I many times go back several pages just to try to keep the facts about lots of people here clear in my head. Ha, ha!
You welcome also. It feels very comfortable here, our community.
Love & Light to you my dear, Margeaux