The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Teacher, it would be difficult for your parent to embrace the caregivers since they are "strangers." Would it be possible for you to be there for the first couple of visits? Help to get everyone comfortable with each other. Talk small talks, talk about the past, etc...Then when parents are comfortable with these caregivers, they (or atleast your mom) will say/do something if your dad goes against them.

It also depends on the caregivers. I've met some who comes to sponge bathe my parents. Some of them are so quiet they don't talk. They're just here to do the job and that's it. Some are so friendly, that despite my dad's mouth (verbal or sexual harrassment comments), they are able to respond jokingly to him ...or just ignore it and change the subject. These are the ones that I noticed knows my dad. To distract him, they will bring up his favorite subject like health issues or herbals or his stroke. When they leave, my dad will say, "I like Clara." etc...Teacher, trust me, my dad is Known here for his mouth. My brother has a difficult time finding a paid caregiver. They don't even want to recommend anyone because they value their relationship with the other caregiver!!

Emjo, I think you should maintain contact. I also agree with cat - you can exchange emails. When you feel comfortable when they ask again about your sibling/mom, you can then decide to do so.

May I also give a little heads up, if you ever do decide to communicate by FB, please note that Everything you post on FB is NOT private no matter if you set it as "private." FB has been known to "sell" information on FB member's private info. Per HLN news...If you want to exchange some personal information, I strongly recommend the "outdated" mode of emails.

From experience, one day I met my 2 aunties at Kmart. We got to talking. I must have been frustrated because it all came out - all the venting/frustration of caring for bedridden mom and my dad's terrible mouth (verbal abuse.) My aunts were surprised when they found out that "favorite" bro and family of next door were NOT helping me. They all thought sibling/fam were helping! (You see, when relatives come to visit, bro and sil comes over and act like they are helping, etc...) So, I'm just stating that only these 2 aunties and their husbands know the true situation here. All my mom's sisters/brothers think that my bro and his wife are helping. Sometimes, keeping your mouth shut and keeping the "family dirty laundry" as private - can work against you and give credit to those who do not even deserve it. FYI...both aunties strongly encouraged me to leave home and pursue my own life/dream. Sigh...I wish...

Hi Sharyn and Margeaux: Regarding family geology. My dad was the oldest of 6 children., born in Wales, UK, For some reason, my dad always felt like he might not really be born to both of his parents. My dad was born in 1922 and these were difficult years economically and his family lived with his paternal grandparents. His grandmother was especially fond of him, but both grandparents died young.

His dad then tried to get other extended family members to take on my dad's care; farm him out on siblings. I think this was why my dad felt like his parentage might be in question. His parents argued a lot and it scared him. There had been some whisperings of a dead previous wife, nothing a young child could really understand, but enough to make him wonder who his mom was and if he might have come from a secret previous marriage or relationship.

My dad never shared any of this with me until he and my mom moved to live next to us in 2005. After my parents moved here, my dad and I would walk together in the mornings and this would be the time he answered my questions and talked about his childhood.

I did not realize that any of this family drama existed, but in October of 2000, I traveled to Wales to visit my dad's family. The Grandparents were long deceased, but I stayed with my dad's youngest sister. My cousin, (my age) who had recently lost her husband was also living with her mom (the aunt I stayed with). Boy, did we hit it off and this is where I learned of the mysterious, previous, possible other wife that my Grandfather may have had. My aunt, who was caring for her dad in his last year came across an old marriage certificate. It was to someone other than their mother. She didn't remember the name because she was so stunned, but immediately asked her dad about it and he just blew a fuse and tore up the document. She asked him the burning question, was my dad a product of his first marriage of second marriage. The old man would not talk about it, so the family drama of "was my dad from the same parentage as his siblings?" continued.

My aunt also told me rumors of her dad and his brother going to a graveyard on a regular basis and it having to do with a past woman and a dead child. No one was sure if the dead woman and child applied to her dad or his brother, so the mystery continued. I don't know why they never investigated any of this as they grew older, maybe the culture of unanswered rumors was just more interesting.

I never asked my dad about this when I returned from Wales. I did, however, become acquainted with a local woman who did a lot of genealogy work and traveled to Salt Lake, Utah every year to pour through the vast stash of records that the Mormon church keeps for genealogy purposes. I gave her the name and birth date information I had on my Grandfather and asked if she would search for a marriage previous to his second. I also explained about a possible dead child, the whole graveyard thing and gave her the date of my dad's birth.

She did find a previous marriage for my dad's father. She had a possible lead on a dead child, but it wasn't much to go on. She gave me the document numbers needed for a copy of the wedding certificate which I had to write for and order. All of this happened over a period of several years, so I didn't get a copy of the marriage certificate for some time.

Hey it's getting late, so I am going to go to bed and finish this story tomorrow. It really is fascinating so I hope you will continue it with me.

Hugs, Cattails





Long story short, I found on Ancestry where my paternal grandparents had married and also my dad's birth records. As it turned out, my dad's mom was pregnant when she married my grandfather and my dad was born some months later. So he was their child and clearly not from some rumored earlier relationship.

continued.

emjo: If you like these people, just let them know you do and you would like to stay in touch. When the time presents itself, you can simply explain that the relationship between your mom and sister is stained. My guess is they will understand and probably already know more than you suspect. Don't let a potential good family connection go by. Just be yourself and take your time in sharing. If you chose to share with them, it will be because you feel safe. Hugs, Cattails

Margeaux~I think I am caught up now. My daughter called while I was posting to you and I lost it. My fault. I research my mother's family back to the 1700's. I was not able to find the country of origin though. I suspect it is Germany. I have a great-great grandmother on my mother's side (maternal) that is half Cherokee Indian but I can not find any information about her. I was able to get the ship name my father came over on to the US on in 1948 on Labor Day. I printed out all this information. My father came from Northern Ireland. I suspect his family originated in Scotland. He came from a small village called Upperlands and if you look it up it tells about the Clark family which my grandfather, uncle, and my father work for. My mother's brother was in the 82nd airborn during WWII and was stationed at one point in Northern Ireland. He met a young woman who worked at Port Rush (a sea side resort). The two fell in love and got married. The young woman was my father's sister. After the war they moved back to Pa. in the US and encourage my mother and father to write to each other which they did. Eventually my father came here in 1948 but my mother wanted nothing to do with him (red flags). After some months in Pa. he left and move to Ca. where his uncle told him he could get him a job. Shortly after my mother followed. An older couple (one of the first people my parents met in Ca) had a flower shop. The woman, Hazel started the flower shop by selling bouquets on the road side. Her husband, Frank, worked for Coca-Cola until the flower shop took off. This couple was the closest we (my siblings and me) had to grandparents. They were always a part of all our family events and had no children.. Hazel was such a role model for me and my sis in many ways. This is were it really gets interesting. Hazel and Frank were from Canada and got married in Reno, NV in the 1920's. However, Frank was already married with children. Hazel was a registered nurse in Canada. They met, fell love and staged Franks death. Amazing!!! They staged his death in a car accident where he lost control and drove into a fast flowing river and his body was washed away. I did not find out about this until the early 1980's. Hazel had such guilt as she got older and wanted to come clean with Frank's children. So off to Canada they went and confessed their story. One on Franks son's was not so forgiving in the beginning (understandably). Hazel wanted a clean state with God before she died so it was very important to her to clean all this up. She died in 1985 and Frank in 1986. I found out about Hazel and Frank when visiting my parent and my mother let it slip out. I questioned her and she told me their story. She and my dad had only found out a couple months prior. I was shocked at first but came to accept it quickly. Back to ancestry.com. I was able to trace my mother's family and so happy to get the ship manifest my father came to the US on. It is a great site and I hope to be able to trace my father's family in Northern Ireland at some point. End of my story!! Love and Hugs to you and everyone!!

Teacher~Welcome to our crazy thread!! I understand your post to say that your mother does not want home health care in her home? If that is the case, you can't force her as long as she is competent. You can however, explain to her that you must work for financial reasons and having healthcare in the home will help you out as well and herself. I suggest that you have interviews in your mother's home with her present so she is a big part of the decision. It is really hard for women to admit they need help when it is in their home. She has been the family manager for such a long time. Don't arrange for you mother to leave the home for down time right away. Let her get to know and feel comfortable with the caregiver for a while. After all,. this is her husband and she has been taking care of him for many years. Include her in the process so she feels she is still in control. Please come back here and let us know how things progress with you and your mother♥!

Margeaux~I can't believe I just lost my long post to you, LOL!! I have quite a story to share regarding ancestry.com and my family. I will get back to it tomorrow morning.

Wow, so many things going on in such a short time. I am going to add my 2 cents worth on all accounts here.
Joan~I do believe being honest is the best way to go. They may already have information on some level but may not be sure what is the truth. There is always hesitation when we put our heart on our shirt sleeve not knowing how someone will accept it. You said your mother is estranged from your cousin's son and you have been richly rewarded in connecting with him and his family through honesty. I suspect he has told his parents what happened so they already know a bit (possibly more) of how your mother is. You mention about your sister in Scotland and being asked about a visit. Is this whether you have visited her or are they wanting to visit? I am assuming this is the sister you have mention who is a lot like your mother only worse? I would suggest being honest but cautious until you feel that you can say more. Don't miss this opportunity with your relatives to establish a meaningful relationship with them. I say this because my eldest brother (the hero or golden boy of the family) has disowned me, my sister, and my other brother due to what I see as him being a lot like my mother and possibly an alcoholic. He is the brother who lost his son in 2002. He didn't tell us until the funeral was over. I tried in the spring of 2010 to reconnect with him. I told him I never really knew you because to me you were already an adult (8yr. between us). I also reassured him the my sister, brother, and myself did not embrace our mother's philosophy about life. He responded with anger that he was told he was not a Kelso (my maiden name) and that he has not heard from any of us in years. I tried so hard to explain to him that when I was raising my kids and working full time I lost contact with many people and I was trying to make amends to that now. As far him not being a Kelso, that came from my mother not from his siblings. He wants nothing to do with us. I get an email from his wife once or twice a year but she is usually asking for information. Develop this relationship and enjoy it in honesty♥♥!!

Emjo, I read your post about wanting to stay connected with you cousins.
Do you mean that you're feeling like you have to cover up the real obvious things about both you sister and mom? Oh, don't I know this feeling!

Now, i don't know what your relatives think about your sister. But in my family, my sister always sets herself up to look like a martyr. I think some of my family have always somehow thought of my sister being a real dedicated daughter, since she's the one who lives over there w/mom. The reality is that I've heard at times over the years how several of the relatives are aware that my sister is a controller. Like this weekend she did drive over to our place and invited me and my husband for lunch w/her & mom. After she does these kinds of things, I call it, "trying to weave me into her clutches, so she can make me feel a day later, that I'm not going to visit mom. The subtle guilt trips.

But anyway, I know that feeling this kind of dysfunction creates. Here you probably want to really share, and I'm not talking in a gossipy way about your family, to people who know them. But yes, as you wrote about that relative you wrote that 5 page letter to, his view of your immediate family sounds very distorted.
Good you said something on your own behalf.

Many times, when I feel as if one of my relatives is going to go on a rave about my sister, and certainly implicate a guilt trip w/me, I have said in so many words that my sister likes to control. But yes, I'm aware that some of them would never understand what we've lived through with our mother's sisters, etc. I'll give you an example. My sister's daughter, who I became close to, she being one of the first grandchildren, while she was a baby, I baby sat her, and was bonding with her.
Well, this served my sister, who at the time was breaking up w/this daughter's father. But as soon as my sister got wind of the fact my niece was bonding with me, she literally created a fight with me, and ultimately yanked my little niece from me emotionally. Boy, I learned my lesson early on. This niece is almost 30 yrs. old now. We've become a bit closer, now that she has a baby. But, sometimes it runs through my head, I wish I could tell her why I wasn't much in her life while she was growing up. But then I like you have this reluctance for a variety of reasons, one also not wanting my niece that I'm talking behind my own sister's back. You can see my sister has a real issue with jealousy!

Emjo, I'm confused just as you are on this issue. It's currently playing out again, w/my sister and one of our cousins, again jealousy at the core of it. Okay, but possibly some of these relatives know something about our sisters, and mothers not so ingratiating behaviors. Well, no definite answer, but I hope at least you know I have the same feelings about this matter. But you know what? If your cousins are nice people, and all of that, don't allow others to dictate by their behavior the good time you could have with your relatives, also. I hope this helps!
Hugs! Hope your allergy got better. Margeaux

First of all, I hope you all are doing well and taking care of yourselves. I include all of you in my prayers every morning.
I wonder if anyone has had this experience and can give me some advice. My parents are still living in their home and refuse to leave (years 87 and 90). I have connected my parents with a home care agency and they can have someone come out 2 days a week to stay with my dad while my mom gets a breather. My dad has been demanding that she leave and my mom just stands and shrugs her shoulders. He has dementia and has become very demanding, paranoid and unpredictable. I called the home care agency and they said that if my mom does not support the worker, they can do nothing. I thought that these visitors were trained to deal with this kind of situation. Any thoughts. I am not quite sure how to proceed. If I could be there I would, but I work.

Cattails, This apparently is a great tool for those of us who would like to really go deep w/in the family tree. I do understand also you asking your friend whether this was something his mother would want researched. While dad was alive, I think as I've stated anytime I asked, his information was very sketchy. But later, it seemed more to me anyway, that possibly he didn't want to remember some things. But I think these things are important. I think it could give us a better understanding of our ancestors, even if they went through struggles and what not; could explain many things too.

For now, it appears that my cousins who I'll be meeting in a couple of weeks will first try to uncover some oral history. Then hopefully, I can gather more info., such as dates of birth, etc.

I have a cousin on mother's side of the family, who has really investigated his family tree, and I think he went as far back as the 1600's. How cool is that!
Thank you very much for the information, truly appreciated, and from someone who has used it.
Hugs to you, Much Love, Margeaux

Emjo I would keep contact and just be honest and say only what you want to-I find the honesty is the way to go-if I understand what you are asking about-you want to be in contact with them -and you are honest by nature-they will either accept what you have to say or not-we are not responsible for their feeling or words they use-give it a shot nothing ventured nothing gained-I fine waiting a few days and pondering things in my mind helps me decide how I will proceed-I am not sure I explained myself fully-if you do not keep contact you may regreat it later on when it is no longer possible.

Sharynmarie, Wow, nothing worse than an elder who can no longer do these tasks that have to do w/their money, assigning them to someone in the family, and then it manifesting in paranoia! Well, I hope your mother is being o.k. with you. This is the kind of atmosphere we had going while my aunt was in the picture. I wonder if narcissists become suspicious by nature.

Well, I'm happy to hear of the outcome with your sisters prognosis with respect to the tests. Good for you that you are looking out for yourself also, trying to enlist her daughter.

Yes, talking about the family history does seem to put those missing pieces of the puzzle into place, it's real interesting to me on a lot of levels.
You and yours are in my thoughts. Hugs, Much Love, Margeaux

Emjo, I'm very happy for you that your mom is feeling better. Wow, she can get around in a scooter at 100 yrs. old, that's something in and of itself! She sounds like one tough cookie. This is interesting, we took mom to eat Thai food also, over the weekend when she and my sister came.

Yes, we do have to expect them becoming more frail. I guess it kind of yanked my chain, hearing the story from my sister first about dad. Then, she went into more emotional things concerning my mom, and how she's going to miss her when she passes, etc. But I don't know about my sister......a day later, I followed up with a call. At the end of our call, I told her that I'd probably be over there to see mom, and the tone of her voice sounded a bit like, a "yes, sure you will." Although she didn't say it quite this way, it sounded like this.
She apparently took the entire week off of work last week, since the caregiver asked for some time off. I never once heard from my sister last week. Interesting, because neither of my brothers ever go there and do the sleep overs w/mother, if needed. But I get these attempted guilt trips from my sister. I'm absolutely sure she never does this to my brothers.

Well, I'm happy for you Emjo that you are finding your mom more subdued.
Yes, and I guess this is many people's stories, having had some family members go to other countries for work, then relocating the rest of the family. I definitely know I'm not alone on this point.

Thank you Emjo for the support and hugs! Hugs right back at you, Much Love, Margeaux

I have a question - to tell or not to tell.
At my mother's recent birthday bash and family reunion, I reconnected with a couple of cousins, who I was close to, and found that time hasn't changed our relationship. We exchanged a few emailsm, and then I stopped, as "covering up" the family realities was just too uncomfortable. Their parents (my mother's sibs) knew her, and her problems very well. I think they also knew her interaction with my sis as some reached out to me, but not to sis. So I am in the unpleasant position of wanting to keep contact, which for me has to be pretty honest, but not wanting to wash dirty laundry in public (I know I do it here but that is different), and not knowing how to deal with it. One cousin mentioned something about visiting my sister in Scotland. I just clammed up. Another cousin has a son who lives in mother's city who has been helpful to her, but from whom she is now estranged. "I don't know why I don't hear from C anymore." Well, I think I know why, she criticised him over the reunion arrangements, and his speech of tribute to her, which he took on willingly, and did a very good job of. So that cousin probably has an idea of what goes on, in mother's case anyway. I do want to keep this renewed contact, and I know they are wondering why I have not responded. I took the risk of being honest with my sister's estranged son and family, and have been richly rewarded, and am developing a great relationship with them, and getting to know two very nice people, and their young son. I will send them some of the "family treasures" I got from mother, as they have been left out in the cold as regards my sis. Everything she has goes to her daughter and sil. Years ago, when an older cousin, prompted by mother, landed on me, I wrote him back a five page letter about our family. By return mail, he apologised, and said he had known there was something wrong.
Any wisdom would be appreciated.
Hope everyone is having a good day.

Margeaux: I was so interested in the story you shared about your dad relocating to the US. I've done some genealogy work using ancestry dot com. Hope that doesn't get bounced out of this post. It's really fascinating because you can check the census for your dad and his father...hopefully you know the names of uncles, etc. and the census has lots of info. Where they lived, professions, etc. You can look at the census and understand about the neighborhood they lived in and the professions of others in that area. Sometimes you can find what ship they arrived on, where they departed, dates of naturalization. Census data for where they were reunited. It gives you a sense of their history and it can be really interesting.

I've done some work on my dad's family, plus a little for friends. The ancestry site is a monthly charge, so I don't keep it up if I'm not in the groove, but all the information you find you can keep stored on your site if you want to go back and do more research.

I had a friend who was Jewish and he told me about his elderly mother who was sent to live in England as a child just before the war broke out. She never heard from her family again and always wondered what had happened to them. It really bothered her. I asked him if he would like me to poke around and see if I could find anything about her parents, grandparents and sibs. I told him I wouldn't do it unless his mother was absolutely sure she wanted the information. In addition, I couldn't do it without her assistance because she knew all the names and locations in Germany where her family had lived.

His mom was so happy to have me work on this. It was very sad, but I did find all of the family, when they were deported, where they were sent and where they died. When I had all the information, I again talked to her son and told him of my findings. I wanted to be sure, once again, that she wanted this information. She did and I printed all the documents out, maps and locations and mailed everything to her and also went over everything with her by phone. She told me that I finally had laid to rest 70 years of grieve and wondering.

FYI, none of this info was on my ancestry site. It was in different archives. No offence to anyone of German decent, but they were very good at keeping records during Hitler's day and many of those records are now available.

Anyway, I digress. My point in genealogy is fascinating and the little as well as the big things you pick up can be very insightful. I'm far from an expert, but if you want to pursue it you can do so with the help of these sites.

Sending you love and hugs, Cattails

((((((margeaux))))))) wow -that is quite a story, and must have been very hard on your dad and uncles, and also on the rest of the family. In those days families were often split with people travelling to the "new world" for work and a new life. It had to be hard on them. My grandfather was in South America and Canada for work, for a few years till he could bring the rest of the family over. I think that would have been easier, than splitting the kids up. Seven years is a very long time -1/2 a child's life.
Sorry you are seeng your mum get frailer, but they will, won't they? I know seeing that in my mum has affected me, and yet I know it is natural and will continue. I would be concerned about a fall too, Sounds like a walker in the house is a good idea. I can see it would be a very emotional day for you,

sharyn - sorry about your nephew - the 10th was hard -glad it is past now. Oh dear, the paranoia is a problem. Let us know what ideas you come up with for enjoying time with your mum.Mine just wants to sit and talk about all the negatives! Nothing new there. What wonderful news about the colonoscopy!!! Yay!!! A change in diet is much better than the other alternatives. I bet she is relieved. Keep us updated about the lung disease as you find out more. Does your sis manage her diabetes with diet and exercise, or does she need drugs? Did they say anything more about the pericardial effusion? Maybe it is tied into the lung disease. I don't see how you can do your job, look after your home, and your mum and your sister too. That seems like way too much. It makes sense to me for her to move closer to her daughters - especially if there is one who is normal.and could help. Personality disorders do seem to run in the families.
(((((hugs))))) to all

Happy Sunday!!

Joan~The 10th anniversary is a difficult one from what I have been told by many people dealing with the loss of a child/spouse. My eldest brother lost his son in May of 2002. I am happy to hear you are feeling better on all accounts and that your infection may be cleared up now! I will keep you and your grandson in my thoughts.
I am working on the "we" as well. My mother being the biggest challenge. I can be quite creative when I put my mind to it so I just have to find ways that I can have an enjoyable time with her that is mutually enjoyable. She closed out her checking account and opened a new one because she can't balance it, the big picture is, she blames my sister for it not balancing. Now that she has done this, my sister who was a signer on the account, is now no longer (paranoid thinking that sister is writing checks against her account).

The colonoscopy on Friday was negative!! They did suggest to my sis that she eat more fiber to bulk up and to use a fiber supplement. The intrestitial lung disease is basically pulmonary fibrosis that is chronic but treatable. Apparently smoking is not the cause at least from what doctors now know. The cause does tend to be unknown. I also looked it up and treatment seems to be steroids (which will raise blood sugar). My sis is already diabetic so I don't know if there is another way to treat it. She will have more info for me this next week as she will follow up with the cardiologist and the pulmologist.She is very positive and relieved that it is not cancer! I will update when I know more. (((Hugs))) right back at you!!

Margeaux~I can understand you and your sis's feelings regarding your father coming over to the US at such a tender age and being separated from his mom for such a long time. It is amazing when we get a look at our parents beginnings and can put things together. No, you are not out of place in suggesting my sister's daughters step up to the plate. Her eldest daughter is difficult (42 yrs. old) and I suspect she has a personality disorder as well. Her younger daughter may be the one to help. I honestly don't see how I can adequately assist my sister when/if she starts needing help 2-3 times a week. Driving the 45 minutes back and forth may not seem like much, but when I have to work on top of it, it can be a difficult task. My thoughts are that she may have to sell her house and move to Kentucky where her daughters live.

My thoughts are with you and Joan♥!

Hi margeaux - I think there is something about the 10 year mark. Others I know who have lost a child have found it particularly hard.My father, despite his shortcomings was caring and let us know he was proud of us. My mum's strength seems to be picking up. She uses a scooter to go through the very large mall complex attached to her facility, and sits on the facility balcony in the sun. They put a plaque with her name on it on a flower pot there for her 100th birthday, and she is quite proud of it. It seems she is able to eat pretty well again - my daughter and her family took her out for lunch in a Thai restaurant and she enjoyed it. She does seem a bit more subdued which helps me, or I am getting used to it. I suggested she tell me when the home care workers do something nice for her so I could reward them. One brought her some rice and some potatotes, as mother had run short and her shopper doesn't come till next week, and the worker didn't want payment, so mother wants to leave her some of her clothes when she dies. I may see if i can at least pay the worker for them.
I am thankful things are relatively quiet as I am dealing with an allergic reaction to a drug I am taking, which makes me lightheaded and so on. I have stopped the drug and hope the infection is over. The specialist is on holiday. my doctor seems to know little about what I have, so I asked the pharmacist for the same drug in liquid firm rather than tablet, as it is probably a filler or the coating that I am allergic too rather than the drug itself. I hope so. So far, after a couple if days, I am OK without it. I hope this continues because it would mean after over 2 years I am finally healed of the infection. YAY!!! I will try the liquid form in a couple of days, once my head is feeling normal again, to see if I get a reaction to it.
I will go to the city next week to get my hearing tested, and also to see my older grandson, and with my ex see if we can help him get some work, Finally he has realised that he needs to work to support himself. My ex thinks he can get him into a union, which should help a lot. There is work in his area. and connections should help.
Thanks for asking. I'll address your most recent email in a bit in a separate post.
(((((((hugs)))))

Well, today I had a heart wrenching talk w/my sister. It was about our dad.
Lately, I have some cousins from that side of the family who are interested to gather the family history information. We don't know enough about this, but my sister told me our dad had told her he came to the US at age seven, with 3 older brothers and their dad. Apparently the mother (my grandma) stayed behind in their country of origin w/several other kids. My dad and uncles didn't see their mother for another 7 yrs. WHOAH! This really choked my sister up as she was telling me this over the phone. I must admit, this affected me. It made me sad, to think of my dad at such a young age, not having his mom around at all. It kind of explained some of the dysfunction my dad would experience later.

Anyway, so then my sister brought my mom over to my place, and we went for lunch.
I saw my mom over the 4th of July. She looked more frail to me this time. She really is having a harder time walking. My sister said that I'm not sure it sounds like she took a fall over a week ago, fell on the rug, so there was padding. This happened while the caregiver was there, so I don't know, sounds kind of weird.
So my sister and the caregiver are really having her use the walker now even inside the house. I guess these are the moments where I can see the toll the passing of my mom's sister has taken on her also. Emotionally it was a rough day.

O.K., I hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Margeaux

Emjo,

There must be something about the 10th year after someone passes. It is 10 yrs. also I lost my dad. He's on my mind many times, but lately it's been more intense. He too was a wonderful soul. He had a great sense of humor.

How is your mom doing?
O.K., I hope you are dong well. Hugs, and you're in my thoughts! Love & Light!
Margeaux

Sharynmarie, How are you! I've been thinking about you and your sister.

Well, it is good that you've advised your sister about the sale of her home.
I'm sure it's every parent's dream to leave something for their children. But with her health problems, her future definitely comes into consideration here. I know you have mentioned that her daughter lives in Idaho. Does she have any relationship, with her, so they can be of assistance also? You have your hands full with your mom. Anyway, hope I'm not overstepping, to say that you may want to start enlisting them in this.

Well, you and your family continue being in my thoughts! Hugs, Hang in there,
Love & Light, Margeaux

cmag - glad the new meds regime is helping - you have been looking for an improvement for some time. Hope your mother's birthday went well.
sharyn - good advice to your sis to hang onto her money. Diarrhea and blood is not a good thing. I checked out diffuse interstitial. changes and it is a catch-all and could mean a number of different things. I had a bad session of grief this time, Some friendswho hjave lost a child found 10 years particularly hard too - so long, It all lifted yesterday about noon, thankfully. (((((hugs)))) waiting is hard.I know you have an update and I will comment on that separately.
Margeaux - I find doing the "we" thing doesn't come naturally, so I have to work at it in some areas. I am doing it now with mother pretty well all the time - need to for survival. The "having to practice at we" more is all tied in with getting approval - reinforcement - as a child for looking after others and not speaking up about self. I find it a hard pattern to break, but am better than I was. I agree it is more challenging with sig other, but feels good when you do it. Like you, for me it means taking control of my life, rather than letting others manage it. Thanks about Gordie's pic. His smile lit up the room, and he was a very friendly guy. There were about 600 young people at the memorial service in our town. We didn't know most of them, but they knew him.
beautiful day here - about 77 and sunshine. My kind of weather. Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Joan and Margeaux~ My sister has 3 separate issues going on so I will start at the top and work down to the "bottom" (pun intended).
1. She has an Interstitial Lung Disease
2. She has Pericardial Effusion (fluid around the heart)
3. She has chrontic diarrhea (colonoscopy on Aug. 3)

I do not know a prognosis or course of treatment. My sister knows more than what she has told me, but she is so behind at work and I will catch up with her on Friday.

My brother has Usual Interstitial Pneumonia/Fibrosis and has been receiving high doses of Prednisone. His variety is not fatal and he will eventually be weened off the Prednisone and only need to take a dose every other day. The scarring in his lungs will not progress (according to Stanford University). He had to have a lung biopsy to determine exactly what type of lung disease he had. My brother quit smoking at least 30 years ago so I don't know if smoking had anything to do with him developing this now. He was told he can live a relatively normal life using an inhaler especially when he goes into higher elevations which he and his wife like to do.
Thank you so much for prayers and positive thoughts♥!

Sharynmarie,
How are you doing? I read your post about your sister and her health issues.
Well, I just want you to know that both of you are in my thoughts.
Let's all hope for a good outcome. Take care, hugs, Love & Light to you! Margeaux

Emjo, Thank you for your response about the family issues I wrote about, w/sister and brother's children living with them. I too, had a problem that I've read the last couple of pages in the thread about losing a post, then I re-typed, and it appeared twice. Sorry about that to all.

Your post about thinking of relationships in the "we," really hit a chord with me.
I too had to be in charge most of my childhood with the siblings and my parents always working. On account of this, I know I was programmed quite early in my life to always be putting my sister, and two younger brothers needs over mine.
Of course, this gets transferred over to our other relationships like marriage, friendships and the like. But hopefully also, once we've realized who the narcissists, or demanding people are in our lives, considering the "we," it all gets easier, or like they say we go with the flow. Kudos to you! I have been doing this lately, even w/my husband (which sometimes is more challenging), I must say.
It feels good too! I think it feels good, because it makes me feel like I'm more in control, rather than some of these people controlling me.

The picture of your son is precious! It is obvious that he is a bright soul!

Well, we are in Mercury retrograde right now, so could be affecting the glitches we are experiencing also. Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan~We have not received any results as yet. Kaiser sends everything by email (pros & cons about receiving test results that way) but they are fast as they don't have to send anything out to independent labs like my insurance does. Hopefully she will get something tomorrow or Tuesday the latest. Friday she has a colonoscopy which I will take her in for the procedure. She has been having diarrhea for months now and blood was found in the sample. It has gotten bad enough she has been wearing depends this last week. This past Friday she had tests run with the Pulmonologist for COPD. She is very scared and told me yesterday that she (if it is lung cancer) will sell her house so her daughters can get their inheritance. I told her not to act so fast because she may need that money for her care, if it comes down to having to make that choice. She agreed she hadn't thought of that. She receive in the mail a diagnosis on the xray: Diffused Intrestitial changes which tell us nothing because we don't know what that means. I'm just hanging in there until we have definite answers. ((((Hugs)))) to you as I know you are working through your own emotions right now and I appreciate that you are thinking about us♥♥♥!!

emjo,

I'm doing better with the medication changes. I see my psychiatrist in the morning.

My mother's 81 birthday is tomorrow and I will see her in afternoon.

sharyn - you and your sister have been on my mind and I am wondering if you have any news. I think I would rather it be COPD too. God does have a plan (((((hugs)))))
caregiver 1963 - a belated welcome. I am glad you have reached the "fed up " stage. Thanks for the laugh - "if I said or did something that offended you, from the bottom of my heart, I dont give a shit" " Oh yes, I can identify. I hope you are not facing cancer. Do let us know. My experience is that narcissistic individuals do not care how you are, just how much you will do for them. I totally agree - your mum can use other resources, and if she does't like what you are doing, or not doing, she can suck it up, she can call her other daughter, she can take other transportation etc. Caregiver1963, totally agree. Look after yourself. I reached that point some time ago. I am still healing from the wounds of the past, and need to protect myself. My own needs come first most of the time. My mother is still well cared for - by others, and I oversee it. I arrange my times with her so they are mostly in public, where she curtails her comments. I know if I go into her apartment I will get the latest litany of woes and wrongs, and anger at her caregivers for not being perfect etc. and what I should do to put the world right - for her. Ain't gonna happen! Sorry I have been late in responding. I am dealing with the 10th anniversary of my youngest son's death and it is tough. Treasure the times with your kids.
cmag -how are you doing with the new meds?
austin -glad to see you back
margeaux - how are your family dramas - you do well to stay on the sidelines
tbailey - I am working on the "we" thing is all areas, and it is opening up my eyes
hope everyone is doing OK and having a good weekend
Joan

whoever created this thread must have been thinking of me because it fits my situation to a "T".....the family is no different now than it has been for the past decades. except all of us have gotten older and having been victimized by it I've reached the fed up stage...being my mother's caregiver with an older sibling who is too self absorbed, greedy and selfish to care about anyone else but herself, has brought me to the point of thinking "if I said or did something that offended you, from the bottom of my heart, I dont give a shit" because you never gave a damn the number of times you stomped all over me and made me the scapegoat for your issues...I am the only one willing to put up with my mother's bs until recently when I was told I may be facing cancer, and when the same concern I gave to them was not returned to me and they really could not care less if I am okay, after reading some advice from another thread on here, I had the final straw....for the first time yesterday I did not phone my mother to see how she was doing...she is of strong mind who lashes out at everyone in a nasty way, she has Lifeline on a pendant around her neck, she can dial my phone number if it is absolutely necessary and if she doesn't like my voicemail or the fact I dont return a phone call the minute after she leaves the message she can suck it up, and she has another daughter who can be called in an emergency...I needed a break and I took it with no regrets....I am putting myself first and I have decided that when it comes to my mother's next doctor's check up if she takes a tantrum and starts her swearing and yelling at me for now showing up 2 hours early I am driving away and she can take a volunteer medical driver....wondering if anyone else has reached this point...if you have, try a break and a more self centered attitude, it will do you a world of good and dump that huge load you have been carrying off your back