Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
He asked about my mother. I told him about her recent episode of accusing my sis and me of plotting her murder. He said she definitely needs to see a psychiatrist for paranoia...she won't go.
I printed out the form form from DMV to report her as unsafe. Sending one copy to my sister, keeping one copy for myself just in case sis stalls on sending it in.
I am not so sure I am calming accepting the idea of caring for my sister. I see her care as more challenging because of the distance between us. I did not take it that you were implying I didn't care or that you were criticizing me. Mother's recent episode got me thinking about how I feel. Time will tell and I will have to deal with when/if it does happen. On to the closet of clutter, thank you for listening♥!!
((((cat)))) scrambled brains - me too sometimes - the family stuff is not easy. Hope things will look up for you now, and you and your husband will do the things that have been put on the back burner, and that your dad continues to settle in well.
mother's latest is that she wants to knit to fill the time as she is less physically active than she was. This is a good idea, I think. This last session with the laxatives has made her milder, though no less critical, just less vehement about it. I suspect her energy will return, at least to a degree. So now I am hunting out knitting needles etc that I haven't used in years. She was an excellent seamstress and knitter years ago, and wants to make brightly coloured mittens! Nice to see something positive.
sharyn you were all "hepped up" about decluttering - have you made any more progress? It does help to chat about it I find.:)
love and hugs♥♥♥
I think medication would help my mother with her anxiety but getting to a doctor for that particular issue is difficult because 5 minutes after she accuses us, she denies she said it. In addition to that, when she is lucid, she knows what the medication is for and won't take it because she doesn't think she has a problem.
Thanks for your patience. Hugs, Cattails
How awful to have that mess left in your living room. I had renovations going on in my house for several years and it is very stressful. There are still small things to be done, that the guys didn't finish and I am going to have to hire someone to do them. G has the skills but not the time.
Sounds like you have a plan, sharyn. I can't even tackle one room yet, so It is one item at a time. I am aching today from yesterday's work. I hauled a leatherette chair that needs to go, out onto the front deck. Doesn't look great but it is the only way G will remember to take it to the thrift shop, and it will be gone soon. My living room breathes better now.
I have 2 bedrooms full of boxes etc. - about 1/3 is still mother's stuff and 2/3 G's. I am giving most of the family things away She went from a large two bedroom apartment to a small one room in an ALF, then 6 months later moved to another ALF into a two bedroom place, and bought all new stuff, and had sometimes asked for some of her old stuff back, But then she would change her mind. She doesn't seem to realize that I am 74, and can't do it myself, and Gary is too busy already with his job and the horses, though he has helped a lot. We have given and thrown away many of the big things. So when she goes, I will have another 2 bedroom apartment worth of furniture to deal with. It is nice stuff but you can only use so much, and we need to downsize! My sister takes the nice things that she wants and doesn't lift a finger! In fact, she left a box there for me to mail to her!!! aaaargh!
sharyn, glad your office/art room is getting done. I have cleaned out and designated a basement room for G's stuff, but it is not going down there, until it has been sorted and we have shelves up for storage.
Our floor needed some serious repairs, since there were some floor boards underneath a rug that were buckling and making it unsafe to walk over in certain areas of the living room. The landlady, who isn't cooperative at all, finally sent in two guys to do the job.
Oh! we had to pack up everything in our living room, they dealt w/removal of big furniture. She had to put us up in a motel for 4 days, until the job was done.
This was 3 weeks ago, and to date we still have the old rug, padding, old parkay floor boards and debris sitting out in our front lawn facing the street. This whole ordeal was quite stressful. He finally called the City on her to deal w/the debris issue.
So I'm all with you who are talking about the clutter. One doesn't realize how much we can accumulate after having lived in a place for some time. My husband doesn't know how to declutter. I don't like to throw out other people's things either. But yesterday, I was finally cleaning up our bedroom. I did throw out some promotional junk mail he stacks up by some drawers from 2011. I weeded out some clothing, have it in a bag sitting in the trunk of my car. But I refuse to bring it back into the apartment. So I'm just trying to see if there's an organization who is collecting clothes, I'd feel better knowing that it went to people who are really wearing it, rather than ending up for sale on a rack.
Well, I'm very happy the floor work is behind us. It also really feels good to Feng Shui the place, it does give it a fresh energy. Declutter, declutter, declutter!
The next place I w/declutter is the kitchen. Much Love, Margeaux
Thanks for the advice about dealing w/my sister & that AC issue.
You're right. I shouldn't allow her behavior to control the situation.
I fess up to the fact, that I am a peace keeper.
Add to this the other day, I made the mistake of asking her how her boyfriend's mom was, she's been in the hospital. My sister then told me, that she and the beau were having some issues between them. She'd had some issues last Nov.,w/him just before the narcissistic aunt died. They just about parted ways, and I had to hear my sisters endless, boo hooing about their break up, and that she didn't feel as if she could handle it, blah di blah. It sounds like it's based on some of the same issue, which is that her boyfriend and the daughters don't seem to like one another, and she's claiming she's annoyed w/him, since he never says hi to them if they are there at mom's house. When I heard this, I just kept quiet, because one of my nieces, (the one who lives there), many times does not say hello to me when I go to visit mom. She usually does this when my sister isn't either looking, or is not there. So there's a lot of convoluted things going on over there. But all I can say is, I hope that if my sister let's say does break it off w/him,
I don't want to become her sound board again, w/all of the boo hooing over it either.
My sister complains heavily about certain issues, then she does a complete 180 turn w/her decisions and behavior. I'm quite honestly growing tired of this. It's as if she doesn't know how to function w/o drama in her life! Margeaux
re your niece, the baby and the air conditioning, I think I would go ahead and tell her, as the primary concern is for the baby's welfare. That may well inflame the issues with your sister, but you cannot control her behaviour, only she is responsible for her own responses. I would not let her "bully" you, or tell you off, or engage in anything with her about it. It is between you, your niece and the caregiver. Boundaries! I know she may get upset, and that is what she uses to control people, but it doesn't have to control you. My two cents anyway.
We were talking about tickets, and I got overconfident. Gotta use the cruise!
cmag, hope your meds get sorted out so that you start to feel better more consistently. Let us now what your psychiatrist says about it. I have had my share of that "zombie" feeling, even on a tiny doses of antidepressants, which I am off, thankfully.
Wish me luck everyone. I need to declutter my house, and my man is a pack rat. I am not as bad, but with being ill the last 2 years, I am behind in just about everything. However, I decided I have to lead by example, and get my stuff in tip top shape before tackling him. ;)
My neighbor, poor thing ( her own daughter only throws her a bone, in terms of attention) had horrible landlord problems w/abusive tenants last year. This daughter of hers is on the title of said property, but doesn't do a thing to help/advise her mom out in terms of managing the property. Anyway, I encouraged my neighbor to create a paper trail, and she did, which helped when she had to finally work on the eviction. I believe we all have our personal thoughts/attitudes when it comes to the reimbursement issue w/loved ones, no doubt especially when it comes to the very close familial ties. Given, it is the way it is between your sister, BTW, by your description of your mom picking up the tab for her holidays, your sister has no conscience about behaving very greedily.! We seem to all have one of these in our family. In ours, it's the older of my two brothers, golden boy.
Anyway, at least when you go through this process, it won't become a "your word against hers." Isn't it terrible in our dysfunctional families one must circumvent all of this?
You are so right about what you said that my sister's anger/control issues spill into the relationship w/my niece. I feel that by telling my niece about the caregiver and the AC issue, this could possibly inflame old controlling issues w/my sister and me, of which we've had plenty! I don't want to go through the, telling my niece to keep this a secret, etc., because it is her mom. On the other hand, how will my niece know about this thoughtless caregiver, unless I tell her. My niece's own sister who lives there in the house, sleeps in til 1:30 p.m., and IMO, could be a witness to this, but she's too tuned out, and lazy!
Oh Emjo, I'm glad you made it back safely home, but sorry for the ticket.
Maybe we were talking about tickets too much, and the vibe was unleashed.
O.K., Take care, Love & hugs! Margeaux
Well, I'm glad that the company you work for, has a lighter duty policy.
I can''t remember if I posted a Thank You, for posting about co-dependency.
I could not have read this on a better day, w/talk about that later.
Well, take care of your cut. Love & think heal! Margeaux
sharyn -sounds like you have to be careful too around considering your niece. When a relative is greedy for money (my sis and sis's oldest daughter) there is trouble. Glad the pain is settling down.
I don't think I will need anymore pain meds. Usually the first night with this kind of injury is when it hurts...as the body relaxes after the shock of it all. If I should, Tylenol is what I will take.
Careful~that must have been traumatic for you at such a young age having to get your finger sewed back on. Bad enough at any age , but when you are so little not understanding the situation.
bet that wasn't fun getting your finger sewed back on. I have thought about giving both POA and the executor job to an attorney but my sis is back up on the POA document so if I opt out it would go to her, and I don't trust her. The situation would have to be pretty bad before i did that. I may well give the executor job to an attorney, just to avoid the possibility of my sister suing me or causing trouble in some way.
sharyn, i think if that happens after the death of a family member the problems were there before the death. Sorry to hear about the Vicodin reaction. I have never taken any strong painkillers - as I have been cncerned about that - even when I had dry socket after removal of a wisdom tooth which was extremely painful for over a week. You can take full dose of tylenol (acetomenophin sp?) and ibuprofen at the same time, which is what I did and it helped. And you can take higher doses than it says on the bottle for short periods of time -according to the internet.
Have a good Sunday everyone!
I too feel like a child when I have gotten pulled over for speeding. I will have to start using cruise control as Joan said. It gets too expensive paying those fines.
I took a Vicodin for my thumb last night, woke up 4 hours later and my head was spinning something fierce. I don't think Vicodin is a good medication for me. I will do without it.
Thanks for the advice. Once i stayed in mother's city in a hotel for a full week trying to straighten out a mess, and it cost me a bit, but I was still working so i didn't mind. I am retired now on less than 1/2 the income I had, and i can see the likelihood of more trips and more expense as time goes on, and mother declines. I am her executor, and if there is money left over once she is gone - and who knows about that - I think it is reasonable that some of my expenses be reimbursed. My daughter is a CA and keeps telling me I am entitled to get reimbursement. My sister is well set up financially, but wants more - according to her son she wants all of what mother leaves behind - her portion plus mine. Her sense of entitlement to this floors me. Until recently, she came (from Scotland) annually to visit mother, stayed with her and basically had a free holiday. Latterly, mother would get upset and call me and want my sister to come and stay with me as they were not getting along. I stayed with mother occasionally, but could see it became too much for her, so stayed in a hotel, and bought groceries etc for her, and did not accept any money for them. And such is the story we see from so many - the ones that give, and the ones that take, My mother and my sister were very close, they holidayed together (at mother's expense) for years. I was shocked when mother made a trip out west, and told me that she wanted to move west to be closer to me and my family. My sister had always told me that mother would move to be close to her, and I believed that was what would happen, I talked to mother about it and told her that I had thought she would move to be close to my sister. Her answer was "Your sister would not help me." and that is absolutely true. Mother would end up calling me and complaining that my sister and her husband expected mother to pay for holidays they all took together -and mother did pay for more than herself. Both my sister and her husband had good jobs so this was really out of line. I told her it took two and she didn't have to do it, but should tell my sister what she expected sis to pay for - before the holiday - and what she herself was prepared to pay for. Finally she did that, and the holidays together stopped not long after that. So the picture is pretty clear. My sister took her own children to court, and got money from then that they inherited from their aunt. It still appalls me, and I know she would not hesitate to take me to court if she though she could get money from it.
well, that was a big "download"!
I haven't expected any reimbursement for my expenses, but i will keep the appropriate receipts just in case.I need them.
lildeb - i don't think they hand out warning tickets here. I know he was just doing his job. I am feelng better, and anticipate getting out more. Gary is so busy with the horses on the weekends, it is nice for me to get away once in a while,.and visit friends. I am in a different (older) age group than most on here, and you never know how much time you, or some one else has left. I am delighted to be feeling well enough to do the drive again. speeding tickets or not. i guess it is cruise control from now on, music and song!
Sharymarie, is right about making copies for u may never know what or when u may need to fall back on to them. Sharymaries, 6 stitches ouch!!! That meat slicer can do it within seconds too n u were lucky u didn't lose the whole finger. Would u stop trying to feed the meat slicer. I hope u heal soon.