Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
burned - so glad that things are improving and that you are having good times with your friend. As I remember she has a health issue. How is she doing? I have had to let go of my sister, and reduce contact to very minimal, as the nasty words and the games inevitably come out, and I don't need that.
sharyn - i really liked the info about codependency you posted on another thread. In my view, it was very valuable and I hope some benefitted by it. How are you doing?
cmag - is the med adjustment helping?
teacher - are you still managing to maintain your emotional distance?
thinking of all who have posted here, and wondering how you are doing
I continue to improve on the new meds, though I have had to decrease the dose a little (as the dr suggested I could). It is wonderful to get up in the morning, and want to plunge into the days activities, and also to see problems as just that, which can be worked on and not insurmountable obstacles. I did not realise how much my health issues were affecting my mood. I have a long list of things to be done, which I should have done in the past few years, but did not have the energy. I feel I can tackle them now. Woo Hoo!!! I passed my drivers medical though my right eye is not good. The eye dr said I will need cataract surgery - probably next year. Meanwhile my left eye is good, but a cataract is starting there. Hopefully it will stay good until I get my right one fixed. Other than that my eyes are healthy, which is great.
On another note, my mother has been taking laxatives, including senna, for a month now. she says, prescibed by the hospital, and then complains about some watery diarrhea, and a sore behind. I really wonder if she heard them right. Has anyone heard of prescribing a strong laxative for that long? She does tend to give "out of context", or very selective information, not just to me, but also, I think, to the hospital, and her doctor, and as well. It is part of the borderline personality disorder. And she is very selective as to what she retains from what people say. Her hearing loss, even with a hearing aid, may mean she does not pick up it all anyway. Also I see that she does not comprehend things as well as she did. She is very verbal and still very bright, so the hospital and her doctor may not pick up on that. Her doctor is, himself, 80 years old!
In future when she goes into hospital, which is usually for a gut-related issue, I will ask them to call me, and give me the info about any meds that are prescribed. The time may have come when she should have the nurse aides dole out her meds, but I doubt she will allow that. She has done a very good job taking her regular meds - thyroid, blood pressure, and gastric reflux, as well as some supplements, and is fiercely independent. She has asked me to go to a doctor's appointment with her this summer to be sure she understands her condition - especially her digestive problems. My daughter had her gall blader out, and had stomach problems after due to bile reflux. I wonder if mother has the same. her stomach gets inflamed easily. There are meds to deal with that. So I will plan a trip down, and go with mother to her doctor. In the past she would have resisted this, so I think she is seeing that she needs more help. She had totally misunderstood about the state of -physician-assisted suicide, and I did explain that to her. I see a very slow decline - not nice for her. I remember when my father was declining (vascular dementia) and he was aware that he was. It was sad. It was easier for him once he did not realise what was happening to him any more.
Have a great day everyone. I am off to babysit my grandchildren while my daughter goes for an appointment. So good to feel well enough to do this! I am buying earrings from ebay for my daughter and granddaughter. Love doing "girly" things with them.
Love and hugs ♥
joan
Hope all of you had a good weekend.
Well, I went Sunday night to spend the night over at mom's house, as my sister & me took her to an appointment on Monday. My sister so burns the candles more than at both ends. I'll refresh people's memories. She lives w/mom, and until recently w/our narcissistic aunt who passed in Jan. She manages everything over there at mother's, with the caregivers, etc. She has a full time job.
Well, mother's home is in need of some repairs. My sister had told me she was going to put a new carpet in this weekend, but it got set back a weekend, since they had to take care of a beetle problem, by spraying the bathroom, and under kitchen sink.
When I arrived over there Sun., night, my sister looked like a crazy woman. She's currently packing everything up, so that the carpet layers can have the area fee, when they come to do that job. This is a 4 bedroom home, two-story.
It was absolutely unbelievable, and quite overwhelming for me just to see my sister, on Sun. evening looking so exhausted, huffing and puffing as she was trying to pack things away.
This of course she does, w/little to no help from a 22 yr. old daughter who still lives there with her. I've posted about her in the past. She's so spoiled, it's not even funny! She doesn't work, is still playing the student game. I'm all for parents being supportive of their children, if they want to pursue an education. But I don't get the impression w/my niece that she is really that serious about her education.
My sister never has put any pressure on her to go and get a job, so that she could really start learning to become more responsible and independent. But I realize that this is my sister's doing, also.
I know that just being around that energy was tough for me, because again I see how controlling my sister is. One cannot tell her either to slow down. Also, while I was there my sister and me were talking. She has a boyfriend, who is a plumber.
As I recall when they first met about 9 yrs., ago, he was invited to a Thanksgiving at mom's house. That day mom had plumbing problems, and he jumped right to it, and fixed it. My sister is in charge of some rental properties of mother's, and again her boyfriend has done quite a bit of repairs there w/my our more capable brother. But on the weekend, my sister was complaining to me about the fact that she thought her boyfriend should fix a broken toilet seat in mom's upstairs bathroom. This is how she said it, "You'd think he being a plumber, that he would fix this seat, after all, it just needs the screw tightened up." Now I thought, WOW,
I recall the work he's done before at her request, he doesn't live there, visits.
Why in China, is she being critical of him, almost as if she were married to him?
Anyway, there's a part of me that sometimes feels for my sister, and it's really because I do get concerned that she is really overdoing things. Like even on 4th of July, she was at my brother's w/mom & boyfriend. We'd been there for a bbq.
This brother lives at least 45 miles from mom's. So after her boyfriend dropped her and mom off at mom's house, my sister jumped in the car w/mom and they went to her daughter's house. My sister said she wanted to spend her grandson's first 4th of July w/him. He's only 8 mos. old. Anyway, this woman just can't stay put, and I do get concerned about our 92 yr. old mother, w/my sister's constant need to be moving around like a crazy lady! Ay, yay, yay! There's more, but for now I have to gather my thoughts! What I'm writing about here are also some of the reasons many times, I just get discouraged from being more involved there with mom, also. I feel like my sister just wants to run the show her way.
We are so different, but her need to control everything, and be very critical of people who actually help out, I don't know! Somewhat frustrated! Margeaux
Did we have enough firecrackers? I went to a bbq about an hour away at my brother's house. It was nice, since it was only we adults w/our mom. She is real cute these days. For some new people here that don't know about my mom, she's 92, w/ALZ. Well, even though it was a rather long drive for my husband and me, it was good to spend some time w/my mom, my brother ( the nice one), my sister and their partners. Even though mom has the ALZ, she can still come up w/one liners that are quite funny. It's interesting that even w/ALZ, this part of her personality still surfaces. What a difference, also, now that her sister is out of the picture, we can finally enjoy my mom, w/o the negative interference her narcissistic sister always brought w/her. May she rest in peace!!
That story was some of the dysfunction that brought me to this thread.
Have a nature filled weekend, even if it's just looking outside your window and looking at some trees! Love & Love, Margeaux
Lilli – you definitely did the right thing –what a game!!! I am so glad you saw the truth of the situation. I know all about the constant contacts and manipulations – it gets very tiring I find, .
Burned - guilt trips are a huge form of manipulation, it is good you can see that and resist it. Praying that you get that job. There is no doubt that stress is affecting your health.
Hi johnnycares – certainly there is a “me” generation probably the age of your kids, affected by society’s standards. The world has changed from our parent’s and grandparent’s days, when agencies and facilities did not exist as they do now. Which is the cart and which is the horse, I don’t know. Goodness, you are looking after your wife, don’t give yourself a hard time because of your kids. Sometimes our kids make bad choices; it doesn’t have to be our fault. Do come back and let us know who you are doing.
bw – you are doing it for the right reasons (((((((((hugs)))))))
margeaux – yes, things can get quite weird. I have had a couple of manipulative “friends”, long gone now. I think it is perfectly natural that those of us with NMs would seek out mother figures. The problem comes when those mother figures are like our own mothers. Having had the support, and love of a couple of wonderful ladies, I have reached out to some younger family members, and others, to pass that on to them. I could only do this once I had become healthier myself.
Love and hugs to all
Cattails~I don't recall you mentioning having lived in Visalia. It is about 2 hours south of me. We passed that way many summers going to Kings Canyon. Yes I just needed to get my groove on.
Cmag~enjoy your bbq.
Everyone have a wonderful 4th and as always I thank you for your support!
This happened to me w/an older cousin of mine.
Believe me, she was/is sweet and al those things. However, she is very unfocused in her own life. In our family, she was one of the first cousins I witnessed becoming a single parent. She was living/married a few guys, throughout her youthful years. This cousin even went as far as insinuating to her own brother (who I was very close to), that I was flirting w/some loser she used to have living there in their family home. She's about, 18 yrs. older than me. That really hit below the belt for me. It was not at all true. This happened many years ago. It hurt, because I did naively feel close to her, w/that mothery thing looming in the background. This was one of my RUDE awakenings!
Recently, I had to let a friend go, also. She thought she was being some kind of mother to me. After becoming acquainted w/her, I realized that this feature was a big part of her personality. It could also be, that I met her right after I lost my dad, so I was kind of lost and feeling some trauma from that. But this friend also had some major physical disabilities. In that scenario, lot's of manipulation, over-stepping of boundaries surfaced. In the end, I felt like I was being taken advantage of. No more Ms. Nice Person!!
Well, what can be said, hopefully we live, and we learn, right?
I over the years found myself asking why it was I needed sometimes the mothering, and I knew why. But yes, I'm all for moving on. Life's too short!
Hopefully we can discern some of this dysfunction in many relationships we will encounter in our lives, because many of us sure have lots of experience in this area.
Oh, your bbq, sounds wonderful Sharynmarie, delicious!
Happy Firecrackers! Margeaux
Well, sounds as if
cattails, I have not focused on getting anyone for yard care yet. Right now, I need to contact an exterminator to rid us of a bug problem that using those canned insect foggers throughout the house did not kill.
Wife and I are getting ready to go to a pig picking to celebrate the 4th.
I hope everyone has as happy a 4th of July as possible.
Love and Hugs
Lily: Clearly you got it right. I'm so sorry for all of you who have parents who love to manipulate. What a burden to the heart and soul. Follow your gut and don't let them rule your lives.
Burned: Did you get the job at the school?
Johnnycares: What do you need help with? Have you checked to see what services might be available to your wife through social services. You can also contact your local area on aging and see if there is assistance available to you.
You are in your early 70's so I'm guessing your children are in their late 40's early 50's. How many children do you have and what do you need from them. Are they putting kids through college? Just curious what the family situation is. Let us know, maybe we can give you some suggestions. You seem to have a good heart and a gracious manner. Wishing you the best.
As I am typing this, the western sun (finally saw some sun today) is casting a beautiful light across the hillside which is covered with evergreens. It just turns them gold in the light. Really beautiful and makes me wish I was a painter.
Emjo: Sending you love.
Cmag: Hugs to you. Did you give anymore thought to hiring yard care.
Have a good week everyone. Love, Cattails
Anyway, talking from experience, I grew up from a Very Very Dysfunctional family. So bad, that myself and 2 younger sisters have blocked out our childhood memories. Out of 8 children, I stayed to help both bedridden parents. I sometimes wish that I could be Selfish, pack up and just walk away. But, I can't. And it's NOT out of obligations to the parents. It's higher up - God, who told us in the New Testament that we must Honor our Parents. Sigh...That's what I'm doing...and hanging by the tip of my teeth! Like you, I really do appreciate this site. (I think I put my foot in my mouth when I commented to Cmag. Still trying to get the nerve to apologize!)
So, being nosy, what's up? What is that you need that your adult kids will not help you with? I read your profile. You like to communicate...so....vent, and vent and vent!!! Take care.
This turned into a very weird manipulative month or so of my mother calling me nonstop, sending me manipulative letters and trying to engage other family members into manipulating me. She tried the same routine on other family members that she couldn't walk or use a walker so they must take her everywhere . She was walking with a walker at this point and other family had witnessed this etc.
Anyway, I was at the grocery store today trying to grab some food before the holiday rush. I saw my mother in the store WALKING without a walker, pushing a grocery cart. She didn't see me and I didn't think that was an appropriate time to have whatever very weird discussion we were going to have. I just checked out and went home. On one had I am ecstatic that she is walking without a walker! On the other I feel a bit vindicated that I was right that she was misrepresenting her ability to get around. Her therapists reports and home health care showed she could get around with a walker just fine months ago. I'm also a bit angry about all the drama, manipulation and guilt trips I have gone through. If I had not put my foot down and engaged everyone else in this tough love plan would she still be sitting in a wheel chair running me half to death? I think I probably did the right thing..?
Joan~Thank you for asking about work. It is getting smoother as I fall into their routine and making it my own. Yes, all those old feelings cropped up in the beginning. Once I separated myself from the feelings, I was able to work more productively. I was surprised when the feelings came up because I really thought I had moved beyond all that baggage. I now have a different perspective toward people from the Viet Nam War suffering from PTSD than I did a few weeks ago. I just could not understand why they were still suffering after 40 years. Now I understand.
All~As some of you know, I spent 4 years in therapy in my thirties which led me to be able to find forgiveness as I learned that my parents did not intend to abuse their children. However, the therapy did not resolve my depression which I continued to suffer from until 2005. Therapy helped me with the anger and understanding of "why me." What it did not do was give me coping skills which I am still learning on my own from bad experiences with others and through reading. I truly believe that I was well on my way to developing the very same personality disorder my mother suffers from but I was able to turn the corner back in 2002. What changed for me was I had to end relationships with friends and co-workers. The reason I ended those relationship is because I had become to attached to certain people and I had put them in a position of have to mother me. When I realized this, I had to end it so I could stand on my own. Looking back now I realize that I was only 50% to blame but at the time I was willing to accept All the blame (dysfunctional training). The most important lesson I learned is that I cannot talk about child abuse with everyone. I can only talk about it with my brother, sister and on this site. Even my husband has a hard time understanding it. Since I made these changes in my relationships with others, I am so much happier than I was when I shared all the childhood abuses with everyone. I have also found that dwelling on the past kept me in a state of depression which is why I shy away from having any more therapy. I did slip into depression a couple weeks ago but was able to overcome it from the posts here on this site and detaching from my feelings. I am not discounting therapy for anyone and it may be something I will do again in the future because it has it's place when we are at a stand still in our lives and need to understand more about why we are feeling a certain way or why we continue to do what we do. My depression is always situational and usually a result of dysfunctional thinking. Hugs to everyone!!
I've been reading many posts here, the last few days. I'd just like to say that I am in awe of all the good advice everyone is sharing back and forth, and even when some people write things that they may think one could be offended about. It's done in such a caring way, and there is no doubt in my mind, it is authentic.
It's great to learn, I'm learning everyday from all of you! Thank You! Yes, Breathe deep, I'm all for that! Much Love, Margeaux
burned - I refused a face book friend request from my sis, and told her until we resolved the issues that are behind her telling me she wanted nothing to do with me a few months before, things would stay as they are - we do need to protect ourselves
cmag - I think hiring someone to do yard work would be great - one job off your back. I am pondering hiring someone to do some stuff inside. As much as Gary wants to do it all, he just does not have time. He does the yard, and my plants benefit. I also am thinking about reducing the stuff I have - no point hanging onto things just for the sake of. I have been trying to follow the - bring something in, throw something out concept. I do pretty well with my clothing. I have some things I have to find a good home for - memorabilia from my father from WW!, for example. It needs to go to a museum. Cleaning a house is much easier if there is less stuff in it.
Cat, I am with you in changing styles. We accumulate in our younger years, and, many of us feel the need to divest oursleves of stuff as we get older. For a year, I lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment with my youngest son when he was away at school. No garage, no basement, just one small storage room, and I loved it -so easy to keep. Now, I am back in my house - and too much of it is used for storage of thing that haven't been looked at for years. I think I am talking myself into a large clean out! Convincing Gary will be another thing - his family keeps stuff, and gets more. They do say you can teach an old dog new tricks, don't they? ;) I hear your advice to cmag, and I think about myself. Nothing I would like better than to leave all the pain behind - the childhood stuff, the loss of my youngest son, but it doesn't go away. That doesn't mean I focus on it, but like cmag experiences, and sharyn has shared, it intrudes on my consciousness, old feelings, thought patterns flare up. When there has been such dysfunction from birth on, I don't know if it ever goes away. That does not mean you cannot live a decent, and even enjoyable life, but that part of it is dealing with the "fall out" from the past. I find I have an underlying sadness - not a depression, but a sadness, and not that I cannont enjoy life, I do, but the sadness is not far away. I am hoping that a new counsellor can help me with this.
bw -glad you had a great sleep - it makes such a difference to our mental and physical health. Of course, you feel exhausted, as you are pushing yourself too hard. Is there anywhere you can get respite - someone to come in, or somewhere your parents can go for a few days to give you a break. You really have too much to deal with. Are there no agencies in your country that can help, or a church? What would happen to your parents if you got hit with the proverbial bus? Someone else would take care of them. Think about it.
sharyn -wondering how you are doing - at work and in general...
also margeaux, austin, brandywine, izzy - still thinking of you, jessie belle, I wonder how you and your mum are, selfishsib, nj2bfree, TheAdvocate, lisa, rebecca and so many others - let us know how you are
cmag - a miniholiday sounds GREAT. G and I are hoping to combine a work trip he needs to make, with a miniholiday - mountains, lakes, forest... Even a few days makes a BIG difference.
Have a good day everyone!!! Breathe deep - love and hugs ♥♥♥
,
I am planning a fun family mini-vacation for our whole family for a 2 night, three day get away.
Glad you have your son to help you this summer. I still think it would be great if you could hire out the yard work and focus on the clutter. Your mind needs some burden relief.
Hugs and love you to, Cattails
One important boundary was becoming less enmeshed with my wife's mental health problems which were very severe at the time. I was burned out from being after several therapists told her and me during her many hospitalizations that I had been way too tolerant about many things. At that point, back in the spring of 2002, I wanted my life back, but did not know how to define that.
Another important boundary was getting her mother out of the middle of our lives and she's the source of my wife's mental health problems. My wife agreed to this, but had a tough time at first because she was so enmeshed with her mother which is understandable knowing how she grew up and how narcissistic (but I say borderline) her mother is. Truth be told, neither one of us had much freedom from our mothers when my wife and I got married. Not surprising that we did not get married until I was in my early 30ties and she was in her mid 30ties.
The second reason that I was in therapy was due to going on disability in June of 2003 and no longer being able to work. I did go to the YMCA a lot back then, tried to stay out of the house for many hours a day, and returned to tae kwan do which became more of a burden and less of a joy by 2007, plus my obesity had not improved and with a diagnosis of osteoporosis, I became limited in what was safe for me to do, plus the boys had stopped TKD before I did. Also, going on disability after working for 20ty years created a crisis in and of itself.
2005 was a rough year for we bought this house after being in a rental house for 2 years and that is when I changed therapists with whom I started working on my family of origin issues, my anger in general and my anger toward my mother. A previous therapist had told me that one day, I would understand my mother's impact upon me and become even angrier, but she hoped that I would be able to forgive her. Wow was she right!
Along with this new house came an unfinished office in the big garage that I began spending a lot of time in as I dealt with my pain. A couple of years later I finished it into part of what it is today and was writing poetry again for the first time in 30ty years. That's when I wrote the poems, Path Through Tragic Pain, Barnacles, and What a Cop Out to Say This is Who I am & Always Will be Because of My Dysfunctional Family. By that time, I'd discovered a place downtown where I could share my poetry, but it shut down over a year ago. While digging into my past various flash backs started in August of 2010 which subsided after a bit, but come back from time to time. To help work through my various issues, I created some short therapy movies for my therapist about. I've had some newer flashbacks recently and feel there is one last movie to create, but I don't want to. Before this, I had created some short little movies in my computer using microsoft movie maker about my wife and I that was a whole lot more positive than my therapy movies were. Through all of this, I've shared much of it with my wife and we have become closer and she has opened up and told me things about her childhood and early adult life that she had not told me before. Toward what I thought was the end of dealing with my past, I wrote my mum a letter which was almost more of a poem in which I expressed my anger. Somewhere on this site in another thread, I did share the title of that, but it is too personal to share here. All of this was extremely exhausting and may have contributed to the pit of sleeping 12-14 hours a day in January and February of 2011. I've had all sorts of medical tests run since then and all they found was my B-12 was too low as was my folic acid and I needed an increased dose of my androgel. We even had my sleep apnea machine checked out and it is running fine. I did have an 11 week spurt where I suddenly had a lot of energy, did a lot of walking and lost some wait, but then I crashed again. Despite being put on nuvigil, I was too sleepy once again.
Near the end of our youngest son's time in high school, I wrote a poem for my wife about my vision for our empty nest which was positive, but little has come to pass.
The next subject that my therapist and I covered, which took several months, was my experiences in various churches in which I had some unhealthy and painful times that had shaped my view of my experiences very negatively. However, as we worked through all of that I came to see there was more good than bad, but I had chosen to focus on the bad which was not helped at all by my wife's total mental breakdown in 2000.
So, yes it is time to move on at 55 and discover some new sense of purpose and interests that will carry me through the rest of my years. I've thought about joining the county photography club, but that has not panned out yet. I began writing a book back in April which has required some extra research, but after a saturn five launch is down to a crawl.
The clutter is a pain, and a great majority of it is my wife's and the boys. Like we have a small shed of decorations for each season and holiday of the year and it is packed. We have far too much for Christmas and for the spring. My plan is to have my oldest son, who is home for the summer, to help me clear some of the clutter out of there. Also, I own like one pair of dress shoes, three pair of tennis shoes, one suit, one sport's coat, four pair of nice casual pants, three short pants, two pair of blue jeans, some warm up suits, winter jackets, some short sleeve shirts, four dress shirts and four ties. My wife has a big plastic box of winter shoes and summer shoes. Here clothes take up the entire closet in our bedroom which has two sliding doors and she has most of the walk in closet which too often gets all cluttered on the floor. She admits that she has too much and does not wear everything, but moves too slow in going through it all. The den is all covered with her "stuff' and thus you can't find an empty place to sit except the computer desk chair that I'm in now. Is is any wonder that I like the order and cleaness of my man cave to escape into!
We also have clutter in our various cabinets that needs cleaning out. The small garage needs cleaning out and reorganizing. So, does the big garage so that I can park my car in there once again.
After I cook lunch, which I do almost all of the cooking here, my son and I are going to work in the yard if it is not too hot.
No, you did not offend me with your lengthy post. I would love to walk in some sunlight also and not feel so much responsibility for everything getting down for a life full of nothing but responsibility and unfinished responsibility is not fun.
Yes, I probably could hang out my shingle and do therapy. But it is far easier to think about what to say and say it online than I think I would be face to face.
I'm glad for the rediscovered creativity and that this thread has done so well.
CMagnum - a part of me knows that I need to go to therapy to help me remember my childhood. Maybe, once I remember, I can deal with most of my hang ups. But, the survivor part of me, wants nothing to do with the past. Just get help to deal with the NOW and to move forward. My oldest sis went to therapy and ended up HATING the parents. She withdrew and wanted nothing to do with them. I saw and learned. When I find a therapist, I will insist on not going into the past. If I'm to care for the parents, I must remain ignorant of the terrible ordeal of my past. Cat gave some good advice. Think of it this way, Cmagnum, at least you had therapy for the past, and have gained knowledge from these therapies, and now it's time to APPLY it to YOUR future and Your Happiness. Wouldn't that be nice? I wish I had all your experiences from these therapy -without me having to go and opening my wounds and my checkbook. You all take care!
cmagnum: Hope the new med adjustments help you. Take a step to do something positive regarding your yard. Hire someone to do the job, then you can just enjoy it and putter when you feel like it. You don't need another chore in your life. Wouldn't it be nice for you and your wife to just have something beautiful that you both can just enjoy without the burden of keeping it up.
I was also taken by your comment about your house being cluttered because, "You just have to much stuff." Get the care of your yard off of your shoulders and then start looking around your house. If the clutter and stuff bothers you, make some changes. Maybe the clutter and stuff doesn't bother you and I misunderstood, but I am going to post this on the premise that the clutter and stuff does bother you.
We seem to collect things over the course of our life. We have a certain decorating style and it works for us at the time. Later in life we find ourselves surrounded with our past; a style that doesn't really work for us anymore, a ton of reminders of a life that we don't live anymore, etc.
For example, we have enough Christmas decorations to do 3 houses. So much of the memories of these ornaments and items come from a time in our life when we did big family gatherings. We don't do that anymore. I've pulled them out a couple of times in the past 7 years and it literally takes us a week to put everything together. A couple of weeks would be more like it because in our new home we do more lights out doors on outdoor trees and on the house. At this point in my life, I prefer the out door decorations because to see some of the outdoor trees lighted up seems more like a celebration of nature and that makes me happy. The indoor decorations are not who I am anymore. They are who I was when I was younger. Lot's of memories, but I don't really want to live with memories anymore. That's like saying life has stopped. Now, my style inside is more simplified and I would love to gift 90 percent of the so called heirloom Christmas ornaments to my son and granddaughter. Let them have the memories and something to remember us by. Something to share with their children and grandchildren. I am moving on to who I am now, because I still AM and my story isn't over.
Hanging onto the clutter of the past can hold you back from who you are now and who you want to be. It weighs you down. When you walk into a room in your house it should reflect who you are, not who you were. Some old pieces are anchors that you want to keep, but we all change and our environments need to reflect that or they can hold us back. Maybe it's time to simplify and get a new look and celebrate who you are now.
CM: I'm going to present something for you to consider. You have spent years in counseling and so much of that has to do with your past. You have probably learned enough to hang out your own shingle. At what point do you say, "OK, I have the skills to deal with life now." I think you have enough skills for several people, but you continue with therapy that deals with the past. I think some folks can stay in therapy forever and the focus on the past can keep us from the now that we should be finding some joy in.
You are a very intelligent person and I'm just throwing this out for you to consider. We all deal with empty nest syndrome, but that's a natural occurrence. I think what makes it more painful is the fact that we don't find new interests and a way to be in this new phase of our lives. We are still creative, look at the thread you developed on AC. I know this sounds trite, but have you ever considered going back to school or taking a painting class; something that draws you into the now.
You have a big old heap on your plate, but as you said previously, within a couple of years, many of the parents and in-laws you have will have passed away. You have spent years dealing with their issues and have handled them well. No doubt there are still financial issues you have to handle for them and obligations you need to perform, but start moving yourself in a direction of new beginning. Start with hiring the yard work out.
I hope I don't offend you with this post. It comes from my heart and I would love to see you walk in the sun light and leave some things behind.
Love and Hugs, Cattails.
Mother's latest is physican-assisted suicide. She came out with a lot of drama just before my specialist's appointment - they always have to be worse than anyone else, and would have me focus on her, rather than looking after myself. She says her doctor told her she was on the way out, and her stomach was finished, and someone, she can't remember who, told her her heart was bad, but her doc said it sould be soon or it could be later. Well, that is true of all of us. Considering she hasn't lost a lb and has rosy cheeks, I am not too worried about her. Nothing I can do anyway. This cry wolf stuff gets very old. She has totally misunderstood the assisted -suicide situation in BC, and I am not going to try to correct her understanding as she won't believe me anyway. Her doctor can do that. It is not available at present. I don't think she would ever go through with it anyway, but it makes a good story, in her mind. I did not respond to any of this, and haven't heard from her for nearly a week! Great!
Good news -the specialist was a very nice woman. She listened to, and believed me, and switched me to a drug which does not affect my liver, as the other one could. I have been on the new one a week now, and it seems to be working, so I am very thankful. I visited a friend and also my ex mil who is 80 and looks wonderful, despite havng diabetes 2, atrial fib. and being on a CPAP, I was amazed to see how good she looks, and sounds. She still lives in her apartment, and one of her sons, and a younger friend keep an eye on her, help with grocery shopping etc. She is such a welcome contrast to my own mum.
burned -if you too could quit smoking it would really help your money situation and your health. My son and his common law did a few months ago and they are enjoying the extra $$$. I know you know this, and may get aggravated that I said something, but I just want to encourage you in that direction - people can quit. and i speak from my own experience too - I quit about 50 years ago. Sorry to hear about your twim. Sounds like detachment is best.
(((((((advocate))))))) your words about speaking with someone who is kind and loving touched my heart - glad you came here for support -we understand, and they are not likely to change
survivved2 (lisa) thanks for sharing your story -I wish I had walked away from it all when I was younger...I agree - never feel guilty for wanting peace in your life
jw - you are right - the pain of rejection from family members, especially mother, is great, I am sorry you are going through this (((((hugs))))
brandywine -I am so sorry for what you are going through re your mum's things, though I am glad she has gone to an NH. Your sister sounds like a "case". Mine is similar, in some ways, and has already taken the most valuable thing mother had. I was left to deal with everything else, and am still not finished, 2 years later. Like Lisa said on another post,m Oh well it is only a thing, and that is how i have to look at it. It is only stuff. I suspect the "stuff" is not as important as the way your sister treated you, which was not nice. ((((hugs))))
c mag - hope the meds are making a difference. I agree -why take you mum under those conditions - I think it is appalling how they want to put seniors through all those hoops - more money for them I suppose
sharyn so glad the job is working out better - I knew it would;)
bookworm -are you getting any more sleep?
selfish sibs - doesn't it make you wonder if it is worth it? Maybe there somes a time to say no.
ni2bfree - me too - need to be free - welcome - your sil sounds pretty dreadful - gimme, gimme, fimme, Glad your husband has POA and has been able to intervene. Apparently my sister wants all the money when mother dies too - would be nice if she helped a little. Going against doctors care is another level of abuse - awful. yes, continuing to do what is right, regardless - however, it does take a toll on us.
Happy 4th of July weekend to all my American friends - hope you have time to relax and be good to you.
love and (((((((((hugs))))))
Joan