The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Me too, Sharon - angry that is - too many years of garbage, and more coming, and our lives are not getting any longer. This is not how I wanted to spend my retirement. Work was a blessed distraction. Praying that today is a good work day for you
Rebecca -glad you are learning to say what has to be said with love and toughness - it is not an easy lesson for "us" to learn
careful - venting does help, doesn't it? the sibs are likely not going to change - so letting go should help
cmag -glad your last visit was better - I understand the anxiety that you feel ahead of time.
hi burned - you do sound a bit more relaxed - venting works for me, but alcohol never did...
today in a new day - I am going to breathe deep and look for the good in it.
Love and hugs ♥

I must admit I haven't journaled in many years but I will start again. Yes I am angry for having to deal with these issues all these years later even after 4 years of therapy in my thirty's. It makes me feel needy and I hate that feeling because I want so much to not feel anxious about the situation. Again I thank you, Cattails, and Lildeb for great advice!!

((((((((theadvocate))))))). I totally understand you removing yourself from the arena. It is what I would like to do, if I can be assured that my mother will be looked after by others, Right now she is. I find it hard to understand that I am related to people who behave as my mother and sister do, too. Recently, I saw some "normal" cousins who I hadn 't seen for years, and they touched me so much. It felt wonderful to visit with normal people who are part of my extended family. My daughter is journalling, and really recommends it. I used to write more, and probably should do so again. I think I am working on yet another level of healing, and finding new techniques, or rediscovering old ones is good.
I like you "name". What I have to get better at is being an advocate for myself.

I like your attitude emjo. Being handicapped by dysfunctional family is definitely a waste of time. Thanks for reminding to write out the feelings. I keep a journal that helps me alot. Whenever the baggage starts haunting me, I just get the journal out and try to deal with some of the feelings. It does help alot. I've also found that I have to completely stop trying to communicate with the family that is so cold, uncaring and critical of me. Otherwise, it just eats me up. It is hard for me to believe that I am related to people that can be so mean and thoughtless at times. I know I'm not perfect, but I certainly don't lash out at others and think it is so wrong when others do it to me. I just learned the hard way and now I don't just dodge the bullets, I stay away completely. It's the only way I can cope. No one needs to be a moving target.

(((((((hugs))))))) Sharyn

breathe deep, and tell yourself you are a good employee. Re detaching from your emotions, sometimes I have found that I am better do the work of feeling my emotions through to their origin -like recognising the feelings of inadequacy are coming from the flawed messages I received as a child, and affirming myself to myself that I am adequate, and more than adequate, and I have been handicapped by my dysfunctional family. Some anger at them might come out too, for leaving all this baggage on my doorstep, and it would be justifiable anger, but not good to have it seething inside us. Have you ever written out your feelings about these things? I have found that that helped. It is a work still in progress. Prayers for a good night's sleep and a good day tomorrow.

Joan~You are probably right!! I thank you for that thought. I am sure it is my emotional insecurities with the past that has been triggered and I have to deal with it by practicing my emotional muscles of detachment. I am feeling better today but have some concerns about going to work tomorrow.
I hope your news is good and please know that you are a good daughter and friend!! I understand about having to place yourself first when dealing with a dysfunctional family member and choosing your own health. I am happy you are dealing with your health issues first as we can be no use to anyone else if we let our health fail. Love and Hugs to everyone!!

sharyn -forgot to mention that I am glad that your friend Sanda has placed her mother, and is feeling better.
I have real trouble believing that you would be judged inadequate in a job. The others have giving you great advice, and your idea of being transferred if you feel things are not working out is good. Do what works for you, and I am glad too that you are sloughing off the feelings of inadequacy. My prayer foe all of us is that thst the time comes when we don't have those emotions to deal with any more. ((((((((hugs)))))))

Burned~So glad you had a fun time last night getting drunk and venting!! A friend of mine did the same thing and I am so sad I missed the opportunity to join them...oh well maybe next time!! I must admit though that this friend of mine is always in need of advice and help but pooh poohs on everything offered to her so we are getting where less and less of us offer her help. Keep doing what you are doing as it is beneficial for you and your children. I hope you get the job as a teacher's aid, it will definitely help your situation!! Love and Hugs to you!!

sharyn, I know exactly where you are talking about.
Sorry to have been MIA (missing in action), I have a stuff to deal with. I am on my way home from seeing the specialist, and it is kind of a good news/ possible bad news scenario - but, as always, could be worse. I did not run errands for mother, in fact I didn't visit her. I have and have had things I need to do for myself, and I don't need the stress of being in her company, and hearing the latest litany of woes. She has been telling me she is on her way out, and her stomach is finished, and her heart is bad, but she has never been on heart meds, wakes up in the morning with rosier cheeks than mine, and hasn't lost a pound, so I find it very hard to believe her. She just wanted me to focus on her when I came into town, BTDT - no more! The main thing she wanted me to do is really something she needs to sort out with my sister, but as always, I am called in to be the "fixer upper". I can't/won't do it any more. They need to resolve thier own issues.
The inadequacies, the taking of blame for things for which we are not responsible for, the failing to stick up for ourselves, the underlying continual stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop,... and that is where I was when I was last on here.

Thank you all for the suggestions. I do appreciate them, and do use them. Perhaps I was not clear. I do have coping skills in the area of the reducing my responses to dysfunctionality, or because of dysfunctionality, as Sharyn described so well above, what I would like to acheive, and maybe it is not possible (but I can dream) is to not react in the first place, so I would not need the coping skills. In fact,to heal sufficiently that that underlying tension does not exist any more. I am better than I was, but not as good as I would like to be, nor as good as I think I can be. I know it is a tall order, but if you don't aim for something high, surely you won't get there. I think some of the healing would be dealing with the PTSD that has come from the childhood experiences, and I understand that can be helped, also firmly believe in the power of prayer, both for these issues, and also for my physical healing. They may be related. The continual stress must affect the immuine system.
Anyway, that is where I am at. I see some new members in the thread -welcome - you surely belong here, from what I have read, and will get some great support.

Hope everyone is having a goodf weekend. ((((((((((hugs)))))))) ♥♥♥

Cattails and Lildeb~Thank you for your advice. I plan to continue to work by best which I have always done, pushing myself to go further. My schedule has been reduced to the minimum that the union allows, but I am not going to analyze it to death because that will cause me more stress. Most work sites within this company only give the minimum plus 4 additional hours anyway. If after a couple months I feel she is still not happy with me I will ask to be transferred if she doesn't transfer me first. I think what is making this so hard for me is having been raised in a dysfunctional family, all the old inadequacies are surfacing their ugly recorded voices. I refuse to let someone make me feel inadequate so I am practicing detaching from my emotions as best I can at this point.

On a happier note, my friend Sandra has been able to place her mother in a NH. She is more relaxed and slowly getting back her zest for life. She has a B.A. degree in psychology and teaches bereavement classes through a local mortuary.

Love and Hugs to everyone, hope your weekend is a great one!!

too bad they do not give that option on landline phone you have to do it manually. I had a bit of fun last night...did some venting and got drunk just what the doc order lol. Now I need to take a shower and then go do some shopping for more kid shampoo because my kids have taken to making bubble baths and wasting it. My daughter is wear big hair of the 80's until i get her in the tub sorta reminds of me of the musical Hairspray ....

Today was a better visit with my mother at the nursing home than last week when she wanted to walk out of the nursing home, get in her car and drive home. Yet, mom told me that she was about to call the police chief where we used to live when I was a child and where she lives now to go find out where I am. I reminded her that I was at home which now is in __ city. What an interesting train of thought was in her head today.

I always feel better after I vent on here and I realize that I may be trying to put too much effort into siblings who are acting petty. I'm not going to do that anymore. Thanks!

I am learning to say what needs to be said with love but toughness. I have also learned about the call/texting block feature on my cell phone for use with siblings.That being said, I know all of us are carrying a tough load so I want to send my love to all of you. Take care of yourselves.

Sharynmarie, I would want consistent than having someone that is fast with errors. Give it some time n see if you start to feeling more comfortable in the new area n maybe your speed as well as your consistency will come together. All you can do is your best n hopefully the boss will see consistency is better than having errors.
As for the kitty with celery that is too funny n the doggie door, that is one smart kitty. ; )

I hope everyone here will be able to find one small positive aspect on life with the challenges we may face.

Hey Sharynmarie: I think your honest conversation with your manager is a good thing. If I was a manager, I would appreciate that you are consistent and don't make mistakes, but I understand that you are in a new environment and the support is different than in the past. Bless you, Sharynmarie. You are a good person and I pray things work out in a way that gives you security with the company.

Sending you lots of love and good wishes. Cattails

Lildeb~I thought so too, but last Wednesday the manager of my department said she gives people 1 week to adjust, then on Monday of this week she told me she doesn't know where to place me within her team. She said I am slow but work consistently and I don't make mistakes. I told her I have never been the faster but I have never been the slowest at other work sites. I told her I was concerned about the stress it may be placing on co-workers. She said not to worry about it, all people work at different speeds, etc...so I don't know if she will transfer somewhere else. I don't like failing and I feel like I am, time will tell.
There is something about the smell of celery that my cat likes. Whenever I bring it home and I place the bag on the kitchen floor, he starts rubbing all over the bag trying to get into the bag. He will go under the kitchen table and start playing with the table legs. I gave him a celery leaf once and he started rolling all over it and playing. I am assuming it is the smell that attracts him. Yes he has us trained too. In the morning he waits for my husband to leave for work so my husband can let him out in the front yard. We have a doggie door but the cat is smart enough to know that he can get in the front yard faster if we open the door and let him out instead of using the doggie door which takes him in the backyard.

i have tried etsy but i can't downsize my my pics which is why i use fb no limitations be back later.

Sharynmarie, It may just take some time for eventhough you have worked their for 4yrs, you have not in this particular area so it's going take some getting use to. If no-one verbally has said anything, don't worry so much for that can make it harder on yourself too. Now, back to your cat. What is deal with celery n him? Do you give it celery n he acts like he had some cat-nip? I know my spoiled cat just goes insane over cat-nip. She is sitting right next to me at the arm of chair n sometimes I don't even know she has jumped up beside me n all of sudden I will automatically be petting her. My hubby said, she got me trained. ; )

I am really struggling now and not because of my mother. I have been working at a new work site (same company). I am having trouble getting my work done and clocked out on time which is frowned upon. The problem is customer service is so incredibly busier than what I have been used to and the routine of the shifts is different than other sites I have worked at. I am a worrier so I am really worried about my success at this site. I have actually become depressed about it. I just finished my second week there and I'm hoping for the best for this next week. I have never been the fastest but I have never been the slowest since I have been working for this company which I have 4 years invested in, and I don't want to look for another job now. I just too damn old to start over again. Anyway I have groceries to put away. My cat gets a reaction to celery like it's catnip and he is going crazy in the kitchen. Love and hugs to all!!

Burned~ I know how family members can be so one sided. Of course we all have to put our immediate family first, but if family can't be emotionally supportive of others, without all the snipping and putting down, it creates unnecessary stress. I only family member I have had problems with has been my own mother who will take advantage of me and other family members because she can't see her children as separate individual people. Good luck with your facebook page, you might also consider Esty.

She called me selfish i meant to say lol :) when i kept her house clean and try to teach her kids some respect for the adults.

I started seperate facebook page to draw some attention to my writings and such besides handicrafts like crocheting and loom knitting and my sister went ballistic over something that is several months old by now and i refuse to communicate to her now because its become petty this and petty that no real actual talking. I hate that i had to do it but I called the selfish one when I was looking after my husband who had a stroke in 09 and few other things trying to keep my family off the street. She can send my dress to me and along with 7,500 dollars owed to my family. I wil state that in my own personal will because I am not ms moneybags like she is. She needs therapy like I am going thru and its just pointless to have discussions with siblings whose only focus is on themselves. I love my family but if they cant love me for who I am then why try to dance with them and do the brownie points thing. It does get old and its does get stressful...I can't count the number of times over the years while my husband been in the hospital and both of our families looked the other way.

Careful: I agree, you didn't let your dad down. I'm sorry your brother and one sister are so unkind to you. You deserve much better. Hugs, Cattails

My dad died six weeks after they moved in. My dad had diabetes and terrible wounds on his feet. I cared for him with the help of home health during this time. My brother didn't come and see my dad until he was about to go into the hospital and have his legs amputated. My dad died a week later. I called my brother the night before and told him that dad was going into heart failure and would he fly in.
He hung up and called me back and said the ticket was $400 and he couldn't come. He works for Homeland Security....excuse me. Now everywhere my mom and I go he goes ahead of us and "marks his territory." That's what I call it. He's a major control freak. I have two older sisters. The oldest child and sister is all in with my brother. She even wrote on my Facebook page where my kids would see it that she had never loved them or me. She lives next door to mom's vacant house and refuses to help with it. My other sister has been supportive all along, but has some issues of her own that create even more conflict in this already CRAZY family. I'm the baby. I'm a tough cookie though. My dad came to me in a dream and I told him that I was sorry I had let him down. He grabbed my shoulders and said oh honey you didn't let me down....I let you down. My dad made my brother equal owner of he and my mother's stock. Now my brother refuses to remove his name from it. What a mess!

I don't want to sound like i'm man-bashing because i'm married to one of the wonderful ones, but why do parents always give so much power to the boys in the family? Especially concerning their healthcare. My brother told me that if I took the emotion out of the situation that I would see having my father in a nursing home is what was best. Isn't that how people end up in nursing homes? Taking the emotion out of the situation? Needless to say, I convinced my mother to take my dad out and moved them both in with me. Now my brother is telling everyone that I supported dad being in the nursing home and that I'm a liar. All my brother can think about is his greed and himself. I had my mom change the healthcare surrogacy over to me and my brother went balistic saying that he almost sued me but didn't cause I'm family. He told me that I was a manipulator and that mom was the biggest manipulator of them all. I guess this is what happens when your the only boy in a family. You get turned into little lord fauntleroy!

Margeaux,

I smile at the term "proud peasant" because that is exactly who I am in the pecking order of my family. I've done my best to ignore the fact that the other siblings are favored and given keys, responsibilities, etc. and I am treated as a second class daughter by my own mother. She suffers from some sort of problem that causes her to rage in anger whenever anyone crosses her. Unfortunately, my father calls upon me to help him with tasks occasionally and doesn't tell her. That is when I get an accusing phone call, "Why didn't you tell me your father talked with you about _____?" The conversation ends as soon as it begins. I am not allowed to speak, not respected in any way, shape or form and my mother continues to dictate to me as if she believes I am still that 10 year old daughter. It is utterly amazing to hear her flip into her rage over the phone and "forbid" me to see my father. I'm sure my dad has known over the years that she has often done this to me and caused the divisions within the family. It does not hurt me any longer because I dealt with issues of my family of origin in counseling years ago. My mother's abusive behavior toward me during childhood was forgiven long ago. I've attempted in the best way I can to have a loving and kind relationship with her ever since. It is her choice to mistreat and disrespect me and the other people that she abuses with her screaming fits and demands. The way I look at life now, my father chose to remain married to my mother despite her poor behavior at times. Although he is not able to care for himself any longer, the choices he made in his life have left him in the hands of a very controlling and domineering woman. If she chooses to be cruel to her own children then he must bear the consequences as long as he is married to her. I am sad for my dad but I don't allow her to mistreat me any longer. I'm no longer afraid of her and I no longer need her approval. That is the freeing aspect of the result of my family of origin therapy years ago. I keep the boundaries necessary for my own safety and mental health. It is unfortunate that some of us have a parent or brother or sister that is abusive and cruel. It is a fact of many lives and I'm just glad I don't allow it to rule my emotional health any longer. It took me 39 years to get to that point, but I'm happier because I chose to love myself and then love the others in my life to the best of my ability. If they can't love me back, that is not my fault or anything that I should feel guilty or badly about. It is just reality, some people like my mother may have been abused as a child and never got the therapy they deserved. Unfortunately, I can't bear the responsibility for her poor choices and bad behavior. I'm just a proud peasant too!

JW, Welcome to the thread.
After having read your post, I can't help but think. I too am the eldest of four siblings. But of the siblings we are two sisters, being the eldest, then the two brothers. In our family also, there has been this inherent dysfunction that the daughters would just jump in there and do all the details about caregiving. I many years ago, was living in a foreign country, living my life. If you can believe it, my narcissistic mother at the time still had power over me. Well in short I left a really good relationship & came back. In hindsight I admit it was guilt, being the eldest and always following through w/family. At that time, my dad was a bit older, certainly not ill yet. Anyway, I didn't move back in with my parents. Eventually, though I did, my dad was diagnosed w/cancer. So I was living there helping out in any way I could. But my dad was very independent, not a high maintenance person, My sis help out a lot also at this time, but not our brothers.
But I did become the watch person. Mom was many times too tired, and emotional on account of dad's surgeries, chemo and all that. This was now 12 years ago, and I moved out also.

Current day my sister has done the caregiving, but in a way more intense manner, than was expected of me, since dad was a different world compared to our mom w/ALZ, and her sister-the narcissist, who just died-RIP!!

My dad was a nice guy.

Anyway, my point about all that I just wrote, is the fact that in our family also, we women have been the ones called upon when there's caring to be done. It took me a very long time, and I guess I finally realized it when I did return from my time away in Europe, that my mom was still affecting and making me feel guilty for what? She didn't want to allow me to live my life! I finally had to put my foot down with her, and I am so glad that I did, for my own sake. My morale was just constantly being taken down by mother. I was sick of it! I was raised the people pleaser, so this was hard for me. O.K., I'm sure this possibly had something to do w/much later decisions going on in the clan, about legal matters. I totally got bypassed in terms of being elected as a POA for my parents. This has hurt, being the eldest and I was there little go to gal all the while I was growing up. But bottom line, there was too much of the male hierarchy going in our family, the "BOYS," would always be entrusted w/such important positions. I'm more like a proud peasant, in terms of pecking order. HAAH!

Even right now, my sister lives w/mom, does a wonderful job. She's gone through a lot doing this because she also had to put up w/mom's sister, til just this last Jan. That was literal hell for her and me, especially. Our brothers also as yours, don't get their hands dirty at all. They'd prefer to as you're brother says, "let nature take it's course."
My sister too, is on the one hand a very strong person. Every now and again, she gets her feelings hurt because mom has never been the nurtury kind of mom.
Well, she's going to get less of this now that mom has the ALZ. But in our case, my has mellowed tons.
JW, don't feel that you have to put up with this behavior by your mom, nor your brother's. I in a sense, have had to take a stand as such, but for other reasons.
You have done a lot for your mother, and if she is the very one, expressing she would rather you leave, this must be terrible after everything you have already done for her. Well, now if your mom has elected your brothers for the legalities,
let them take over. I'm not afraid to admit to this part in my circumstance, the fact that I'm not legally in charge, so this limits my power, but then I also have my boundaries of my own on account of this too. There! It also feels great to say this!
I feel it is of utmost importance for one to realize that we are worthy of respect.
No one else will respect us, if we don't honor ourselves in this regard. Love and Light! Margeaux

Dear JW,
My Father is a full blown NPD, (mother Borderline) and I believe the genes, and generational karma is handed down through our family lineage. Isn't that amazing, from people we've never even met??? Naturally, our parents acted out what they didn't know how to work out; as a consaquence, they handed their wounds to us, their children.
JW, I so identify with you that I'd like to share a therapeutic technique i recently learned called "Self Identity" from Dr. Stanley Hewlen based on Hooponopono Healing. I think is going to be quite helpful in healing our inner-child when those thoughts and feelings of guilt, rejection, and not being good enough come up; rooted in our childhood development. I'm going to become more aware to connect these painful thoughts/feelings immediately to my inner-child, and say to her: I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, and thank you, (to my inner-child) for holding onto the false core beliefs, memories, and thoughts about myself. Ask: What is it in me that created this feeling? (painful childhood) This is based on his phenominal book, co-authored by Joe Vitale,( from
movie The Secret,) "Zero Limits".
I've been working on healing from NPD abuse my entire life, so am looking forward to giving this a try. So happy to hear you're moving to take care of YOU for a change. Much love always.......

JW~I have been following your posts and you are doing the right thing by getting out. You are not being selfish by any means. You need to develop boundaries with your family to protect yourself which your therapist should help you develop them. Chances are your mother will do the same things to your brothers and then they will come calling on you to come back to care for her. You need to stand your ground with them if/when this happens. You have been given advice here and I hope all works out for you, stay in touch!!