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burnedncaringst, when my wife went on disability she also got some money each month from each of our boys until they turned 18. This is a benefit that the children should be getting if they are under 18.
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Tonight, I took a very bold move in talking with my step-brother. His dad, my step-father, owes my mother over $31,000 but no payments have been made since April of 2011. Turns out that my step-brother has been dragging his feet which he admitted to and had not even gotten the durable and medical POA in his possession until recently. They were written up in 2005 and I encouraged him to take the durable POA by the register of deeds office to have it filed. Also, that is how it is activated in our state. My step-brother has been writing checks, paying his father's bills with his own signature from one of his dad's accounts for years without this durable POA in his possession.

Tonight, I reminded my step-brother of this history and that I did not understand why no payments had been made since the three of us had agreed that payments would be made on a monthly basis. I told him that in light of this history and as my mother's durable POA that from this point forward, my mother's taxes would be filed married but separate in order to make it clear whose income bears what tax amount. My mother has her own accounts and investments which she made me co-owner of with right of survivorship long ago. My step-father has income from separate sources himself. I also got my step-brother to agree to sign an agreement sheet that as his father's POA, he would pay this debt to my mother and if need be to her estate if she dies before it is paid in full.

My step-brother wanted me to wait until he saw what impact this would have on his father's taxes. I reminded my step-brother several times that because of the amount of the debt of which nothing has been paid that I am moving forward with the request to the CPA for my mother's taxes to be paid married but separate. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he did not like that very much, but however, I did not need his agreement for I was just informing him of my decision.

My step-brother is wrong about one thing though concerning the joint checking account that my step-dad and my mother have. He wants to claim that since my mother has not put any money in the joint account in years that all of the money there belongs only to his dad. I corrected him saying that in the eyes of the law both owners of a joint account have equal access to that account. However, he still wants to view it as belonging only to his dad.

The one thing that I wonder is about his Durable POA. I think there a statue of limitation for activating it by registering it with the register of deeds in NC. If that is so, the current Durable POA is not valid which also means that my step-brother has been writing and signing these checks without the proper authorization. So, I think he is going to have to get another Durable POA drawn up.
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Ok Burned: You get Social Security Disability of about $900.00 per month for a family of four, plus what you make as his caregiver. Not a lot to live on.

When you talk about his Long Term Care, how does that compare to Medicaid? What does it cover? Would Medicaid cover more?

What about the life insurance policy you mentioned a while back. Is that still in force?

What do you mean about LTC forced the spend down on you. What in God's name do you have that needs to be spent down?

Burned: I think you are doing your best to keep your family off the streets. I think your husband is frustrated because it may seem to him that he has no purpose in life. He wants to feel he has some control over his life and it may be that he sees your stress, as you mentioned, and that upsets him two. I think the two are tied together.

Can he get to the bathroom on his own? Can he make himself something to eat? I think it would be wonderful for you to get an outside job and be able to see another part of life.

How much can you earn without losing benefits?

I know I ask a lot of personal questions, but I don't know what I can offer, if anything, if I don't feel I have an understanding of your situation.

If you don't want to answer the questions I have asked, just tell me. I will understand that you just need to vent.

Hugs, Cattails
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Yes I am his paid caregiver in Az. I get paid every 2 wks and renew my certs and going thru training etc. He gets disability which is barely under 900 dollars a month. Most of that goes to rent then bills. I buy him the things he needs and i do give him money but he goes no where and stays at home. He wants to reverse because he says he is tired of seeing me stressed etc but I am use to doing all the paperwork that is involved. I have to argue with him to get him see the specialists He doesnt want to depend on me and he is fighting for his dependence which I do get but i am tired of the mood swings. I told him I am not going behind his back on anything and i do give him money but sometimes not every month can i afford to give him money because I have to pay everything off. I am trying to save some of my cash which is near impossible because he wants smokes all the time and when i tell him we do not have it he gets snippy with me. I said its either i pay the bills or we go without...we need to quit anyways but he is not up for that. So not trying to make him sound like he is losing it mentally but even his comprehension sucks at times. So I already plan to go to his appts with him but not sit on them so he can get fully mentally and further medically evaluated. Its not that I want MPA but if I were have that document active then I will be in charge of everything including medical decisions. He forgets how serious my position as mother and a caregiver shows. I told him fine go ahead and fire me but what are we gonna do about money to pay the bills so we do not end up on the streets. I work only during the night with him but when both of my kids go to the school this august then i am gonna be around someone who sleeps all day. So i am taking care of him but also taking care of what is important family. So here I am doing everything and getting bitched at for keeping it straight. Ltc forced the spend down on me or else the program would of stopped. I keep it going cuz he has trouble with mobility and his epilepsy. He did suffer a stroke in 09 but that doesn't mean i need to be treated like a crap.
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Burned: Can you answer the questions I asked in my last two posts to you. I think you start to do it, but then get off track. Try to answer them. It might help.
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Burned: What does your husband do with any money you give him?
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i am being compensated as his caregiver but he doesn't like me being his payee and now he is wanting to reverse everything. I dunno if i should file for conservatorship over him because half the time he doesn't know his age or ppl's name. the last time i gave him money and sometimes i can't after I pay rent and bills and then use my peanuts check to cover the rest of the bills. I take care of his enterainment and even bought him a sewing machine he hasn't use. He is gone super paranoid on me and were fighting all the time over MONEY again. I almost told him I would leave him if he keeps it up cuz its getting old and he wants to go back to indiana where there is no family support or do anything for him. I even told him he needs to go to the stress center after I make sure he sees his other doctors. He is smart and he knows wtf he is doing sometimes and not. The other night when I was off the clock I went out with a friend and I came back his pupils were fully dilated like he had seizure which explain him not answering the phone but still i was trying to have a lil break from it all. I know i am complaining but ya know it gets bad when ur husband wants to fire u as caregiver and reverse the order of things that i was forced to do in order to keep him under LTC because he is fall risk. I have him seeing a therapist.. even for being a smart lady i still have no answers.
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Burned: What kind of income do you have? Is your husband on SSI Disablility? You get some compensation for being his care giver....how much per month. Do you qualify for food stamps..I think you receive them? Why does it take you so long to get your taxes filed? It seems like it would be the same every year.

Is your husband receiving assistance from Medicaid? I remember from the Dys. Family thread there was an issue with a life insurance policy your husband had and the two of you didn't want it to be affected by Medicaid. Is that still the same situation? If so, what kind of life insurance policy is it. If the "cash surrender" value is less than $2,000.00 then I think it could remain in effect with you being the beneficiary.

You are a smart lady. You can handle the handle the form the electric company sent you. Call them if you need help. I've no doubt you can handle it.

Cattails
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I Have tried all that and no luck.. electric company wants me to file a form and send it back to them and its not simplified enough for me. Then my landlord is no help but i have tried to get someone to watch the kids but can't save the money to send them on a vacation of their own to visit another friend that is their godmother. None of the churches are supportive unless u become part of the family...wouldnt believe some snoggery and snubbery in this desert town. So i am still playing it by ear but got taxes almost ready to be mailed out etc but i am really stretched inside and out...sometimes the worst place is to be at home and sometimes it not but if i do something for my health or ask for mini vacation i prolly wont get it cuz i havent been hubby's aide long enough and its like i am piling up sick days. I wish I could go to the spa or out of town and do something for me.
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Don't y'all just love how other family members think they know it all n then blame it on you.
Claudie, block them from calling you and maybe that would help you. It seems all they r doing is just causing more stress for you. You got enough of that already, so get rid of the negativity if you think it would help.

Burned, have you tried for any public assistants on some of those bills? Like Family & Children Services or maybe churches can direct you toward a path for finacial help on the utility bills? I know the Salvation Army if you have one use to help out with bills if they have the funds. All you can do is give it a shot and all they can say is No. Maybe someone else knows some other resources that could help you out.
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Great thread idea. Every family is dysfunctional in some way. The hard part for me being caregiver is having two older half-brothers who are narcissistic. They want to make the decisions, call the shots, tell me what to do (I'm 50!) then sit back and criticize me for not getting results they want. I tune them out and stand my ground on decisions. They only visit her once a year...offer no money for her needs, want no involvement with her care yet feel entitled to question my choices. It eats away at me but I'm learning. I may even change my phone number so that I can focus on Mom and not feel bullied. Mom gave me poa and health care proxy so I am empowered. I do what I can and what I believe is right for Mom. I can't second guess myself by listening to 4th quarter coaches coming in and changing the gameplan. It's made me tougher. A blessing in many ways really. I am stronger now than ever before. Just like my Mom!
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I am sorry I havent post much here but i been dealing with alot of stuff lately. It seems I can't keep up anymore or focus. There are times I want to cry and there are times I wish i didn't have to deal with cold unfeeling members of either family. They have literally freeze my husband out cuz he can't text and most of the time he sleeps more than he should and on the 14th we see the pulmonologist and then I schedule his appt with his neuro and make one for me because the naproxen isn't cutting it. I am at the end of my rope barely making it by a thread. Then I find out my sister doesn't care about what I am going thru. She has no guilt for taking advantage of my situation or my family and totally blames shit on me which is why she isnt gonna be the kids next of kin. I already got someone else in the mind for that. Right now been dealing with bills and paying them as quick as I can. I got an extension on the electric bill so we didn't lose power and my water bill went up to 50 bucks for this month. I paid the rent and the cell phone. I need to make a payment towards my credit card and find a way to take care of other stuff and finish my certs for this yr for me to continue to be his caregiver etc. I just feel like i am in the middle of the road about ready to be made into a pancake mess. I havent had time to write in my journal or be creative. I havent had time to work on any hobbies etc. I want to start so many things but its impossible when ur well is dry and there is nothing left to hold on to. So I think i am gonna take a break from things and try to relax now that i have some support but its gonna be difficult and i am just tired of feeling sad and depressed.
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I have to use that lavender oil to keep me calm when I have to go up to Atlanta n see my transplant dr. I have to make that trip June 7th for my routine 10th yrs post-kidney transplant. Except now they have us oldies coming in around noon and leaving almost before folks get off from work. I hope n pray I don't get in that bumper-to-bumper mess for I may have to just take a bath in that lavender oil. ; )
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Emjo, yes that tension you wrote about. I too know what this feels like, after I've had those phone calls from my sister loading me up with her views about her mis-behaved daughter who lives there with she, and mom. It can be also about the dysfunction about my brother's situation and his family unit who had that beer fest birthday party, of which his wife was absent. Apparently, she's still out of the house staying at her sister's house. Then as I've written about in the past there's always, my sister's ongoing need to be the controller in too many situations, w/o any boundaries in place. The boundaries, that I'm really reminding myself about daily, as they surface in a variety of ways. But if I may suggest Emjo, try taking a walk, maybe some stretching. Anything, to release the pent up tension. This helps me tremendously! I even do the walks up and down my block, when I feel I'm not up to longer ones. Smell some lavender scents, it's very calming. Hugs & Peace,
Margeaux
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I think a garden to relax in is great-I spray painted my which plastic chairs bright blue and have part of a shower chair I use as a table that I painted yellow-my flower gardens have too many weeds to be relaxing.
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Austin, I love the idea about creating a "Lady Cave." Everyone should have a cave of some sort. Our place is somewhat small, so I use our lovely garden for some sort of sanctuary. But if we had more room, I was imagining the kid of cave I would create for myself.
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cmagnum, I am not even going to attempt to give you any advice on the tax deal except good luck. However, I would like to say something about your Man Cave and that is, "You Luky Dog." I had to give up my computer room and I took all my certificate n diplomas down so that the mnl would feel more homely in at least one of the rooms in the house. I aminly use my laptop in the living room right across from the mnl chair. I do go back their to my computer if I need to make copies and to check on mnl when she get too quiet. I learn that when my son would be quiet. : ) That is great that you have a room away from the house n you have AC in their too, man! It sounds almost like a mini vacation.
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Emjo I used self talk ab=fter reading Dr. Phils book and repeated I do not deserve to be treated this way until I believed it. Do you have a lady cave you can disappear in to or a favorite chair aor a piece of a flower garden or a bird feeder or birdbath-watching the birds bathe in the bird baths gives me joy-I have then near a large window where I sit or wind chims make me happy-how about calling a good friend-I know you have some real good friend because you are such a nice lady.
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Joan, I heard from the CPA that my step-brother faxed him the needed information after calling him on the phone since the e-mail from two weeks ago did not get a response. Thus, the taxes will be finished in the morning.
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Joan~Yes I can relate to that feeling of constant anxiety and tension. It took many years after I got married to be able to wake up on Sunday without the anxiety associated to Sundays (my dads only day off and the day everything would come to a head with my mother). The sound of ice in a glass was another trigger for me for many years too. I detached from my mother back in my twenties so I think that helped a lot. Currently I like you, know that just about any time she will turn on us creating unnecessary stress. Positive self talk is good. With my mother, I can usually determine that she will create unnecessary stress after something gets said to her that she ruminates on for a few days so I always prepare myself in advance for her attack. She is pretty predictable. I became my mother's surrogate spouse when I was 12 years old. She came to me for all her emotional support. As a result I learned how she thinks because I used to think like her until I started breaking the cycle. Living your own life and enjoying your life is so important to keeping a balance. I don't know about your mother, but my mother is so child like, so immature emotionally and maybe that makes it somewhat easier to deal with her personality and to prepare for her next tantrum. Take care and relax by doing what you enjoy♥!
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Still struggling with the battle of wills with my mom. After I put my foot down my SIL helped with some loose ends that needed doing. She helped clean a closet and empty the apartment garage stall. My sister came up today to deal with whatever other re-arranging my mom wants done. We are still struggling with her demanding she needs something urgently to only decide it is irrelevant when someone comes to do it. Then there is the whole mess that she insists I am "on call" for her whenever she wants something. She won't use either option from the apartments for getting grocery and other shopping done. She insists I do it instead. So part of the plan for the last 2 weeks was I be unavailable. Other family members try to do what absolutely needs to be done and her nurse, OT and everyone else is supposed to be working on getting her to sign up for either grocery store option. Here's the problem. No matter what the issue is my mom won't get it through her head that I have to work and have other things I must deal with. I tell her I can't do such and such because I have to work, can't lift it etc. and she just ignores it and makes up something else. She insisted I must have been offended as the reason for not being around last week. I assured her that was not it and that I have tons of work I have to get done (i'm self employed). She then decided maybe I was out of town last week. I can not get her to understand that I work and can't just do whatever. It doesn't seem to matter who or how this is explained. She refuses to believe I work. So all the effort to get her into a routine, using the apartment service for errands or anything else is become totally frustrating. She simply won't believe me or anyone else that I work and have other responsibilities. My being gone doesn't seem to be working. Help?
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Joan, my mother is not benefiting from her husband's income at all! Everything that is not covered by her long term insurance is paid out of our joint account and will soon draw on the income from our securities. This is even more reason to disconnect her taxes from his.
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Cmag, to me. it sounds like some good ideas from your therapist. I would think filing as married but separate would give your/your mum some protection. There is no way part of the taxes on your step dad's income should be paid by your mum. IMO. She is not benefitting from hi income is she? I also think trying to get them to sign an agreement, as you mentioned is a good idea, as is letting it go if they won't. You can only do so much, and boundaries are very important. It does sound like your mum has taken another step into the dementia maze, and her doc needs to know that.

Thank for the support and understanding, everyone. I am so glad the weekend is over. I am reaping benefits in terms of being more relaxed, and also due to hearing from cousins who want to keep contact. I feel blessed by this. For too long I have been isolated from the "healthy" branches of the family. It is another result of being a child of a dysfunctional branch (there are more than one). My mother's sister, and brothers were the nicest people you could meet, and it was so good for me to be able to be with their offsoring. I can identify with how they approach life, which I can't when it comes to my mother and sister.

I am wondering if anyone can relate to being in an ongoing state of tension/ stress, always, waiting for the "other shoe to fall. Even in between episodes, I know that sooner or later there will be more craziness, and I am expecting it to happen - and - it always does. So I live with a degree of tension, which I am sure is not healthy. It may be part of the PTSD, and, if anyone has any ideas about getting rid of it, I welcome them. I think 'positive self-talk" is one. For example, telling myself that there have been X days without craziness, and beng thankful for that.
It is a beautiful morning here - sunny and 55 going up to 77. That is just about right for me. Unfortunately I also have a trip to the dentist, but that is what I call "necessary pain". It is all the" unnecessary pain" that is hard to take. It seems like such a waste.
((((((hugs))))) to all
Joan
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My therapist is more concerned about me setting boundaries with that side of my family. My CPA has told me that I, as mom's durable POA, can decide to file my mother's taxes married but separate. My concern is that if he is not willing to even begin paying my mother back, then is he going to be willing to pay for the taxes filed jointly when the all of the tax due is because of his income and not my mother's? The other legal stuff I can check with a lawyer about, but I think it is a basic legal agreement between two people that would need to be notarized. I gather that neither my step-dad nor my step-brother have seen my mother's will. It took me a while to find it, but it says that I'm the executor and the sole beneficiary of everything she ever bought, was given, or inherited. Learning that, it not going to make either one of them very happy. Also, I'm co-owner with right of suvivorship of my mother's personal bank accounts, CDs and securities which is how she set things up about 10 years ago.
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Cmagnum: Are you sure your "therapist" is the best person to get tax guidance from? I think I would want a second opinion from an income tax and estate specialist. You're a smart guy, so maybe you've done that. Just seems odd to have a therapist giving you tax info. Especially in such a critical matter. Hugs, Cattails
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That is right, the CNA has been calming mom down twice this past week. I do think a call needs to be put into the doctor about this for he might want to order a bed with rails. This is the beginning of her fourth year in the nursing home. My question is has she reached a point where she needs to be in a nursing home with a memory/Alzheimer's Unit.

My therapist recommended that I draw up a contract concerning the money my step-dad owes to my mother that she paid on his past-due taxes, penalties and CPA expenses when I cleaned up that mess from 2004-2009 after it came to my attention in 2009. I really should have had those returns filed married but separate and I would not be in this mess of my step-dad owing my mother money that came from her and my joint account to pay his part of taxes. He said that I needed to draw up the contract for my step-dad and his son who is his POA stating that he owes my mother this money and as her POA as well as the executor and sole beneficiary of her estate, I want to keep her estate in tack. Thus, I want a monthly payment to my mother of whatever amount they chose until this $32,000+ is paid off. Just in case, one dies before the other and the debt is not paid, I need to state in the contract that if my mother were to preceded my step-dad in death that this debt would be owed to her estate or if my step-dad preceded my mom in death this debt would be owed to my mother from his estate. He said if your step-brother and step-dad will not sign this, then just forget it. He also suggested that I just call up my step-brother who continues to drag his feet about the 2011 tax return, tell him I am going on and filing my mother's return as married filing separately and wish him a good day for his dad and those taxes are now his full responsibility.
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lildeb, my "Man Cave" is a good thing. It is in the back of my garage which is not attached to the house. It is a 20 x 20 room that is furnished and decorated just the way I want it. It is "my room." This is wear I go to unwind.

I have a desk with my computer and huge screen. One wall is filled with all of the stuff related to Tae Kwon Do that I once did. Another wall is filled with diplomas and certificates. A third wall is full of shelves with my books and I have my special chair for me to read in with a ceiling fan overhead. The other wall is where the door is and the window with the AC.
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Lildeb: The CNA was saying what THEY do to deal with it, which is talking to her to help calm her down. Also, she is in a Nursing Home right now, just not one with a memory/Alzheimer's Unit. I did thing your idea to report her confusion to the doc was a good one. Cattails
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"Man Cave," not sure if that is for the good or the bad? I call mine stuck in, "Prison."
As for your mom, she mention that, "she was NOT doing what they wanted her to do and she is on their bad side? What exactly is she talking about? Is she making this up? You may have to put up a camcorder or monitor to check things out.
As for the CNA telling you to, "deal with it." That sure does not sound too professional.
Since this has happen twice withing a week, I would make a physician phone call and see if he is aware of this odd behavior. Their can be a number of things that can triggor odd behaviors and that is where the dr should have been follow up on her changes by the CNA. Of course, that is what I would think.

You know that a CNA can get burned-out just like us and she had overlooked forgot to report any behavioral changes to your mom's physician. I would call the physician so that he is aware to find out what is going on with your mom.

As for considering putting your mom in a NH, that will be up to you when you think you can no longer help your mom and manage your life as well. Only you will know when that time is right.
I am glad that you n your wife got to enjoy a nice meal n y'all probable had a nice drive back n forth. Hey, appreciate every little minute you get and enjoy life.
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lildeb, upon entering my mother's room at the nursing home, we noticed her legs were not under the covers and her feet were at the side of the bed. I asked if she was too warm. No, she said, I must get out of here and drive my car to ___ for they are expecting me over there soon. We were able to divert her attention to other topics, but she did manage to keep returning to that one. She claimed to have walked the day before and wanted me to help her out of bed so that she could go get in her car and drive to ______. I told her that I was not able to help her stand by myself, but I was going to get a CNA. She did not like that idea for she said that she was already on their bad side for she did not do everything they wanted her to do which she said in a very quite almost little girl tone of voice. The CNA informed me that mom has been like this twice this past week. To deal with it, they just talk with her and help her to calm down. Upon leaving, we told the RN about this. They are going to keep an eye on her. Does this mean she needs to go to a nursing home with an Alzheimer's unit? She can't walk and has not walked since April of 2009. However, she thinks that she has been standing and walking a lot.

We made a short visit with my step-dad who has not been able to see my mother since Friday with his helper gone. His step-son took him on a trip over the weekend in order to keep an eye on him. He was glad to hear that we had visited my mom but did not ask how she was doing which is what he usually says. Maybe he is finally seeing just how demented she has become. However, he also seems to think that there is some magic wand that will make my mother all better and if I keep in contact with her more, then she will clear up. Sad wishful thinking.

My wife and I went out for a nice meal before driving home. I'm presently in my "Man Cave"
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