The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I hope your trip is safe n you have a nice visit with your mom. It sounds like you already done a mail address change at the post office so maybe some mail takes awhile. You and your wife should go out n have a nice dinner as well just two of you and just breathe and smell the fresh air. Good luck.

lildeb, I know what you mean, but I'd like to use a rapid fire shotgun.

Your Irish? Cool. My dad is Irish-German and my mother Scotch-English.

I guess that I should just forget the money owed and cut my step-father loose on his taxes by filling my mother's taxes, married but separate. I'm going to discuss the money thing and taxes with my therapist tomorrow.

My wife and I are traveling up to visit my mother today and will stop by for a quick hello with my step-father to mainly check on any mail that has come for my mother that is important that did not come to me like I have all of her other mail come to me that comes on a regular basis. I think that I may have posted these poems before, but I will post them again if anyone is interested

Cmagmun, I'm one those rescue person n I use to do my past life with poetry, mine was very depression with a hint of humor. I have always tried to help others n it is very hard to get those few whom r not willing to help themselves. I'm having that issue with my dad n he lives in another state. My brothers have tried to talk to him too n nothing. It breaks my heart because he is still my daddy even though he has let alcohol control him n the freaking step-mom too! Father's Day is around the corner n I have this feeling he may not be around to see the next Father's Day. You can only do so much with a stubborn Irish-alcoholic parent. Now, I know where I got my stubborness--my dad n mom's side, for she had Apache in her n she was alcoholic too. What is the deal with the freaking alcohol? I have always wanted to take a machine gun and just blow every one of those liquior store to bits. However, I know it would only hurt some innocent people n don't forget you have all those bootleggers.
I only saw the therapist during my college time and it was only about 4 times. It probable wouldn't hurt me to go now, however, the mnl will be stuck up my you know what n that's not going to help either. So, I bite my tongue until I blow. I am getting better from not biting my tongue sometimes by doing heavy intense burning work around the house to wear me out. Plus, I only everybit of 4'7" and 90lbs soaking wet. ; )

Getting back to you, as for the $$$ that is owed to your mom, I agree with Cattail that, "it is better to just cut ties with the sibs and realize you will not get any help from them in caring for your mom. You are banging your head against a brick wall there." That was a good one Cattail. Sad but true and its not worth the headaches that it will cause for you. You will have to try n be the bigger person, just let it go n move on. The Social Service idea is another good one and all they can say is no or denied.

burnedncaringst, how do you even go about trying to get compensation or can u even get paid taking care of a eldery AD relative while living in same house?

Sharynmarie, You got to teach me that, "to exercise my emotional muscles of detachment." I am terribly sorry and she seems so hard-headed. Yet, at least for now she understand you are trying to 'prevent' her from going to the NH.

I hope everyone has a very nice day. Here in GA we have a hint of breeze-n- a little sunshine. love it, I may try n clip some weeds.

I hope everyone is having a quite, relaxing Memorial Day Weekend!
Joan~I also am glad the birthday party went well. The anxiety we experience when we are going to an event with other people who have a history of creating drama can be so intense. It's always a relief when it is over.
Yesterday sis and I had a long talk with mom. We have been trying to get her to see a neurologist for some time now. Sis did some checking on mom's long term healthcare policy which will pay for home healthcare, however, mom must be diagnosed before we can bill them for home healthcare. We talked with her about this, telling her we are only trying to follow the plans that you already set in motion but because you are fighting us on following through, the only other option you are leaving us is to call APS when you progress to the point of not being able to care for yourself, and if we have to call APS, the situation is out of my and sis's hands. Mom wouldn't commit to seeing a neurologist but has agreed to go see her elder law attorney with my sis and me. Mom tried to turn it on us by saying we were trying to put her in a NH, take her car away, etc. but we told her we can't put you in a NH home against your will. We are trying to utilize your long term healthcare policy so you can stay home longer. I told mom that if she doesn't do this, she will have to pay out of pocket which will use up her money quickly and she will be placed in a NH sooner than she wants to be. So far she has not retaliated with nasty phone calls to us accusing us of a long list of elder abuse. She was very lucid yesterday but because of past experience with her, I am not holding my breath that this will go as easily as making an appointment with her attorney to have him explain the same thing to her. Without sounding totally pessimistic I am prepared to exercise my emotional muscles of detachment when and if the fallout comes from our visit yesterday, Lol!!

Sorry I haven't been on here in a good while...I am trying to get my printer to work to mail my taxes...sucks cuz i am out of black ink. Then I am helping out a family also besides taking care of mine. I am also praying and crossing fingers that I get a teacher's aide position so I will be working 2 jobs...night time caregiving and working at the local school to help the system out there since both of my kids will be in school come august. I can't believe it my daughter has 3 days left and she graduated. As for hubby's family and some of mine dysfunction rampant so we have em on ignore list. Family helps family by being there and supporting another; not stealing their money etc. If ur a family member like me taking care of a loved one whether its the state or private care yes you do deserve some compensation....it had taken me five yrs to finally get where I am at and so far I am grateful...I am glad I got a drug addict to stop harrassing my husband but next time she tries coming around restraining order will be placed...so yes it may be rough right now but i am taking care of business...Learn to vent and yell at the wind and learn to detach ur emotions from ppl who do not care what ur going thru is good excerise.

Emjo, Margeaux, Sharynmarie: Thanks for your comments about my Granddaughter. She's a keeper for sure:)

Emjo: I'm so happy you had a big good side to your family visit experience. There will always be some negative, like your mom's comment, but I'm sure that's just her way of saying you are not involved enough in her life. Just think of all the other sarcastic comments you would get if you were more involved in her life. Ahhhhh, love those boundaries.

Gavonna: I think a letter from your attorney to Social Services demanding that appropriate reprimands be given to those who mishandled your mother and failed to investigate your sister's charges against you is more than appropriate. Social Services should be required to take action to make sure this doesn't happen again and they should tell you the steps and actions that have been taken. Going further than that, however, may cause you other difficulties....but maybe not. Just responding to their comment to you that sounded like a bit of a threat. Do what you and your lawyer think is best.

My other thought was, "how much is all this lawyer business going to cost you?" I so agree that it is better to just cut ties with the sibs and realize you will not get any help from them in caring for your mom. You are banging your head against a brick wall there.

Since your mom is now living with you, can Social Services provide in home help with her care. If so, it will help ease the burden on you and your friends and everyone will last longer, including you.

These are just a few thoughts. You have your hands full and it's a crying shame that you have had to endure all the other BS in addition to caring for your mom. I do agree, there has to be some skeletons in the closet that you are unaware of.

Good luck and keep us posted. Hugs, Cattails

Emjo, I'm so happy for you that the birthday party is behind you, and you can breathe a big sigh of relief! That's how I felt the weekend after that birthday party at my drama brother's place for his granddaughter.

Isn't it interesting when a narcissist knows exactly what to say, as your mother about not recognizing you. Good for you, that instead it sounds as if you had a good time reconnecting with other family at the party. Again, I find that we must become very aware, and hopefully this gives us that inner strength we really all have w/in us, to detach from these kinds of people. It's almost like a muscle, if it doesn't get exercised, it goes soft. So let's exercise these emotional muscles! Love & Light! Margeaux

lildeb, I'm glad reading my condensed autobiography was helpful. It does seem a bit less painful each time I write it as I'm gaining distance from much of my past.

You comment, "However, we all know we cannot do it all and hopefully your children will eventually be able to break what chains that are left that need to be broken in order to live a happy life style for their children." is very true and I see some of what remains in each son. The oldest son deals with his pain and anger like I did in college by all of the physical training that he does. He's in the same pre-olympic condition that my dad said I was at that time. However, also like me back then, he is not as assertive as he needs to be; he gets overwhelmed with the needs of others; and he tries to rescue people, but he is very quite about his own feelings and thought with the exception of poetry sort of like I did with playing the guitar, singing and writing songs back on those days. While our youngest is more assertive, but was the hardest to raise, I can see issues of pain and anger that display themselves differently, plus issues from being more enmeshed with his mother for a bit of time that our oldest ever was. However, his enmeshment with his mom was never as bad as it was between me and my mother.


"I think that it is so great that you are seeing a therapist to get help through all those years for know there is tons of other stuff in between that can be pretty nasty, hurtful, scarey and yet there is a lttile good as well." I would hope that after 10 years of therapy which has been quite a journey that I've covered most of this already and I'm exhausted in part from that journey. (BTW, my wife has been in therapy for 14 years.) Had we each been where we are now, more of those chains would have been broken earlier for our children, but as young adults they benefit from where we are now.

My insurance is such that I've been able to see my current therapist weekly since 2005 and that has helped a lot. Sometimes, issues from my childhood would arise during the week and I would write about them in what some people call 'free association' where you just let you mind go and write as feelings, thoughts, and events come back into your memory which meant I knew I needed to see my therapist soon! I've written several poems out of this experience which I can and have made public, but there is one poem about my childhood that will never be public.

All in all, whenever someone finds the story of my life or a part of the story of my life helpful, it tells me that my pain is not wasted.

I'm glad that this thread is helping so many people and I hope everyone has a good day.

While I don't have any real siblings, I do have 3 step-siblings, the youngest of whom lives near my step-dad and once again is dragging his feet about getting his dad's information to the CPA so that my step-dad's and mom's joint tax return can get done during the extension that we filed for. I took on the whole mess of their unfiled, unpaid taxes from 2004 onward on myself back in 2009 and with the help of a new and much better CPA even got the 2010 return in on time. However, this meant paying the taxes out of my mother and my joint account for the CPA wanted to wait until the end to figure how much tax was my step-dad's and how much was my mother's. Turns out, that my step-dad owes my mother over $32,000. He and his son promised to make monthly payments, but I've not seen a dime of it. My step-brother's excuse is that he has to explain this over and over again to his dad, but the check never gets written. He's his dad's POA and could write checks himself, but he is afraid of his dad. My wife thinks he and my step-dad are just glad to have gotten a free ride on past due taxes from my mother and thus have no intention of ever paying her back. I'm leaning very strongly toward having my mother's return filed married but separate.

I hear you, tbailey, brandy and sharyn. Hope everyone has a good day.:)

I do not want to be a critical spirit like my MIL. It is a shame when MIL/FIL won't fully accept those that marry into the family.

Thank God I do not have to take care of MIL. She was a handful and especially didn't like me or my daughter. I am forever grateful she lived 500 miles away.

Oh I think there is alot of us on here I'm taking care of my MIL in our home & Her daughters are nothing but drama.. Even though there mother always did for them her whole life! I think its pretty common on this site & great place to vent about them!!!!!

Welcome and join the club. ; )

Thanks to all for your sharing....It really helps to know I am not the only one dealing with hateful siblings whose priority is everything except Mom.

Gavano, Welcome to the thread, first of all. You came to a real good place!!
Your story is quite dramatic to say the least. It's just so time consuming and draining of good energy when we come up against relatives who engage in this deplorable behavior.

Well, don't allow them to work on your good spirit. You are held in the highest of all our esteems here for doing such selfless acts with the care of your mum, (I know your in the UK). On the legal front, seem to be doing all the proper things.
Well hopefully you have a good lawyer, who will help you in this. If you have the social services who have updated the file, w/respect to awful sister's defamation of your character hopefully things w/settle down for you. Instead of shadow boxing you w/be able to concentrate your energies upon your mum. Does she understand any of what is happening?

t's anybody's guess as to why other siblings go to these lengths to unravel the good work you are doing. We had this happen in our family also, while a
nasty, narcissistic devisive elder reigned terror upon our family until this last Jan. when she died. This was mom's sister, our aunt. Much of the turmoil was her perrsonality, and she was playing the "holding people hostage to her inheritance," card. She too was living at mom's, home. My poor sister had to deal w/her attempts at defaming, and calling Hospice social workers to report my sister and paid caregivers for elder abuse. But it was the other way around.

My sister is in your shoes, being the caregiver living at home w/our mom, and is POA. I by contrast am the visiting caregiver. My sister and me do differ fundamentally speaking, in our views at times. But I try my best to put some of those feelings at bay, when it comes to the bigger picture w/mom.
I admire my sister, and for the person she is and value the things she does for mom. So I want to offer you this kind of energy as a sister girlfriend of sorts from miles away. If I lived in your township, I'd be glad to drop in on your mum and relieve you. Even if I can't, I hope you feel this energy today, from me. Love and Light! Margeaux

Cattails, Congratulations to you, and your gandaughter. These are very special moments for both of you. She sounds like a compassionate person, from what you shared about her. How refreshing to hear that there are still grandchildren, no less, who are good people, and not self centered. If she spent 12 years being raised by you, I'm sure common sense, and compassion rubbed off. The fruits of the love. More Joy to you Cattails! Margeaux

gavanno - that is absolutely dreadful - sibling tattling taken to its worst. Do what you have to do to protect yourself. It does sound like there are some skeletons in the family closet. Kudos to you for doing such a good job for your mum
Hi everyone, hanna, lildeb, cattails, sharyn, cmag, bill, margeaux - everyone - hard catching up on everything. I see some issues with kids, BTDT and fortunately they are pretty sell settled now, I had to form different guidlelines for different kids as their needs, strengths and weaknesses were not the same.They all have partners that they are happy with, and decent responsible lives which as all I ever hoped for, though it was not all smooth sailing in the past.Now watching the grandkids grow up and going through their stuff. I "mother" a nephew, and just started connecting with a cousin's kid -Brilliant young man, but the family history is a mess. Fortunately his dad, my cousin is setttled with a wonderul woman, but there was a time when his mum was pretty unstable. You do what you can do - kudos to you cattails for helping your grandaughter - and what rewards that has brought you, and you also cmag and others for breaking the dysfunctional family cycle. It is something all of us work on.

My crazy weekend if over, and despite a few blips which I just had to swallow, overall it went well. I reconnected with some cousins, got to know their children and their grandchildren a little better. It was great seeing people that I have spent good times with in the past, and share good memories with. It was healing for me to be with all the "normal" nice people we have in the family, and helps to keep things in perspective. My mother did a few of her narcissistic tricks, one of which included not recognizing me at the evening "do" , no she doesn't have Alz or any other dementia, and she has never failed to recognize anyone, and, no, I didn't look different - people who hadn't seem me in years recognized me immediately. It was a message as she was displeased with me over something. Could have been worse. My cousin's son made the toast, and it was hilarious as he would mention something, and she would correct him on a detail - it happened quite a few times, and everyone laughed. Finally he suggested that they should go on the road as a comedy team I think she missed the humour but everyone else got it. have a good day everyone (((((((hugs)))))) Joan

gavano~Wow, what an ordeal for you and mom to go through! I see nothing wrong with you having friends or people from your church community help you. You are only one person trying to do it all and we are not superhuman. I suggest that you not contact your siblings again. All communication should be done through your attorney, including informing your siblings of any changes in your mom's health that you want them to know. These other issues you refer to could be something that goes way back with your family and since you are so much younger than the others, you have no knowledge of it. Some times there are issues that have arisen that family members sweep under the rug. I say this because it happened in my family. I, being the youngest was kept in the dark about some issues regarding my brother when he was a teenager. It most likely could be something that doesn't even involve you, but they are targeting you just the same. Continue to work with your attorney and in the mean time, don't contact your siblings again. I hope you get resolution soon as well as some help from friends/church family. Keep us updated and welcome to our group!!

Bilmo2012, thanks for your input. Unfortunately, my mother never had any siblings and we never really knew my father's side of the family, so there are no relatives to hand except me. When this got nasty last year I tried to contact some of my late dad's family and a cousin on my mother's side but although I received a response, the gap of many, many years in not being involved with someone didn't really lead anywhere.
The two sisters, 16 and 20 years older than me, one here in Scotland, one in USA, caused most of this. My brother, 26 years in USA now, lives in a conveniently straightforward world - he says that I have the power to choose to put our mum in a nursing home if I want, that only I am stopping myself from having more freedom. He did not express outrage either at what our sisters have done, - he lives in the same state as one of them and does not talk to her. Whilst he stays in touch with my mother and I, he has also voiced that he doesn't think I should be involving people outwith myself to be carer! I point out to him that these people are my friends and that is what friends do, especially when all other immediate family REFUSE to give any help at all in practical terms. He has stated that he will not help out in practical terms, that it is my 'call'. With him being in USA for 26 years and his sister there for 40 years (I am 45) AND the one here (she is mid 60s) estranged voluntarily from her mother, the gap in years and distance of miles have done nothing to help this situation, although we all have the same parents. I still see it as no excuse for them offering no help and in the sisters' case, resorting to base lies about myself to authorities, to cover their own refusal to help in anyway, once I started pointing out to them a couple years ago that our mother was getting older and that I am only one of four!
As regards the legal aspect, given that my mum was released into my care after her horrific ordeal last year, the lawyer believes we have a case for action against the social services staff who failed to verify the lies of two sisters before acting as they did; as regards dealing legally with them themselves for slurring my character with lies, we are told that we would need to use a lawyer in USA (TN) to deal with the one there, but the lawyer we have here in Glasgow (SCotland) can deal with the one who lives here, although as she told us, proving slander/defamation is a difficult thing - we are in the process of accessing the social work records to find out the full extent of their lies before the lawyer proceeds. I have decided to 'give it back' via the law to them as what they done was completely uncalled for and affected both my own health and the health of their mother, mid 80s. The sister in USA used what she thought was the distance of miles and difference in legal jurisdiction to write some of the most insane lies - that I had a criminal record, was 'dangerous', had 'multiple personalities' and had been 'diagnosed years ago with schizophrenia'. All of lies, as I easily proved to social services by asking them to access my doctor's records and to make a check on any criminal charges I had (none). The lawyer says it will take time but we may get a result that makes these people realise there is a price to pay for what they did. The hatred I encountered also from the two sisters was beyond reason - the jist of it being that they say they believe I shouldn't have been born! (Yes these are women now in their early and mid 60s, I am 45). And all because I asked them to play a part in looking after their mother. The sister here has the only grandchildren (now in their 30s themselves) to my mother yet they also refused to visit her and the grandson even refused to invite my mum to his wedding. Why I do not know - I feel as if I have been caught up in not just my mum's care, but other issues I do not understand as they never explain their actions. I even wrote to this grandson (my nephew) last year to remind him my mum was still around but the communication was ignored.

Cmagnum, Thanks for allowing us to have the opportunity to read your autobiography. I can relate to a lot of what you mention and especially not having much of a childhood lifestyle. I am so happy that your wife and you are able as well to try and break those chains so that they do not move on to the next family generation cycle. However, we all know we cannot do it all and hopefully your children will eventually be able to break what chains that are left that need to be broken in order to live a happy life style for their children. I think that it is so great that you are seeing a therapist to get help through all those years for know there is tons of other stuff in between that can be pretty nasty, hurtful, scarey and yet there is a lttile good as well. In a way this website is like a therapy place for me sometimes and one day I may still write that book. ; )

hanna36~ Yes home healthcare does run around $20. an hour. They can also do laundry, light house keeping, meals. So they would not just be sitting with him. Another option is if you belong to a church. You can involve church volunteers to come and stay with him. Or call the local county Area on Aging. It is a tough situation and I hate to see you lose your job because you will have to work in the future. Maybe you could go out on stress leave and get disability for 6-8 weeks and use that time to dig into looking for a permanent solution for dad.

Shary, I do not live with either of my parents. My dad is under hospice care so they do provide a visiting nurse and aid to help with bathing. But no service that I have found will just "sit" with him unless paid $20 or more. The fmla is set up that way but due to the fact that I got very sick (from being burnt out they say) this past winter I do not have enough hours worked to qualify.

The crazy part with him is that his gf is a nurse who doesn't work....yet she basically shut down and is useless

hanna36~Are you living with your father and his girlfriend? Who is paying for dad's care? I ask because you may be able to get home healthcare to come in and help a few hours a day at the time it is most helpful to you. I know that parents refuse to have strangers come in the home to help them, but you may have to stand strong on this and tell your father you have to continue to work. Isn't the FMLA set up so you can reapply yearly? If so then reapply. I have found that with my employer, the less I tell them about my mother's situation the better because I don't feel they are very supportive of this type of situation. I know it is difficult, and ailing parents tend not to think about your future in terms of your employment. There is also placing him in a nursing home or respite. My mother will eventually have to be placed because my sis and I have to work also. Good luck and I hope you find some help soon.

Margeaux, my son does work and so does his wife, it's just they are strapped. Part of it is the debut both brought into the marriage. During the year that they lived with us, they paid no rent. Before moving in with us their rent was $550.00 here in Norcal. That is a lot of money they saved and I can't understand why most of their debut was not paid off. DIL has student loans so I understand that will take longer to pay off. I know its hard in the beginning of any marriage managing money for two people and living expenses. DIL's family is to enmeshed with each other in my opinion and here is why: Son and DIL have a family plan with their cell phones. They have included DIL's brother who does give them money for his part of the bill, however, DIL's aunt is also on it and she never gives them money. I don't know why DIL"S mother doesn't have her son on her own cell phone plan. It's things like this that they do for her family that I think they shouldn't because they can't afford it. Since they have moved to SoCal, we haven't given them anything. I want to keep communication open between us because I am concerned that at some point in the future my son may get fed up with her family especially MIL always controlling everything.I see too much enmeshment with DIL's family and I don't think its healthy. You know, they are happy right now and I guess they are not bothered by creditors calling everyday. I know I couldn't live like that but it is their life. Btw, MIL/FIL live next door. I am glad your parents leaned regarding your brother. My sister was the one who always needed financial help from my parents. She got pregnant at 17 to her HS sweetheart got married. They divorced after 6 years because he was a drug addict (he died when he was only 42). She remarried 2 years later to a man 13 years older than she and he physically abused her. They divorced 6 years later. By this time she was on her way to being an alcoholic. She got involved with another man about 11 years older than she. She didn't marry him (she was afraid to marry again) After 15 years of a strange relationship full of drama and him needing so much admiration and attention, he finally told her he was diagnosed with Paranoid Schzophrenic. She was always in need because of bad choices. She has sobered up and has no man in her life which is a blessing. My parents saw her as more responsible than me, Lol!! My sis and I have a great relationship now and while she still views life through rose colored glasses, she knows herself better and isn't an emotional cripple like she was in the past. Dysfunction becomes a legacy and a hard cycle to break. My eldest brother is also an alcoholic, he is the one who has disowned the entire family. My parents were both alcoholics, my dad admitted it and got sober about 12 years before Alzheimer's was diagnosed. My mother...denies she was an alcoholic which isn't surprising, Lol!! She only quit drinking because our family rallied behind dad when he was sobering up and she was the only one still drinking. Yes giving money to our children can become a full time job. Bailing them out of one hardship after another can drain the parents. I was called by a check advance business back in January after my son moved to SoCal. They were behind in the loan payment. I gave them my son's new phone number. I will not enable them. You are a wise lady Margeaux, thank you for responding to my post. We have a great group of people on this thread and I am happy I found it♥! Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

This is about as dysfunctional as it gets.....I have been caring for my mother for 10 years. She has end stage cop as well as fibromyalgia. Her mobility is extremely limited. My father left her when she got sick and moved in with a girlfriend. He and my mother have never divorced.

Now, my father has mesothelioma and his girlfriend and I are his care givers. He cannot be left alone at all and is ALWAYS obsessing about something that is bothering him......this making whatever it is that much worse.

I have three siblings. One is out of state so he can't help. Two are local. One is a drug addict and can't take care of herself let alone anyone else. The other is controlled by her husband so she never helps either.

I also work full time and am at risk for losing my job because I have exhausted my fmla.

I am sooooo tired all the time.

Sharynmarie, How are you?
My parents throughout the years, became wrapped up in many money matters w/my brother I've written about, "Golden Boy," over the years. He always seemed to have some special status. He was given money after high school to supposedly open a studio for photography. He was neither a photographer, nor business man.
All he did was have a studio, and invite his party buddies to hang out there w/women. My parents paid a one year lease on this place, and he never did anything with it. Much later when he married and had his children, my parents again lent him a huge lump sum, so he could rent a tool truck, to see if he could start his own business again. This truck just sat parked in front of his house. This fell through also. As time went on, my dad at least got the picture that Golden Boy, not only was bad w/money, but also took advantage. Dad took measures to not be his open wallet.

Anyway, my point is that I really believe parents must be very careful to whom they plan on giving money to, for how long etc. A gift to someone, well I think that is a different story. If you are saying that your son and DIL are not responsible w/money, and had debt before the marriage, unless they win the lotto, or something of sorts, how will they handle a mortgage, anyway? You have done a lot already, by just having them live in your home since 2009.

I really feel at least in my family w/Golden Boy, and the way my parents unfortunately just gave and gave for awhile, it did not teach him some values about responsibility, and being grateful.

Your son's MIL, sounds like a manipulator. It's just none of her business.
Anyway, please don't feel as if you are unfair, and some manipulator, is trying to push your buttons! Stay strong! Margeaux

I am a carer for my mother in her mid 80s, I am in my mid 40s and youngest of four, by far. We are in Scotland, but two siblings are in USA and have been for decades, one is still here in Scotland, nearby where I live. Being the youngest and at home with my parents for years after the others had left, I hadn't left home for my own independent life until my parents were aged about 70. My mum managed ok even after my dad died 2004 but in the last few years I have been there as the ONLY family member to help her as she gets older. The others, one way or another, would take NO RESPONSIBILITY at all and I mean none. It is what I would call a dysfunctional family (why I don't know) as apart from the two in USA the one here has refused to even visit her mother with no explanation after my dad died in 2004. To cut a long story short, as my mum entered her 80s and had a fall or two, though could still walk, I was at breaking point and one of the siblings, the one who lives nearby, came to 'help'. Within months she was looking for excuses to have no responsibility even though I was living with my mum at that time. Anything would suffice for her - excuses that she couldn't get on with me, etc etc. When in 2009 I had had enough of this completely non-contributing family giving NOTHING,I voiced to them that there were four of us and that we needed to work out how each of us could help my mum as she gets older. The result: two of the siblings, around 20 years older than me and having not seen their mother in many many years, made made malicious and false allegations about me to local social services, everything from physical and finanacial to mental abuse of my mother. To make matters worse they DENIED having done this despite social services and medical records showing it in black and white. At first there lies were not believed, I had to fill in social workers about the family background and they realised after talking to me and to my mother that she had not even had contact with her family for years. As time went on, (being in Britain we have the NHS or National Health Service) social services were happy that I take my own home again and my mum was given 4 times daily homecare visits to help her as she gets older. This was not the end of it - the two sisters mentioned (my mother's daughters) were apparently unhappy that she was having these homehelps, again despite not even visiting her or contributing in any way to her welfare. They were intent that she should be put in a carehome unless I bore all responsibility of care - despite social services being more than happy that I have a life and my mum have her homehelps visit, with me still visiting her and taking her out several times a week. A social worker phoned me about a year and a half ago to tell me that the sister in USA was still writing to them, now complaining that somehow I was 'controlling' my Mum. The social worker again told me that they were now ignoring her. At this point I decided, on the advice of the fourth sibling, a brother in USA who although taking no responsibility, acknowledged the help I wax giving my mum, to change my mum's phone number which she had had for 20 years as the sister in USA who had been writing to social services was phoning her, which calls were doing nothing to add to my mum's peace of mind. Sometimes she would go into her workplace at 7am before any other workers and use their phone to make these calls which essentially were meant to frighten and undermine my mum's confidence. Again she complained to social services that I had now changed the phone number, I had also written to her workplace and apparently she was questioned in some way as regards using their phone etc. A few months went by without event until last year, my mother broke her arm and ended up in hospital and was discharged after 4 days - but in those 4 days, the sister in USA had somehow found out my mum had been hospitalised and went overboard and wrote to hospital social workers this time, a different dept from the others, and included an insane ranting letter stating that I was 'dangerous', that I had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and had refused treatment, that I had threatened her and her sister (the one who lives here in Scotland). We did not know at the time about this letter and calls she was making to hospital social services - but within a day of my mum being discharged for the broken arm, she was suddenly re-admitted, they said they felt they had let her home too soon. I agreed with their decision - THREE AND A HALF MONTHS LATER MY MOTHER WAS STILL DETAINED AGAINST HER WILL in the hospital, with a view to hospital social services attempting to take guardianship of her (despite me having Power of Attorney already!) and have her placed in a carehome. My Mum was told by heartless staff that she would never be returning home and that she could not see me again. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE EFFECT THIS HAD ON A WOMAN IN HER MID 80s? I had been her only family, with her for decades, after the others had left.
We then became aware of the letters she had sent causing all of this as she had insanely sent copies to our brother in USA and he sent them to me. Immediately I contacted social services and showed them that I was immediately able to clear my name - I showed them that I had no criminal record and offered my medical records to them to prove I had no mental illness or schizophrenia etc. With the help of other social workers who had met me the previous year when she had begun to make these allegations, and a retired doctor we knew, the whole thing was proven again to be malicious. WHAT DISTURBS ME IS THAT she was allowed to make these complaints without any real investigation into their truth - I literally had to PROVE my own innocence! I now have the whole matter with a lawyer, despite social services sending me a letter saying that it will be to my and my mother's 'detriment' if we pursue the way they handled it! We do know that now, however, the social work files are updated to make sure she can never do this again.
Since it happened, and my mum again now lives with me, the said sister has sent a letter to our brother in USA claiming again that she wants to know if I am 'anywhere near my (her) mom'. She also says in the letter that she has been diagnosed with a bipolar illness!!
Apart from the extremity of what happened, still I remain the only one of four to be there at all for my mum. Even my brother, over a decade my senior and in USA, does very little - he phones hardly at all, and when he heard that since my mum has moved in with me, and I have my friends helping with her care, that in his opinion I should not 'be putting that sort of responsibility onto other people'. Unbelievable I know. I pointed out to him that friends offer because they see that no other family members seem willing to help in any way. He says he cannot do anything living in USA. I told him that I am NOT here to be the only one helping our mother with no help from anyone else and that if he feels my friends should not be helping then he should be over here. He says if I want my full freedom in life then I must place her in a carehome (which neither I, my mum or my friends or social services expect) - all to ease his guilt, I suppose, at doing NOTHING. He is the only sibling I (or his mum) is now in touch with. I have read some stories on here but feel mine is depressingly extreme, involving people who refuse all responsibility but even then cannot just have the guts to say it as that, instead making up all manner of lies to cover it.

Cattails, Congratulations to you and your granddaughter. I am happy to hear that you are a part of her life and helping with the wedding. It is a special time so enjoy. Yes my son has a lot to learn and I am happy for them because I see the love between them so I guess I shouldn't complain, Lol! We will always be here for him. I too enjoy spending time with him, he reminds me of a puppy dog wagging his tail. I like your posts because you say what needs to be said. Direct and to the point and I appreciate that. I also am glad we have gotten to each other better. Take care and enjoy this day!

Rant away Sharynmarie: I hear you sister loud and clear. The simple truth of the matter is you are right. You are 150% right. My son is now 44 years old and he is making headway. I've come to understand that he will never be like me. He is a good person, but he is a bit self focused. I can't tell you how much I love him and what a delight he is to be with, but he will never manage money or see the importance of that the way I do. Not going to happen. He is my only child, but he has given me one terrific granddaughter. She is more like me. She goes to college, works a lot of hours and pays her way. We help her as much as we can with some of her college costs,. In fact, we practically raised her to the age of 12 years old. She's now 22 years old. Recently she realized that our health care coverage increased by $600.00 per month, so she called me one day and said, "Grandma, I don't need you to pay for by books any more. I'm making enough money now so don't worry. My son, bless him, says he thinks this money responsibility thing must skip a generation.

Here's the good news Sharynmarie; my son has been dating and now living with a very nice woman (his age) who is a nurse and makes really good money. She is very easy going, no flipping drama, doesn't need to be saved and knows what she wants. They get along so well and just seem like a perfect fit. I hesitate to say that, but in fact it's true. So this is a comfort to me in my old age. He's happy, he's got a good job again, he's found someone who makes him happy and it's not about money or possessions. So there is hope.

We put my dad in respite care over Mother's day weekend and I flew to North Dakota to see my granddaughter. I have not been able to visit her for the past 4 years due to my folks needs. She is getting married this August and, yes, we are helping financially with the wedding. I got to be with her for her final wedding dress fitting and do other special wedding things with her. It was very special to me. She's a little young to be getting married, but really she is an old soul at heart and the guy she is marrying is so wonderful. I am very encouraged for their future.

So now I'm babbling on, but I just want you to know that I am behind you all the way. Your son has a lot to learn, but let him learn them. Everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, just don't rescue him. (When I say that, I'm not suggesting that you let him live on the street. You can put a roof over his head, but you don't assume his debts or make it possible for him to incur more debt.) Someday he will be 44, like my son, and he will have experienced many things and be a better person for it.

By the way, I have a great husband too. I'm so glad to be able to get to know you better. Love and Hugs, Cattails

Cattails~I agree. I worry about the marriage based on the fact that my son was raised traditional. I took my children to church but I can honestly say we are not necessarily spiritual or religious. My DIL was raised Jehovah Witness. She does not celebrate Christmas, birthdays, etc. They do celebrate wedding anniversaries and have their version of Easter so my son is sacrificing a large amount for this union. My son is the main wage earner, however their marriage revolves around her. It is the same with her mother's marriage. MIL was a HR director for a chain retail store for 11 years and was fired 2 years ago. MIL published a book of poetry which has not been a big seller. MIL wants to help others who have been abused or have addictions (which I have not issue with that), but she sees herself as someone who is authorized to expose the "THRUTH" to people whether they have asked for her advice/opinion or not. I understand accountability, but I am not a member of her church community and when you live your life dodging creditors calling you daily as she does and her daughter/my son, you lack credibility in my book to go around calling others out on what you see as wrong with their live. Please don't get me wrong, I understand that there are situations that happen where we are not able to pay our bills, but when it is a way of life...there is something wrong there. I know what you are saying completely and you have my support in the way you have handled it since giving your son the money. We gave them a gift card to a nice restaurant for their 1st anniversary. They lost it. The love and care we put into that was lost as well. They did finally find it a year and a half later. So I see that as no respect to us and no regard to how hard we work to earn our money. I don't want to sound materialistic, however, they just don't seem to take anything very seriously in their life. It's basically, Oh well, I don't have the money to pay you right now so you can just wait until I do and because I do eventually pay you, you should be satisfied with that. My husband and I work hard for what we have and we take our credit rating very seriously, but they don't care...they can get what they want by paying higher interest rates. It is no exaggeration that hey are called every day by creditors. I agree with you on this and we have no intentions of helping them get a house until they can pay their phone bill on time. Thank you for letting me rant, LOL!!