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Hello to all. I am usually an "observer" to this site. Having found this topic tonight, I feel compelled to join in after my experience today. I have a 96 year mother with Alz. I also have 3 siblings although you would not have known that for most of the last 20 yrs. Mom lives 2 doors away from me so I have been primary caregiver with health and property POA. This year the money ran out for paying for live-ins at Mom's. The "family" decided that we would try to keep Mom in her home. This requires live-in help so Sib1 and Sib2 each stay 3 1/2 days per week with me overseeing and spelling them. (Sib3 still works and takes care of a disabled wife.)Sib2 is retired and she has helped off and on. Sib1 is on disability from plumbing and he has only started to be a presence in the last 2 yrs. For all intents and purposes he does not know the disease nor does he want to learn. Having a wife who is an RN in children's oncology apparently qualifies him as a valuable player with a valuable resource. I did not realize that I would be walking into a hornet's nest upon entering Mom's house today. Sib1 would not allow me to show him how the ER doc instructed us on dressing Mom's wound (which Sib1 accidentally caused). He took offense at me questioning his "knowledge" which is based on his changing his own wounds in the past. This escalated to a verbal assault that went on for almost one hour. It almost came to a blow except that he "doesn't hit women". What a gentleman. I was told that I hardly did anything because there were paid caregivers there. (I maintained the household, finances, all doctor appts., spelling the caregivers, etc., etc.) Instead of raising my daughter and then caring for Mom I should have gotten a job. (Remember - Mrs.Sib1 is an RN at a hosp.) Then he attacked my marriage using me info I had told him in confidence (stupid me). All the while, the dog cowered at Sib2's feet, Mom distressed in her bedroom, and Sib2 sat silently observing. I tried to fight back but I do not like confrontation. I had to walk out and left the 2 sibs with Mom and I do not want to return. I will not deal with such negative energy, but what do I do about Mom? I have suffered the cumulative effects of years of dealing with Mom and her disease. I have spent days at a time with her and I cannot deal with it one on one like that anymore. That is why the sibs took that job. Now they feel that I am controlling when I tell them what to do. One is pigheaded and the other lazy. So I have to manage them like they are new employees. But not anymore. I want out. I just feel for Mom. When she is distressed she calls me. (Remarkably, she still can dial my phone number.) I am exhausted and sick to my stomach. He should have just punched me. He is a cruel jerk. He must have dealt with sh-t too long in his plumbing days and mistakes me for it. I can't even eat. I came home and have been crying off and on for hours. I hope I can sleep. I dread tomorrow.
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Mom actually like my gifts that I gave her!! She was cheerful, the drapes were open and she seemed like she was when I was a kid. Her clothes were clean and she was nice. This was last week. I let dsyf sister have mom on Mothers Day. So I called mom about 6pm last evening and she said she was home all day and that sis had dropped by for a few min but had not taken her anywhere. I got upset over that. So b/c of stubborn sis, mom had to sit home all alone on Mom's day. Sister has first dibs on mom on all the holidays but won't tell me what is going on. Mom favors sister. I have to guess and mind read on what they are doing. Oh yeah, did I mention that my husband has dementia as well. Fun, huh? Brandy
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Margeaux i agree. She is so distraught no family to help feels guilty.
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Yesterday, my family and I visited my mother in the nursing home. She was the most confused and sleepy that we have ever seen her. She had in her mind that I was now living in the same city with her which has not been true for almost 30 years. She also had in her head that she'd been on a trip that we know she did not take to her home town which she has been talking about more lately. We were not sure that she even knew who we were when we first got in her room. She was not very talkative at all. She would say a few words that were not always a complete sentence and then either close her eyes or stare at the TV, but when we got up to leave for we thought she had fallen asleep, she'd open her eyes and tell us not to leave. My step dad said she is like this sometimes and other days as clear as a bell. From my perspective, this was the worse we had seen her be and could not imagine her being as clear as a bell on some days. I think she is withdrawing because of realizing that she is not going to go home from the nursing home as well as her dementia is increasing. My psychiatrist told me today that dementia is worse on the family members than it is on the person who has it. That's not much consultation. Our youngest son is home from college for a few days before leaving for his summer internship. Our oldest son was not able to find a job for the summer and will live with us doing a whole lot of chores that I'm not up to doing, plus we will have to pay for two months of rent for his apartment where he is in college.
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Hi Bilmo,

How are you feeling today? About 3 yrs. ago, my brother who was at time POA for mother, and her sis, called a meeting. He called my sis, youngest bro, and moi, the eldest in the family. He is 3'd in line, raised "Golden Boy," by my parents and even my aunt because of the gender bias. Golden Boy, was never up front w/us about any of the legalities-parent's assets, etc. He had his hand totally in the pie. This meeting he called was in essence to TRY to get the rest of sibs to sign a Quit Claim Deed for a Joint Tenancy our names appear on my dad left to all of us, including mom. I used to work as a legal secretary, so first of all, the doc he showed us, looked like a total copy, and it could not have been authentic at all. My brother in those days also was so rogue as to how he did anything, especially if it had to do w/moms assets. He gave us some dodgy explanation that they wanted to put this property in a trust. Anyway, I sure did not sign this doc. Later, I tried to talk to other two sibs about it, but my sister decided to be in hurt mode, saying things like, "I can't believe that our bro would do this." Blah, di blah! My youngest bro, didn't seem very bothered by Golden Boy's attempt at doing this. Well, none of us signed it. Later, somewhat later Golden Boy's POA was revoked, and now these two sibs, are in charge; sis being at the helm of it all.
This happened upon our mom being diagnosed w/ALZ.
That was plenty, for my head already. But I remember, having feelings of rage w/this brother. Way before this, he never inspired much confidence in me anyway, but this was it. Even my attempt to at least have a conversation w/other sibs, fell on deaf ears, DENIAL!
Here I felt that he was ready to have us possibly sign away our rights, for something our dad left us.

Anyway, I really feel that in these situations one is entitled to feel some kind of anger and rage. I felt toward this brother, also at my other sib's reaction. Just as a protection for yourself, try to maybe find an outlet for some of this, such as walking. But really, even coming here and writing about this does a lot, I know it has for me. BTW, Golden Boy has never to date recognized any of what he did via an apology. All right Bilmo, hang in there! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie, I remember that thread Emjo is talking about. I posted about our narcissistic aunt. She's the one who was living w/mom and my sister til Jan. when she died. She gave my sister and all of us so much grief, that at least I can say she should have been placed in a NH. In hindsight, I think my sister would have tackled that situation very differently, and would have washed her hands of that responsibility with our aunt. I do not think it is selfish at all. What we must remember also, is that some caregivers are really dealing with immobile elderly,
and who knows what else. Some have jobs, and others are also in their own third age, possibly w/own health concerns. So it's normal for people to get burn out. Each and every situation, is so unique. Maybe your friend has neither physical, nor moral support. Margeux
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Hi all,
Been reading your most recent posts. Bilmo and Emjo, I am with you on the ugliness of the siblings that cause us trouble and weigh us down. My rage and hatred has subsided into disappointment and the gall of it all. I have one sib who has all but disappeared from the face of the earth. He's the "out of sight, out of mind" kind. Other sib is a real trouble maker. Neither one has done a thing or lifted a finger in three years, five surgeries with Mom, housing issues, neither parent drives, incontinence, and I can't even go on. Asked both sibs for help in October 2010, both said no. Sister said can't help you if she don't have access to their money. Brother just said "No way." Soooo much dysfunction and I thought we had a pretty good childhood. Anyway, sister is bipolar but refuses to address her own mental issues. She's a disaster.

I too, am going through the Trust thing. However, (and you'll love this), my parents are both still alive!!! We need to break the trust so my mother has money to live on. They didn't plan at for their future in anyway. My Dad is in a NH and Medicaid pending. So in this process, my mother wants to give each of (three kids) a share, each one the same amount. That's fine. It was all written out by my mother's lawyer. Even though neither sib has does anything to help me OR their own parents, I'm ok with them getting a share because I just want this whole nightmare to be over with. But my sister gets her own lawyer because she thinks I've been spending my mother's money. She thinks that because before my parents moved, I found their checkbook register that showed they had been writing checks to her for years because she can't manage her own life. She's 51 and blames everyone for her life. When my parents came to live near me, that all stopped. So she's pissed I took away her gravy train. Too bad....grow up. I told her I'd tell her anything she wanted to know, but she hasn't called me or spoken to me in because that would be dealing with reality which isn't something she can do in any aspect of her life. She actually got a lawyer. And she has no money to pay a lawyer so she'll probably ask my mother for that too!! My mother is so pissed. To wrap it up, it took quite a while for the rage and hatred thing to subsided into complete dissapoinment. It never goes away but it does subside.

Luv to all,

-SS
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(((((bill))))) Your statement about your mum warms my heart. Mine is special too, but in a different way ;) I have had a lifetime of a dysfunctional sib (and that not just my opinion, but from professionals that I have seen - not she, of course, because she is perfect! Hmmm, guess I have a little anger in there still - got to work on that).. I understand about being worn out from being mad. Some of the anger may be a grief reaction from losing your mum. It sounds like you lost a lot when she passed, and anger is a normal part of grieving, and grieving takes time. It is always a good time to act like a human; however, some do not have much capacity for that. You are the best judge as to whether or not your sibs have that capacity. It is only recently, despite much evidence over the years, that I have come to accept how my sib is. I hesitate to call her a sister because that implies a certain relationship that is not possible between us. I have come to the decision that family includes the circle of friends you gather around you, with whom you are mutually supportive. Anyone who does not fit the criteria, is not family in the true sense, in my mind, though I may be related to them by blood.
Picking up your life after years of caregiving is not easy. You never go back to who you were. Such an experience is life changing. You are not the same person you were, and have to, in a sense, recreate yourself. This is not necessarily a bad thing, though it is not an easy process. You may be grieving the loss of the person you were, too. Like the phoenix you are rising out of the ashes, having been reborn. "Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." - Christina Baldwin
Let the sibs fall where they may. You don't need albatrosses around your neck for the rest of your life. My view anyway. Breathe deep and have a great day - do something good for you - Joan
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How sad, sharyn. Caregiving is difficult, even under good circumstances, I think. Then if some of the difficulties that are mentioned here are included in the mix, it can be come impossible. There are other resources around. As long as the "caregivee's" needs are being met, I don't see a problem,.If you speak to your friend again, please give her my thumbs up to look after herself. To me there is no logic in terms of society (and other terms) for a younger person to ruin their health (mental or physical) caring for an older person. We all would like the perfect old age, where we sink into the coming night surrounded by loving family.. I would have liked the perfect chldhood, the perfect marriage, the perfect educational experience,. the perfect job... In many cases it is not realistic, so we do the best we can with what we have. (((((hugs))))
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Thank you Joan~ I agree. Caregiving is difficult and not for everyone. I saw the post you are referring to. This is someone I know personally, I ran into her earlier today. It was a most sad visit and broke my heart seeing her pain.
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sharyn, I don't think it is. There are is many individual factors in any situation. There was a gal who posted on AC about that, and I think she has worked it out. I stll have given myself permission to recommend someone else for POA for mother, if I could find a suitable person, or let it fall to my sister who is my back up, if I don't mind the money all disappearing her way. If it is too hard on the caregiver, then I think they have to look after themselves. They are not the only resource.
bill - I am glad for you your mum was nice. You are fortunate, indeed. You will survive the sibs. For me there came a point when money is just that, and, I will not let it drag me down. Fair has nothing to do with it.
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I know someone who wants to walk away from caregiving? Is this selfish of them to admit it is not for them?
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Hi Bilmo,

I want to offer my condolences for the passing of your mom. Ah yes, now we must deal with all the other members of the family! Your feelings are completely normal for a gathering as such. You humor is great! I use humor all of the time to get me throu tough situations, or at least lighten them. You are certainly not alone with respect to dysfunction, and the dreaded anxiety it can trigger. I had some of this last week, also on account of a family gathering, I attended this last weekend. I'll write about this tomorrow, though. But meanwhile, hang in there! Margeaux
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Hi Everyone,

I would like to wish everyone a very happy Mother's Day! I hope all of you, are enjoying it, by doing at least a little something you like, whether that's a bubble bath, eating a hunk of good chocolate, anything! Love and Light! Margeaux
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bill - my father went 30 years ago. I figured after that I had no family, family burdens, yes, but no family. I like your sense of humour, and your "take" on things.

. (((((austin))))) Pitting one against another - oh yes! My mother and my sister use each other against me -has always been so. The eternal triangle - use one to hurt the third. Good for you for calling. I sent an ecard. You are right we are not promised a tomorrow. So glad you have a great church family. God provides.
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Emjo you are right we have to lower our expectations it is what it is-my Mother's thing seems to be to pit us sibs against each other-I called her to wish her a happy Mother's day but it was hard but kept it short-I do not think my brothers will keep in touch if she dies before we do-you never know-we are not promised a tomarrow that is how I try to live my life-I have a great church family and that is a blessing
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I am sorry, I see from reading other threads that your mum has passed. My condolences. I am with you on wanting to cut contact with my sibling once mother has gone, and the financial dust has settled. What do I expect from my sib - the worst, and nothing less. then I am prepared.
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Not callous at all. He has had excellent innings (cricket reference, I know - my Uncle Bert took me to a cricket game when I was over there). My mother seems to enjoy her suffering to the fullest. Everything is a battle for her. Is your mum ready to go? I do think that readiness can factor in there to some extent - sometimes (and that is about as vague as one can get, I know). Re the May Madness, i decided that I was giving them too much power over me, Has my sister behaved atrociously? Yes, and I expect that will continue. I have no control over her, or anyone else. I am only responsible for me, I have found that I had to accept the realities of my family, and grieve the lack of support and healthy relationship, (it ain't gonna happen) , before I could move on. If you lower your expectations of them, you get hurt less. It is a bit of a pill to swallow to accept that you share genes with people who behave as they do, but once you get thankful that you aren't like them, it gets easier. Note - I didn't say easy.
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Humor does help, and if it only helps you (which is not the case) that is fine -something to add to my list. Chinese firedrill - that gave me a laugh and I don't think anyone would perceive it as a racial slur. My own week is becoming more and more complicated as I just had a call that sig other's dad is in hospital at death's door, so as well as a family reunion, and Mother's 100th, a funeral may be thrown into the mix by next weekend. I was looking forward.to a leisurely week of preparing myself for our family's version of a Chinese firedrill. I call it May Madness. Mother will not like being upstaged, and there is only one way she can ramp up her position, but I don't think she wants to do that. ;) Do tell us details. It will be a good distraction.for me. :)
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Thanks and Happy Mother's Day to all.Do something good for you today.
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Happy Mother's Day to all!
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Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful ladies! The job you do as caregiver is the hardest job of all and all of you are loving, caring daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc. I hope that everyone gets time on this day to spend for yourselves. Love and hugs to everyone!!
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Hi bill - welcome to the thread. I like your honesty. :) I can identify. We have mother's 100th b'day celebrations on May 20th, and I feel my stress levels rising, and my one sib is a major reason for that. The meeting you are going to sounds much worse than a family reunion/birthday celebration. The time comes when our reactions to our situations need to come to the fore, and we need to deal with our emotions, for our own sakes. It sounds to me like you are there. My big event starts Saturday too, so what can we do to help ourselves get through this next week. Let's leave the fall-out from next weekend for later. One day at a time. Venting is good. It helps. Being with people who prop me up helps me, not necessarily talking about the "stuff", but just being with friends, and having some distractions,. When I have felt as bad as you sound, I have gone for counselling. Exercising (walking for me) helps to wear off some of that negative energy. The stress can affect your physical health too. Are they worth it?
Hope you come back and tell us more about you and your situation. Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs in this world, and there are lots here with much experience.
(((((((hugs)))))
Joan
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bilmo I am so sorry -try to not get so upset just ignor those people-maybe you have someone who can be there with you to support you-I hope so. Tell us more and maybe we can help you cope.
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Margeaux~Thank you for your support. Yes, it was a stressful night. When I get emotionally stress, then my stomach (acid reflux) flares up. Things are calming down now. Mom is more lucid than she was on Thursday which is good. We have told her the dr. doesn't want her driving right now and she is cooperating but her suspicious radar antenna is up. She is asking whether the dr. is trying to take away her license. My sis was a real trooper through all this since she handled most of it this time. Usually I deal with most of it myself. We are a good team where she is the good cop and I am the bad cop. I am the one who will get tough with the drs. Sis's low blood pressure (94/68) causes her to become lightheaded, weak and fatigued easily. Today is my day to care for mom, I will be taking her out to the grocery store soon. Love and hugs to you!
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Sharynmarie, how are you doing? I read your post about the trip you took to the emergency with your mom. This must have been really stressful for you. When I read the part about you struggling with her, then having the moment of feeling bad for her the next day, made me think of this double edged sword many caregivers go through when they are having to jump through the legal hoops, not to mention the everyday challenges. Crying is good too. It's a total release of tension, hopefully it has helped you to sleep also.
O.K., Sharynmarie, your on it w/the legal matters, it will be resolved because you are giving it the proper energy. Meanwhile, I will be thinking about you and your mom. You are a wonderful daughter to her! Love and tons of light! Margeaux
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Happy Mother's Day to everyone. Health issues do seem to explode along with the stress. Pineapple, yes I noticed the MSW--I'm an MFT and yet these family issues hit hard regardless don't they? Family members can certainly be a awful teacher in life. sharyn I hope you are able to get your mother in to see the neuro right away. I had a similar situation with my dad while he was dying from cancer--we had to scramble to get control over his finances and health decisions. Sending out hugs to all of you.
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thanks sharyn - my health issues "exploded" when I first moved mother into an ALF. I do believe that there is a connection, I developed systemic (invasive)candidiasis which has a 45% mortality rate. Fortunately, it didn't get worse than it was, but I am having a heck of a time getting rid of it. This is not helped by doctors who know very little about it. I have virtually a lifetime of antibiotic use behind me which is one major causative factor (due to allergies followed by infections), but have found another way of dealing with these, as well as avoiding the allergy triggers as much as possible. For peace of mind and stress reduction (stress is another major causative factor), I have to cut off contact with mother periodically, as, even though I have a degree of detachment, her antics still cause me some stress - all the childhood buttons I guess. Hence, I caution others to look after their health. There are consequences to dealing with family members with personality disorders, to being a child of a narcissistic parent. and you have to develop somewhat unusual means of protecting yourself. I have been pretty healthy all my life and was more able to tolerate the stress up to my 60s, but have found in my 70s it has more of a physical impact on me. Most caregivers here are younger than me - 40s to 60s. Parents are living longer, so more will find themselves being caregivers when they themselves are seniors. This brings additional complications. Any prayers, positive thoughts are most appreciated.
Pineapple, what a blessing in your situation that you have this knowledge. Have you decided on a course of action? Sibs can be the biggest problem, Mine is probably worse than my mother, and would take me to court in a minute if she thought she could get anything out of it. I found out recently from her estranged son, who she has disinherited, that she has been obsessed for years with her potential inheritance from mother, and hoping to get it all. I was written out fo mother's will at one point, but she (mother) has reversed that. Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
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Anyone who is interested in learning more about geriatric care managers, you can look it up on this site. There are several good articles about what they do and finding one near you.
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whope- my sibs forced me to learn a lot more than I wanted to know. :) also the MSW stands for Master of Social Work so got the basics anyway. Good luck!
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