Follow
Share
Read More

34K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1116 1117 1118 1119 1120
Joan~ I did not know you were having health issues regarding yourself. I am happy your new dr. is running tests and I will keep you in my thoughts for answers and results. I know what you mean about people with personality disorders being their own worst enemies. It is a shame that they make life so difficult for themselves and everyone around them. You have such a great attitude and have distanced yourself enough so that you don't get caught up in the drama they unnecessarily create. Take care and I hope you get some satisfaction with the new dr.♥!
(1)
Report
Vhope00 and Pineapple, we do have a DPOA...but we can not use it without a diagnoses from a neurologist and the DPOA only gives of financial control. We spoke with an attorney last week. He told us that we cannot force her to do anything physically against her will without a conservatorship because it violates her civil rights. This is why we can't force her to see an neurologist, place her in a NH or have home healthcare. I truly believe that APS will agree she should be seen by a neurologist. It is not the way that we want to pursue the situation but we have very well have to. Mom's cognitive awareness today is very decline. It was late when the hospital gave her the sedative so it may be still in her system, or it could be from the trauma yesterday that the Alzheimer's has progressed to the next level. If she does not perk up by tomorrow, we will know she has progressed which means we are going to have to act quickly to get home healthcare to come in to assist her for 4 hours a day. My sis and I could actually discuss her situation with her sitting at the kitchen table with us, she could not follow our conversation, very big decline and very scary!! If she continues to be the way she is now, we will probably be able to make an appt. with a neuologist and she won't understand. She is not taking any medication that would cause her decline, only an antibiotic. It broke my heart to see her like this today. She reminded so much of my dad when he had Alzheimer's and he would sit with us while we all were in a conversation. He would pick up the newspaper, an advertisement, anything he could get his hands on and read it out loud because he couldn't follow the conversation going on around him. My mother has a living trust, no one can take her house. Her attorney saw to that when he wrote up the living trust. My mom does have long term health insurance that will pay for a NH, when that runs out, her other financial matters come into play. Thank you for that information it is very helpful to know. I have a feeling that we may be able to get her in to a neurologist since her situation is showing a marked decline. Love and hugs to all!! Please take time this Mother's Day weekend for some much needed down time for yourselves♥/
(0)
Report
Happy Mothers Day to all
sharyn I aked about you on another thread, It all seems to get more complicated for you by the minute. They are their own worst enemies, but blame everyone else. It is so frustrating and draining. My mother has now decided she has to move - to another city to be near a "friend" who is barely an acquaintance. I will not help her do this, as I believe she is as well off as she can be where she is. It is the old geographical change routine. She will not be happy anywhere for long, and moving takes up resources. I have had to change doctors, as my gut infection is not improving any more, and if it flares up again that is serious. I felt my old doctor was humoring me. I see already my new one has made a mistake on the requistion for tests, so I will have to go back to him today and get that corrected. We don't have great choices here, but at least he is ordering tests. What a balancing act we all are going through
pineapple that sounds like a nightmare.
vhope sounds like you are stepping back and taking a breath. We all need to hugs to all
Joan
(1)
Report
My brother and I have both fors of the POA and so far it's worked well. Pineapply you have so much knowledge about this stuff...scary stuff about what APS can do...
(0)
Report
sharynmarie - you do not have to involved APS and in my opinion that can be a nightmare. Try for a power of attorney first. If you or your sister have a health care power of attorney, you can make decisions in your mother is not able to. That is least invasive power. Also an attorney can do the conservatorship instead of APS. I would not be comfortable turning over all the choices about my mother's well being to a government agency together with all the conseuqneces (potential consequences). I do not know if you know but if your mother owns a home and APS determines she must go to out of home placement, they take the house. The state has right to sell the house (it might not be until her death but also can depend on if others live in the house when) to recover costs from what they pay for her treatment in out of home placement. It's a federal law.
(1)
Report
Sharnmarie, my heart goes out to you. It is terribly hard when the parent fights against something that is actually helpful. Crying is a great thing to do and you were successful in getting her help. Will APS help you get a conservatorship? It's a new day and something I try so hard to hold on to is "this will pass".
(1)
Report
Hello everyone, it has been relatively quiet on the mom front until yesterday. My sis took mom to the dr.for a procedure done in the office. Sinuplasty~not going to go into detail about what it is but they do pack the nose afterwards. The packing was to stay in until mom's appt. with dr. this morning. Mom told my sis she was going to the bathroom and she pulled all the packing out. It resulted in her nose bleeding which is what the dr. said would happen. Was at emergency until 10:30 last night at which time they finally admitted her for the night because she would stop picking at her nose. It was still bleeding when I left. The sedated her and put these gloves on her hands so she wouldn't pick at her nose. It was so stressful because mom refused to listen to me and my sister. She refused to be admitted, refused to be sedated and without a conservatorship our hands were tied!!The emergency room dr. said we can't violate her rights by forcing her to do something against her will. I told him we are not trying to violate her rights, but at the same time you are witnessing her agitation, confusion and refusal for healthcare that is needed so how are we supposed to help her make the right decisions when she refuses to see a neuologist to be diagnosed? We don't want to have to bring in APS but she leaves us no choice. The dr. said we will have to do that. Once her dr. agreed to admit her, mom settled down rather quickly. It was a mess to deal with and I don't want to go through something like this with mom again. She is going to fight us on everything because she has to be right. I feel bad for my mom but why does she have to make everything so damn difficult!! I finally lost control because of the stress and had a good cry over it all, I guess I needed it.

Hang in there Pineapple, I hope all settles down for you soon. I hope everyone else on this thread gets some peace and rest regarding your situations, we sure need it!!
(1)
Report
Margequx, To clarify....my brother did not have a power of attorney. It had been revoked, but he usedit anyway. We know he made changes to many accounts and in essence stole a substantial amount of money. Because he stole it (and I did not know about the accounts even existing at the time), it was not Mom's. (Still is not at this point.) It is substantial enough that if Mom had had the money she would not have qualified for a VA Pension. She has been receiving the pension for about 2 1/2 years now. Now, if VA knew the money was MOm's, but not reported, she would not qualify for the pension and it would have to be paid back. But since my brother took it, he had it and it was not reported. (So all was done exactly as it should have been done and Mom qualified.) Now that I have discovered the theft (but do not have all the proof), I am thinking telling VA abou thte situation as they have the muscle to get all the proof, and then they would be able to recover Mom's money and theirs. It's complex. But trying to decide if it would make my life better or worse where VA issues are concerned. :)
(1)
Report
Pinapple, I do not understand how all of the bureaucracy works when it comes to people's benefits. However, you're doing the right thing. I'm sure when you star the process you'll have more information to sift through this.

In our family, when my sister was the re-appointed POA after our brother messed it all up, our mother's, aunt's (her sister) financial matters were in bad shape. This event happened about 4 yrs., ago and my sister was telling me that to date, she's still unscrambling this mess. There was one issue in particular where our aunt, made my sister recently believe she was no longer POA, for her. So when my sis tried communicating w/aunt's attorney, they wouldn't return calls. Finally my sister found this out on her own from that very attorney. But she was trying to address some problem about a change of title, on a property owned by aunt, which had been re-assessed. This meant taxes went up. Attorney's mistake. My sister and the other brother (nice one) who's next in line as POA, haven't pursued this error?? by that attorney, yet. I'm not at all in this mix, but I've been thinking that if they don't pursue it, that isn't good on a lot of levels. I'm a firm believer, that we shouldn't allow people to rip off our elders, or jerk them around.

You'll do well, and I'll be thinking of you! Stay strong! Margeaux
(2)
Report
Info / update..... Mom has been receiving a VA Pension that she would not have been eligible for if the money had not been stolen. (A cousin that is helping me with this and I figured out that it is substantially more than what we first thought - potentially closer to $1M.) Anyway, as soon as I get a bit more documentation (proof) which should be next week, I am going to ask VA about helping with this. They would have $$$ to recover. I have a contact person that is high enough up their food chain to be able to know what to do and how to go about this. What do you all think about that approach?
(0)
Report
Hi June, yes we are around the same age. I will be 75 this summer - thinking about starting a blog about turning 75 - Necklaces, Blue Nail Polish and a Hearing Aid - LOL. I figure if I have made it this far, anything goes!!! I have come off antidepressants - speaking up more about what bothers me, and refusing family abuse helped as well as sig other's support. I still have a chronic infection that I am dealing with, and need to change doctors and get a referral to a specialist. You are right that Margeaux's niece could pull her weight, considering she gets so much done for her. One thing I have found is that if you make yourself available to do things, no one else will step up.

Hi and hugs to everyone - Joan
(0)
Report
Margeaux since your sister does not seem able to set boundaries for this kid-I would just say what I want to her like mind your own business and learn how to talk to your elders and you make me not to want to come over to help your mother and why do you not help your Mom instead of sleeping all day and going out every night-someone needs to tell this kid some social skills. Joan it is so good to see you back here-we are about the same age-I miss your postings and hope you are feeling ok.
(0)
Report
Thank for the hugs. I am doing OK. The big family reunion./mother's 100th birthday celebration is coming up, This is not bringing out the best in everyone. Family dynamics can be strange. I know once mother passes, things will change, and I suspect my sis will be more interested in a relationship with me, but it willl be no more positive than it ever has been, and it may be worse. It is not unusual for one to step into the shoes of another. I don't need that. Things change but do not necessarily improve. As always - look after you! Let us know if you manage to "clear the air:"
(0)
Report
Emjo, how are you? Yes, I had noticed you hadn't posted here for awhile, we miss you. Yes, this is the only bedroom on the ground floor, and I do/did end up sleeping in an adjacent living room, on sofa. Boy did my back feel wonderful, when I returned back home, had to resort to the Aleve! HAAH! Yes, it is creepy, and especially because she was creepy, sorry but that's the truth! Thanks for the suggestions, and no, I've been wanting to really burn some sage, but for I'm aware that sis, & even mom don't like the fragrance. I think my sister also thinks I'm on the superstitious side because of my belief system.

Oh yes!! I am doing the boundary thing with all of them over there. I mean, if my sister wants me to keep coming in relief for her mode, the very least I hope for is that I don't have to go to that address as I once did while our aunt was there. But isn't it interesting in our families, while we think that once one of them is no longer w/us, things are going to get more calm and positive. Now that she's gone, this niece seems to have taken center stage over there. Well, even as a small kid, I already saw some big red flags w/this one, too! O.K., I'm going to try the oil. Glad to hear from you! Hugs! Margeaux
(0)
Report
Hi all
Haven't been on this thread for a while, but read it daily. You all are doing so well.
Izzie - how are you doing? You made a good decision to place your mum with your sis when you had to take your son to hospital. How is he?
Banshee -miss you and wondering how u r.
austin, cmag, burned, many others - thinking of you
It seems so much of this is setting boundaries - we can only change our own behaviour, not anyone else's.
I get a little nervous around mothers who give their all to a child. i don't think it is healthy for either of them. Marg, all you can do is set your boundaries. I agree this niece looks like she is spoiled and has few social graces.You are not obliged to give her any information. As far as adjusting to the "atmosphere", is there another room you could sleep in? I think I would find that a bit creepy. I gather it is your mum's bedroom, so you really can't change anything in it very much. As a Christian, I would go through the house, pray and anoint door jambs etc with oil. That might seem a bit far out to some, but I have found it has good results.
The effect of growing up in a dysfunctional family is great. At 74, I am still having new insights, leanring about things, and resetting my boundaries.

Have a good day everyone
Joan
(0)
Report
There is a very ungrateful grand daughter, and niece to me, currently living at our mom's with my sister. She is 22 yrs. old. This is my sister's youngest daughter, and she is very spoiled. My sister is paying her car payment for her. The girl, goes to a community college. She doesn't work, never has up to now as far as I know, not even a part time job. She is very rude also. Usually when I go to mom's, if she is there, she manages to sneak out the door while I'm in the bedroom w/mom. One day my husband and me were there for a visit, sitting on the couch w/mom and the caregiver. She pranced down the stairway, and gave us a wave and left. My sister hasn't taught her daughter some important social skills.

The other day, when I went to sit mom, I did see her car in the driveway. It was four o'clock in the afternoon. Then about 6:00, I decided to go upstairs just to see if she was there. Well, her bedroom door was open, and I could see her foot on the bed; she was sleeping. She sleeps all day, but oh boy, she comes alive at night. Sure enough, I heard the front door slam about an hour later, and she never came to say hello.

So the next day, my sister returned early in the a.m. We were done w/breakfast, and my niece came downstairs, again not really saying hello. I had to initiate it.
Now because of her obvious attitude w/me, I by no means go out of my way.
She then turned into this 12 yr. old, telling my sister that she was starving. So my sister jumped right to it, and started to ask her what she wanted to eat. My sister just caters so much to her, and I know that she doesn't so much as help my sister, when needed w/mom. I was getting ready to leave, and niece starts to give me the third degree about an ex-negative friend from my past. She asked something like, "what ever happened to Lila"? To which I responded, something like she's part of my past. Niece, continued to prod, "yeah but, what happened, did you guys have a fight, what was it about." I couldn't believe the audacious tone coming from her. She said this in front of my sister. I of course, gave her a very general answer. So you see, how rough around the edges this niece is? My sister hasn't instilled even, what we were taught, not to ask people way older than you intrusive questions. The thing that really gets under my skin, is she says things like this in front of her mom, and my sister doesn't at all tell her, anything. Can anyone give me some insight here? These are some of the things also about going over there at my mom's that I don't like to have to come up against. Interesting, how some .....now I'm going to be not so nice, "PUNK," can't say hello, but thinks she is privy to info. about my business. It's very difficult to say anything to my sister about her daughter. It's the kind of situation in which a parent w/always diffuse, make explanations, etc. So I'm w/any of you who are concerned about grandkids and the like who just take up space. Margeaux
(0)
Report
Good Morning Friends,

You can tell I've haven't had my second cup of Joe, since I didn't sign the post about clearing energy. That was moi! Margeaux
(0)
Report
I just spent the night at mom's to relieve my sister.
Mom has a big two story home. Her bedroom is downstairs.
My sister who lives there sleeps upstairs. So she pays caregivers to sleep w/mom since she'd like to prevent any falls if mom has to get up to use the bathroom during the night. Mom has had a few falls the past few years. My sister has this arrangement in place, as she works a 40 hr. job on top of living there w/our mother.

Mom's narcissistic sister just passed away three mos. ago, in the bedroom she shared w/mom. She did Hospice there. Each time I go over there, I can really feel my aunt's energy in that household. So it makes it so difficult for me to get any sleep, no less in that bedroom. My sister doesn't feel any of this, but possibly since she's the one living there. Has anyone dealt w/something similar? I'd like to do some energy clearing, as I feel very drained after I've spent the night there.
(0)
Report
Got info from the attorney (it is actual the disciplinary committee as i had filed a complaint against the atty that would not give me information). It was not what was promised. I am filing an appeal of their decision. Mailing it today. I had already started the appeal, and they asked me to try again with the disciplinary administrator first. The administrator is now denying everything he said to me about what I would get. It's a major mess. I can file with the court, but trying to avoid that as that requires $$ and the process I am in now does not.
(1)
Report
Pineapple, this is special cherishing these moments w/your mom. What is it about these selfish siblings and grandchildren that don't get this concept? So what that they feel grandma isn't going to recognize them. It counts tons just the fact that they are there. But you know it speaks mountains about them. It's unfortunate, that parents many times do not teach their kids how to treat their elders, with some kind of love and respect!

In our family also, we have a brother who caused many problems behind the POA, which he used to be. He was demoted though because he wasn't up to the job, so now my sister is in charge. Of course there was fall out behind this change, as I'm sure there always occurs in families. The rest of the siblings though never put any bad vibes out to this brother though, and always left it up to him, to continue any contact w/our mom. So really, that's all anyone can do, and if it makes mom happy, well that's the first and foremost reason for any of this to happen. At least there are still some people with a moral compass in the universe. Love & lots of light! Margeaux
(0)
Report
I feel for you all I love this site I love knowing I have people who are here to let me vent & have alot of same problems wow so many sibling that could care less. And as the caregivers I love how when they do show up They get to sit & visit like there here visiting a hospital & you are the employee taking care of there mother.. God Bless you all & Thank you all ... I dont Know what I would have did if I never found this site. so many helpful good people.
(0)
Report
Stay aware of your mom's progression and be sensitive to her needs, but you do not have to rush. Start slow, but stay on goal to get him to see your mom - for both of them hopefully.
(0)
Report
Positive thoughts from your meeting with the attorney. Money just seems to make some people lose their minds (no pun intended). It just makes a hard situation even more difficult. Thanks for the suggestions re my brother...it seems I immediately felt this urgency to make it happen right away without allowing enough time improve the communication and explain about mom's health.
(0)
Report
Pineapple: How many people can say what you said, "I am cherishing every moment I have with mom, despite her advanced dementia." I'm sorry about trying to take care of your home while living in your mom's. I'm sure your finances are spread really thin. And it's the usual crying shame that your sibs have been part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Your mom is lucky that your shell didn't crack before your were born. You came out whole and you will end that way too. Of course that MSW helps you grow, but it's still not bullet proof protection from personal loss and anguish due to difficult siblings. What matters most is to love and be loved. You have that and so does your mom.

vhope: Try to track down your long lost brother. You are doing this for your mom, to honor a wish that most mothers would have. Maybe your other brother can help with the search. The goal would be for her to see him. As hard as it may be, if you find him don't put any judgment on him. Just open the door and invite him in.
Understand I am not saying you need to tolerate bad behavior, but if you are welcoming and kind hopefully his behavior will be acceptable and your mom will be happy. You don't have to house him, support him, indulge him or forgive him, just welcome him during this time and be grateful that you can give your mom such an amazing gift. Having said all that, you know more than I, so I will leave it to your wisdom.

Good night and blessing to everyone. Cattails.
(1)
Report
Burned~I hope things settle down for you soon and now that you have your friend with you for support, you will feel a lift in your spirits. You are dealing with a tough situation raising two small children and caregiving for your husband. Stay strong and let us know how things are going.
(0)
Report
I live at Mom's house with her, which is why I am having so many problems with maintenance on mine. I have invited my sibs to birthdays and other things I have done for Mom. They do not come and for the most part, do not even respond.

Since posting I got email from an attorney and might get some answers this week. I am bracing myself for major issues when we lose Mom. I won't go into details, but they put Mom through living hell when Dad died. But I was able to get all resolved and keep Mom in her home where she wants to be.

Have you tried telling your mom you are trying to find your brother, but not sure where he is - or something like that which is true and letting her know you are trying. Maybe make contact and let him know about how she is doing without asking him to visit until you build a bit more communication. It's hard, but he is her son. I am protective of my mother also. Maybe get someone else to be part of the visit - i.e. social worker from hospice (if you have hospice) or someone like that who can help set boundaries and deal with the hard parts so you do not have to do it.
(1)
Report
I think you just said perhaps the most important thing...that you love being with your mom and can enjoy her. However, I understand the sibs stuff is terribly difficult. My heart goes out to you re financial problems. Does your mom live with you or independently? I am sort of facing a dilemma with my oldest brother who has no contact with my mom and she has just started mentioning wanting to speak with him. I feel so protective about her that I am hesitant to even begin to look for him and explain to him about her condition. My expectations are low for him while for my mother--I know it would make her happy to see her son again. I'm trying to just focus on the support I do have from my other brother and husband. I often think that children who are distant from their parents will regret their decisions and they will have missed something special--perhaps painful and sad but still special as in between those moments can be something so sweet and deeply filled with love.
(0)
Report
I am cherishing every moment I have with Mom despite her advanced dementia. She is wonderful, sweet, and still daily tells me thank you and she loves me.

I have been doing this for 4 years. I have 2 sisters, 1 brother, 2 bil, 2 sil (another brother is deceased). There are 9 grandchildren (youngest is 17), several spouses of those, and 6 or 7 great - grandchildren. None of them visit Mom at all. I have managed to get my sisters to see Mom briefly a few times. But in 4 years all combined they have spent less than 4 hours with her.

I own a house that I have substantial problems maintaining it and my mother's home. I got a notice from the city (which is about to be totally resolved). However, when it was published in a newspaper as required by city ordinance. One of my adult nieces sent out a mass email / text messages to her friends and family laughing about my situation. Never occurs to them to offer to help.

I just posted on financial matters that my brother (circumstantial at this point) appears to have abused a power of attorney that had been revoked. He used it to make changes to financial accounts - long story - but when Dad still trusted them (and I lived out of state) they rearranged accounts because they were considering putting Mom in out of home care and they had to put assets so that she would be impoverished spouse. They were to be returned to my parents, but my brother refused. Dad did not pursue it - he had grown tired of the fighting.

I have and will continue to give everything to care for Mom. I love being with her. But I hate so much the abusiveness of my siblings and their lack of willingness to just visit - not even help - just visit her and that they have convinced all Mom's grandchildren that it is not worth visiting because Mom will not recognize them.
(1)
Report
Sorry havent been on this forum for awhile but seems the treatment is working cuz now my sister has blocked me and as much as I want to be there...i have had enough of the trash talk besides she will call me when she needs money which is usually a red flag for me because it is always someone else's fault that nothing goes her way. Oh well you can't change ppl until they learn to change themselves and oh yeah recent news so morons decided to start trouble and Call CPS On me again...on bogus claims and I am just tired of ppl butting in my life that havent been in my house to make such false accusations but on a happier note my friend is here ...hooray:)
(0)
Report
Happy May to everyone! I hope you all are enjoying spring weather now, I know I am.
My sis and I spoke with an attorney earlier this morning regarding our DPOA and the situation with mom. He looked over the DPOA and told us we need to get a licensed physician to give us a certificate of incapacity to activate the DPOA. Once we have that, we can go back to my mom's attorney who wrote her living trust and the DPOA's and her attorney will then work with us. The certificate of incapacity allows us to have control over her finances but not over her physically, meaning that if we want home healthcare to come to her home to help her out, we can't force it on her without having a conservatorship. We cannot place her in a NH if she doesn't want to go without a conservatorship.Eventually she will have to be placed but right now we want her to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible. It looks like we have no choice but to get a conservatorship. I had hoped to avoid that because of the cost, and I am guessing maybe $2,000.00. The attorney said it will take 6-9 months, closer to 9 months. So here we go to the next step, not an easy one as no one wants to have their parent certified as incompetent. Enjoy the day and take care!!
(1)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter