Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
It's been a few weeks since I've been in touch but know that you're in my prayers daily. I am so grateful for this site.
May God continue to give us strength to face each day.
I'm rather curious about your statement, "I am not supportive of you guys."
Would you care to elaborate about this?
I called my sister to see how our mom w/ALZ-91 yrs. old is doing. It's just now up on 2 mos. that her 93 yr. old sister died, w/whom mother and sister lived. My mom was a narcissist while my sister and me were growing up. So emotionally we were quite neglected. Yes, there were the roles put into place early on. But at some point, I've decided for myself, that I didn't want to continue doing the codependent thing, or at least I try my best not to. So when I asked my sister the other day, how our mom was given the recent loss of her sister, sister tells me something like, "Well mom has gone back to the sleeping all of the time bit, tuning out." My mom way before the ALZ always new how to tune out, when she should have been majorly tuning in. So my sister and me feel a bit as if this is some very old behavior on her part, now given ALZ, and age, well what can one expect? Anyway, I could hear it in my sister's voice, the frustration, and I guess she's still somehow dreaming that our mom is going to miraculously step up to the plate and provide her with some kind of warm and fuzzy behavior, and bond w/her. By contrast, I gave up that thought a long time ago. So I just told my sister that under current circumstances we cannot really expect much out of my mom. Also, I pointed out the fact as to the meds she's on, also that she may have gone to the next step in the ALZ, given grief. But I realize in my sister's case her ongoing need to be codependent, and definitely she gets paranoid when she feels she's losing control of a situation.
In general, after having read some recent posts, it would be good for several of us to read about this. We can't be responsible for people's emotional happiness, hopefully we can be for our own.
cattails - I am glad you are coming to terms with your sister. I am too and life is better for that. We each have our own time lines as to when we can do this.
burned - prayers for finding your wallet. Losing important stuff is so frustrating.
A little word about codependency for everyone - something we can so easily get drawn into in caregiving, especially a narcissist.
This definition is from Wikipedia:
Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that harm one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[1] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.
I quote this because I have BTDT, got the t-shirt and am not going back. It is a terrible place to be, but possible to get out of, though it does not seem so at the time. In a dysfunctional family, some are groomed to becoming codependent, to meet the needs of others. Melodie Beattie has some good books on that subject - one being "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself".
Yes, strangely enough, being codependent is controlling behaviour.
A quote of hers from another book “I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.”
Another quote from Robert Burney (Joy2MeU) - "Some of us (classic codependent behavior) tried to control through people pleasing, being a chameleon, wearing a mask, dancing to other people's tunes..."
I see a lot of codependent relationships on this site. Prayers for release from these bondages.
jo
Arrangements are being made for my son to go to mayo.. and this will be a week (or more) trip.. so it looks like I have to take my mom with.. Im not looking forward to this.. hopefully the hotel will be close because I will spend the day going from mayo to the hotel.. back and forth..
There are times I feel somewhat guilty for even feeling this way, and yet I dont even know what Im feeling.. is it resentment.. is it anger?? I dont know.. But I do know when my mom was my age she had her life.. she worked..she went out with friends.. she ran her house as she wanted..she never had to "take care" of anyone but her favorite daughter (and it wasn't me).. And my life now is completely opposite.. everything I do I have to consider her..her health issues..her feelings.. even things in my home are now so different then the way I like them to be..she will say "Is it ok if I move this here or put that there".. and she knows I would never say no.. I so often think "you had your time..this is mine".. Im sure this is an extremely selfish thought for me to even have.. right?? .. I miss the days when it was just me and my family.. especially now that my son needs me I find myself feeling these feelings even stronger.. I cant make her life over now and yet I feel it is up to me to not only care for her health needs but also her emotional needs.. Ive tried to find her hobbies.. well she likes nothing but planting flowers and Ive tried to tell her that she needs to accept that her life has changed now she can no longer be out in the heat planting flowers.. That is when an arguement starts.. she will not accept she is 83 with health issues.. Even her Dr. tried to explain this to her.. She is now looking for a different Dr.. This is when she reminds me of a "spoiled bratty child"..
My prayers are with us all today and everyday..
My sister was supposed to be here during the holidays to see my dad and give me a break. She never came and she never told me she wasn't able too. She just chose not to talk about it. Then she said she would be here during Spring break, she has the week off as she works for the school system. I talked to her today, Spring break starts Monday and she isn't coming. She didn't tell me she isn't coming, but I know she isn't. I could get angry with her, but she has little money and she loves to avoid the fact that she doesn't come through.
I've started taking a depression medication that is really good for anxiety. It helps me to not rip my sister's face off. It is what it is, Burned. It may not be fair, but it's reality and I can't change it. So, I am trying to take care of myself and give my dad the best care I can. That's all I can do. Love and Hugs to you, Cattails.
Today I had to go grocery shopping.. and when ever I leave the house I only have a limited time so Im not gone incase something happens.. Today my mom wanted to come with me.. she is now on oxygen pretty much all day..especially upon activity.. well Im waiting for a smaller oxygen unit to be delivered so she can go out.. the one she has now is pretty heavy and Im not suppose to lift that amount of weight due to my recent surgery.. I did have to carry it the other day for her dr appt and I sure felt it by evening.. Well, she says I am jailing her.. and I need to grow up ect.. just very hurtful words.. she is now refusing to eat the dinner I made.. just like a spoiled child.. and I told her that.. I just needed to vent.. I am just waiting to get through this day and go to bed..
Thank you for the warm words and hugs from my sources of strength on here.. I appreciate it so very much.. I mean that.. hugs back to you guys..
I'm not really up on all the medicaid rules, but I do know there are ways to "work" the system....ways to make it so your mom qualifies....Can someone on AC help here???....
You are VERY SPECIAL person and I am hoping with all my heart that the people you need to recognize that, finally do!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. It just breaks my heart.
Havin said all that.. I know I need to break a cycle of being to nice... and Im trying now by not answering my phone.. I really wish I had other options for my mom.. I have looked into everything.. She is very needy and she cannot be left alone because Im sure she has the early stages of demetia.. For me.. a NH is not an option.. a assisted living type facility would be wonderful..but she does not qualify for medicaid and her monthly SS is not enough for assisted living.. Ive looked into senior day care programs.. there are none where we live.. I keep hitting a brick wall for any help..
And you are so right.. Burned and I are alot alike.. as I said to her.. I think we both keep hoping our family members would step in and just say anything.. even give us an hr break.. so we keep hangin on to a unrealistic dream.. for me life has been hard but it always seemed God would give me one huge problem at a time.. this past yr he has just dumped one thing after another.. I had my mom move in first.. a week later my mastectomy.. then my son got so sick.. then my other sons asthma got very bad.. then my one sister was placed into a NH .. and my mom wants me to go to the NH to care for my sister there.. bring her stuff ect.. I handle everything for that sister.. talk to her Dr.'s ect..
So Im not making excuses..or whining about things I can change.. I have truly searched for answers of any kind.. for help of any kind.. sometimes we are just stuck.. so we come here.. because here is the only place that we can come and be ourselves..no one here expects us to be strong all the time..
I read the post where you talked about doing laundry and then just broke down crying because of your son's situation. You are the only person in that house with a heart worth keeping. Maybe you can't support yourself and so you don't feel like you can make a move, but you need too.
Honey, your life is calling you. You know who is important and who is just draining you. I realize that their are financial consequences to placing your mom. I can only hope that she would qualify for medicaid.
Izzy, you are a precious star. Don't latch on to behavior that you can relate to, latch on to something better.
I have read many posts on this website, but you are in the top 10 of those who are so good and pure. Stop being so good and pure. Take care of your young son and you. To hell with the rest. My heartfelt love and prayers are with you.
My father lives with us and he qualified for Hospice (the local non-profit type). He would not have qualified for a Medicare funded Hospice facility because they require that the doctor state that the patient have 6 months or less to live. That is not the case with the non-profit, volunteer Hospice.
My father's doctor made a referral to the non-profit Hospice for my dad and they accepted him. Now, my dad could live another year or more or he could be gone next week. That made no difference to them and he was accepted into their program. They can be very helpful in providing equipment that you might need. They are there to support you just as much as they are there to help your husband. Often, they have a working relationship with some care giving groups and can provide you with someone to come in and do the bathing at no charge or just stay for a couple of hours to give you a break. Sometimes they have volunteers who will come in and let you have a break. They are very kind people and will not bombard you with things you don't need.
Talk to you husband's doc and see if he/she will make a referral for you. Then you can talk to the Hospice people and see if it's something that works for you.
May I ask what is your husband's prognosis? In past things you have written, it sounds like his time is limited, but I'm not sure if I understood that correctly. I'm wondering if Hospice is an option for you.
You don't owe me an apology. Having said that, I will be honest with you. I will, however, make a point of not being so hard nosed about it.