The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

"It is what it is" can indeed be an expression of defeatism, but it can also be a statement of acceptance of things as they are in real life. I use it in the latter context and have for many years. I try not to use it if "what is" can be improved upon.

Thanks for the suggestions Margaret .
It will be interesting to see how DH handles it .

Way, perhaps do a letter to each of the ‘old folks’, tell them a) D doesn’t want it b) how much it would cost. Ask them if they would like to contribute to the cost, say if enough people contribute it may be possible, but in any event D will only be there for a few minutes at the beginning. Better to give them some choice so THEY are the ones turning it down.

Air fare is expensive to go there and have him bail almost immediately .

The airfare is most likely a deal breaker just to go to dinner .
I know my kids won’t spend that kind of money to go to dinner.

But I could see the old folks getting angry. They still have strong views about funerals and weddings . They don’t like any new thoughts , nor are they in touch with today’s realities due to people being spread out

Perhaps have D there at the beginning, then get taken home almost immediately because ‘it’s all been too much for him’? If possible, by a young relative who will be bored anyway.

@ Margaret ,

Yeah that’s the obvious .
I should have been more specific and said DH is wondering if anyone will expect him to plan and/or attend something as you described. DH would like to just skip any and all plans , especially since it would most likely be expected we travel down south to meet up with the older folks . Turns out Dh is like me , hates the “ after funeral meal “ . Just wants to stay home and grieve in his own way .

Way, you are wondering “if family will expect something when she dies”. I’d suggest a dinner out a x restaurant in y location, date z, pay for your own, let us know by zz date so we can book for numbers. It’s perfectly respectable – I even saw a wedding reception done the same way. Many people have a dinner out following a funeral, you just skip the funeral.

Also house flower Im sure that term is over used, I'll try to save it for the things I can't change, like I can't change the fact that moms 88 with a degenerative back. So I say " it is what it is"

That would be annoying over and over.

Hope for peace for you following your moms death 🙏😞

Houseflower, I went a very long time without crying for my dad too.

Then the strangest thing happened, I was cooking supper and the old Western Rifle Man was on. The son , I think his name was Mark , was playing Green sleeves on his guitar,
My dad played it a lot on the violin, I think I cried for days after that. 😞

Nacy, My mother’s favorite expression was it is what it is. I want to inscribe it on her urn 😁. I couldn’t take it when she said it, it was like fingernails on a blackboard for me.

my mother never wanted to take a chance on something maybe being better than what “is” was. She was a defeatist. Stayed in a crappy house in a crappy neighborhood, never wanting to get help in sooner than she did. Her “is” was making everyone else’s life miserable.

She has been gone six weeks and I haven’t cried once.

Way, omg, your mil sounds like she thinks out of the box 😂 A slot machine, that's should be on a sitcom.

Funeral talk ….

First my MIL told us she wants us to throw a party for her friends when she died . Well a lot are dead and some are in facilities now , so she hasn’t been bringing that up the last few years .

She also signed up years ago to have her body donated to the local medical school . They apparently always have a shortage of cadavers . Then after 2-3 years they cremate and she’s having the ashes sent to us ( we don’t want them ) . She has instructed DH to dump her ashes at a video poker machine in a casino in Atlantic City where she had her biggest win ever . NOT HAPPENING . First of all that’s gross , illegal and a casino is full of cameras watching .

I found a boat that will take ashes out to sea in an environmentally responsible container from Atlantic City . We can mail them to Atlantic City , or we can drive there and go on the boat too for a higher fee . That will be DH’s decision.

My DH is wondering though if family will expect something when she dies. MIL still has two siblings but they are retired down south . There is a cousin about an hour from MIL . And my DH’s brother in Oklahoma. And if so where to have something ? , we are 4 hours away from where MIL lives too . There is no gravesite to go to .

Way, That's a good one, mine has been lately, "it is what it is" in other words I can't change a darn thing but myself.

That makes a lot of sense about the anger. Ive had that I'll call myself me pre Aging Care and post aging care. BAC and PAC , 😆 . I've been a bit angry at why did I let my flowers die from lack of water and moms look beautiful. So that anger makes alot of sence

The Lost feel, yeah I'm expecting that to be rough,

JHoward, mom use to do that about her funeral too. Not so much anymore. But yeah she has this fantasy funeral in her head, where everyone is in uncontrollable greif standing at her grave. Why she wants people she loves to be traumatized in that Way. Narssasisim, probably just about sums it up

@JHoward

My friend, all the commentors here (Anabanana, waytomisery, Anxietynacy) all of us know where you're coming from and have either a parent or in-law like your mother. I know I certainly do.

Let me tell you from experience. Living with the guilt-trip is way better than allowing your mother to own your life. You can get past the guilt tripping by going to counceling and talking about it. Or by talking to people like us who are or have been in the same boat as you.

Sometimes, many times, people like your mother have to learn the hard way. They need a practical lesson that they are not going to be catered to now will they get what they want through manipulation, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or verbal and mental abuse.

You need to teach your mother this life lesson by ignoring her demands and her needs. Let her fend for herself. Know why she has to learn this lesson at 96?

Because she didn't learn it at 26, or 36, or 76, or 86. Clearly she's been catered to her entire life and someone else has always been responsible for her and went around putting out all the fires she starts.

Stop today. Just stop and ignore her. Ask the police to do a wellness check on her if you want to check up.

When she's hungry enough, she'll eat the food offered where she lives.
When she gets needy enough she'll learn to mind her tongue and start being respectful to the people who help her.

Let her know plainly today that if she wants any kind of help from you it is going to be on YOUR terms, not hers. Also, if she wants to live out her remaining time outside of a Medicaid-sponsored nursing home she had better learn some self-control and that NO ONE will be catering to her demands.

If she continues to act up, have nothing to do with her. Her life today is the result of the choices she made and how she chose to live. That's not on you. So don't let it be. Please seek out counceling to help get you out of the F.O.G. (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) you are lost in.

Good luck.

My new mantra that I have come up with this week is

I will not swim in her pool of consequences .

It will help me with what is going on with MIL , which is more than what I have posted ( whined ) .

I hope this mantra helps someone else too.

I am the daughter (only) of a suspected covert narc, also groomed to fulfill all needs. I had no idea my upbringing wasn’t peachy until I had kids of my own. I am trying to shed my anger, learn to enforce boundaries and stop people pleasing. My mother’s 99 so funeral planning is something I may soon have to face. The “public vs private” aspect enrages me. Friends and extended family think sugar goes to her for sweetness. My husband, kids, a few close friends and staff at the care home have witnessed what she’s like around me. It worsened but did not start with her dementia.

JHoward, like yours, my mother campaigned against hired help. Outrageous accusations. I figured she was trying to make sure I kept doing things for her. “See how I’m the victim of awful things when you don’t fulfill all my needs?!?” Geez, do you ever need boundaries with your mother! You have value! Make her accountable to herself. And save yourself!

Anxiety ,

Yes , the amount of anger I felt was a surprise . Not only was I angry at my mother , I was angry at myself for letting her control me too much for too long , even though I had gotten somewhat better about boundaries to a degree over the years .

The other thing I felt after she died was for lack of a better term ….lost . A big part of my days the last 12 years she was alive had become about putting out her fires . I got depressed and had to figure out how to live a more normal life . I had forgotten how.

Howard, waytomisery is exactly right, all she says is 100 percent right.

Many of us are going through the same thing, you should post a question in the question section, it's easier, and you get more replies, I joined 6 months ago, felt very much like you. I tell you life is still hard, but it's easier because of things people have said to me and having the support, so stick with us here, it does help

Reading what waytomisery said about the anger feeling after her mom's death, is something I just learned that I haven't thought about. So now I can be prepared for that feeling, in a better way.

As for dementia, I have no doubt your mom has some decline, are brain starts to die after a certain age. Learn more about dementia, Google Teepa Snow. You may see more similarities than you think.

Best of luck, stick around, many of us are exactly where you are.

As for funeral for my mom, when the time comes. I'm just waiting to see how I feel at the time. My brother is POA so Im not doing any of the preparation, but to be honest I'm not sure if I'll even go. I'm just waiting to see how I feel when the time comes, and how I feel.

@ JHoward ,

You don’t have to visit this woman nor bring her food .

I totally understand the pull of obligation . I too had a narcissist for a mother who groomed me to be her servant for 40 years.

Let me tell you , my mother will be dead 6 years this November . I’m still dealing with anger at times .

But here is the thing , you can only change your behavior not hers. I learned that very late in my mother’s life .

Please put yourself first . Your mother will be a nasty person no matter how often or how little you visit .

I would encourage you to give up POA or any responsibilities as it can be difficult to find placement for a difficult and/or violent person . You don’t want her in your home . Let her become a ward of the state .

Your mother has earned her consequences . You have no obligation to be on her sinking ship with her. You don’t need this headache . As a ward of the state they will make sure they place her somewhere .

As far as dementia, my mother had dementia and the doctor told me it was like throwing gasoline on a fire . The fire being her narcissism. So your Mom very well could have early dementia . I just thought it was Mom being Mom also .

As far as her funeral . Sounds like nobody would want to come anyway . I don’t see why you need an obit in the paper at all. That solves your no service by request dilemma . Just let the people know who need to know she’s gone .

You don’t owe this horrible mother a good farewell . You don’t need to follow her wishes. Trust me when I say you will be angry when she’s dead . Relieved but also a lot of pent up anger will boil over when you don’t have her controlling you any longer.

I do hope you are going to therapy . I’m so sorry this woman was your mother . You have nothing to feel guilty about at all . You don’t have to do what she wants .

How am I doing today? Struggling. My mother has always been mentally ill: Probably NPD and borderline, violent... She's very abusive and contoling. She's now 96. People she launches herself onto probably think it's dementia, but it's actually who she is.

She's in a particularly bad phase at the moment. Her approach to life has been to set fire (not literally) to everything around her, and then move (physically). She's lived many dozens of places over the years, often for only months. Sometimes for a year or two. I think she's moved about times. I went to 20 schools. She lived one place in her 70s about 5 years. Another time in her sixties for about 8. She's been married 5, maybe six times. She loathes anyone connected to her kids and grandkids, like friends and spouses, and especially pets. So they all keep their distance to the point of "no contact", or very limited contact.

She claims she is a "peaceful" person. Far, far from it.

Currently, she is sabbotaging the place where she lives. It's a minimal assistance place. She can get dinners, but hated the cook, so I cook and freeze meals for her, although I live an hour away and a 35$ return trip. (I'm 72.) That woman retired. There is a new employee (replacement) in her building of 8 suites, and she's out to get the woman. She's writing emails to the owners and managers, trying to get the woman fired saying extremely vile things. Mother tried to get me on-side. I said I thought she was being "harsh", and she went off like a bomb. The employer has a legal obligation to protect the woman from harassment. I won't be surprised if they have a lawyer step in during the next few days.

She wrote them an email in which she made all sorts of weird, false claims. She forwarded it to me, and I read it to a friend who thought anyone who read it would think she is insane. That friend has met her, recently, and agrees she seems pretty "with it". I don't think she has dementia. I've seen her lie throughout her life, and make bizarre claims before, over the years.

I feel like if they call the police or an ambulance, she will be taken to hospital (even further away and more expensive for me), and she will decompensate to the point that she will end up on a psych ward or in a nursing home chemically and perhaps physically restrained. She will go totally nuts - although what that looks like, I don't know, given how she has always been. I don't feel the need to protect her from that. I can't, and I don't want to, and I certainly don't want anyone to think I can take care of her in my 890 square feet.

I'm able to manage a few days of her nut-stuff, but then I panic. What happens if this, or that?

One of the things I've been thinking about today, after her now weeks of decomensation behaviour ... This is weird: Months ago, she went over with me and the "funeral director" what she wants. She wants a "tea party" with white table clothes, sandwiches, etc.. I always planned to pawn any speaking (etc.) off on her brothers. But she is predeceased by all of her siblings. My own siblings hate her. There are people who don't know her who would not understand the animosity toward her, but I think many would understand. She says she's considering her "options". I think she may be contemplating suicide. I also think she thinks everything is everyone else's fault and I very much doubt she has that kind of courage. I think my two 1/2 sisters (her children) would be happy to show up and totally trash her. I have nothing to say about a woman who beat me constantly as a child and did no end of s**t. All I could say do without spilling the beans is give birth a death facts. Marriage gets into weird stuff, as does residences (moving back and forth across the country multiple times).

What I really want to do is to say, "No service by request". Although that request would go against her wishes. I've spent my life doing what she wants. I don't want to do this, and I don't want to feel guilty about that too.

Hi Anxietynacy - I think that's fantastic about working on a list of things you'll do and NOT do under any circumstances - that is perfect! Setting boundaries is so important in order to take care of yourself. That's an empowering feeling and I'm glad you're feeling much better! The rest should fall on your brother being the POA. 

I need to do that better. I'm going to try to work on that. I really appreciate your motivating words!

Hi Beatty - OMG, Your "Mission Creep" description is spot on ...and the questions of "Where am I?" and "How to climb out?"...are exactly what I was asking myself yesterday and today....your timing in writing this was so perfect. Yes, Beatty...I get you too! 

I, too, am feeling so alone...I'm right there with you.  And the "background" sibling too....and yes, my sister barely does anything. She'll only surface when she's afraid of me totally bailing on my parents.  And yes, I know the feeling of "never getting a word in" and "so focused on their lives". I left the city to go to my parent's house to take care of a lot of responsibilities for them - I planned on staying thru the wkend - I'll never last.  My mother is already in one of her raging moods - it's hideous.  But, once their physical therapist showed up at the house, she became this pleasant, lovely woman to him...she can win an Oscar for her acting. 

I called my sister this morning to give her an update....my sister talked over me and she was more interested in talking about the date that she had last night. 

Beatty, I totally understand about having a cry tonight....I had mine yesterday - I really needed it. I hope things get better for both of us. And, happy to hear that you met a kind pastoral care worker today...that's uplifting and inspiring! 

Beatty,
Glad that you met someone kind today!

Beatty, (((((GREAT BIG WARM HUG)))))

"I think caregiving is insidious...it starts little by little ..." Yes Hopeforhelp I get you.

'Mission creep' is a term I learnt on this forum.

I saw it as a slide into a bog. A deep sticky bog. Once in it took time to feel the reality. Where am I? How to climb out?

I am also feeling so alone. I also have the 'background sibling'. So background..

I went to visit. To discuss it all. Never got a word in... so focused on their lives.. younger kids. I get it. But still so alone. Having a cry tonight.

But hope lives. I met a kind pastural care worker today. That was a positive.

Hopeful, I'm working on a list of things that I'm willing to do and things that I under no circumstances will I do and sending it to my brother that is POA.

It's helping me feel more in control and less used. Then moving forward he is going to have to decide what to do with the things I am unwilling to do. Giving it to him to figure out is making me feel much better!

HI Anxietynacy - I totally agree with you - this Forum helped me in so many ways. 

Happy to hear that you're pacing yourself and letting others do the work while taking a break. That's very important to take this time to recharge - you owe it to yourself and your own life!  And who needs to be popular with a dysfunctional family anyway! I've made friends my family these days. 

I'm trying hard to be more cognizant of my own life and for my own self care. We need to make sure to take care of ourselves!  

Sending you my very best wishes and much appreciation ~

Hopeful, you are so right, at the beginning it's a few errands, then groceries, then added doctors appointments, little by little you loose your life and your freedom.

Luckily for me I joined this forum before my life was completely gone. And I try not to do more than I can mentally handle. Actually taking a bit of break now and letting others do the work. To get my head back on, mostly guilt free. But is not making me very popular with my
dysfunctional family.

Best of luck, any questions ask away

Hi Anxietynacy & Golden....really, thank you both for your kind and very thoughtful words ...and for reaching out - it does really help me! 

Hi Anxietynacy - happy to hear that you've thankfully had a few good days this week...and yes, I can totally agree and relate to the "rollarcoaster" that caregiving brings. I think caregiving is insidious...it starts little by little ...and before you know it, you're on overdrive and you don't even recognize yourself or your own life anymore. 

I think my feeling "numb" these days seems to be my only way to get thru stressful situations - to put "blinders" on in order to move forward. I realize that it's not the best way to live - it eventually backs up on me.  I think today was one of those days. I'm feeling a bit blue - and that's not typical of my natural personality...but a person can only take so much. 

I'm trying to assist parents and a single aunt - they're all in their early 90's....it's a small family and basically all on me - my sister stays in the background...every now and then, she'll make a very small effort, but only when she sees the impact it's having on me.  And of course, none of them planned for their senior years.  And, when it comes to dysfunctional families, they're right up there! I could write a book.  

Hi Golden - your wise words and direction actually helped me to take a deep breath and center me - really thank you. What's dragging me down is I think caregiving is such an isolating feeling - I suppress most of it. I've tried to organize as much as possible for them - ordering their groceries weekly...getting meals sent...taking care of all of their mail, bill paying and finances - bringing in a housekeeper once a week to keep their homes clean and laundry, etc...but I get pulled into their urgencies and issues and crisis situations that arise and I'm constantly going back and forth leaving the city and going there ...and I've struggled with doing anything for them, being that I've suffered significant emotional and physical abuse by them in my adult years.  It's still very hard to speak about. 

I'm just trying my best right now - just praying each day and trying to get back to the me that I once was. Thank you both for listening and for your supportive words...it helped a lot! 

Sending you both much love ~ 

((((((Hope))))) Please step back and take some "me" time. Caregivers need to look after themselves too. Prioritize the tasks and do the "must do" ones, and let some of the others go. Senior parents can get tunnel vision and not realize the burden they put on their child(ren).

There is a difference between "needs" and "wants". Your job, if you chose to do it, is about making sure your parents/relatives are safe, have food, shelter, finances in order, i.e. see that their needs are met, but not to look after all their wants. Looking after their needs is a big job. Looking after their wants too can make the job impossible. Looking after more than one person becomes a too heavy burden often. You are only one and you have to look after yourself too, or the whole thing falls apart.

Can you give us more information about what is dragging you down?
Does your family have any other resources -e;g; money to hire some help, or go into a facility?

This situation has to work for all concerned and that includes you. Take care of you!!!