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Youre NOT being mean. You're being practical.

It sounds like mom is beyond the " mild cognitive impairment" stage.

I wouldn't lift a finger to move her. " we'll see." "Let me look into that" and " we need to ask the doctor about that" are all good responses.

Another thing. I'd be curious to see if those friends step up to help. We kept my mom in an Independent Living place near her old address so her friends could visit. Didn't happen. My mom, not a social butterfly at all, eventually made friends in IL.
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TaylorUK Apr 2019
I don't hear anything in OP that suggests mom is beyond mild cognitive impairment and in need of regular medication / food intake monitoring. Which are probably best served by a once a month or every couple of months appointments with her general physician. Your experience with your mom's friends is not a given general situation - my mother (90) is a social butterfly (you use that term, I tend to say she needs superficial socialisation - i.e. she would like to see 4 people a day for 10 minutes rather than two people a week for two hours or even all day!!) It is horses for courses - and one has to give one's elderly relative the choice if they are able to make one mentally. Its their life not ours.
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This jumped out at me: your mom has uncontrolled diabetes, dosen't take her meds properly, is visually impaired and has some cognitive impairment, unspecified. You're not the one making her into an invalid. Old age is doing that. You're trying to get her proper care.

Is she private pay at these ALFs? How long will her money last? Do they accept Medicaid after a certain period of private pay? Are either of these facilities campus-type arrangements with Memory care and NH facilities?

How often has mom been hospitalized in the past year?

Does your mom understand that if she moves back to her town, you will be unable to take her to doctors, show up in the ER and can only visit twice a month?

Can mom manage this move on her own?

I don't think you're being selfish. I think that you are looking realistically at the future and your mom is not.

There is no easy answer here. But lay the situation out for your mother and see if she seems to understand the subtleties of the situation.
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Scubaqn Apr 2019
Thank you for the response.

Yes private pay. Has resources for some time but are all in my name which she does not have access. Also when diagnosed properly has a good long term care policy I will activate. All total more than 10 years.

Yes ALF are part of a large well known corporate entity. The one she lives in has memory care, the one she wants does not. This is part of the reason I chose it.

Mom not hospitalized in last year. 1.5 years ago had a fall, only went to the ER.

I plan to tell her all of this about the drs and can't visit as often. I don't know that

Mom can't move on her own. It was a huge endeavor to move her there over the last few months. Kept wanting things from the property we sold then a week later would ask me to get rid of them. I seriously don't plan on helping her if she insists. She would have to do it all herself. That sounds mean but its just such a bad idea.
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This is a tough one for me as I can understand both sides. Being closer to you is both comforting for you and your mom. And with your work & home life, it is also convenient - no small thing. But as I recently retired, I do empathize with your mother. I miss my co-workers - many of which I worked with for several years. I also miss the work and the whole world of "the office". As I'm younger and quite independent, I can meet them for lunch or dinner whenever.
A friend (POA for her father ) lives about 2 hours from him ( in NH): she & NH admin do Care Meetings via phone. She & her husband make the trip to visit once a month or so. Hoping you can come to a decision that works for both of you.
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Scubaqn Apr 2019
Thanks peace416

I appreiate it
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