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My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts and have been dating for 7 years now. We are 24 and I ( after a recent talk it has become apparent that only I feel this way that’s why I don’t say “we”) feel ready to take the next steps of getting engaged and moving in together already. We had talked about it many times and he has mentioned that he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving his grandma alone but still we had both come to the conclusion that we would get an apartment for ourselves. The reason that I want to live together alone with him is to really get a home for OURSELVES, a home where I could build up and decorate as my own home as well, instead of living with his grandma and not having that sense of home. I love and respect my boyfriend’s grandma but I don’t want to move in with her because, it’s HER home (and home of my boyfriend) and I would not feel like it is a home where I could make it feel mine too. I want to start my married life in the privacy and safety of a place that feels mine and my boyfriend’s. Up until yesterday I kept daydreaming and getting impatiently excited for that new beginning of ours that would be accomplished this year but after stringing me along for months he now said that he doesn’t think that we’ll move in somewhere alone because he doesn’t want to leave his grandma alone. It hurts to have been brought down to ground level after him letting my expectations for that plan fly for months but I commend him for being a good grandson. Still, I don’t want to move in with his grandma because if I move in, I know that his plans will be to stay there. It’s frustrating that he has more responsibility than any cousin, sibling, aunt/uncle, that should be just as responsible for his grandma. It all comes down to him being the last one to leave the house. I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents but we are still young and I would like to enjoy these young years alone with him. I don’t know what to do and I feel bad that I feel this way even though his love for his grandma is respectable. I don’t know what to do and so I am just broken hearted and frustrated at the heavy news. Again, I respect his grandma a lot but I really want to keep growing into my own person in the intimacy of my own home and not feel as a guest during these prime marriage years. I have not heard any of her input in this but it seemed like the grandma and his mom don’t have a problem with him and I getting a place so it is mostly my boyfriend making this decision. Would it be wrong to let the grandma live by herself?

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Do not do this. If he doesn’t want to get married or make any true commitment, you’re wasting your time. Moving in together won’t change how he feels.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Absolutly!
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You are the one who is moving forward with the next step.

He is not ready to make a lifetime committment to you or anyone. He is acting as a doormat for his family.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Yep!
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If you’re thinking “It hurts” NOW when BF talks about not wanting to leave Grandma, just wait to see how you’ll feel about it in six months or a year or however long it finally DOES take you to realize that playing second string to a healthy old person who is the owner of a grandson who is making himself a lifestyle with lots of benefits, no strings, and “See you after I make Grandma’s tea and cut her toenails” is like watching life on a black and white TV.

RUN ROSE87!

Run as fast as you can, towards a man who wants to put you first, before his grandma or his Lhasa Apso or his ‘68 Mustang.

NEVER LOOK BACK!
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Hahahahaha! So funny! So true! Terrific reply, thanks for the belly laugh...tea 'n cuttin' toe nails : )
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Evidence that you were going to be married to your high school sweetheart
in the last 7 years, since you were 17:

1. He would have asked you to marry him, proposed, gave you a ring.
2. You would have set a date.
Then, the two of you would have made plans.

You ask, "Would it be wrong to let grandma live by herself"?
First, that is not your biggest concern, and not your business.
You may have a naive mindset - there are so many others in his family who could step up once the (should be ex-) boyfriend moves out from his grandmother's home.

Do not date this guy until he has a place of his own and shows signs of being mature enough and available for a relationship, and gainfully employed.

Old school? Old-fashioned you say? It is you who mentioned marriage, and you are not headed in that direction.

Maybe watch the old classic musical "Grease". How girl gets boy.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
So true, and excellent points!
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" It’s frustrating that he has more responsibility than any cousin, sibling, aunt/uncle, that should be just as responsible for his grandma. It all comes down to him being the last one to leave the house. I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents..."

You've mentioned his mother. What is her part in all of this?

How old is the grandmother? Is our BF taking care of her in any way, or just living with her?

You are concerned about not having privacy, etc. in your life (which I agree about), but don't ignore the bigger issue, which is that at some point the grandmother will probably need caregiving. If you and BF are living there, it will be expected that it will be up to the two of you.

Even you, with your phrase " I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents," seem to think this will happen.

You are very young. There is a whole world out there that is going to become very difficult if you move in with the grandmother. Your BF has shown his true colors. Believe him. Move on.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Yep! Well written!
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Ditto to do not move in together.

If he can't commit to you after 7 years, he either isn't ready (yikes) or never will. You don't need to be tethered to a Man Boy.

Fact: living together before marriage has not changed the divorce rate.

The difference between living together and marriage is the difference between renting and owning. He doesn't want to own the relationship, which would require far more TLC and investment (and maturity).

If you move in with them, I guarantee you will be assumed into the role of caregiver. No! Don't! Stop! His gramma is not your concern. If you move out and move on things will be clarified for the both of you. Don't listen to any more promises or string-alongs from him. I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you live your best life without him.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
So true!
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RUN!! Run fast in the opposite direction. There’s lots of other fish in the sea!
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Yes and besides the fish, a whole world to explore too!
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Your relationship has become "comfortable". He likes it the way things are. He has his cake and can eat it too. Then having you move in means you can help shoulder the burden. Grandma can't be much passed her 70s. If in good health, could go on for a long time. I would bet BF is living there free of charge.

At 24, or any age, you do not want to get trapped and that is what will happen. Right now you are just his GF, u move it more will be expected of you. NO, don't do it.

Look at this relationship. Is it mostly one sided with you working trying to keep it together? After 7 yrs I really don't see marriage in this picture. I think its time for you to start looking else where. The women responding to you are older ladies who have been there. You deserve much better than ending up a slave to others.

I am adding that you are not selfish to want more than he is asking of you. Lets say you may finally be seeing "the light". Don't marry because you have been going together for 7 years. I know a woman who was about 31 when she married a guy that she had been going with for 7 years, never lived together. 5 yrs later they divorced. She gave up 12 yrs to this man. I should have warned her, I was was wife #1 and our marriage lasted 5 yrs and I was 24 when we married. If you have doubts, go with those feelings. I had them too but went ahead and got married. #2 went after me. He does nothing unless he considers how I feel first. Really, its a really nice feeling when a man pursues you. That he will do almost anything to make u happy and you feel the same way. For now, keep you independence. You are still a GF and if you were a fiance, I would not want to move in with grandma. Marriage is a couple coming together as one. Breaking away and being on their own. Your BF likes the status quo. No responsibilities and his own built in maid. Go with that gut feeling, its a survival thing.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Such a helpful answer, and so on point too.
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RUN! Do not look back. This situation will not improve. It has not improved for the past 2,555 days= 7 years.
I lived with a mother's boy. He always, always put her first. Then stuff happened, and if we were married, I would have had a lot more legal recourse. Few years later, met, married a great guy. Not a mama's boy, puts me first. When he was diagnosed with dementia-totally ok with my having POA. Mature, hard working, adult, grown up, responsible, intelligent, is normal behavior. Which you have stated you want. Ok-then leave your present living situation. They do not have to change. You do. You want to have your own place-good. Go for it!
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Just to add:

You are not selfish (is he telling you that????).

You are acting in your own best interests. No one else will do that for you.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
To repeat BarbBrooklyn

"You are acting in your own best interests. No one else will do that for you".

Absolutly true.
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Rose87…….carefully and with open mind and heart, read all these responses. The people on this site have walked in your shoes. Then, if it still hasn’t sunk in yet, read comments again! At age 24, you have your whole life ahead of you. Stand up for yourself, on your own 2 feet and tell BF that you have decided to move on and make a life for YOURSELF. He may not like it , but too bad! You are way too young to get saddled with granma caregiving responsibilities!
Get your own apartment, fix and decorate it as YOU want. Sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like he is being made the scapegoat by his own family and until he can figure that out and leave, he will never give of himself 100% to his partner. I sure hope you can stand up for YOU, and run in the opposite direction as fast as you can!!!
Liz
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Yep!
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Honey, he's stuck in high school, and you're starting to grow up. I’m sure he’s a very nice young man, but U2 are not in the same place and if you wait around for him to get where you are it’s going to be another seven years. All of a sudden you’ll be in your 30s and wondering what happened.

This isn’t really about his grandmother. It isn’t even about having your own home and decorating it the way you like and playing house with him, because -- and call me old fashioned, too -- moving in together and getting "engaged" means nothing these days. Everyone who's been dating someone more than a year now refers to their BF as their fiancé. There's literally no committment between the two of you -- you're both habits the other hasn't broken.

You need to give him a hug and a kiss, tell him you’ll always have a special place in your heart for him, and move on. It’ll be really, really hard, and you need to resolve yourself to not listen to any promises of getting engaged or married, because he won't be there willingly. You were both one another's first real love, and there's value to that, but it doesn't mean you should be together now.

Move on, get that place of YOUR own, and see the world a bit more. I think you'll find it was the right thing to do.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Yes!
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This grandma is grooming her male grandchild. I have seen it happen so many times with sons over here, usually with their moms.

They all became undatable. No one wants a relationship where they face having sex with an old lady there. They then regress like they were 14. "Coddled" on by the fact they don't really have to have a job with a roof over their head, they achieve little. Most end up with severe substance issues. A couple have been rendered homeless.

Twenty-four is an age of majority. If your Mister is already being drowned in this so much that he won't leave GRANDMA for a similarly young girlfriend with prospects, and he won't get on with his own life, he is a poor prospect.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Exactly right!
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"I have not heard any of her input in this but it seemed like the grandma and his mom don’t have a problem with him and I getting a place so it is mostly my boyfriend making this decision."

Not sure if it grooming or your BF not wanting to get out of his comfort zone. Like I said, he is probably living free. Who wants to pay for an apartment and utilities when you have Mom and Grandmom waiting on you and not asking for anything in return.

Like said you are maturing and out growing him. I am 72 and was married at 24, I married late. Most of my friends were married and having their first babies by 24. Houses too. Your BF is living with a Gma who seems to have his mother to care for her. Again, for him its comfortable.

Please come back and tell us what you decide. It will be a hard decision on ur part and lonely for a while because u have been a couple. But, you will find your grove and be a better person. You will look back and wonder how you stayed with him so long. We love updates.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Oh, you bet we want updates!
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Rose, if he is using Gma (who has his mom as her caregiver) as an excuse to not take the next step, it's because he doesn't want to take the next step and is too chicken to say so.

Please, do yourself a favor and see the world, get YOUR own place and find love elsewhere.
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Your question of whether it would be wrong for grandma to live on her own is, sadly for you, inconsequential. Your boyfriend has made his decision and it’s firm. You’re not his priority and you’d be wise to move on. Just because you’ve invested a lot of years and effort doesn’t make it different. I hope you’ll move forward on your own and build a new life
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
So true. If you stay (DO NOT) the situation you have describe will not change. Seven years and this is all he can do for you? Really? How is that even remotely acceptable? Honestly, given the access that people your age have to everyone, everything on their phones, why does your discription of what is going on read like something from the 1880s? Also, if your best friend texted you what you wrote here-what would you think?
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if you can get the Milk for free why buy the cow ? he has Grand ma providing a Home , Mom coking dinner and you providing sex - why would he want to change ? Go find another Boy friend and get on with your Life . He isn't going to change .
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Exactly right, house, meals and sex. Work is a four letter word to him. This guy ain't a keeper! Run!
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You're young. You may not have a full understanding of how some people think - such as your boyfriend. He may not want to leave the security of a home he doesn't have to maintain or pay rent to live in. Moving in a separate place with you means getting and keeping a job to pay bills (a lot of bills). This could be a sign of the things to come for him (and you if you stay with him) - others taking care of his basic needs.

You say you don't know what to do, but I think you do. You've spent 7+ years waiting on him to proceed in life like other people you know. Engagement, marriage, a place of your own, etc. It hasn't happened and, pretty much, he's let you know he's not ready to move away from the safe haven he lives in. He doesn't have more responsibility than others in the family - he lives there by choice. If his family supports you/him living somewhere else alone and together, that further supports he has no desire to make that move.

Sadly, if you want other things in life you may need to think about moving on from this relationship. Just because it's familiar doesn't mean it's the place for you. Maybe the two of you have just grown in different directions. It's very possible that if you moved on, in 10 years you will still see him living the same way he is now. If you stay with only your own hope of making a change, you'll be 34 when you discover how much more time you invested in someone with different goals than your own.
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My half sister is 59 and a widow. She met some guy who lives with his 82 year old mother and says he comes as "a package deal" together with her, so if my sister wants to marry him, she has to move into his mother's house and live with both of them. She wanted to know what I thought of the package deal? After I stopped laughing, I told her she was being sold a pig in a poke for godsake! This dude is looking for her to be his chief cook and bottle washer, sex partner AND caregiver to his MOTHER! HELLO? Of course I'm "wrong and don't know what I'm talking about" so I told her to come over here to AgingCare and she'll see firsthand what I'm talking about and no, I'm not wrong.

Find a new man who doesn't come as a package deal with his grandmother. A REAL man who puts his wife first and can either buy his OWN home or afford to pay rent on one because he's not leeching off of his elderly mom or grandma. I'm not wrong about this advice, either. You deserve better and you know it.
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Myownlife Jan 2022
LOL, I think your advice is spot on and may be the best advice of all !! :)
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Read all these great replies and take them to heart; if you move into grandma's house you will be roped into being a caregiver for her, a satellite to her life not your own. You have every right to want a separate adult life of your own; if grandma and your boyfriend's mom both say moving to a place of your own as a couple is OK believe them...it's the boyfriend that is not ready and may never be. You won't know for sure until you act on your own instincts to create an adult life on your own terms; if your relationship really matters to your boyfriend he will find a way to ensure the welfare of his grandma and leave the nest to create a home and life with You.
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Please, do not make any ultimatums. They never work out. I did that with #1. Marriage or we r breaking up. He agreed to marriage but I don't think he was ever happy with the decision. I was not #1 either. Ended up feeling more like a maid than a wife. Then he comes home and says he doesn't want to be married anymore. House had to be sold, I had to move home with a one year old and get a job to support us after 5 yrs of marriage. I found out later, he had cheated on me.

Just let the relationship die naturally. Say no to moving in. That if you marry you will be going to a place of your own. And, you expect to be #1. Then let him take the wheel. Lets be old fashioned here where he calls you. Let him pursue you. In the meantime, find new interests. See friends. Go out for a drink with fellow associates. I will bet, little by little he will back out of your life and you won't have to break up. Time for you to grow.
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Marriage is about leaving parents - and those in the place of parents - to start a new life together as married partners. Statistically, people who have not "lived together" before marriage tend to have longer and more stable marriages. It probably has to do with a commitment to each other to "be there and work things out" that comes with marriage as compared to "if it doesn't work, I can walk away." Your desire to have your boyfriend as your husband and have him to yourself is the basis for most marriage relationships - to be commended.

If his grandmother is doing find mentally, financially, medically... there is no reason that she can not live alone. If she needs help on a daily basis, then your boyfriend must consider that she probably needs more help than only he provides.

Please consider seeing a counsellor together as you and your boyfriend negotiate this next phase of your life. Many faith leaders (pastors, rabbis, imams...) provide this type of counselling as pre-marital counselling to work through the type of issues you write of.
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Shikkaba Jan 2022
This isn't 100% accurate. I got married while living at my parents. He lived with us. It allowed us to save up more living at home.

While not ideal, it is a thing that happens.
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A recent post came from a woman who had lived with BF for 5 years, then married him. After the marriage she found that he was giving most of his salary away to his previous wife, told lies to poster, didn’t save and didn’t want to pull his own weight in a normal marriage. Before they were married, she didn’t feel able to insist on full information from him. When they married, she got a very bad shock.

You too think that BF will change to put you first when you have your nice little home and a wedding ring. Don’t count on it!
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No, you are not selfish (in my opinion).

You are a young 24 year old who wants to start a new life with her love, not her love and his grandma. That would be a little weird actually. I don't know too many 24 year olds that would want to do that. Where are his parents? They should be doing it. How old is she? Is she not capable of living alone?
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He is your first love and you’ve had all these plans and goals in your mind and heart. But it’s not working out the way you planned. So the possibility of breaking up is rearing it’s head and it’s very painful to look at. At 24 most guys are out wanting to start a career, go to school, get a better car, not hunkering down with grandma. It’s great for him to care for her but for me the writing on the wall is that you will always be number 2 as long as she is alive. He’s expressing that already. Move on. Grieve. And then go on with a good life. When you find a good man you’ll thank yourself.
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You are not selfish. You are SMART. Please don’t move in
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After 7 years, ask him if he's ready for a permanent commitment - like marriage -and make SURE he isn't looking for a live-in caretaker for grandma.
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bundleofjoy Jan 2022
i'm sure there are exceptions...

but generally rose87, i guess:

if a man/woman aren't married after 7 years, maybe it's not meant to be.

shouldn't there have been some fire, some passion/urgency in wanting to get married?

of course, getting married too quickly is also a problem.

there is no magic formula (or maybe there is)...

just be careful rose87.
you want a man who has your best interests at heart, who is passionately in love with you, who can't wait to spend time with you, etc.

i wish 2022 to be magical for all of us, on this website :).

bundle of joy :)
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Imo, bf is looking for sonnets to take care of his grandma. Why can't his mom take care of her mom?
Why can't she go to assisted living? Why can't a caretaker be hired to be with her? You would be stepping into a rabbit hole and eventually there will be no way out till grandma passes. That's probably why bf mom isn't caring for her. DON'T MOVE IN!
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Your feelings are valid; however, this is a tough decision to make. Love is a terrible thing to divide. I really don't think your boyfriend understands what he is getting himself into. Caregiving is a lot of work and being at this young age, it can be a problem.
Sometimes we have to make difficult decision and that is where you find yourself. What first has to happen is pray to God and ask Him for the decision; however, be prepared for whatever the decision is. Second, once you get the word from God, explain to him that this decision comes from Holy Spirit and I am doing as told. Your boyfriend may or may not understand depending on the decision.
Sometimes as the other scenario, your boyfriend just may be afraid to tell you that you guys are at the end of the rope and he wants you to call it off. Something to think about!

Just be prayerful in your decision and here's hoping that the decision is suitable for all parties involved.

You are in my prayers!
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NO, don't move in!! Lots of questions. Does your boyfriend work? Why is he living with Grandma? Does she need a caregiver or is it for his convenience?
These are questions to consider, but I would not move in.
Best wishes.
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