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Never count on another to make you happy. You don't say if you live on you own but if not Get your own place and make a home.I would suggest not living in this situation.I did once and it wasn't good.Got along with my mother-in-law but just wasn't my home.Resentment didn't help my relationship with hubby.Maybe later he can move in if you still have feelings for him.But a word of advice,this guy has no intention of growing up and being independent or responsible for himself.He sounds like he might just be using this as a commitment dodge and I don't advocate marriage for everyone. You can not change people so what you see is what you will live with. Look deeper into his motives for living with his grandma.Ask yourself What does he do for her? take her places,cooks,cleans,buys groceries or is he just there for free?Company?He could always visit her while living with you. If any of these are an answer NO please respect yourself and move on.Or are you using this relationship as a crutch so your life doesn't need to change either.Living on your own is very scary but relationship that lasts for 7 years and are described as DATING is a TELL on your part.After 7 years there is no dating.Maybe you just need the push to move on. Good luck
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You are not being selfish. You just want what almost every other young woman your age wants. It is a natural "next step" in life. However, I have to say that your boyfriend sounds like he has one excellent trait: he values family and family responsibility. That is a very good trait that a lot of young men do not have, and it will serve him well in his adult life. That being said, you just have to make a decision on whether having your own home is more important than his commitment to family. There a couple of things that you and he could look into. Could someone else in the family move in with his grandmother? Maybe there is someone who would like the free housing. Or, you and he could consider whether it would be an option to find a house that had a "mother-in-law" suite or a small house attached or detached on the property. They she would have someone looking out for her and you and he would have your own area as well. If you have a good man in your life, and you love him, I would not break up with him just because it is not the ideal situation. Believe me, it is almost impossible to find a good man out there who does not have some kind of baggage that comes with him.
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con3ill Jan 2022
If there is, in fact, free housing for him, that may be a hidden priority in his life choices and hesitancy to move. It's up to LW to confirm that, not for the rest of us, so I'll leave it there.
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Hell to the NO!
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I guess I won't even mention what I think, just on your brief narrative, of your boyfriend. Doesn't want to leave his grandma alone? Please. You're going to end up as the primary caregiver and that's a fact. Let's see, he doesn't want a place of your own, he doesn't want to leave his grandma who could be only minutes away, and even his family is OK with you moving in. Hmmmmm. What happens to your relationship if you decide you don't want to move in? At your age, you really don't know what life holds or can be. Its up to you to decide how it can be. But it sounds like he wants what will make him happy. I'm not even sure its as much concern for Granny as it is financial consideration. Have you told your boyfriend how you feel? Did you get an answer that amounts to an "either or" ultimatum? If you are given only the one option of moving in with Granny, everyone reading this will know what you should do and everyone will know that its difficult at your age to understand. It's rare indeed that a man in his mid twenties will change personalities, much, going forward. If he insists on doing it his way, then at least consider just not moving in. If there results that ultimatum, even a veiled, mild one, everyone reading this knows how this will go. It's up to you then to decide if you can live with that kind of life. There are people your age that are not only out on their own but have already started building a future that doesn't include living with Granny. I have a bad feeling for all this, and so do you or you wouldn't be here. You have the option to just not move in. You'll then have your answer if it means the relationship changes or ends which is a blessing that you may not appreciate...now. Later, most certainly.
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I feel you. You are not selfish for not wanting to move in and at the end of the day it's your choice. My husband like yours boyfriend lived with his mom for many many years before me coming into the picture so he was super guilty of leaving her alone. I tried so many time to convince him but it did not work. I am not telling you what to so because everyone story is different but.... I ended up.moving in and making the best out of it. I lived there for 3 loong years, his mom got ill which made it even worst. During that time I focused on my career and helping out in anything I could. I was not an angel , there were time I would cry and scream how unfair everything was, I got support from church etc. We were also to find someone else to care for her while we still cared for her from our place. Now , she should be dying in the next few years as she is in late stage alzheimers, and looking back it was very honorable from him to be loyal and ensure she was fine before we left. Ahhh. We have a beautiful baby and I have a 65k job. Things did not start how I would have wanted but I am with the man I love today. Again. I have seen many others not making it so only to can determine if you are in for it. You are young and can find someone else without a grandma but I assure you there will be something else you will not like. Life is tough but we can make it beautiful by focusing in the good . Wish you the best!
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Don't move in! If this not friend lives you he will make the marriage commitment, otherwise dump him and move on. Shaking up almost always ends in disaster.
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con3ill Jan 2022
Did you mean 'shacking up', the common term for cohabitation? I agree with you there.
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Is he living with his grandmother free of charge or for a small contribution? If so, this is an example of how he will deal with financial arrangements. He will not care for your comfort or happiness, he will just try to get something for free. RUN
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You are being smart to know you do not want to move into your boyfriend's grandmother's home. Moving in with your boyfriend, even in a house or apt of your own, is not the "start of your married life.". Getting married is the start of your married life,, not just living together. Make your "own home," with your own decorations and space, by yourself. Your relationship with your boyfriend will progress or not but should not dictate your living situation until or unless you really do get married.
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You are not ready to live together. Accept that and continue the relationship as it is if you are willing to wait to see if he will ever be ready. As his grandmother ages, it is you who is most likely to be saddled with her care if you move in.

Your dreams are more robust than marriage. Pursue them and wait and see if this relationship survives. Be open to relationships with new men. Your boyfriend is not ready to transition out of his grandmother’s home for what may be good and valid reasons. You have no choice but to accept that your differences are irreconcilable at this point. If you acquiesce and move in, you will resent everyone in the household and your relationship will falter. You haven’t said why his mother can’t take care of him
or his grandmother but there is another red flag on this horizon.

Your boyfriend has been belatedly honest enough to say that he is not willing to commit to your goals. Pursue your own goals, educational and career objectives and personal growth instead. If you want to wait to see if things will work out, do so, but put yourself first as you decide whether this is really a man you can’t live without. Based upon what you’ve said, I wonder if this is really the person you should strive to be with for the rest of your life. You are young enough to find another man who shares your dreams and is in a position to work with you to make them happen.
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You ARE still young. Let him move in with her and update your online dating profile. This guy is finally showing you who he is. Trust me - men do not change or grow up. This is who he is. You can do better.
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If you were my daughter, I would not recommend that you go right into caregiving at the age of 24 for someones grandma when you are just starting your adult life. And trust me, those intimate bathroom issues and dressing issues will fall on you, not her grandson. There are other people in his family that could help with her care...they just don't want to and your boyfriend jumping in is allowing them not to have to. This can't be your problem...

If you love him and you think he is your future, continue to date him, but let him work this out with his family on his own. He has to find his voice with the other members of his family and not put you in the role of caregiving as a band-aide so the others don't have to do anything.

Pursue your own goals, live your life, get an apartment of your own and let this play out. If it is meant to work out, it will, but that can't be contingent on you moving in to help with grandma. It doesn't sound like he is ready to move out and be on his own. He needs to do that to be his own man before he moves in with you and you need to do the same.
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Don't do it...It is her home and not your boyfriends. Your responsibilities will be elevated for certain and you will share the burden of her care. If you're his true love, a girl friend and not an additional care giver you need your own space. I remember helping a friend with his mother many years ago. I was quite young at the time. They gave me a key to the house. The family moved out of state and I was left as a primary care giver - Interesting. It wasn't a job I requested I just got eased into it. I did everything from changing diapers to cleaning waste washing sheets and cooking the perfect not one second more than 3 minute egg. Don't get eased into being a care giver. If you want to help that's nice but feeling guilty about not having or wanting to move into someone else's space is not realistic. Start your life the way you will share your life. If grandma can't live by her self help him find the right kind of support unless he wants to continue to live there but under no circumstances should you feel guilty about not wanting to move in with "his grandmother"...'Girlfriend' not his wife and it will never be your home it will be exactly what it is.
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Been there, done that: he's not the one. I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you want to hear. But trust me when I say that you will someday find someone who is excited to marry you, and you'll look back on this one as the starter relationship that went on a few years too long, despite the signs you were given (the guy not wanting to get married even after 7 years is a big one). I wouldn't be so blunt if I hadn't been through it. I was even your age when I finally moved on. The man I met after that was the one.

I know that, at your age, you're worried that you won't meet someone else. Maybe you've seen your first gray hair and are thinking "who will I meet now?" Again, I know those thoughts because I've been there. What you don't realize is that you're at the prime age to be meeting new people and figuring out what you want in a partner. If you want kids, you easily have a decade or more to meet someone who will eventually become the father of your children. If you don't want kids, you have even longer. There is someone out there for you, someone who isn't reluctant to spend his life with you, someone who puts you first. Trust me on this.
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Katefalc Jan 2022
not to mention she will be cleaning grandmas poop and pee and dressing and bathing her.
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Please Rose87, do not move in with your boyfriend into his grandmothers home. I know others have told you this, and the words out of your mouth are “yeah, but…”. It will be a huge mistake for you. If your boyfriend insists and gives you no alternatives, then please, move on. You’ve already said you’ve felt “strung along” and now he says he can’t leave his grandma alone. DO NOT let him continue to string you along. I can tell by your post you already know you won’t be happy in grandmas house. Trust me, you’ll be even more unhappy when you have to start dedicating all your extra time caring for grandma and all your extra money goes into caring for her. If your boyfriend wants that for his life, fine. But it doesn’t have to be your life.

You will be making a hard, grown up decision not to get roped into this situation. But it’s the right decision for you.

Breakups always suck big time. No way around that. But do not trap yourself where you ALREADY know you don’t want to be in his grandmas house.

You are young, and there will be other boyfriends. I know you don’t want to hear that, but trust in older peoples advice, 24 yrs is so very young to get saddled with elder care. Please move on. Stay strong, keep your eyes on your goals and your future.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
You are so right! If I’m unhappy about it now, it’ll only grow if I cave in! Fortunately we talked more and he agreed, hopefully he follows through because there ain’t no way that I’m moving in but just thinking about breaking up is overwhelming hopefully I won’t need to. Thank you so much for your reply I’m taking everything heart!
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I see more to this than the issue of 'your own home, your own decorations', etc. The 'boyfriend' has been stringing the letter-writer along for years, and now drops the news that he's not ready to leave Grandma's home. If not now, when? That's a question to which LW may never get an answer. Instead, it is likely that LW will be eased gradually enough that she doesn't notice it, into a caregiver role for free. I also have to wonder if Grandma is letting 'boyfriend' live there rent-free, which would be a big incentive for him to stay put. Last but far from least, the long-term inpact on 24-year-old LW's earning history if the caregiving duties restrict her ability to be gainfully employed, earning SS credits, without legal standing as a spouse. She should stop throwing good intentions after bad, but at age 24 she may not feel that way. I wouldn't be so harsh if I hadn't gone through the "if only I could be good enough, then [boyfriend] would make my dreams come true". No, doesn't look that way from here. He wants free rent and a free caregiver, in my opinionated opinion. She doesn't need to be 'good enough' for him and Grandma. She needs to be good enough for herself.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
That’s what I was asking him, after seven years you don’t feel ready or don’t want to make this step with me on our own? At that point I knew that my love for him was more mature than his. Yes he lives rent free (gm owns the house, he only pays internet) and he’s told me many times that we could save money living there but I rather pay expensive rent in LA than be eased into a caregiver position and not having that privacy. Thank you very much for your reply! Reading it made me think, “Yes! I need to be good enough for myself!”
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dont do it ! You will be MISERABLE and you will end up doing all the work and caregiving and In the end you own nothing !
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Rose87 Jan 2022
Literally! She’s planning on selling the house so we’ll be homeless for a while after and having problems between us because I was someone’s maid for many years! Thank you for your reply!!!
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Just don't do it. Period. This may sound awful but if you do you could then be expected to take care of his grandmom. Further down the road if you threaten to leave he might try threatening you with withholding any monies you two have together.
That's an ugly possible scenario, but so many on this site speak of how time-consuming and backbreaking it is taking care of an elder in their own home, and how badly they need relief. Don't put a pretty toe inside that house.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
Glasswall1, you have my word I will not put a toe inside that living situation! That’s a horrible scenario that has happened to other people so it could happen to me. (Although I don’t think he would hold money we never know what the future could hold), thank you for the reply and affirming my way of thinking!
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Please trust your instincts. You know deep in your heart that this is not the right path for you. It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you, but he wants to use you to take care of his Grandmother for free. Your "prime marriage" years are being wasted with someone who appears to not to have your best interests at heart. Remember - this is not a marriage situation. Not by a long shot. Don't consider it one.

Please don't waste your your young life being treated this way.
Time to focus on jobs, schooling, getting your own place, possibly finding a kind and good hearted husband who will love and respect you, and will put your needs first.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
Hi LavenderBear, it’s been very hard deciphering what my heart is telling me more. In part there is so much love and doesn’t want to let go and the other that thinks that nothing will change. Meanwhile my heart tries to find out what’s up, I let him know what I accept and don’t accept and through a lot of talking he agreed. I put my ball in his court so its now up to him to save the relationship or else unfortunately I will grow out of it. In the meantime like you said I’m going to focus on myself. Thank you for your reply!
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Although you love the guy and respect his family, maybe it's time for a little break. Tell him you need to think about the arrangement he is suggesting, then go radio silent for about a week. Tell him you need to really think and no call or texts or visits. If in that time he doesn't reconsider or come up with some plans other than you and he caring for g'ma in her home, then it's likely time to make a more permanent break. You need to make your life. You can't surrender it for cargiving before it's even begun.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I did this, thank you so much for the suggestion and advice, although it was two or thee days I think, he came to my house ready to listen and agreed to living elsewhere. Hopefully he follows through! Thank you for the insightful reply, helped the process!
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I don't like what I'm about to say. I'm twice your age and sometimes with age comes wisdom but not always.
Your boyfriend doesn't want to get a place with you. He likes things the way they are and that will not change. He's using his grandmother as an excuse for why he won't make any real committment to you. He will let you become grandma's live-in caregiver when she will need one and God knows for how long that could be. He will not marry you though.
You're 24 years old and have your whole life ahead of you. Move on with it and find a man who wants a adult relationship and isn't afraid of committment.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I don’t know why you don’t like what you said, it’s very helpful and I agreed with it! I agree in part his grandma was part of his excuse to not make big boy decisions and I see that so clearly now that now my heart doesn’t sink low over the thought of him not wanting yet from the start. He says he wants now but we’ll see, meanwhile I won’t wait for it and will continue with my life not expecting it from him. Hopefully though he hustles up and proves us wrong because well im in love and I’d really like that but I won’t wait more than a few months. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it!
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So how old is the grandma? What kind of health is she in? Is she independent? I'm curious but honestly, those are really beside the point.

You do not want to be a caregiver; you want to be married to your love and have your own life. Exactly the same way I (age 19) was when I first married my husband and his family thought they could ship their dad off to us to live with us and me take care of. He had emphysema. And it was like, NO!! I told my husband no. I don't think he wanted to either, but he was always eager to keep the peace and please everyone. But I think secretly he was glad that I was the one who said no.

So, I was very surprised when my "grandson-in-law" ( 25) announced he was getting married (she is 22) and he would live with her in her grandma's house. They are very happy. I don't understand it.

I spent a career as an RN, but am just now caregiver to Mom who is in her 90's for about 5 years. It's hard sometimes, but I am comfortable doing it now, but never ever could have done this at a younger age.

You are NOT selfish. You just want a different life, and that is good and fine. Hopefully, your boyfriend will change his mind, but if not, it is much better you find that out now, than being trapped in a life you do not want. I wish you a very good and happy life.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
If your gransdon-in-law and his girl are happy living with her grandmother, more power to them. Multi-generational living and caregiving works for some people. Not others.
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Grandma's house, but the real controller is the boyfriend's MOTHER.

When 'the family' has an event at Grandma's big house, orchestrated by his Mother, gathering there, you will not be a guest, but a server, unable to 'not attend'.

The kitchen will be available at all times for grandma, you won't be able to cook, then eat, without cleaning up before you eat.
You cannot cook during when grandma is using her kitchen, because his Mom says.

Mother is so controlling that you are invited at the last minute to go to her house for dinner, 3-4 times per week, intermittently. She is, after all, doing you a favor. The groceries you just bought spoil in Grandma's refrigerator, so you won't be able to budget food properly. You cannot say No to the dinners, because (still boyfriend) already said yes, and Mother already cooked.

The Mother, not grandma, will invite a wayward brother to stay in the room across the hall from your room(s), no longer private. He will steal from you.
You cannot say no to him living there.

After Grandma goes to bed at 8:00, you must be very quiet.

On a Saturday morning, his Mother walks into your rooms, unannounced, and rustles the two of you out of bed at 9:00 a.m., saying, why are you still in bed, as she starts picking up your clothes off the floor.

When you discuss leaving to get a place of your own, he cancels at the last minute, after checking with Mom. You have an argument, and (still boyfriend) pushes you so you almost fall down the stairs. It does not occur to you that boyfriend is employed by Mom & Dad's business, and is not free to have a life.
Sounds like a 'Dallas' soap opera, doesn't it?

The next morning, the Mother appears on scene to take you to her doctor for your depression. The doctor tells you to leave immediately.

You are not in control, Mother is.
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bundleofjoy Jan 2022
unfortunately true:

some family members are tyrants - and they behave much worse the more time you spend with them.

it's often an older woman against a younger woman.

but of course, tyrants can be both female/male.
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Get the book "OutDated" by Jonathan "JP" Pokluda and read it. It will help you frame what a healthy dating relationship should look like. This is not one. You guys are comfortable together because it's all you've known in your teens/early adulthood. You don't want to marry someone you can live with--You want to be with someone you can't be without. It is plain that he has made his grandmother his priority over you. If it's that way before you get married it will only get worse afterward. I think you need to be the adult in the relationship, and tell him "Thanks for the memories, but I'm going to go find a man who is ready to treat me like the most important person in his life. I will not play second to Grandma. I hope you have a happy life with Grandma."
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
Agreed. My mother always said couples who date for years and years at a time is because one has different feelings than the other and it is using someone. Keeping them around but at arm's length in case someone they like better comes along.
I dated my first husband for almost ten years. I didn't want to get married. More truthfully is I didn't want to get married to him. I did and we were divorced soon after because it was wrong. It was wrong to marry him and wrong to have strung him along in all those years of dating. So I let him go. He found a good woman and remarried not long after and good for him. I was very happy for him and still am. We're friends and that's what we were supposed to be all along.
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Run for your life as fast as you can!
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Rose87 Jan 2022
Haha I decided to walk while he sits around. Thank you for the laugh!
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My only question here is: Where is the mother / father? It's not a grandson's job, but the children of grandma.
He sounds like a mama's boy, and easily controlled by them. He doesn't sound ready to get married. If his parents were any kind of parents, they would encourage their son to fly the coop and live on his own.
Once you marry someone and you establish your boundaries with each others families, THEN, you can step in and help. Otherwise, you will be in for a surprise you didn't ask for. He needs to grow up, and so do you.
Talk to him about this. Tell him you are going to get your own place, and the ball is in his court. If he is ALL Grandma had, it would be different. But that doesn't sound like the case here.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
Hi Ella, his father is absent and his mom moved out a while ago and is with her boyfriend. The children of grandma are not living with her so he feels like he has to stay and be with her so she won’t be alone. And just like you said I tell him that it shouldn’t be his responsibility but his mom’s or aunts. His mom barely calls him so I wouldn’t say that he’s a mama’s boy but I can see how he can be influenced. I agree with you he isn’t ready, wasn’t, he says he is now and agrees to live alone with me. But actions speak louder and him not seeking a solution or not taking my solutions to these barriers that he’s putting ONLY until I said that I was going to keep growing with or without him don’t give me crazy hope. It’s in his court now, so I’m being patient and not getting ahead of myself. Thank you so much for your reply! I Really appreciate it!
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You said it best with your First Sentence. Only YOU feel this way. I think you know what to do next....dump the boyfriend. It will be hard - but move on.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
So very hard… I want to give it a few more months so that I can at least say in the end that at least I tried really hard…
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I really do agree with all who are against you committing to such a relationship.
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I agree with CTTN55, JoAnn29 and others……Many points to be taken in for your own well being. But I will say this to hopefully help you "think" about it....

Since he is “the last of his family to take care of her” I wonder what the reasons are. Are her children/his parents still working and no one is retired?
Is you boyfriend the youngest?
Do they financially help him?  
Does grandmother get social security?
Is there not enough money to properly pay for her to be cared for?
Is her house hers and paid off?
Does she have a trust? And if so what does it say….all of it.
Will he offer you a fair written agreement to your benefit?
You do not end up being the 90% caregiver without chance of sultivating your own career. He cannot have that level of freedom.

As for how it could possibly benefit you: If you have a legally dated agreement, notary stamped….
You and boyfriend set up all elements legally before you pack a paper bag to move in.
You establish how you will have your own personal income and/or education ( you can do it online ) in writing. Notary.
You establish the expectation of respect and proper human treatment from “all’ of his family, Grandma inclluded. In writing. Notary.
You establish how the two of you will have privacy and “date nights”. In writing. Notary.
You work at creating a realistic future that benefits you both independently and as a couple. In writing. Notary.
You have your own private savings account that You are not obligated to share with him. In writing. Notary.
( Go to your bank where you are a customer for Notary Services. A small fee. )

There are so many more points I would like to metion. But I write this out because it is clear that you want to deal with him, but his first loyalty should be to you and your future together. Keep in mind that taking care of his grandmother could possible be of benefit to you if she leaves you ( or both of you ) her paid for house. The rest of the family can work out their own financial futures.
And yes….you are too young to be so deeply connected to a young man with estabished ties. At 24, it may not feel like you are “too young” but life is to be lived and not sacrificed unless it is a healthy choice you make.  
I live in the midst of a culture where “family is everything” and there are families with many children, aunties, uncles, grandparents and there is a specific kind of love involved. I myself was not born and raised in that type of mindset, but I do appreciate certain elements of that and have learned much from that demo of living. I left home at 20 yrs old and allowed myself to be tied to a dominating, experienced man. Years passed and although I have since long ago left and have a better life. But I will never get back the years I wasted and will never get back the growth I could have had. Life can be really good, but “life” is work….so make it work for you at nobody else’s expense in whatever road you take. You are smart enough to question your situation now so you you stand a great chance of having the control over your own life that you should. Let everyone know how things work out!
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naia2077 Jan 2022
Great insight and wise advice!
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I really do agree with all who are against you committing to such a relationship.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I inside agree too but I want to give it one last chance after giving him the wake up call and if I see that it’s the same I’ll let us fade apart naturally. And if I see that im more unhappy than not then I have to say enough. Idk It’s really hard…
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Time to put on your Big Girl panties! Big. Red. Flags.!! You're way too young to continue being strung along, and highly possible caregiver for Grandma and later (guess what) his Mom too after Grandma passes! Doesn't sound like he's mature enough for a normal adult commitment. You deserve better, and the right mature man will come along at the right time... just be patient. You'll be happier with a "Mr Right, not Mr. Right Now." As others have posted, YOU will eventually become a caregiver. Get your own place/space, put yourself first! The Handwriting (future) is on the Wall-just don't move in!!
Wishing you Strength & Confidence🙏. (())
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Rose87 Jan 2022
That’s what I told him, his love for me is not an adult love, and the love that we have for each other is different. My love made me ready but not him and letting time do it’s thing is my small way of letting the relationship take its time to die out if he doesn’t stand up and mature for it. Hopefully he is my Mr. Right (and shows me soon) because I’m gonna have to choose what’s right for me soon. Oh and I tell him that too! Later on we’ll be our parents caretakers but that’s way into the future and we shouldn’t be having to do that just yet and instead his mom + older family should step in :( thank you for wishes and reply, I greatly appreciate!
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