My husband is in middle stages of dementia, home with me. No other family/friends to help. He's awaiting spinal surgery for leg weakness and falling. He falls a lot, inside and out. He refuses to allow a respite caregiver so I can go out w/out worrying about him. And no, he won't fall for the "housekeeper" guise or other fiblits. Every time I have to go out (rarely and never more than 2 hrs) he promises to stay inside and watch his re-runs. But today I came home to find out he climbed up on a tall ladder with a machete to trim some oak tree branches. As he was telling me it was no big deal, he tumbled backwards and fell on his back. Thankfully he was on the ground at the time. Another time I came home to find him in a hole he'd dug. He was covered in dirt, dehydrated, calling my name, forgetting that I'd gone to the doctor.
I'm totally burned out/frustrated/exhausted and furious. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I feel myself going cold and hard inside. Like a switch has flipped. I have no more cares to give. I'm not good at the cheery "Hey, let's do this instead of that" approach because he does what he wants regardless. There are days when we still connect as a couple and I think it's not time yet for AL/MC. Other days I fantasize about it.
Is it time? And if so, how in the world do you get someone like him to agree to that? Any advice is appreciated.
Get him placed where he'll be safe and reclaim your sanity. You don't need to get bogged down with guilt or obligation because it's a necessary and right thing to do.
It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to your husband to keep him and others safe from his failing mind. Try to comfort yourself that you have already done all that you possibly can do.
I can soooo relate. I don't think there is a hard and fast rule but when he is not able to be safe and you are not safe caring for him. It's time. My husband is not quite as far as yours sounds. But I fear it's coming....
I am seeing some of the same types of behaviors with my 61 yo husband. It's as if he were still 25 and strong like bull... even with HX of two strokes,...He will drive up north and work himself almost to death at our cabin, or he will walk on the roof like it's sticky, or he'll climb ladders, use chainsaws and try to fix up 25 year old cars, bring greasy dirty tools inside our clean home... All the norms of our 40 years have gone out the window, logic and rational thinking is impaired.. but he can behave completely normally at times. Receptive communication is impaired and impulsiveness and strange things continue..... off and on gaah. Blessings.. this is a rough season. We are all with you. It really does help to vent.. sometimes I just pray pray for God's wisdom to be given to me...
When there is care available use it.
When he is in a safe place, then your visits are in your control, if it is a good day and connection is there, great. If he is obstinate, tell him you have an appt and go.
You can't live with someone who is illogical and keep your sanity.
And, yes, it's time.
Your husband may need an channel his attention, you said he was trying to do things that fix or repair areas in and around your home. He may like to tinker with broken things and try to fix them, or some hobbies where you can buy a kit and construct a bird house, if there are things around the house that he can repair, alarm clocks, furniture that is made of wood and needs to be sanded and repainted. hinges on cabinets, door knobs, any type of fix it or build it type of things, this could be a solution to your feelings of being his only outlet, besides food and television. Remember that there are so many aspects to each of us, and because we lose the ability to think the way we used to and move the way we used to we still need to feel a sense of accomplishment. This is just my opinion, and advice, I hope it helps. Have a good night.
I apologize if this reply repeats other responses. From what I read, it seems like now is the time for your unfortunate husband to be placed in a facility. It is not an easy decision to make but his and your personal safety need to be considered.
This is my suggestion: The next time he falls, dial 911 and have him brought to the ER. You may have to insist he go. Once he is in the ER, tell everyone you encounter that you are no longer able to keep him safe at home. Tell the person who checks you in, the triage nurse, the nurse who cares for him in the ER, and the provider (either the physician or nurse practitioner, whichever one sees him) you are unable to keep him safe at home. Let them know all of his unsafe behaviors. Ask if there is a social worker to whom you can speak and get advice. Hopefully, he will be admitted for geriatric psych evaluation and following that, placed in a facility close enough for you to visit.
This sounds simple but it can be incredibly anxiety and guilt-provoking. There is no reason to feel guilty and yet that is what happens when we decide to take this step. Just keep reminding yourself about his unsafe behaviors and keep in mind how much worse you feel if something drastic were to happen at home.
We tried to keep our Mom at home but because of her dementia, she just could not be reasoned with. She wanted to continue to drive and live on her own but her unsafe behaviors would just not allow it. She has extreme memory loss and sundowning, which made her impossible to deal with every afternoon into the evening.
She is now in a very good facility and we go to visit frequently. Sadly, she still asks about when she will be going back home but we are afraid if we try it, we will be back to square one or worse.
I wish you all the best, I hope there is someone in the family or a friend or priest or pastor you can speak with for emotional support.
Thanks for reaching out!