I am new to this forum and seeking advice in how to move forward in my relationship with my fiancé. Right now, he is the caregiver of his 96 year old grandmother, 60 year old father with mental health issues, and 60 year old uncle that also has severe mental health issues. His grandmother, father and uncle live together, however my fiancé cares for the house they live in (general upkeep, lawn care, cleaning) and checks in every other day or so to make sure everyone is "OK". Fiance lives with me and my two children (ages 8 and 10 from previous marriage), I have no family nearby and zero help with my kids etc. We both work full time jobs and I am the breadwinner of the home.
When we first met and for the first few years of his relationship, he would stop in to see his family and help out but it wasn't a focus on our entire relationship and everything that we do. He was able to balance both. In the past year, his grandmother had several hospital stays and has required more. He has had to take off work several times to take her to doctors appointments during the day, does not get paid when this happens. I had to pick up the slack when he is taking off work and not getting paid which puts more financial pressure on me and our family. His grandmother treats his father and uncle like children and although they both have mental health issues, I do believe they could do more around the house so that my fiancé didn't need to come over and clean, do the yard work and have this huge responsibility when he is newly engaged trying to have a family of his own. I feel his family puts a lot of onto him and does not view him as a man with a family but one that is still single without outside responsibilities himself.
My fiancé is overworked, stressed and it has completely changed the relationship that we have. I do not have extra time to help with my job and young children at home and my own responsibilities. His grandmother refuses to go to a nursing home. It seems like this current situation is non-sustainable with how stressed out my fiancé is and his inability to be fully present with my children now. We have put our wedding plans on hold since the sole focus has been on his family and their needs and he is so upset and stressed from it all. He tells me he feels very guilty if he is not helping out his grandmother all the time since his dad isn't doing it. I feel like he is taking out his guilt and stressed out on me and when he has responsibilities within our house. Not sure what the answer is? I love this man but it doesn't feel like an end is in sight. I am stressed, tired and resentful since I feel I am holding too much of the financial burden and have two kids myself to support. Thanks.
If you want to continue a relationship with him, that's your business, but separate everything else in your life from him, including his residence. DO NOT get married to him, or you'll be on the hook to support him and who knows who else.
There is no end in sight unless you can see 20 years or more in the future.
His dad and uncle both in their 60's could live another 20, 30 or more years.
Do you want to wait that long?
His grandmother, if she remains at home will continue to need more and more care. If the father and uncle do not do their share then it will eventually ALL fall on your "betrothed's" shoulders to care for her. You think he is devoting a lot of time now...just wait.
Sit down and discuss with him your VERY VALID feelings, and concerns.
If he does not want to have caregivers come in and do what he is doing, hire people to do the lawn and other work that he is doing then sad to say I do not see a future for you that has a happy marriage in it, at least with him.
I think stepping away is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your kids.
If he is living in YOUR house tell him that he can move in with grandma, dad and uncle.
If you are living in HIS house then begin looking for a place you can afford for you and your kids.
If the house is owned jointly that might pose a bit more of a problem and you will have to consult an attorney.
If you love him and he loves you he can begin to "court" you again once his priorities are in line.
In the meantime you begin living your life for yourself and caring for your kids.
As much as you say you love him, I hope and pray that you realize that you and your children deserve much better, and as hard as it may be, that you make the changes necessary, not only for yourself but your children as well, so they will learn what a real loving relationship is supposed to look like. Because what you have now isn't it.
Best wishes to you and your children.
This wasn't the case for the first few years of our relationship, although once we got engaged it changed.