I'm 33 and a part time caregiver to my grandma whom I live with. But I feel like haven't a chance to really live. Never lived away from my parents or grandma. Never been married even though wish for that one day. My grandma is 90 with dementia. I used to work from home and my mom who would come over to help my grandma refused to get help until she had no choice. When I started my new job at a hospital, she had to get help to alleviate burden. But most morning and evenings I'm with her except two days a week when my parents are there. My aunt helps on special occasions and when I work every other weekend. But I can't make spontaneous plans to do anything. I feel like I can't date because how maintain a relationship or start one when confined to babysit my grandma. I'm working to save to move out and when able to apply to higher paying job will try. But I feel like past year my life been sucked away. My grandma has dementia, diabetes and get dizzy and feel like good years of my life being sucked away. Anyone who never been married living with a relative caregiver to and hate and feel like youth being drawn from them? I never wanted to be a caregiver like this. I was living with my grandma, and this got thrown on me. She is very needy, and my mother gets to go home Thursday through Monday afternoon while me and my aunt take care of her. It better than when I wasn't working outside the home, but I wonder when it'll end. My grandma has money, and we pay the sitters, but she only wants ppl from her religious congregation. My parents are overbearing and overprotective treating me like a teenager when they want and then like a adult when it comes to burdening me with this responsibility. Anyone else hate feeling like life being drained being a caregiver when never asked for it?
Some families are selfish and look for ways to hoard money. You are thirty three. Start telling your mother you need breaks to get things done for yourself. Start with hair and nail appointents after work. Your mother can get huffy all she wants, but don't allow her or other family members try to lay a guilt trip on you. Take in an occasional movie and dinner out with friends. You should be training for a better job, taking courses, dating and such. Dating has its own challenges, so tread carefully. Get some therapy to get a perspective on your life. Grandma will come last on your schedule. While you are baby sitting grandma, you can do online therapy, and online classes. Make this work for you. You can even FaceTime your friends and any prospective dating mates.( I'm trying to keep one as generic as possible.)
Therapy helps in these situations. It taught me to stand up to these domineering types.
My Mom lived to be 98, are you ready to continue this caregiving for 5 to 8 more years? Then guess what might happen, either your Aunt or your Mom might need caregiving help for themselves. Yikes!!
You need to break this never ending cycle. You need to work full-time so there will be funds for your Social Security and for Medicare. And your grandmother needs to hire 3 shifts of caregivers to help her. If she can't budget that, then there is nothing wrong with moving to a nursing home where she will have a village to care for her, and your Mom and Aunt can go back to being "daughters", and you her "grand-daughter".
It's time for you to spread your wings and leave the nest.
Why? You know it’s wrong of them to expect so much. Please get help to get out and have your own life. You don’t need anyone’s approval. Someone will take care of grandma if you get out of there.
Why did you opt to move in with your grandma years ago instead of getting an apartment with some friends where you could have started living and enjoying your life then?
Most of us older folks on here(notice I didn't say old, but older)left home at the age of 18 and got on with our lives, and here you are at the age of 33, still living with your grandma. I wonder why the delay in growing up and spreading your wings to fly and getting out on your own.
You now at the age of 33 have to become an adult and tell your family that you will no longer be grandmas part-time caregiver, as you'll be moving out by Oct. 15th. That will give them a month to figure out grandmas care and for you to get your ducks in a row to move.
You say that you parents treat you like a teenager, so to stop them from doing that, you'll have to start acting like an adult. Try it, you'll like it, I promise.
Only you can take the steps to change your circumstances, and I hope you'll do just that.
Only you can make decision for your own choices in your adult life. As an adult you will weigh what you think best for your own life and you will come to a conclusion and make your decision. Thereafter, whatever decision you chose, will have repercussions.
In realizing and accepting that your grandmother has lived her own life, and you are deserving of one also, you will bear the grief of being able only to support her with quality visits and a kind heart. You will get on with your own life and your own job and a family if you choose to have one.
In deciding rather that you owe your life to your grandmother I will only caution you that when she's gone (and elders often live to 100 now) there will be your parents on the horizon. You stand in a position that may "require" you sacrifice your entire life on the funeral pyres of your relatives.
But be certain, these are decisions.
And they are YOUR decisions.
So, as an adult you will have to weigh them and make them.
And you will be responsible for those decisions.
Whatever decision you decide is best for your own life I must trust you to make best you can. I can only wish you the best of luck in what is the life journey. It is one of choosing which path you will take over and over again, hoping against hope you made the best choice.
Good luck to you.
Very often on this forum we see that the OP’s family is not helping and everything is devolving to one lucky victim, I mean caregiver. I see that your aunt and mother are caregivers too but this is THEIR mother and they have already had their lives as young people and in your mom’s case at least, got to choose to marry and have children. I think you have to stop focusing on what everyone else is or is not doing and accelerate your plans to escape so that you can marry, can have the career and experiences you want, without this overwhelming burden that should not be yours in the first place.
Do you have a timeframe for when you are going to move out?
Until you make the decision to be independent yourself, you'll be expected to help take care of your grandmother I guess. Everything in life carries a price tag.
Good luck.