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smcbeth1, you speak for a lot of spouse-caregivers. You married a young, healthy guy who earned a good living, had interests, and wanted to take care of himself. Now he has changed the rules, and you are PISSED. Me too! I find myself thinking, "What are you, stupid? It's right there." So you are not a bad person for feeling like that. Not at all.

The reason to get rid of your resentment is so that you can be happy. If you're religious, then your other motive is to be more like the Buddha or like Jesus, but the best reason is to make yourself happier.

What has helped me is to repeat over and over, "He can't help it. It's the disease." It's 98% true. The other 2% is that he too is pissed at what has happened to him. His anger is aimed at the universe, not at you. It hits you and upsets you, for sure, but it isn't aimed at you.

Another thing that helps is to step back from your own very real misery. Think about his suffering, his shame at not being the man he was, his dependence on you. Let your compassion rise, and feel the flow of love for him as a wounded creature. Express your sympathy. "I bet you wish you could do this yourself." "Isn't it a pain how complicated they make these remotes?" With luck, he will soften, be nicer and easier to love. Even if he doesn't, you have briefly transformed yourself from a resentful drudge into a wise, strong, compassionate person who deserves a pat on the back. Do pat yourself on the back, because no one else will!

The real lifesaver in our house is humor. When he orders you around, can you reply, "Yes, your lordship!" Lots of guys enjoy irritating their lady love. If you suspect he's like that, let him know in a super-dramatic way that he has succeeded in getting under his skin. If he laughs, everybody feels better. Let him win whenever you can. When he wins, everybody is happy.

It sure sucks, but there are things we can do to make it a bit easier. I hope I've helped a bit.
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Helpmefindmeplz: Sadly, your father is never going to be the same man he once was, so, too, has gone the "daddy's little girl" phrase. Please don't think you're the only one in this situation b/c we've all been there.
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Good answer, llamalover. I had the unfortunate experience of having my last good days with Dad stolen by a caregiver with transference issues(her Dad recently died of cancer)..she manipulated my Dad into treating HER like the daughter.
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I`m still Daddy's little girl, only now my role is the parent. There are still times when he says something like "get home before the bad weather sets in" which remind me that he still thinks he's Daddy. I've accepted my new role and although I wish I wasn't what I am, I know that if he could not have dementia, he'd choose to be the old Ted that he was, but it's the way it is and I try to make each of his days the best they can be for him. Once you accept it, you can move ahead.
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capearago: Thank you! And I'm so sorry for your unfortunate experience. How terrible that had to have been for you! Hugs going out to you...((( )))
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Lucysmom: That's right. The roles reverse. Best of luck. ((( ))) hugs...
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