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BTW - thought this interesting. This was posted by anne1017 on sept. 25, 2015. "We called AFS to report my Dad's wife for abuse. What all the answers say above were also the same for us. Most important outcome: You have on record that authorities were called to report an issue. No, you cannot get a copy but it can be subpoenaed if ever necessary. Plus , it is a good scare tactic." Nice.
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No restraining orders ever written, no things given to charity, no buying her off....who were you talking about? Who called the AFS? The Geriatric Care Manager through the advice of Dad's attorney. The attorney ,who had written to the spouses attorney over a year back , stated in the letter that if she was reported again by the caregivers steps would be taken to report her to AFS. That type of methodology , used as a good scare tactic, is certainly acceptable when giving someone a second or third chance to help to modify behavior. Yes, it in Nice.
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I'm going to go back to the original question. Does dad have any rights or does he have to live with the constant agitation of her popping in and out.

He could buy her out of her half of the house. You could inform her that you are moving her "stuff" to storage and that, under doctor's orders, you would appreciate it if she would sort her "stuff" there and not at the house.

It sounds as though she has some cognitive issues herself.
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I am suggesting your "scare tactics" worked. Wife moved out. Perhaps scare tactics explain why wife now pops in unannounced for very short visits to get her stuff. Perhaps a scared 90 yr old woman is reacting to your threats in the only way that makes sense to her - at 90 and being scared, she probably isn't thinking clearly. BTW - Scare tactics on a 90 year old woman coming from six adults? Sure seems like there's a lot more going on - history - that we could ever know when only hearing one side of this story. For every action there is a reaction. So here you are. What was the findings of the AFS investigation? Please don't reply with personal insults again. I have made no personal insults towards you - at least not until I was called a coffee drinking, mindless clique member with low self esteem trying to validate my existence. I had hope to suggest that the wife is reacting. That maybe if you played nice, she would react differently - in a way that would be better for everyone involved, especially dad. Now that more history involving threats, scar tactics and lawyers has come to light it seems pretty obvious that there can be no amicable resolution. How very sad for your father and the 35 years he devoted to his marriage.
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Whatever happened to being supportive and making helpful suggestions on this forum? Personal attacks, especially when we don't know the whole history, are not helpful.
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Funny, that was my point.
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Rain mom, you've made your point a number of times that you are supportive of the wife. Can that please stop already? This has gotten so far off track from the original question that is getting ridiculous. I keep getting noticed, thinking useful info is being posted but all I'm seeing is support of the wife and such. I think Anne has sufficiently explained the situation - numerous times. Thank you.
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Ummmm - stopped posting 21 hours ago but thanks for the kick in the ass - can't get enough of it!
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Good time to say "thanks". I thought it was okay to express an opposing point of view - even if I did carried away. But I guess I'm the first poster to ever do that. I enjoyed my time here, learned a lot and hopefully it's enough to navigate the world of dementia on my own from here. One strike - and I'm out.
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Rainmom, don't go. I haven't posted anything else on this because it was turning into a flame. I thought the thread had died yesterday, so was a bit chafed to see someone had revived it today for no reason. You are not alone in being sympathetic with the wife/stepmother. I could relate to what she must be going through and am a caregiver for a woman her age. There are always challenges.

I really thought about this. If the wife/stepmom comes by the house every week or two, this shouldn't be such a catastrophic disruption. We can't absolutely control the environments of people unless we lock them in a deserted place. I know around here we have events happen and the occasional visit. My mother does become more agitated during these times and the stress level is higher. It is all just part of life caring for a person with dementia. The paid caregivers should realize that. The OP lives in another state and visits sometimes, so most of her info probably comes from the caregivers.
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I feel for both the father and the wife. Sounds like both of them are suffering the effects of that dreaded disease, Dementia. Anne1017, I hope you can find a workable solution for your dad and your stepmother. My dad's second wife was a lousy stepmother, but a fantastic wife to my dad who loved him dearly. I am not sure what I would do if this situation happened to me.
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Oh I must add that I live two weeks with my Dad, one sister lives one week, and two other family members split the other time. Good thing we depend on being there so we can make fairer assessments and not just rely on third party observations. So sorry if someone might have though I was an infrequent visitor.
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Thank you "Army Retired" for your hopes for an workable solution. We would like to think we could at least find a friendly solution. I have received some good ideas.
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Sorry, I really want to stop this...but to be clear, this living situation has only been recent. Before that I was in residence about every eight weeks as she was traveling.
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Anne I've only just come across your thread here, so forgive me if I've missed crucial bits (I've also got a vile cold and my head is fuzzy, poor me!) - but your stepmother is 90, she's spending what time she does at the house mostly going through "Stuff" - do her kids have any concerns or plans about her future?

I did agree with one point that this is all pretty recent history in a long second marriage, so I imagine everybody's feeling kind of up in the air, aren't they? Any chance of a family summit to discuss ways forward?
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