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All, I i definitely understand your situation. Dealing with elderly parents is trying and can also be painful. I think it is even more painful, when you have to deal with parents who were rude and disrespectful in their younger years. I definitely believe that these types of individuals are basically selfish and only care about themselves. over the years I struggled as to whether I was going to take care of my parents because of that very reason. I think it is unfair to you and your family members if you put your self in a position to care for a parent who was unkind or mean when you were growing up. After years of dealing with these types of individuals it can't help but leave a negative impression on a person. I think in these types of situations it is very difficult to forgive, especially, it the individual (parent) is ignorant and does not possess the mentality to see the error of their own ways. I love my parents, but I don't like them very much, and as such I think given the feelings that I have, I don't think that it is fair to but them or myself in a caretaker situation.. I understand that financially everyone does not have the ability to hire in help. But in my situaiton I would much rather forfeit any inheritance I might receive and have them use it for their care for my peace of mind. I also think that I can be more of a comfort to them, oppose to be cleaning their butts, while they tell me how I am nothing, do nothing for them, and call me out of my name. I send prayers and blessings to you all, because dealing with an unkind aging parent is one of the most difficult tasks anyone can undertake. LAA
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My mom is 70 and treats me like a retard who can't piss off herself I can'e go see friends or my husband, can't even go get a cheeseburger if I want to can't do nothing. Feel like a prisoner have been depressed today going to try and go to school so I can make money and get the h*ll out and live my own life I DO NOT like being told what to do I am50 d*mn years old. I do love her but she is incredibly selfish. My husband's mom just jad brain surgery.
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My mom is 79 and treats me like a retard who can't piss off herself I can't go see friends or my husband, can't even go get a cheeseburger if I want to can't do nothing. Feel like a prisoner have been depressed today going to try and go to school so I can make money and get the h*ll out and live my own life I DO NOT like being told what to do I am50 d*mn years old. I do love her but she is incredibly selfish. My husbad's mom justhad brain surgery.
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catladymck, What do you mean you "can't go see friends"? How can she stop you? Does she have a gun? Does she know some deep dark secret from your past that she is blackmailing you with? Please explain why you "can't" make decisions about your own actions? We'll need more information to offer suggestions.
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catladymck,
The R-word is exclusive
The R-word ignores individuality
The R-word equated intellectual disability with being “dumb” or “stupid”
The R-word spreads hurt
The R-word is offensive
The R-word is incorrect
The R-word is derogatory
The R-word fosters loneliness
The R-word is hate speech
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Cornflakes, how is that helpful?
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Veronica91, I find it amazing in this day and age that so many people do not understand the impact that word has on others. Those who use it have no personal connection or have never met and conversed with someone with a cognitive impairment or their families.
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Thank you Cornflakes I had to read back the whole thread to figure out what the "R" word is.!!!! Sorry I am so impaired but your post meant nothing in the context of the original post. I have indeed met many with the impairment you describe and worked amongst them. Things just don't work the same way and like dementia this is a hard pill to swallow.
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My post was directed to catladymck's 2 posts from 16 & 17 hours ago (#'s 62 & 63) The use of the word in the context is was written is beyond offensive to me.
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The point about the R-word is actually well taken. It may be true that mental retardation was a legitimate medical term with a legitimate definition, "reduced global intellectual function with resulting deficits in adaptive behavior." But moron, imbecile, and idiot were at one time used medically as well, and dropped due to their abuse as pejorative terms for people who were not using the brains God gave them (my personal definition of "stupid"). SO, for real now, we are using the term intellectual disability in the medical world. Even X-linked "MR" gene panels are now XLID instead.

Back hen the term "mental retardation" was more OK - and "retard" was NEVER OK - there was even a person with Down syndrome who was featured in a book called "Retarded Isn't Stupid, Mom!" that you can still get online

That said, catlady, I know what you are getting at; but neither you nor mom have what used to be called mental retardation. Mom has at least mild cognitive impairment and has lost any sense of perspective or empathy she might have had; that is often the first thing to go. You feel guilty because she is your mom, and you are not used to setting limits with her but you really have to - she does not perceive them herself and really no longer "gets" why you are an adult with other things to do and not available to cater to her 24 x 7. Don't argue with her so much as tell her you need to go and when you will be back. I hope you are not the only one staying with her if she has reached a point of can't be left alone. It is very hard but if you want to stay in her life and help, you are stuck with looking hard at what is really going on, conquering your perfectly understandable and normal negative emotions, and achieving that difficult mix of assertiveness and compassion this situation calls for....or finding yourself increasingly frustrated and depressed to the point you have to get out of the situation altogether to have any relief.
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I am 11 years old and i get it,too. my mom has an addiction, too, she always is stuck on her phone. She never lets me watch even 15 min episodes! I really dont know what to do, and if someone is oout there who expirienced it, please tell me what i should do with it 😭😭😭
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I can relate to everyone's feelings here. My 89-yr-old mother is narcissistic and manipulative and has been so all of my life. I have been doing better in setting boundaries but not so as to not feel guilty about it. Unfortunately some of us were never allowed to have boundaries growing up so to try to set them now makes us feel horrible. It's important to have support by those who understand you and the situation to assure you that it's okay to set limits on what you will and won't do.
Gail
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Sometimes all you can control is what you do, and not what anyone else does.

As an adult, it's easy to lose our way and not see that we actually DO have some choices in front of us. We have been programmed to oblige, oblige, oblige our entire lives to the point it's instinct now. Everyone's problems must be our responsibility, right? Everyone's satisfaction, contentment, happiness, and calmness is our problem, right?

WRONG.

Fixing this kind of thing is going to take some real grit on your part.

When elders are beyond understanding what you ask of them, it's time for an assessment by at geriatric doctor. NOT a family GP who is not trained on old age like a pediatrician is on young age. Find a geriatric doctor who will see your elder. Send them a list of concerns ahead of time. Request a cognitive evaluation.

Say & do whatever you need to, to get mom/dad in the car to that visit. Say it's required for insurance, or the government requires it, or that you don't know why you have to go, you are just following instructions from the doctor. Whatever it takes. I give you permission because this is a kind of emergency.

This doctor visit can do a number of helpful things. It can start a file that other agencies and people are going to need to reference. It can straighten out any medication related problems, hidden infections, depression, anxiety, and a host of cognitive related problems. You may be referred to a neurologist for a follow up. This is a GOOD THING.

The doctor can take away driving privileges and report that to the DMV. It's not YOU being the bad guy. My mother got to the point where she did not care one whit if she ran anybody over or killed babies out driving with her terrible vision and reduced comprehension. You can take the car & keys away by pretending to take it in for an oil change or gas or something. Just don't bring it back!

The next step is to find a placement for this parent/elder that is NOT YOUR HOME. Very important that it is not your home. When there is an abusive/toxic relationship between the elder and their adult child, it will be a very poor and damaging caregiving experience for everyone.

I didn't give my mom a choice about it. I had scouted out a place in advance, filled out the paperwork, and done everything but write the check. Her choice was apartment A or B. She got a tour, a free lunch, and we wrote the first check out for her. Done. I probably got really lucky because she was soaking up the petting and attention from the manager that day. And she was very angry at our complete refusal to treat her like the Queen of Sheba at my house.

Once mom got out of my house, I had some buffer zone between me and her personality (to put it nicely). I went to visit, do laundry, grocery shop, etc. until she moved into the nursing home unit. That move was not my choice or hers. It happened as a result of being hospitalized and some spiraling medical & psychological problems. It was all out of my hands at that point.

She started seeing a psychologist, better doctors, and getting her "meals, meds, and beds" on a regular schedule. More changes put her into the locked memory care unit this past year. Getting her on anxiety and psychotic meds has made a huge difference in her wellbeing. This would not have been possible if she had stayed in her own home or mine.

There are some people who just cannot live together or even close to each other, and that is just the way it is.
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I'm glad I found this thread. My mom is a narcissist. This is something I've known for years, since I was a kid. When my dad passed away I was forced to take her in to my home. She's never worked or lived on her own nor could she afford to on just my dads social security. She was 60 at that time. She had never had a job before and had no interest in finding one. She refused to help with housework because according to her she didn't enjoy doing housework. As if anyone does! She doesn't drive so I drive her to all of her appointments. Over the years she's come up with phantom illness that get her hospitalized for a few days and attention from my brother and sister. Honestly, those little "breaks" have been a blessing for me...I get a few days to myself. My resentment for her has only grown over the years. She is now 75 and I honestly look forward to her death. That day will probably be the happiest day I'll have in the years of being stuck with her. I'm sorry to say that because it sounds horrible but I realized I love her but I don't like her as a person and if she were I stranger I would never choose to be around someone like her. I made the decision to move her to a senior apartment. It's a lovely, clean well run place. She keeps trying to manipulate her way out of moving but I finally have support from my siblings so as soon as her name comes up on the waiting list she's out of my house and I can have my life back. My apologies for ranting but it feels good to get these thoughts out and know I'm not alone.
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Hi all! It has been a good while since I have posted anything here, I do however read posts often. It is helpful knowing I am not the only one in this world of caregivers that has the terrible thoughts and feelings about my MIL. My husband and I have been her caregiver for 5 years now and I am SO burnt out that I find myself angry at the world. I guess part of it is that my husband now has work he is doing that gets him out of the house leaving me to care for his mother from the time she gets up until she goes to bed.
We started out caring for his aging Aunt, MIL's eldest sister, during her illnesses the MIL decided she had to have hospital stays and our attention too. We cared for Auntie for over 4 years, she passed away just before her 91st birthday with stage 4 colon cancer, she refused to let the docs do a colonoscopy for years. When she finally did it was too late. They had been giving her blood and iron infusions for nearly a year before she finally let them do the colonoscopy. When the results came back they put her in hospice care at my MIL's home and she lived 3 days. She was easy to care for, always doing what we told her she needed to, there were moments where she gave us a hard time but she would always let us know how much she appreciated us for all we did for her. During this time my MIL was being very trying, so we were pulled in both directions taking care of both of them. My husband was running his mother to the doc every week or so while I was taking Auntie to her appointments which took 4-6 hours two or three times a month. MIL got to the point she wouldn't eat or take her meds and breathing treatments, she was having panic attacks at all hours of the day and night which meant no sleep for us. The day after he sister was buried she was out of it, I mean totally. We called an ambulance because she was non responsive, her BP was really high and she wasn't breathing right. Her GP had missed that she had pneumonia after 4 visits for breathing problems. Well she ended up on a ventilator for 8 days and then another 6 days in the step down from ICU. Her CO2 was three times what is normal, which really messed up her mind. She was moved from the hospital to rehab for 28 days. She loved rehab, didn't want to leave. When we brought her back to her home she didn't know where she was and continually told us she wanted to go home and if we didn't take her she was going to call the law and have us put in jail for kidnapping her. It took over a year for her mind to return back to partial normalcy. Not long after her GP diagnosed her with Dementia and Alzheimer's, some of her actions are put on for attention.
Well now that I have gave some background history I can vent. I am so sick of being a 24/7 caregiver to a woman that refuses to even try. The doctors have told her she needs to get up and walk or she would end up bedridden.
She has always been a hateful woman, for the 18 years I have known her she has always been one to yell for this and yell for that because she wasn't able to do anything for herself. No she was and still is down right LAZY! She gets her breakfast, coffee, morning meds brought to her in bed. She will lay in that bed until 12:00 or later and urinate all over herself and the bed because she is too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom. I generally end up taking her lunch to her and picking up her breakfast dishes and making her get up to go to the bathroom. My husband went in one morning and caught her with her butt over the edge of the bed urinating on the carpet. There is no excuse for that, she is supplied with Depends and overnight pads but she feels it is degrading to wear them and insists on wearing panties and puts 2 or 3 washcloths in them for protection. It doesn't matter how much I clean her room it smells like one big piss fest has gone on in there. I don't know how much more I can stand. She doesn't care that my husband and I don't have a life and haven't for over 5 years. We can't go anywhere together because she has to have 24/7 care and she can't afford to pay to have someone other than us to come in and stay with her if even for a few hours. We have went through all of our savings, assets and sold off stuff that we just really didn't need in order to help pay her bills and try to keep ours paid. She doesn't appreciate anything we do for her. My husband has health problems and when he has to stay with her for any length of time he ends up with chest pains from the stress of her screaming his name for no reason other than "bring me a cup of coffee". She is killing us! She has a daughter that refuses to help, she moved out of state as an excuse for not being here to help us take care of Her mother.
One more rant and I am going to stop. MIL will not shower, I have to force her to get in the shower. She has every precautionary item a person could need for safety in the shower. She feels that her spit baths are enough, even when she has sat in her chair until she is wet with urine from her waist to her knees. I am tired of having to make her go to the bathroom, I am tired of trying to make her shower. I am just TIRED! I am, or maybe I should say was a healthy person but she is ruining my health and my husbands health.
I'm sorry I have went on for so long, thank you for giving me a place to let this out.
I just feel like this mean old woman is going to outlive my husband and I and it's not fair. I know it is wrong to wish death on someone but she has no quality of life and making it so that we don't either.
Everyone have a great day!
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find a way and get rid of them they are soul destroying and selfish this is your life grab it with both hands, old folks home with people like them
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Wherewerethey,

She is not lazy. She may or may not even be "mean" - she IS totally unreasonable, but it is because her reason is gone. She has dementia that has advanced to the point that she has no capacity for judgement or empathy, regardless of whether she had any in the past. I do not know if that might help you feel any less resentful of the caregiving that she needs, which is extremely frustrating as well as physically demanding because she also resists the care she needs. That resisting everything is, unfortunately, not at all uncommon in dementia. She has no idea why she should ever have to do anything that requires significant effort or discomfort. She can't likely even sequence the steps involved in getting help to go to the bathroom. Her problem solving is, as expected, absymal.

Let's get practical. You have spent nearly everything you had taking care of her, because she has no funding. If she has no funding, she can qualify for Medicaid. You as long time caregivers may have rights to stay in the house if that's a concern. She is undoubtedly skilled nursing qualified according to your description. She is almost undoubtedly not legally competent. You don't mention things like POAs or guardianship, which somebody should have for her. Take whatever steps need to be taken to get help with her care. There may be some preferences of hers that can be respected, but it cannot be left to her choice whether to urinate in the right place or not, and you cannot let her choices continue to destroy your health, your life and your marriage.

Stop regarding her as being the person in charge of her care and letting her run the show, which she is running right into the ground. She is not capable of being in charge, as badly as she might still want to be, and you should not let that continue any more than you would let her drive a car or let a 4 year old babysit an infant. Make sure you have your husband's support and understanding before you make this major change in your approach to her situation. I'm not sure her daughter is such a bad person for refusing to be involved in this scenario as it stands, BTW.
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In the Hindu scripture Bhagavad Gita Sri Krishna says "Man must do his duty. Do not think of the fruits, the results. 'These are mine, those are not mine' -do not have such thoughts. A wise man treats all alike. Anger and desire dull your intelligence. Accept pain and pleasure in the same way. A man must understand and do what is right. Everyone that is born must die. Justice is more important than human beings. Partha, give up this base faint-heartedness, arise and do your duty." Thus the teacher of the Geetha guided Arjuna.

I thought of sharing this from Bhagavad Gita....this is the advice Sri Krishna gives to Arjuna in the battle field..............it is a interesting one...........I thought this is relevant here.........we all go through this phase...............but our interaction is not with our parents, relatives, friends or any such relationship................but with God. Because he will finally ask us.....Did you do your duty ?
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