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With every goodbye, we learn.
I have no regrets for going no contact with my mom.
It was necessary for my survival, and I was helped
and supported by so many others at the time.
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SnoopyLove Apr 2021
With every goodbye we learn. Wow, that is so true.
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I greatly approve of seeing a counsellor and talking through family issues, I would suggest creating a way to communicate (letters or phone calls) with your mother if doing so is important to you. That would probably be the most effective way to express everything you want her to know... and probably keep you from having a lot of regret. When she passes, most people go through stages of grief as described by Dr. Kubler-Ross:
Stage 1 - denial (that feeling that the person just can't be gone)
Stage 2 - anger (feeling cheated)
Stage 3 - bargaining (ineffective activities to change the situation)
Stage 4 - depression (sadness related to missing the person)
Stage 5 - acceptance
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Twillie Apr 2021
Actually I have been sending mom cards and letters. She doesn’t acknowledge them - she doesn’t acknowledge me. In fact when I saw her briefly in the lobby at assisted living she gave me a exasperated look when I mentioned I would write.
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HI Twillie, my heart hurts for the hard decisions you had to make. You are a worthy person and you are entitled to have peace in your life. From your post, it seems that you are being prevented from having a relationship with your mom, and that's something your brother and SIL need to take ownership of, not you.
The fact that your mom has not reached out or thanked you for the things you have done for her speaks volumes. You should NOT feel any regrets for saving your sanity and having a stress-less life. Listen to your counselor and practice the exercises he/she gives you. You are NOT a bad person for stepping away. Big hugs to you
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marymary2 Apr 2021
Great answer. Same situation - so I should not send a Mother's Day card since she ignored and did not open (I sent ecards since she said she doesn't like mail) any of the various holiday and other cards I've sent since no contact? (She's not sent me any holiday or birthday cards though she loves to send to others....). Very hard to give up the dream of having a loving mother....
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I agree with Geaton. An AL would not get involved with guardianship. They are privately owned and usually a corporation. They would not go thru the expense. Guardianship is very expensive. What they would do is report to APS then APS would file for guardianship thru the State. She would become a Ward of the State with the State assigning a guardian. That guardian would take over her money and her care.

You could get guardianship. If you win, you may be able to use Moms money to pay for it. I think Medicaid allows it. Then you are fully in control. But, u will be obligated to report to the State how Moms money is spent. Which will protect you if brother questions where the money went.
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Twillie Apr 2021
Yes I have considered guardianship for several years however I’m concerned about getting reimbursed for my up-front legal expenses and the battle it would be with my brother. I could easily win in court. I’m going to keep considering it. Thank you.
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Has your mother been diagnosed with dementia or memory loss impairment? Assisted Living will most likely not set in motion the pursuit of guardianship unless she is incapacitated and your brother stops communicating with the facility and addressing her needs as HCPoA, or someone stops paying the facility bill. Is anyone her financial PoA? The facility won't involve a lawyer, they would refer her case to social services for the county and the county then pursues guardianship. At that point if she becomes a ward of the county, the appointed guardian makes all the decisions going forward, and everyone is locked out of access to any of her assets or decisions for care. She will be cared for and protected by the county-appointed guardian for the rest of her life.
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My heart hurts for you. I was in a similar situation (not exactly the same), and my father passed away 9 months ago. I was secondary HCPOA and my sister was primary, and I had to officially resign my secondary role to be able to find my peace.

I started with a therapist online about 3 months before my father died. I worked with her weekly, then every other week, then once a month, and now I am talking to her online about once every 3 months. I really needed intense help when I first started learning about narcissistic abuse. I began to learn that it infected my family since the very beginning, likely beginning with my grandfather. According to Dr. Ramani, a very good psychologist who has a daily You-Tube video series, there are five reasons one stays in a narcissistic relationship: guilt, fear, hope, lack of knowledge about narcissistic abuse, and curiosity. I had to work through each one of these, and the last one was curiosity, which I have been able to drop since Christmas.

So, no, I do not regret resigning my secondary HCPOA. But I had to tackle every one of those five issues.
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Twillie Apr 2021
Thank you - this is great support!
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