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The challenge in your situation is that her negative personality traits will be made worse from her cognitive decline. No amount of trying to retrain her or lay out boundaries will change *her* behaviors so you are doing the right thing by putting up strong and consistent boundaries. However, it seems you have been "assumed" into being her caregiver. Is this a role you want any part of? Only you can answer this question. You are under no ethical obligation to do so. And, if you are not her DPoA, having the legal authority to help her and manage her affairs in the future will become even more fraught as she fights you on every front, short of a profound medical event that incapacitates her.

If you are not her PoA and wish to back away, you can contact APS to report her as a vulnerable adult. This gets her on their radar. Keep calling APS. Eventually when conditions for staying in her home become untenable, they will move to acquire guardianship, and then will place her in a facility where she will be protected and cared for. You can visit her and carry on whatever level or engagement you wish, but the county will then be in full control of her medical and financial affairs, and family will have no insight into any of it. The guardian may request input about certain decisions, but that's it.

My step-FIL became a ward of the county. He made it impossible for us to help him legally. I laid out his choices and he chose to pretend that APS would not intervene, but they did. He went into a facility and we visited him, then went home and slept soundly because we weren't exhausted or worried about him. I'm just putting this out there for you so you can make an informed decision, and move forward with your life. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2021
Never let yourself be 'Voluntold' into being the assumed caregiver.
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Talk to your siblings to find out how they managed to get distance from your toxic parent. Then follow their example. Why do you think you have to put up with this? Try therapy. Do some activities you enjoy that take some time away from your phone and her. Block her number? You don't have to be like her, so don't.
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You are being taken advantage of, and should feel drained.

Follow in your siblings' footsteps. Block her number and stop interacting with her. Cut toxic negative people out of your life.

If you want to take a smaller step, only answer the phone once a day, and immediately tell her goodbye if she starts complaining, that you don't want to hear it, then hang up. Don't answer again until the next day. A ringing phone can go unanswered.

Boundaries are for YOU, they are not to change your mom. She won't change.

I'd just go cold turkey, personally.
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lindas12 Nov 2021
Thank you for your reply. :)
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