Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
How I relate to your post since I am in a similar situation with a 96 year old mother who has suffered from Arthritis for many years and recently fell and broke her hip. She was in the hospital, then rehab and now is at home with me since she is bed ridden and unable to take care of herself in any way. I am fortunate to be able to afford help since at 67 I could not do the lifting and provide the personal care she needs from one day to the other. She was always a strong independent woman and I think this may be a source of my resentment due to a bit of denial on my part that such a personality could now be so totally dependent on others and what I can provide. Im seeing the ineptitude of the therapist being provided who for two weeks has not made the slightest attempt to get her out of bed even though the hospital and rehab center had her up and taking baby steps after the surgery. Im angry at the system in place for the elderly and have a deep desire to get involved in improving the quality of care for the seniors who find themselves in this situation. This is a sad and difficult process and my life has come to a standstill but pray daily for strength and perseverence. At 96 and Im sensing she will never be ambulatory again. Im worried about the depletion of my resources to continue to provide the care she needs and I am saddened by her deterioration into this process. My heart goes out to all heroes who choose to keep and provide their parents at home rather than turning them over to a nursing home.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thanks for all of your caring & gentle hugs & prayers. My Ma is bright eyed & bushy tailed this morning - I heard her chattering away when I woke up & went to check in on her. I put on all the lights & I have her birds in there to keep her company - cockatiels & parakeets & she "talks" to them throughout the day.& have the TV on as well. Hers is a sunny room - when it's not overcast and now it's almost springtime - so that is always a better time after these long cold winters.. God bless you all.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I know this time of handling dementia of a loved one is a very difficult time for a family and feelings of guilt are often very normal my prayers go out to your family. My family was going through the same situation and often guilt would creep into our daily thoughts as a family we decided to begin looking at different caregivers and found the company hallmark homecare which allowed us to hire direct caregivers and have the same caregiver come to our home each day. The decision alleviated some of the stress and guilty feelings that we were going through and allowed us to know for certain that mom was being taken care of. I would suggest reaching out to this company and seeing if they would be able to help allieviate some stresses and provide a much needed respite during this difficult time. The local representative I used was David D. Our family decision to begin using a caregiver allowed us to enjoy being with mom without many of the stresses of caregiving. I wish you the best of luck during this most difficult time.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1overwhelmed - I understand what you are dealing with - that's for sure. My Ma was walking up to the point when she was hospitalized last summer for a UTI. The staff did not try & get her up at all, and after that stay over 10 days - she couldn't walk anymore. Up to that point before her hospitalization, I could walk her - with the help of her walker - into the bathroom for toileting, then a shower a couple of times a week. After the hospital stay - she lost the ability to walk, and I'm sure it was because they didn't bother to get her up.

I know the hospitals & nursing homes are often overwhelmed, and can't give individual attention as much as we would want for our loved ones. That's why I want Ma here with me, and as long as I can do it - I will. I don't think I am being a martyr - but I have thought long & hard whether she would be better off in a home. I just can't feel comfortable about it personally. For others who make that decision to have their loved ones in a facility - that's a personal decision and I would certainly never pass judgment on anyone who decided that.

I saw what happened to my Aunt, who was 98, had dementia & was in a nursing home, and they wouldn't even try to feed her. They would put a hamburg on a bun with French fries in front of her, and of course - she wouldn't eat. Then they just took it away, and that was when we were visiting her! Auntie stopped eating all together, and they allowed her to slowly starve to death under Hospice. There was nothing I could do, as she had 5 children responsible for her care.

At least - I can get Ma to eat pureed foods & liquids. This is very difficult for anyone to go thru, and make those difficult decisions, but - days like today - when Ma is alert & somewhat co-operative, I thank God that He allowed her to be here with me, in the moment.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Dearest Lynette, you are your mothers best friend and it's not your fault she isn't able to be the mother you knew growing up. She needs you, all of you as you did her when you were a baby. You are doing a great job so don't feel guilty, and it's ok to feel resentful, it's your minds way of protecting you. I have to say that when I read your post it was the first one I ever read here as I am new to this also but let me tell you something, while I read through I could have sworn I had written it word for word. I cried from the begining and still have tears in my eyes making it difficult to type. I haven't cried in years my dear I just haven't had the time since being the caregiver to both my parents, 90 and 92 years old. I love them so very much and like you my brothers live to far and can not help other than calling. Your story has inpired me and knowing that I am not alone is strength to lean on. My prayers are with you and I hope it gives you comfort knowing you are not alone in this journey.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Dear MamaVic58

I am so glad that my post helped you in any way... Oh my gosh - you have the 2 of them!!!!

I can only say that the only One who is able to help me get thru this is the Lord. As Ma was starting to decline - I was filled with anger at losing her mentally, emotionally, and especially her declining physically, of course was harder on me. I didn't want to lose patience, but I was - it's an impossible situation - all the ways that you can think of, and so many emotions and real limitations on both parties involved.

I finally saw a positive difference in this when I just simply asked the Lord for help, after realizing I could NOT do this alone. I'm still in the process, and so often question whether I can go on another hour, but He is always there. I know He has a bigger purpose in mind.

God bless you Sweety - you have a double burden, but He will help you.

HUGS & PRAYERS
LynetteD
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Lynette, you are an inspiration to all have the ability to endure this. Unfortunately, for me, I can no longer. I went a different direction after she threatened to disown me - I took her up on the offer, and I have moved on. For me, it was the right decision - I have no one else to assist me with her stubbornness to allow anyone to assist her in her home or even consider the option of assisted living as she falls on a nearly daily basis in her home. She will not accept a walker or anything from me that would help her during her transition into Alzheimer's/Dementia. It was killing me to deal with this on a daily basis and I just let go... She is now dead to me... Everyone handles this differently, and I do applaud you and those on this website that have the endurance of Job to endure this adventure, I certainly never planned for...
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You are not alone. My mom is only 73. Extremely healthy except for breast cancer that keeps coming back. She has required moderate care the past 12 years. Two years ago it metasizes to her brain. The last 2 of those she has been completely dependent on me. The whole brain radiation completely destroyed her. She can't walk, can't remember, is incontinent at times. My brother 30 minutes away will not help. At all. Ever. I am married and have 5 kids. My oldest graduated HS last year and I feel I missed his last year at home because all the care mom needed. I then have a 16 yo, 10 yo, and two 5 yo. I feel so resentful of the time I am losing with them. I feel depressed as well so then I feel guilty I don't give my best when I am home. I resent the time she takes a lot. And yes, this guilt is awful! She was a great mom. We did a lot together. I hate feeling so angry at the situation she has created. It's not like she chose it. I'm sure she hates it too. I feel awful because I wish the Lord would just take her home. Where she would be whole again. We are all believers so I know I will see her again. She is so lonely and I can't be there 24 hrs a day. I hate these thoughts and try to pray through them. Makes me feel like an awful, uncaring, and unChristian daughter. I'm tired. I want my life back. We can't get outside help either. Medicare won't pay for outside help. We can't do Medicaid due to home recovery. She lives right behind us in a granny house and her house is considered part of ours. We have always been the ones to pay the mortgage and taxed but her name was on the deed up to a year ago. They look 5 years back. I am just stuck. If she gets any worse I do not know what we will do. Wish I had some advice for you but I don't. Just know you are kit alone and your feelings are understood.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Glad I'm not the only one that feels that way. My Mom is 87 and now living with me. I just can't see doing this long term. I've always been "it". I'm 65 and want to come and go, right now thats not possible. Until I can sell the house, there is no money for help. I do have an aide who bathes her 3x a week.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You may want to look into Hospice now. Criteria changed a few years back. Things u pay for now, u may not have to pay for. You get aides that will watch your Mom while u run errands.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think hospice only helps if the dr believes you will die within 6 months. My moms issues are due to the brain surgery and whole brain radiation. She won't qualify unless the cancer comes back and she refuses treatment. At least that's how I understand it. Mom has already said that radiation ruined her quality of life and she will have no treatment if it comes back.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Not anymore. The criteria has changed. Have your doctor set up an evaluation. I know people who were glad they did.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thanks, JoAnne. I will ask him about it. It sure would help us! She just had an MRI and her follow up today. Her brain was clear. All her memory issues, confusion, immobility, and continent issues are all due to radiation toxicity. He said it may plateau off or it will continue to worsen.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

criteria for hospice has changed. Call them and ask for a nurse to come see your mom and do an evaluation. She can qualify for an aide for an hour a day, massage and other services. There is no charge for it. They will decide if she is appropriate for their services.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Bettyb21, do you need the dr referral first or just call hospice for a nurse evaluation directly?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter