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After many years of caring for my mother I finally put her into MC. I took her clothes and toiletries and put them into her closet, etc. I had put LO's initials on everything with a sharpie as instructed. The next week I went to see her and all but one of her towels were gone and most of her clothes were gone. Of course I asked the staff about it. Several times, several different staff. They individually say that when they do laundry they give it back to the right person. I have seen staff take body lotion and shampoo from one resident and give it to another. My mother hid her lotion and other hygiene products. Right in front of me, two staff went into other residents' rooms and took lotion and shampoo and gave them to my mother. When I found my LO's hygiene products and tried to return the stolen ones, the staff said to keep it for my mother.


There are other issues. I'm paying for my mother to get a bath twice a week. The facility has yet to bathe her. It's been seven weeks (I have given her 2 showers during that time). She only brushes her teeth when I visit and make her do it. When I mention it to staff, they tell me she refuses baths.


The staff, especially the director, keep telling me that most people drop off their LO, pay the fees, and never come back to see the LO. I have been asked not to visit so often, so I cut it down to once a week. Kinda makes me wonder if the facility wants to keep me from knowing what goes on there.


Makes me wonder if they are giving her her medicine.


My mother has been a nightmare to deal with, as I have written about in other posts. But I don't think that it's right to steal from her and neglect her, although I'm sure she drives them crazy. I've thought about getting her out of there but I can't take care of her anymore, just can't.


Is this a common situation?


Thanks

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Different scenario, but my mom was in a behavioral unit in a geriatric hospital for nearly three weeks. She came home with different clothes and no dentures, so I can only imagine how many personal items get "lost" in a long term AL/MC facility. Sadly, I think we are at the mercy of inadequate staffing in spite of the high cost of placement. I often wonder what will happen as the boomer generation gets into full swing of this aging process. It won't be pretty.
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Wow ! Sorry to hear this. I’ve worked as a nurse in long term care facility and memory care as well as hospital and I can tell you that many times confused residents steal from others. If a staff member in the facility I worked in ever got caught stealing they’d be terminated on the spot! This is NEVER acceptable !! Having said that, id definitely make a fuss and continue visiting as often as YOU want to. My husband is currently in LTC veterans health center with end stage vascular dementia ( since December). I fell and pinched my sciatic nerve and have been flat out in pain. My husband is getting fabulous care. Showered every other day, always neat and clean and well matched and lost his army cap but it was another resident that “ lifted “ it. Staff found it and had it washed and returned it. I’m sorry you are going thru this. When I’m feeling well, I visit at least 3 times a week( all different times) and I advocate for my husband in a kind way. The staff work hard and I appreciate that and let them know. I randomly bring cookies or other “ treats” for the staff . Maybe it’s time for a “ sit down” with the administrator. Good luck 💜
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MC a step up from an AL. Anything in Moms room is hers that she has paid for. She pays big money to live there. For me, this is laziness on the Staffs part. If the person has no shampoo or lotion there is someone responsible for them that should be supplying it. Its stealing. Its like going into someones apt to care for them and taking things you need for your next patient. This is not a NH that provides toiletries and depends to the residents and it is part of the monthly bill.

I would be livid if I found that my Moms depends were being used for another resident. These places should have things on hand in case a resident runs out. The aides are just too lazy to walk to the storage room.

Clothes should not be missing in a MC. In Moms AL they did each residents laundry separately. There should be no losses. My Mom, in AL, did get back a top that was not hers placed on her bed. It was 2 or 3 sizes bigger than she wore. I returned it to laundry.

I may bring it up to the director. The person may not realize that this is going on. I would also request that my moms clothing be found. I would make sure to sew in name tags, ink does disappear. I would find out if each persons clothing is done separately or together. I chose to do my Moms laundry. I would approach the director with "I have some questions, is it a normal thing to use residents toiletries on other residents." If they say yes, then tell them that you purchase Moms toiletries and don't expect them to be used on other residents that families can also afford to provide these things"

If it continues after you bring it to their attention, maybe find a new place.

I took pictures of everything I took to the AL. Glasses her hearing aide. Then when something is missing then u have a picture. I took nothing worth money. Mom was never missing anything. Did lose her glasses found them on another resident.
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This is pretty common.
Someone runs out of briefs some are taken from another resident. When mom runs out they will "borrow" from someone else.
When a lotion can't be found, one will be "borrowed"
Not all of this is on the staff particularly in Memory Care residents will enter another room and take items. they are not "stealing" at least that is not their intention. They may think it is theirs, they may like the color, the fragrance or any other reason.
As to clothing, sometimes staff will grab another shirt if a resident does not have a clean one available.
I suggest that you get mom's clothes from a resale shop. Towels as well, or bring used ones from your house and buy new for yourself.
The staff in the laundry may not get all items back to the proper resident. And sometimes items actually go missing for a while, a shirt may fall between washers or accidently get picked up with a blanket and it is not found for a week.
When my Husband was in rehab many items went missing and I just brought in a hamper and told them I would do the wash. I never did find his favorite blanket.
A facility may have a room of lost/found/left clothing you might want to check there to see if your moms items are there.
As far as toiletries unless there is a reason I would stick with generic products. And in your head just know that that bottle of body soap will be used by others. (I can only hope that the barrier creams are not thought of as "community" use items)
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It’s quite a tricky issue for many people. A few points:

1) If new things are disappearing in quantity, including depends etc as well as clothing, it needs following up. It’s possible that it is being taken for resale outside the facility. This has been reported occasionally on the site.

2) If it’s things of small value and importance, like the poster said, “shampoo and lotion were not hills I was willing to die on”. If someone had run out, perhaps treat it as your ‘charitable’ donation, to someone whose family aren’t helping as much as you.

3) For clothing, the labeling should help, but it isn’t a bad idea to take ‘special’ things in for ‘special’ occasions and take them home afterwards (of course, particularly jewellery or valuables’). However my own experience was that my MIL had far more clothing than she needed, and a few things going missing simply minimised the problem of dealing with her belongings when she died.

4) The facility also gave items to OpShops, and bought from them too, usually for people who came in with very little. They never re-used clothing left behind by residents, so that it wasn’t recognisable for other people. If your mother needs more of something, find it in an OpShop that isn’t too close. You don’t need to buy it new and then get upset if it walks.

5) Be vigilant if it really is a financial problem, and let it go if it’s more a minor annoyance. Sorting laundry is a trial for facilities, as well as for you.
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JoAnn29 Apr 2022
I doubt if your going to come in with very little when u can afford paying for MC.
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I would speak to a director and state you want compensation against her monthly bill for lost items. Prepare an invoice including the tax you paid. Try to keep all receipts going forward and take pictures of her clothing.

I believe a resident can refuse medication and bathing. If she wants to refuse medication her days may be numbered depending on what conditions she receives medication for. I have to frequently go over with my mother the fact that when she refuses certain medications she feels poorly the next day. I also go over that she needs two showers a week especially since she is catheterized and has a serious bedsore. She comes around to this when we explain it kindly.

If credit is not given to you for lost items then I would subtract the amount you feel represents lost items from future bills.
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Nolife, I suspected that the staff at the nursing home where my mom resided were taking things cause I would pick up things for my mom periodically and when we cleaned her place out after she died most of the stuff was no where to be seen. I guess it may have been other residents but I had no way of proving either and my mom forgot I had bought her the stuff the day after I brought it to her anyways.

It's sad that on top of the pain of having to have your parent placed you also have to worry about these type of things. But I would not be surprised if it's commonplace.
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JoAnn29 Apr 2022
This is a private pay MC. NHs are different.
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It's an abysmal situation.

From the way you describe it, and especially the way the staff respond to your constructive efforts, it appears to be not only accepted but in effect their Standard Operating Procedure.

I am nonplussed.

There is this resource: https://ombudsman.elderaffairs.org/file-a-complaint/

What is going on clearly affects every resident and every member of staff at the place, so I think a detailed report of what you've found is more than justified.
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Shampoo and lotion were not hills I was willing to die on. My mom's stuff (nothing fancy) routinely got used for other patients, and I didn't really mind that much. Frankly, I think it was easier for them to ask me to bring in more shampoo knowing I'd actually bring it than to ask the families who visited their LOs less frequently. I didn't really care.

They should be getting her clothes back to her, though. There's no reason why they can't do that. I got personalized name tags for my mom and sewed them on, because Sharpie does wash out fairly quickly and become illegible. You can order those tags on Amazon now.

Once in a while I'd find Mom in someone else's shirt, but it was fine, and I didn't care. It'd end up back in the laundry and on its way to someone else's room. Again, not that big a deal to me.

I'm sure they've given Mom some sponge baths, because after seven weeks of no bathing, she'd be pretty ripe. By law they can't force her to bathe, so you may have to do it yourself or let them handle it as best they can. They have their ways, and I assume you are getting the info on her baths from the staff, not Mom. Moms have a tendency to embellish the truth.
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babsjvd Apr 2022
So true, the embellishments!
My mom was being stolen from in her AL in Tucson, Other times, she forgot where she put it, or purposely complained of a theft ,example… she received a gown in the mail as a gift. Complained it was no delivered to her room. It was found in her closet… she was with it enough . Because of this my moms rent / care level went up.

Looking back, I wish I had reported the vindictive manager.
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