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I left my mom in the hands of my alcoholic sister and brother two years ago. Best thing I ever did. She calls me every couple of months and I just say, "That's nice" and hang up. If there is any money to be had they can have it. My sanity and happiness are more important than dollars.
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I know what you mean with brothers. Mine do very little..and Mom who is 90...breaks her neck to cook for them whenever they come to do anything....never mind she can't cook for herself and has really bad back pain and is on a walker! She never does this for me and my sister (although we would not expect or let her !). such a contrast. Me and my sister do the majority of the work for my Mom. Dr appts, house cleaning, shopping, etc. and a host of other things. But yet my brothers just show up and get fawned over!
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If you really want to know where you stand in the pecking order in your family?
Take a mental health vacation. Then when you get back don't rush to call or contact them. Make them call you. If after a few days to a week after you've come back they make no attempt to contact you, unless it is to ask for something or to harass you,you'll have your answer. Afterwards if the only calls you get from them is to have you to do something for them or get something from you, you'll have your answer. Realize that many people that are set in their ways won't change unless something makes them change. After doing the above actions you will be in a better place mentally to decide( do you stay or do you go).
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I take care of my mom 24/7 I haven't had a day off since last Sunday June 14 2020 my mom started being meaner than her normal mean.It was 10 at night we are ready for bed I noticed she hasn't gotten up since 6 pm we both took a short nap around 4 pm she was sitting on the couch already but could not turn on the TV but that some times is normal so I turned it on had to change her night gown it was wet so was the couch I put towels down and her pillow. We started watching tv I cooked dinner at 10 pm it was bed time she got up and couldn't walk so she sat down and wanted to watch more tv at 1 am. I said ready for bed she said no ok more tv I still didn't think that she was in trouble in till she asked for coffee as I gave her the coffee she threw it in my face and started with the water bottle s with out a cap we have wood floors it was unreal as I kept falling. My knee is so bad now as the night went on I asked her what is going on she kept looking at her gown said there was pills on it then she saw dogs we did not own. I called my brother and 911 as she fell on the floor I say she took a half of a bottle of p.m. pills Advil. Omg what is going on she started throwing up the pills 911 came and my brother I guess she had a stroke. They took her to the hospital we could not go do to the virus on Monday my brother went only one at a time she kept asking for me I showed up and it was time for her to come home but she could not walk yet I have Power of attorney so I had to put her in rehab. I never wanted a vacation like this my mom is 90 years old she treats me like poo but I love my mom .I can not go to rehab and see her so I call .I have never felt like running away from my mom but my brother is a pain in my butt he does not help at all .He has no idea how hard this is as he and his wife goes on there vacation s in the past I have been here for 6 years helping my mom it was blood pressure this time and I don't know why she can't walk yet the doctors have not told me yet .As I sit here and answer that question do I want to run away well I could never do that .My father died when I was 10 one week before he died he asked all our kids to take care of her if he dies I said yes daddy I will I have a older sister she is 70 and a brother 65 I'm 61 .I have always been the black sheep I lived in indiana where I was born and they moved to Texas in 1992 after that I never knew where they lived in Texas Untill 2007 ate the time I got a job on a Big Rig with my boy friend May 15 my brother told me it's time to take care of mom it was 2014 I did have some sadness as I loved this job so much but I went anyway and all the drama Untill a week ago
My brother is a millionaire and planing his next trip thank God for my boyfriend he has a job and he helps me .I just got over thyroid cancer last month and there were days I was so sick but by the grace of God I could take care of her.She will be done with rehab in 3 weeks and I hope she can walk then because when I fell I broke my ribs don't think I could pick her up but I will try.Im my father's daughter he was the best father and I made a promise to him and I will see it too the end.I couldn't live with my self if I didn't this is the hardest job I have ever done. I don't want her in a nursing home at all.
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Wow! Abuse, brothers happy THEY aren't having to deal with it. I have to think, tho'. Did my parents ever "cut n run" when I was the teenage nightmare??? The abuses, from my 'daddy' who believes he is an "apostle greater than Paul" has him telling me half-quoted scriptures all the time and how he's HAPPY I'm not going where HE is caz I would RUIN HEAVEN for him. Then he tells me that I'm worthy of DEATH for my disobedience to him when I hide his WHISKEY! Cut n run??? Yea, I think about it, but I know who I am and I know what 'homes' are like. He needs me and as crazy as it is, I need my dad. Lost my mom 7 yrs ago and dad just lost it. I can love and care for him because the alternative is unthinkable. God bless you. Hang in there caz regrets, there will be many even tho we may think we did it all...
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lealonnie1 Jun 2020
My mother who's 93 has been in one of those 'unthinkable homes' you mention since 2014, and she's cared for beautifully by a team of care givers who love her to death. My parents cared for me when I was a child because they CHOSE to have me; it was their legal obligation to care for me and to feed and change and clothe me until I became old enough to take care of myself. Then they booted me out first chance they had. Comparing taking care of children to taking care of parents is like comparing apples to sirloin steak. There IS no comparison, nor should there be.

Children are certainly capable of 'loving' their parents and 'caring' for them in many different capacities; not just inside of their own home. It's a good idea to wrap your mind around that concept when commenting to people on this website. Not everyone is able, equipped, interested, or capable of caring for parents at home, whether they want to or not. Nobody should ever be made to feel 'less than' if that is their situation.
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Some people are dirt - so if you don't want to get dirty, face up to the fact you are better off severing all ties forever and move on. It is tough but the best thing you can ever do.
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My mom refuses to accept the abusive behavior she has done to me. She always tries to turn it around and say the typical narcissists thing: not my fault, it is your fault or I do not remember or why are you making up all these lies. Thankfully I got into counselling and have been healed from her deep wounds and now know how to deal with these wicked creatures. She hates it because she cannot play mind games with me anymore.
The Bible states that the righteous shall see the wicked get punished and as the years go by I see her suffer more and more, most of it is her own fault. She fights her body trying to do what she wants and the body wins that fight.

I gave up a very good teaching position to come home to take care of her. She thinks I should be grateful that she puts a roof over my head, food in my belly and clothes on my back (she gets the clothes second hand for free from the church). She has the money to pay me but refuses. Mean while she gives money to her eldest and her grand daughter willy nilly while they do not lift a finger to help.
If I hit the road she will be put in a hell house called an old folks home. She has seen the hell it would be for her (she is used to doing what ever she pleases and dictates to others what they are to do to serve her. Being a volunteer at various seniors homes that behavior does not bode well for those that have it).
I have a tent that is my sanctuary to get away from her. She can barely walk around the house much less the back yard so she cannot harass me there. That sanctuary is my life saver.
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I did that once when I wnet back to China to teach and after a month I called her (she was blocked so she could not call me). She had her nose so far up my butt she sneezed my t@rds for a week.

Now that I am her unpaid live in care giver when she gets too bad I just inform her I will tell her doctor I am no longer her live in care giver. She knows she will automatically be put in a seniors home. The good ones have a four year waiting list so guess where she will go. She straightens right up.

Before you go make sure to inform her doctor. I know a man who was a live in caregiver for his mother. They had a fight and she threw him out. Once he left she called the police and he was arrested for elder abuse and negligence of an elder (even though she threw him out she denied it to the police and was a real drama queen to the cops who fell for her act.).
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I have a very similar situation. I have cared for my mother for 15 long years. I lost my job because of it. I have traveled from Maryland to NY many times to take care of all of her needs. My brother lives close and was retired but wouldn't help. Now that she is 92 and not in great shape my brother has taken over her money, got me taken off as POA and is trying to cut me out of everything. He switched lawyers so that now Mom's lawyer is in his pocket. I don't know what to do but need to find out about places that can help me. I need resources that have some power to help me!
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I have to laugh here, don’t really have any answer. My parents always favored my older sister and brother over my youngest brother and myself. Although they would always deny it their preference was obvious.

Whenever I visit their first words are "have you talked to a sister or brother?" My youngest brother and I are the ones who visited regularly, helped out around the house, ran errands, and chauffeured them around as needed.

The Golden Ones seldom call, rarely visit, never ask about them. It’s sad, but YB and I can laugh about it, our consciences are clear. I love all my siblings and I believe Karma will settle it all in the end.
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