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Search in your mind for something she excelled at ... be it knitting, baking, organizing things, helping at school etc & use that as the 'padding' you need -
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Nature73, I am confused with your question. I do not want to sound like a beach, but I am truly concerned about you.
I'm the proverbial "middle child". I was ignored having the older sister who was the apple of Dad's/Grandma's eye(s). Grandma called her China doll. She got everything from Grandma. Little sister "Piggy" (hair always in pig tails) and treated as the "baby". Then the caboose! Yep, Mom/Dad finally got the one to carry the family jewels. ME, well I had the braces, eyeglasses (cat eye frames which are so popular now), everyone constantly made fun of me; even our Dad! I was the 1 who got all the SPECIAL CHORES like scrubbing the shower with a toothbrush, yes a toothbrush gotta get that grout clean (Dad had been in Navy).
Anyway, without knowing what was wrong with me I would cry myself to sleep, very long walks and praying, why me Lord? My Dad still doesn't care for me as a person, but loves me because I'm his kid (truth, he told me when he divorced Mom).
Your Mother's attitude toward her children really isn't the topic of a eulogy. Talk with family members who knew her when, perhaps she experienced the same from her Mother. My Mother always told us girls that we were vain as teens as we constantly curled our hair, took care of our complexions BECAUSE her Mother always did the same and she was told she would never be beautiful. Mom transferred that on us, mostly on me. I never felt good enough for anyone or anything. Guess what? My crying, praying, lack of self esteem = depression/bi-polar thanks to my parents. I did everything opposite for our daughter and we have a wonderful daughter. May not have a model's body, but she is beautiful and FANTASTIC sense of humor. Her cousins followed their Mothers life style...drugs, pregnant or got someone pregnant.
Anyway what I'm trying to say is, don't be like your Mom. Look deep into your heart to see the good times, maybe few but they are there.
I wrote a letter years ago to Mom for her birthday. I itemized everything that she DID DO to make me feel special. The best was after both sisters became pregnant in HS, Mom took me aside and told me she always knew I would never be a problem child. I was too concerned about everybody else. That I had always from when I was born, her favorite. Mom is now in a group home and leaving the 6th stage, entering the 7th stage of Alzheimer's. My siblings (I live out of State) never let me know of Mom's condition nor take her to the Dr as she should have. "They" finally decided I needed to care for Mom. Well, I had to go through things at the house and I found THAT letter. I read it after all these years and I have my eulogy for her. I found 3 decades of cards sent to her. I am going to place them in piles, send to appropriate sibling, choose their favorite to be placed in the casket, each will give a eulogy BASED on their BEST memories of Mom, even the Grandkids.
The spankings, grounding, arguments, disappointments won't matter. What WILL matter is we won't have our Mother any longer.
Always try to think about the best of your Mom and try to put the bad behind the good.
I hope I've helped in some way.
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susiemen Jan 2019
dkentz72--I read with such appreciation your post! As all, including your siblings if on this website also, can see, you are still "the caretaker"--now of your own siblings by reaching out with a loving recommendation and gesture of acknowledgment by reminding them of their own attempts to honor your mother with their cards through the years. My mother lived to 104+ which for me, in spite of all the caretaking and frequent admonishment of me by her when still in her "mother" mode, I received the greatest gift she could give me, when at 103 she said, "You know--I never had a best friend growing up or as an adult (my parents divorced in 1945 when I was 4 years old and she never remarried). I feel like YOU are my best friend..." What a blessing that was for me, and I told her that she would never have had to doubt my love for her, and that if she did, that it would have made me very sad. So, for the last year of her life, we were each other's best friend, and I finally understood my mother--all her insecurities, perfectionism required of us, her what seemed so often to be "conditional" love, etc. She was the one who changed--she opened her heart up even at that late date--an amazing feat, I would say--she learned the concept of "trust" finally in her life. What a blessing, for us both. We have no say in whom we get as parents, and certainly a life-long remonstration and questioning of everything we do or don't do in our own lives gets to be really old, still somewhere deep within our injured souls we must recognize that this person brought us into life and stood by us in some fashion--even though feeding us and giving us housing was all--that for our own sakes we must acknowledge that, and try to find gratitude for the smallest things, and vow to do better by our own kids or other little ones with whom we have regular contact. It is in allowing ourselves the gift of feeling gratitude that will make us whole, and open our spirits to what we might say at the final goodbye. I am sure you will find the right words at that time....
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I had a small viewing...an hour long from. 11 am to 12 noon....noon we headed to cemetery....priest said a few words...over quickly....nothing was said and no obituary was put in the paper. Mom was loved by all of us, no need to advertise. I think these are private moments.
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Thank you so much for posting this nature73! There are a lot of us that fit into the same category. My mother did the best she could I'm sure, but she was neglectful and showed love to her favorites for most of her life. I think Diamond Angel said it best, make the ceremony short and don't feel like you have to offer more. It is sad that we all suffer with these type of things, first taking the abuse that often comes with those who decline in age, feeling guilt, thinking we are not doing enough, and then having to deal with sibling issues, etc. I have spent a year being judged by others who do nothing to help. This year will be different.
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SusanW56 Jan 2019
Stay strong TwinRivers....you’re not alone in what you’re going thru!! 🤗
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Here's my personal solution: I'm not having a funeral so there will be no (fake) eulogy. I am donating her body to the university. Funerals are for the ones who are left. My siblings won't come (I don't blame them) and she is estranged from everyone left in her family.
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Davina Jan 2019
I like it!
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Sorry I haven't read other comments, but my idea for you is what I think wud giv you the most peace: Say how sometimes mom struggled, (as we all do), & that because God is perfect, you know He gave you the mother you were suited to, (& that you cared for her 2honor God Who gave you that trust). And now you trust that she finally finds rest with Him. Amen.
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I already answered but I thought I would put this poem here for anyone who needs it for something less religious. It is by Henry Van Dyke. I don ot know if his permission is needed but I think if you credit him you should be fine. Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
 
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
 
Gone where?
 
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
 
And that is dying...
 
by Henry Van Dyke

Let us know how the funeral went.
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My mom was also quite difficult and we bumped heads until I was in my later 40's. She mellowed out a lot with dementia and some little mini strokes, while the Lord changed my point of view and patience level.
When she passed I did the eulogy and started by addressing the elephant in the room... My mother being a challenge. I said we were going to remember her as she was... Good and difficult. That also helped others to share honestly. Some of the stories shared were priceless and gave us all a chance to laugh, to cry, and to remember both good and bad. So my suggestion is to just be honest.
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SusanW56 Jan 2019
OldKae; that was very well said and will be helpful when my time comes as my mom (81) has ALWAYS been so critical and of my sister and I but has lots of reasons and possible excuses for other people’s downfalls. Spending so much time with her again as caregiver has been really hard to endure. I have been able to keep most people like this out of my life and the little interactions with mom had been bearable.
I didn’t mean to go off on a rant. Thank you again for sharing your experience.
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Nature73; SORRY for your loss but it sounds like you have already written your eulogy for your mother you have already told about her life!! That is LOVE ... sometimes especally the older generation well they have a hard time showing tenderness and love , maybe it is easier for them to show Tough love than tenderness hey but its still Love , its hard to be a parent we all know there are no instruction books about being a parent so just remember any thing you write about your mothers life is going to be LOVEING!! So go with your eulogy I am sure its Beautiful and your mom would be proud!!
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So sorry for your loss. You could make your eulogy short and focus on the good things. Add a prayer verse or two.
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Your mother was not just your mother. She was a woman who led a life. Write about her achievements and her qualities as a person; and let other children of other, more naturally maternal mothers write about their mothers' virtues in their own way.

When my BIL's mother died I was agog to hear what he would have to say about her in his eulogy. I adored his mother but I was almost alone in my fondness for her. She was a woman of sharp intelligence who could have been anything if she'd been born fifty years later; as it was circumstances had frustrated her intellect and her ambition, and regrettably her abilities in her older age were often devoted to making life H*ll for those around her. BIL did not make any false claims about her sweetness or loving care. He talked about her interests, her living through key moments in world history and the perspective on these that she'd noted in her diaries, her vividness and wit. What became clear was that he loved her not because of her character as a mother, but in spite of it; and that he had all the same loved her devotedly.

So don't say anything about your mother that isn't true. The people listening will to a greater or lesser extent know what she was like, and quite apart from the fact that the words will stick in your throat you won't be fooling anybody. Have you forgiven her for not being the mother you would have liked to have had? Did you love her for herself? Did the demands she made on you have any positive influence on what you have become? Then say that. Love comes in many flavours. They're not all sweet.
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You could always add a slide show of pictures to fill in the gap of time of your eulogy
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I am a believer in truth and honesty.

If you have nothing good to say about someone, because the person was not a good person, then why sugar coat things?

I think you did the best you could by focusing on her life, without using words that show her to be a good person or mother. That was likely more than she deserved, if she was a mean and nasty person.

It seems in our society people are taught to only say good things about dead parents, even if they were evil.

I am glad to hear that you followed your own counsel in this matter.
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I was asked by a relative at a funeral, where I was to give the eulogy, how I had anything nice to say about the deceased. I responded that I could fine nice things to say about anyone--including them. Stick to the positive and there has got to be some positive things. Did the person teach you anything? Did they have a hobby/work they were passionate about? Did they love their pet? What did they accomplish in their life? You don't need to express affection if it is not there. "Just the facts, maam". This is for the benefit of the people attending. What would they like to hear about or be reminded of?
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Honestly, the eulogy aside, a large farm family can be a guilt inducing dynamic of too many mouths to feed especially during the depression. I was put through the same language with a family of 5 girls and a sick mother and an absentee father.
I vowed to never have kids as i saw them to be only a huge burdon. I feel like a farm hand with no paycheck, and was made to feel guilty for being alive. But not by the mother but by the grandmother, whom i wound up caring for when she was dying because no one else could stand her . Rising above her acerbic personality and killing her with kindness was empowering for me.
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It might be more than narcissism. she may have been treated badly in her life.

Because she never related to what she did, For you yourself, consider just forgiveness and think of something that she was as she worked or her thoughts with other children. Make it simple and there were those maybe that cared for her.
She is gone and you want to go on for you and your dad. It is a big job and just know that it is done and ask God to help you with this matter as you go through it.
Live and know that you must go forward and possible get council someone else if you need to. Hospice can help you if you feel you need more healing inside.
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THERE IS NOTHING THAT SAYS A EULOGY MUST BE A SPECIFIC LENGTH OR COVER ALL PERIODS OF ONE'S LIFE. IF YOUR MOM WAS BETTER AS SHE GOT OLDER, MAYBE YOU CAN PUT SOMETHING IN ABOUT THAT PART OF HER LIFE OR LEAVE IT WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT
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My personal opinion ONLY- it may be better FOR YOU to pick the time when you had the BEST, MOST LOVING relationship with her, and focus on that.
My mother and I had a horridly contenscious relationship during parts of my life, but only after she died did I realize how seriously damaged she was by anxiety and ultimately severe agoraphobia.
After becoming a grandmother (and BEGGING ME not to have children), she became the dearest, most functional grandmother a child could ever have had, and also opened herself to me in always that I would not have even remotely expected.
It has been MUCH better for me to forgive who she was during the bad times, and cherish the memories of the cozy loving days of her later years.
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I would focus on the positive things that happened over the years,
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To all who answered: thank-you! I followed advice & kept things neutral & even incorporated some of the phrases offered. The service went very well & my brother said the eulogy was "spot on". That made me very happy.
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Daughterof1930 Jan 2019
Thanks for letting us know it went well. Wish you well as you move forward
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Nature73; SORRY for your loss !and Thank you for the update ! Im sure you did A perfect job ..
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Your eulogy to your mother can be elaborated on by her life story. When a LO dies, we don't tend to talk about the negative things that they did. We let them fade away and remember, with fondness and love, the good in the deceased.
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