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You have been given lots of great advice. I too am an only child. My childhood wasn't ideal but not almost horrific. I question why you want to help them at all. I know that may seem crass but you were seriously abused and still need therapy understandably.

Are you concerned at all at the state of their house? It took my husband and I 6 months to clear out a 1 bedroom apartment of my mother's. It was beyond exhausting. Do you feel this will one day be your responsibility and is there anything to gain from it?

I agree with others to put yourself first. If your parents are still difficult to you then you are punishing yourself to be around them. If you want to still at least move to where you might be happiest. They chose the behavior in raising you. People generally are advised to cut off contact from an abusive situation. I hope you find the right choice to give you some happiness.
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Don't move closer to your parents. You have no intention of becoming their caregiver and certainly don't want to either.
I certainly understand when people do not want to become caregivers to their parents especially abusive ones, so no judgments here on that score.
It's important to be honest about it to your parents though and make them understand that you will not be available. Move to the larger city that is further away if it's what you want.
If you do move closer and they lose independence, being available only for 'emergencies' will not be emergencies. Being out of ice cream will be an emergency. Boredom becomes an emergency. A fabricated health crisis when you have plans made in advance that you're excited about becomes an emergency.
They won't have a serious talk with you about any future plans or living arrangements because they probably think that you'll take care of them if the time comes when they can't anymore.
Make them have a talk with you. Don't back down. If you don't want to be their caregiver, you have to make them listen.
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Luckily, I didn't have toxic parent problem, but when my mom needed more help, her living a 4 hr drive away became harder. I kept in touch by phone and arranged dr visits in groups, and usually visited in long weekends about every 6 to 8 weeks and went with them to appts and checked on things around the house then. You can arrange longer care, if they can afford it when necessary, and do online delivery for the groceries and supplies. If possible get POA, both medical and durable set up now. Get account numbers of all banking/credit cards. Move as many regular bills to autopay as you can and set up online access that you can monitor.
Once my mom needed Assisted Living, and now Memory Care, I moved her to a facility near me,because you don't want to be responding to issues like the inevitable falls or illnesses or hospitalizations that will occur from that distance. You can hire a geriatric care manager, but its always going to be more stressful from a distance.
My suggestion is to choose your city life, and make periodic trips down to monitor the situation. You can always stay in a hotel, not with them if you need to stay overnight.
Move them to your city when they need more care. There are probably more options for that in a bigger city, than they have in their small town anyway.
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I really had no choice. I'm an only child, and since my dad knew my mother had lots of health issues and he was 10 years older than she he chose the home they had lived in for 40 years and moved from Central Florida to South Florida, 10 minutes away from me.

I was 43 when my father passed, 4 years after the move. My mother didn't drive so became the "surrogate husband", taking her on errands and to doctors' appointments. After 6 years I decided to relocate to another state. We bought a house in a suburb of the city and moved her to a 55+ community 25 miles away where everything was shiny and new. I felt that offered enough distance as I was in the midst of my career but could still see her once a week. I hired someone to take her on errands and occasionally she went with friends in her community. She never asked to visit our house because she knew it was a drive. (She did live with us for a couple of weeks when we moved and that was enough.) Yes, she is difficult like your mother. Co-dependent, has OCD and frequent depression.

Now that she is in hospice in assisted living 50 miles isn't too much to drive to visit her a few times per week. Everyone has there has own circumstances but I've found that a 45-minute drive works out well.
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A geriatric care manager is a professional person who comes in and assesses your parents' situation (with your input).

S/he the sits down with your parents and makes a professional (and often impressive) presentation about what your parents need.

Some elders buy in to this presentation and realize that it isnt just "the kid" who is telling them this stuff.

Others are far more stubborn.
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Yes, I am an only child. I arranged the aide and lawn care because my mother kept making excuses: haven't found anyone, too expensive, don't have time, didn't like him, etc, etc. I would get so upset even thinking about coming home and wondering if the lawn had been mowed or if the house was clean. And hearing her on the weekly call, oh my back hurts, my foot hurts, I can't mop, the vacuum is too heavy. So, I used their money and hired "the staff." I will make sure it continues. My father will pay for it but makes no effort to arrange any of it. I guess I am grateful he has the funds and agrees to pay. My mother also has funds and she does volunteer to pay. She can be impulsive and swings b/t overpaying and underpaying, not being realistic. Yes, they are competent to make their own decisions at this time. I think you picked up on something correctly. I am afraid of being sucked into their lives and having no life of my own. Even if I am sitting in my own house in their town, my life will be about them. I know I can choose not to let it and get involved with activities and people in the smallish town but I have sneaking suspicion that my mother has said things about me to neighbors and such, that are not true. Just from the cold reception I get sometimes. Its not insurmountable, just wish I didn't have to deal with it. Or, hearing, "your mom's so sweet" in the grocery store. Funny thing, even if I am 3 hours away in the Big city, my life is still about them, worrying when/if I need to hit the highway and drive to be there for the next visit or crisis.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
Great article: 25 Signs of Covert Narcissism: A Special Kind of Mind Game

https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/signs-of-covert-narcissism

#23 They will make you look bad to make themselves feel and look better. Working behind the scenes, a covert narcissist will often talk badly about the person they are closest to. Having to paint themselves as the martyr, the only way they can make themselves look good is by making everyone else look bad. That makes them the victor.
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My mother has lived about 15 minutes from me for the past 10 years. The minute I retiree she will expect me to move in with her. I visit when I can ( not enough for her) stay as long as I can ( not long enough for her) and take care of things for when I can ( Never enough and never good enough). There are days when this works and days it doesn't. When I was about to get out of college I had a serious offer to move to the Pacific northwest. To be honest I wish would have maybe my mother wouldn't have moved to be nearer to me if I lived there. If I lived with my mother that still wouldn't please her because I would occasionally have to go the the bathroom or God forbid spend more than five minutes away from her. If your parents have been miserable together all their lives they will continue to make you miserable even if you are less then 5 feet from then 24/7.
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If you can find a happy life "in a small town" and stick to your going over once a week then being closer when something happens (and perhaps you want to visit daily for a while) will be easier. But you ask about the smaller town like that's really not where you want to be... why? Because the town is small and you believe you will not be happy there? Or because your parents would live there too? I love living in a smaller town and being able to drive to the larger cities around me when I choose. Not dealing with the traffic congestion of a larger city on a daily basis is a big bonus to me, but, I have friends and family I enjoy seeing around here too. If you enjoy larger cities and/or have friends there, or maybe employment opportunities, then the larger city may work better for you.

I think you are concerned if your parents were closer your contact with them would open old wounds. My parents were not neglectful during my childhood but my father was neglected as a child and when he developed vascular dementia his personality changed and he became very verbally abusive. It was hard to take hearing someone who you love saying such hateful things. I decided I could not handle Dad's daily hands-on care and I placed him in an MC where I visited at least weekly and made sure he had everything he needed and a lot of the stuff he just wanted. It worked well for both of us.

You need to take care of yourself. Be honest with yourself on what you can endure, because this is going to be a difficult path regardless. Make the choice you believe you need to protect yourself. If that means taking care from a little more distance, you can make that work. If you decide to rent or purchase in your small town to test the waters, be ready to declare it isn't working and relocate to the larger town. Or relocate to the small town from the larger one. It doesn't have to be a permanent decision now, although I understand why you would like it to be. Since it is a small town, maybe you could purchase a small weekend get-away cabin on a scenic spot you like and enjoy it while you take an hour to visit the parents?
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Beethoven13 Oct 2021
Thanks so much! Your reply is very helpful. You bring up some thought provoking points. And you are right, either choice doesn't have to be forever. I have been thinking of the big city choice as being my get away place and where I would live while things are going okay. the negative is it puts me in their home whenever I visit or need to stay overnight. Something to think about.
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In my family dynamic I was very close to both parents, but my siblings not so much. One lives far away and we get along fine. The one in our hometown is very difficult to be around or talk with for any length of time. Having some distance is vital. We have a cordial, but uninvolved relationship and that’s what works best. I’d encourage you to move to the place that best meets your needs and wishes, don’t make any promises to your parents that may have to be undone, and implement boundaries on what you will and won’t do. It’s never wrong to look out for your own health
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Beethoven13 Oct 2021
Thanks so much. Your reply is helpful and how well I know, its never wrong to look out for your own health and wellbeing. I appreciate the support.
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Have them hire a geriatric care manager; don't move close by if you don't want to . Naturally, you use THEIR funds to do this.

If anyone should be doing the moving, it's them.

Are their legal papers in order: POA for health care and finances? Are they aware of the fact that you have no intention of becoming their caregiver? Assumptions can be dangerous things.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
I always forget about that; a geriatric care manager! Although I can't understand how such a person would make medical decisions and such for the elder? Or does the POA still get the final say?
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Yeah, a catch-22 this is, definitely. I too am an only child. The situation was reversed, though: my elderly parents lived in FL and I lived in CO when my dad had 3 fender benders back to back & decided himself to stop driving. My mother-the-queen would not take on the driving, even though she had a license, so there was no other choice but for me to move them close to me here in CO. They sold their house and moved 5 miles away from me to an Independent Living senior apartment in 2011. I was 54 at the time. Mind you, I cried before they made the move; my new DH was stupefied. Why was I crying? Ha; he would learn a lot about why I was crying b/c I have/had parents just like yours. Mom is the bully, dad was shut down after years of tolerating her abuse. I was in heaven b/c for the first time EVER, they were thousands of miles away from me and I had my own life, now they were coming baaaaaaaack.

I helped them move, unpacked them, all of it, and got them set up with doctors and everything so they could live in the new place. I visited once a week, picked up their RXs at the store, did pretty much everything for them with mom complaining (as usual) the entire time. Then dad fell one night & broke his hip in July of 2014; all hell broke loose; he had to go to Assisted Living now and mom was making a federal case b/c she didn't want to go. Long story short, I had to find an AL that would take him, move dad in after rehab, then liquidate their apartment, and move my screeching mother in with dad to a small AL unit. Horrible. He died 10 months later in June of 2015 and by then, I knew mom was on the dementia highway.

Fast forward to now: she lives in Memory Care Assisted Living 4 miles down the road from me, is just under 95, and the only thing worse than a covert narcissistic mother is one with advanced dementia who's fallen 80x, been in and out of the hospital and ERs for the past 10 years, rehabs, specialists offices, doctors, neurologists, you name it, she's been there with me taking her b/c I am all she's got. And I'm the POA for both medical and financial. They signed their $$$ over to me in 2014 when dad broke his hip and I've been managing their lives ever since. As an only child, what's the alternative? When the $$$ runs out soon, I will apply for Medicaid on her behalf and off she goes to a Skilled Nursing Facility with a roommate, God help me.

I pretty much speak to her daily on the phone, or more if she's super confused and blowing it up. I visit once a week and it's normally not a fun visit. Again, this has been going on since 2011 and even though I don't do 'hands on care' I'm burned out to a crisp. If I had it to do all over again, what would I change? Nothing I guess. I set pretty strong boundaries about what I'll do/not do, when I'll visit, etc. It's still awful b/c my mother has the personality of a snake and I have a lot of resentment. But again, I'm all she's got. I have to be her advocate or there will be nobody else to do it. And while I may not 'deserve' it, it's my cross to bear, that's how I look at it.

My DH now knows why I cried in 2011, and why I still cry, except now, I think he silently cries WITH me, to be honest. Walking this path is the hardest thing I've ever done in my 64 years of life. Bar none.

In your case, move close enough so you won't have to drive for hours to be there when the crises hit, and hit they will. Their house will have to be sold (probably) at some point to finance their care in AL or whatever; these are things to think about. And what boundaries YOU will set down and enforce for your mental and emotional wellbeing. Otherwise, you'd have to make them a ward of the state and IDK how you'd feel about doing such a thing.

My stomach hurts for you, as it always does for myself. Wishing you the best of luck and Godspeed as you enter this phase of your life. I pray that you will take care of YOURSELF while embroiled in their lives. You matter too.
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Daughterof1930 Oct 2021
Lea, whether your mom can ever tell you or not, she’s blessed to have you. You’ve done a commendable job in a tough place
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You should never physically care for your parents nor move in with them, and not live in the same town. There are lots of posts on this forum where children abused in some way are taking care of parents and now can't get out of it.

Your next talk with Mom and Dad should not be what do u have planned but that they should be planning for their future because they should not plan on you physically caring for them. They should get a POA and you can be that but POA does not mean ur at their beck and call or you are legally bound to care for them physically or financially. Its a tool, a tool you can use when they are no longer competent to pay bills and make decisions where they should be placed. You have to make it clear, you will not be caring for them or living with them.

If you want to live in the city, live in the city. You go where you will be happy. Mom made sure she did what she wanted raising you, you have a right to do what you want.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
I agree that the OP should never physically care for her parents and NEVER move in with them, but living in the same town (or close by) tends to be a necessity when very old parents are involved. Driving for long distances just adds more stress to an already overloaded plate. #Truth
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You have managed to get them the care they needed from a distance so far and I can't see any reason for you to change that dynamic. Living closer would only be useful if you anticipated hands on caregiving, if you are not immediately available the next move into an appropriate care facility will be much more self evident.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
Even in managed care, there is a TON of responsibility for the child of the elder!!! People think "OH just place your parents in AL and that's the end of your troubles!" Which is a huge lie. ALL decisions are made by the POA when an elder is in managed care; all calls come to the POA; all doctor visits have to be discussed with the POA once the elder can't remember what's going on, etc. Rarely a few days go by where I'm not having to do SOMETHING for my mother in Memory Care AL, and it was the same thing when she was in regular AL! I have to supply her with snacks, Depends, toiletries, clothing, shoes, etc. That type of thing is ALL on the POA! When she goes to the ER, I have to follow the ambulance & meet her there, etc.
"Hands on caregiving" doesn't only mean what you think it means!
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I read through your post twice. Are you an only child? The 9 hours/week that there is a caregiver there won't be enough after a while. Did you arrange that for them? You arrange the lawn care. Why did you have to arrange these services, if your mother can them herself. Is she mentally competent? Do you have POA?

You don't have to be in the same town as your parents. While of course being across the continent isn't ideal, if they have adequate care, certainly a few hours away should be enough. It sounds like you are accepting that you are going to be their services manager because your mother expects it? And I'm betting she will also expect you to be on-site as they need more and more care, unless they have the finances to hire fulltime (24/7/365) care.

As long as they are competent to make their own decisions, do not let your mother bully you into doing everything for them as their needs increase. Considering the emotional and physical abuse in the past from your mother, please know that you do not owe them anything. This just sounds like a precarious situation for you in that you are already imagining you have no other choice than to become involved in their lives every single day. And you don't want that. You don't need that. You deserve better!
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