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In case you missed it when I replied to your idea of mediation: my mother's DOCTOR requested the "round table" discussion b/c the option my mother wanted wasn't viable or safe and my brother wouldn't outwardly go against her wishes, though he knew what she wanted just wouldn't work.

We even had one of Mom's neighbor present who helped her a lot.

This would put everyone on the same page, everyone would have the information they needed...including the bullies.

Do it. Involve the doctors.

Edit: Involving doctors takes you out of the "lazy" and selfish category.
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We already knew the kind of people you are dealing with.

So with the suggestions offered below, what are you willing to do? Or even consider doing?

Time is short on this, remember.

Why not "drop" MIL off at the guardian's? (Easier said than done, yes...but status quo isn't going to solve anything.)
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Yorkie473mom Apr 2022
Going to have a talk with my husband tonight. I feel like it is too much. At the very least, i would need in home help/adult daycare. But even then, I feel like there is too much going on in my life right now. My first priority has to be my immediate family including my health during and after this pregnancy.
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Considering using a mediator to discuss things with his family so i can actually get a word in without being interrupted.
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del356 Apr 2022
My mother's doc did this...lots of professionals and family around a big table.
Excellent idea. Not fool-proof BUT the pros can point out ALL the care involved...and might even lay out that your MIL needs to be elsewhere if she's to get the care she needs.
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My sister in law is the one with POA for medical and financial as well as being MIL's legal guardian. She keeps insisting "mom would not want that" and insisting that its no extra work for me. My husband and I are the only ones in the family with children.
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del356 Apr 2022
This doesn't change the nature of the problem or the replies you'll receive or have received.

Except....

No other family members have children. Bingo.

Use that as part of the Golden Ticket.
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“They interrupt us, and seem to think that its my duty to do this. Ive been told" its not any extra work for you" and " you dont do anything anyway because you are a stay at home mom" by his siblings.”
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poodledoodle Apr 2022
Maybe the same words they told you OP, will be told to them one day.
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Your first priority is your own immediate family of your husband and children and self. This must not suffer due to your MIL's care situation. It is suffering, and thus the caregiving arrangment is not working, so it must change. You get to decide, not your inlaws. Not even your husband. You and only you. I think informing them that you also have a medical reason to stop hosting her will be hard for them to argue against, should they try.

MACinCT's story of the neighbor gave a good strategy. I would also give a deadline and be ready to stick to it. Your in-laws will probably be pissed so just know this, but they will get over it. And probably respect you more for putting up this boundary. Please don't be a doormat.

Your MIL should be the one paying for the adult day care, or extra in-home helper. DO NOT agree to any arrangement that requires you to pay for it. Eventually MIL's condition will require 24/7 care and that will be exceedingly expensive. A facility will actually be less expensive at that point. So, maybe she is transitioned now while she still can choose which one. If she can't afford it, then she should apply for Medicaid.

Who is PoA for MIL? Is it your husband? Hopefully it's one of the siblings. This would be helpful information. May you receive great wisdom, courage and peace in your heart.
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Oh my Lord when I read that you had a toddler and were pregnant I thought.....this is way too much for you. Do not sacrifice your health or risk losing your baby over the stress. Tell hubby no more!

Until something is decided let hubby take over ALL her duties when he comes home from work. This should be your time to relax with your toddler even if its just playing outside. He will not understand your stress until he does it alone. Use some weekend time to visit a park or get ice cream with your little one.

It will only get worse with your MIL. You cannot sacrifice your family especially the children for her care.

To start you could hire a caregiver to come in part time to assist MIL at home. Make MIL do what she can on her own. Do not baby her.

Probably best to move her to assistive living (ASL). Ask her doctor for some recommendations to start scheduling tours WITH your husband.

Let hubby schedule a come to Jesus mtg with his siblings. They need to cough up some $$ if they cannot take MIL for relief for you. Let them know ASL is the plan. You cannot care for her longer.

I still am going with the ASL living situation.
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I'll say it again: What in hell is wrong with people?

Your health, pregnancy, and general well-being are on the line here. And from the looks of it, people are going to have to be forced to step up--as in, invite people to offer solutions (not criticism) b/c the present situation is impossible to maintain, ESPECIALLY when the new baby arrives.

Make an objective list of all the responsibilities, all the care she needs. Be detailed, remain objective (so you are not accused of being selfish)--just the stone-cold hard facts about her daily needs AND how they need to be met.

This should take pages.

Your husband made a promise. Well, life is what happens when you're busy making plans. (The Universe has a way of laughing, and saying, 'Awww, aren't you precious? Here's a fly in your ointment--now what're you gonna do?')

The promise didn't include the present set of circumstances, and if he feels he must keep that promise--it will be to the detriment of his own immediate family--so he would need to force his family to help in a manner that alleviates the caregiving on your part.

You can't do this. Too much has been placed on you already.

Perhaps his mother guilted him into the promise, maybe felt like he had to promise that.

Was she the type of person who would've liked to be the burden she is now, in a growing family?

Things change. Circumstances and people change. Promises need to be evaluated in light of changes. Period.

Nothing will change unless you objectively assert yourself. Must. be. done.

While it is beneficial for kids to grow up around those needing care, the situation you describe isn't.

As for someone suggesting bringing in caregivers, I'd say not. You will still be taking care of a lot of things plus will have to train caregivers, replace them, train again, etc., all while taking care of the kids, house, husband, etc.

And I haven't even mentioned taking care of yourself, which clearly you aren't doing b/c the circumstances prevent that.

Your husband also has an allegiance to you, his kids. He's in a rock and hard place, but so are you.

There needs to be compromise. His promise isn't practical. He needs to face the hard, stone-cold facts and face his family with them.

This will get messier before it levels off.

Maybe give family a deadline. By such and such a date. Or she will have to get placed. Not b/c you don't love her but b/c it's impossible under the circumstances.

Stay objective. Remain logical.

Super-big, warm hugs to you.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
Nothing is wrong with the rest of the family. No one wants the responsibility of an incontinent, nearly invalid elder with dementia in their home. Totally understandable. I would never have such a person ever living with me. The problem is no one in the family is willing to be honest with each other and say it. None of them want to take the MIL. Even the SIL who is legally responsible for her.
The family should not be pushing the care of the MIL off on the OP who has a family and a baby on the way. That's not fair or right.
If no one wants to assume the hands-on care of the MIL, or have her living with them, they should all (the whole family) start looking for a care facility to place her in.
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