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We took her car keys from her two years ago when she was less dementia. She depends on someone to get food for her because of that. The meal thing seems to be new a month or two ago. And two falls where she could not get up in one month as well.
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MACinCT Aug 2023
She could be falling because she is not eating well. Has she lost weight? This would place her dementia at the advanced stage
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You can “force” her into a facility where she gets 24/7 care that she obviously needs RIGHT NOW.

Stop providing meals and everything else that you’re doing. None of that is in her best interest anymore.
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Why not just go a prepare the meals for her, and make sure she eats?
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MargieRKB Aug 2023
How many times a day are we talking going to her house? Granted, it is three miles away, but that ties us up a lot.
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Meals on Wheels?
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MargieRKB Aug 2023
I have thought of that. She is extremely hard of hearing and doesn't always hear or answer the door.
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A good facility will give her a lot of important social exposure and interaction, not to mention all the attention and care she needs and accepts. Her family gets as much peace of mind as is possible in these circumstances. She is as much "warehoused" in her own home as in a facility. Even more so, since she's isolated day in and day out (and I'm making this point to preempt certain responders who believe that staying in the home is ALWAYS the better solution. Nope.)

Do whatever it takes to get her transitioned. It may require a call to APS if no one is her PoA or legal guardian. Or, a trip to the ER where it may be possible to work with their social worker to get her directly admitted to a facility.
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Geaton777 Aug 2023
Cover909, why are you so bitter and prejudiced against all facility care? Is it based on (probably) 1 bad experience? Have you been in the one where my MIL is? No. I have written on the forum often of her amazing facility and the great care she receives there. Are you saying I'm a liar? Stop making uninformed blanket statements. It is merciless (and clueless and selfish) to scare and shame posters for no reason in their time of stress and need.
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Ideally you want to honor her wishes to stay in her home and have what is safe & secure & best for her. But sometimes that flat cannot dovetail.

I’m not going to go into ideas for meals, I’m sure others will.

But here’s what I want you & hubs to pause & seriously, SERIOUSLY, think about: what if there is a fire? Do you really want her putting something in the micro and setting the dial on till forever and having a fire happen? Do you actually want her reheating food on the stove? Even if she has an induction cooktop, there still is burn risk. Do you think she has the ability to tell if a food is safe to eat? I’d be really concerned about this, especially in the current heat wave across the US. The way you describe her, she does is not seem competent or cognitive enough to safely be able to live on her own and be able to judge if something is an issue or an emergency.

Did her MD tell you she needed a skilled nursing facility aka a NH or did he/she leave it more open ended? If so, please have her get a needs assessment done. It’s usually Where a duet of RN and SW come to her home to talk with her and observe her to see what her abilities are so that they can recommend what level of care she needs. You don’t want to be wasting time and energy looking at AL or MC when it’s a NH that she most definitely needs to be in.

Sometimes IL or AL type of facilities will do “play dates” rather than a required outside assessment. My moms did: we went for a tour and lunch, they had her eat at the residents table and then she went off to participate in a regularly scheduled residents activity (maybe arts & crafts, or gardening) that’s interactive. All done to see if she “fit” in for ADL & social level somewhat expected. Mom even tho in her 90’s was good for IL. FWIW the IL had regular fire drills and if a resident could not do them (the big fail was waiting for elevators), the resident got a 30 day notice they needed to move to higher level of care. Fortunately my mom aced the fire drills, her final straw to go from IL to NH were wandering hallways at night and imaginary animals.

I’d also be really concerned about MiLs dehydration. If she doesn’t understand eating, I bet she’s not drinking enough fresh water. If she gets confused and goes outside in current heat wave, it’s really a health concern if not a crisis for folks. One advantage should this happen, is that she will be taken via EMS to the ER/ED and it is a way to get her out of her home permanently so instead of returning her back to her home she goes into a facility. Just sayin’….
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MargieRKB Aug 2023
That ER/ED visit is what we hope will "fix" these issues. She's fallen and been unable to get up twice last month.
Her PCP ordered home health care. He feels it will be better for an incident to move her from the ER to a facility.
We are aware that there are risks to leaving her in her home.
I can't even get to her a beauty shop. I don't know how I can get her to look at AL.
We tried to get her to agree to look at AL two years ago. She adamantly refused.
We think she would prefer to die in a house fire, awful as that sounds. She insists she will not leave home, that she wants to die there.

The kicker: she was once a discharge planning nurse. She put people into NH.
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If she's losing weight then meal supplements like boost might be a partial solution. Better would be having a real live person who can heat up her meals and sit with her while she eats, even if it's only several meals a week - you don't need a nurse or CNA level caregiver for this.
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Grandma1954 August 4, 2023 3:00 pm
You say in your post you can not "force her into a care facility"
Why not?
Is your husband POA? If not who is? The POA is the one that makes the decision that can place her in Memory Care or not. Particularly since her PCP states that she should be in Memory Care.
Actually if anything happens to her while she is living alone there is the very slight possibility that APS may be contacted as it might be considered "neglect".

Unless you or someone else is going to be there with her for meals there is no way that you can be assured that she is going to eat.
That is the least of the potential problems.
What if she goes to get the mail...and decides to take a walk...and gets lost.
What if she leaves the water running ... how soon would it be before you discovered the flood?
Is it possible that she could leave the stove on or have you disabled it?
I would be very uncomfortable allowing her to continue to live alone.
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MargieRKB Aug 2023
So both her PCP and a lawyer have given us advice on the neglect and abuse. We are OK in our state. She is "on the verge" of needing admission to a care facility.

We do have POA and healthcare POA.

As far as wandering, she is unable to walk very far because of arthritis. So that keeps her home.

She could leave the stove on. We do have cameras that monitor the kitchen. I have not caught her using the stove. She uses mostly the microwave.
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Her life can be even more pleasant in AL, my mother is in one, everything is done for her, meals, laundry, assistants with bathing, nurses on duty and more.

I do not know why people keep saying it is unpleasant, my mother has made new friends her own age, bus trips, activities. Being alone, eating alone is not the answer.

Take a good long look from the outside, this is not about what your needs are, what you want to do....it is about what is best for her, it is always better to do this before it becomes an absolute necessity, they adjust much better.

Might be time to reframe your thinking.
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Abzu00 Aug 2023
Sadly because not all homes, AL, NH, MC are not created equally and you hear more negative things then positive.
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