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I'm 44 and my partner of 7 years is 71 years old. He is now starting into 3rd stage COPD and refuses to do anything. He will not even get up to go to the bathroom. He uses on urinal. I get all his drinks. I get all his food. I empty out his urinal. I do everything for him he won't even go and take a shower. He takes baths in a bucket where he sits on the couch. He lies to me and says that he is moving around and doing exercises but he's not. Every time I make a doctor's appointment for him he has me canceled it out. He has so much anxiety from sitting in a 3X3 section of our home that he gets an anxiety attack if I move around him too much or try to clean up around him. He can't have people over from 20 minutes at a time without having an anxiety attack because he is forced himself in a tiny little space that is taking over his mind. He's not taking his medications as he should. He's either taking too much or too little. Last year we just lost her home due to back taxes and we live in a camper and now that there's no money or any he can't do very much his friends are no longer around and his family wants nothing to do with him because of his past and I am so burnt out. When I try to talk to him about it he just me up what cuts me off or belittles me or makes fun of me. He'll shut me up when I try to confront him over him lying about moving around when he hasn't moved a muscle. He is even gone so far as to take the remote control to the television and point it at me and push the buttons acting like he's going to turn me off like he turns the television off. Every single thing I do is never good enough for him he's always demanding more I'll sit back down after giving him his meal and getting them to drink and within one minute he's having me get back up for something else. I don't get a single day off. I don't get a single moment off. I do everything for him when he is in third stage not 5th stage. He should be doing it himself. He refuses to do pulmonary rehab. He refuses to do anything. I am at my wit's end he is downright abusive verbally to me and acts like a child anytime I bring anything up. He has actually sat there and says to me blah blah blah blah blah and covered his ears. He is 71 years old not seven and I just don't know what to do anymore I am so frustrated and hurt and scared that if I leave him then I'm going to be committing some crime because he's incapable of taking care of himself now. Is refusing to move around has made him weak as a child and his refusal to move from a 3x3 ft area of the home has made his mind gone to reality and anxiety rules his life all he knows is that couch and it's beyond my control now and I just don't know what to do anymore please anyone who has any suggestions it would help

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My question is WHY. Why do you want to spend your best years being abused?

You are enabling his behavior.
You are also codependent.

First you must realize that you will never change him.

My suggestion is to contact his family and let them know that you're leaving. Then I'd suggest calling Adult Protective Services and let them know that you have contacted his family.

Then walk away and don't look back.

Peace.
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Why are you doing every single thing for this man, enabling him to "bucket bathe" on the couch and pee in a bottle, while you supply him with food and drinks at his every whim??? Go get a job and leave him to his own devices all day, every day. I guarantee you he won't starve or dehydrate, but learn to rely on HIMSELF as the rest of the population does.

We all have issues as we age that make life harder to manage. That does not mean we get to abuse our spouses like dogs, or enable them to live in their own filth and laziness. Stage 3 COPD does not warrant this type of behavior at all, sorry. Force him to act like a civilized human being by leaving the camper from 8am to 6pm daily.

If that doesn't work, take everyone else's advice and leave him. Call APS and report a vulnerable elder on your way out.

Love doesn't act like he's acting towards you. This is a good example of when "love is not enough" to sustain an abusive relationship. You matter too, I hope you realize that.
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My advice, pack up your stuff and leave. This is abuse. There are womans shelters available, this will give you time to find a job and relocate.

There is not one good reason for you to stay, his family is done with his nonsense, follow their lead.

Sending support your way.
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cwillie Sep 2023
I have a feeling he'd miraculously be up off the couch and looking for a new partner immediately after they leave too
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Do you want to be a 24/7 slave to an abuser? If you have a job, find a room to rent somewhere and leave. If you don't have a job, get one. Why would you stay and tolerate this?

I can't see any future in this situation. It sounds like dementia is also kicking in. That's the childish behavior. Call APS and report him as a very sick senior who cannot live alone safely, won't take his meds correcly and is abusive. Don't make excuses about neglect laws. Don't be afraid to just LEAVE. Get away and clear your mind.

Don't let this guy waste more of your life. You are 44, in the prime of your life. This guy sounds like he hates himself and the world. He has too many health issues that will never improve. Don't keep torturing yourself another day!

Do you have family or somewhere to get away? A shelter?
I'm sorry you are dealing with such a nightmare. Only you can change that.
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Your profile was written 3 years ago and says “I fell in love with William we've been together for four years now and I've never been happier he is 68 years old and I'm 41 age is just a number”.

You don’t sound happy now. Would you start the relationship the way things are now? No-one forced you into it, and no-one forces you to stay. If you leave and ask APS to check when you go, either William will start looking after himself, or he will be cared for through APS.

You have had, and have given William, several happy years.  Don’t ruin your memories.
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dkiely33 Sep 2023
Age is not just a number when you get to be this old.
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Leave him and then call APS to tell them of a vulnerable adult who needs help. He is abusive.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2023
Well said, Southernwave.
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Please follow the very good, and well-intentioned, advice of many replies here; you are in a very toxic situation. And you must face the facts: you are being used and you are letting yourself be used. That is not 'love.' You may have fallen in love with this person 3 years ago; age difference can be 'just a number' but some men just want to find a gullible woman who will be an unpaid nurse and maid for them. Don't volunteer any more: running yourself into the ground is not going to get you taken care of in any way (except maybe keeping that camper roof over your head?) A person who lets themselves become a doormat loses any respect from those who wipe their feet on them. This type of abuser is almost like a sadist, getting entertainment and sick pleasure out of your misery, your willing misery (which is masochistic on your part.) Sorry to be blunt but sounds like you are dependent on this man for basic things like food and a place to stay; liberate yourself; in the process this man will have proper authorities assess and attend to him. That is love, the loving thing for both of you. No one is put on earth to be a slave to anyone else. As the wise counselor to a former mate (who ironically later became a psychologist!?) told me, "Let the dead bury the dead": you cannot revive a person hellbent on self-destruction; continuing in the dysfunctional pattern only prolongs/delays the inevitable. Save yourself.
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First...
You are an enabler.
He does not HAVE to get up, he does not HAVE to do anything.....
You are doing everything for him.
Before I began reading your post my initial though and comment would have been this:
With COPD getting up and moving can be a challenge and some physical activity can be almost impossible.
Then I read his age, and your age and my comment would have been this:
There is a big difference in your ages and a 71 year old is not as active as a 44 year old.
Well I tossed all that out the window when I read that you are enabling him so there is no need for him to do anything
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Call a friend or reach out to a shelter. Leave. Really. No drama , no fuss, just discreetly pack and leave. When out, notify Adult Protective Services and explain his actions put him at risk (and you).
He’s not going to change and abusing you is no way to live. Be strong.
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anonymous1732518 Sep 2023
OP probably still "loves" him
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You care for them by not caring for them. Your partner needs a little tough love.

So give him some. Stop enabling his bad behavior and start forcing him to use whatever level of independence he has.

Stop waiting on him hand and foot and do what lealonnie1 in the comments suggests.

Get a job and leave him to his own devices.

Never let anyone belittle you. That's BS right there. The next time he belittles or 'shushes' you tell him to F-off then walk away.
He'll stop that quick enough when he sees that it gets him nowhere and nothing.
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