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I work in a hospital. We deal with this all the time. We give our stubborn patients options: A or B. We don't bargain, and we don't give in, but we do give them choices so they have some control in their environment or schedule. Examples: I have 10 min to rearrange your room, once done, we wont move any more furniture (yes, that's a thing). Physical therapy is at 10am, you participate with the group, or alone in your room without supervision. Dinner is at 5. Eat when it's fresh, or eat it cold, the tray is removed at 7. You can have a shower at 8 or supplies to clean up at the sink. We treat them like teenagers in a way. For your mom, suggest she can do her laundry on Tuesday or Friday (any day that works for your family). She picks, and that is her day forever. You can offer her rides on Wednesday morning or Thursday afternoon (again, what is best for the whole family). It may take a few weeks, but she'll get the hang of it.
I had a similar problem when my Dad moved in. After a few months, we came to an arrangement. At home, my father (90) does laundry on Monday, that's his day. We run his errands on Tuesday; so all doctor appointments, shopping trips, dry cleaning, etc are scheduled for Tuesdays. I do dishes on odd numbered days, he does dishes on even numbered days. Dad has a night out with friends, I drop off and pick up. We go out to eat once a week, his treat (instead of burning the house down trying to cook). We discuss the calendar every two weeks so things don't surprise us. We are flexible for changes as needed. But we don't have the emotional roller coaster of conflicting schedules, or competing power any more.
I suspect some of this is her misplaced need to feel important.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Hey, great option to go out to eat instead of burning the house down! Thanks for the giggle. Love your sense of humor. 😁
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How many of us laughed whilst reading this........... Welcome to the club. Your "sentence" with your mother in law has only been 6 months? Some of us are serving multiple year terms with our parents. Have you had the fight yet about how your washing machine sounds "off" to her and the one her and her husband bought in 1953 never would have made that sound? wait till the jelly she loves comes in a new package that she hates, or how her mouthwash doesn't taste as minty as it use to.......
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She says “don’t put me in a nursing home.” I’d put the responsibility back on her with “our home, our rules and if that doesn’t work for you, it’s unfortunate and you need to find a place where you’ll be happy.” Then stick to your guns.
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You say “we've prayed, we've cried, we've cussed and fussed“, and you know they don’t work.

I’d develop a quick response to her perpetual ‘don’t throw me into the briar patch, brer fox’ (AKA nursing home). “This is not your nursing home and you are not the manager”.

Then two or three follow-ups: "Please do what we ask"; “If you want the services of a nursing home, you will have to move”. Write your own extras – “This is our house and to live here, you follow the rules without complaining”. Repeat repeat repeat.

You can’t persuade her to change. What you can do is draw a clear line in the sand, that you all can see, and see if she stops. If she crosses the line, she has had ample warning of the result.
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Ok - so what I don’t see here so far from anyone is: what is the magical formula for actually placing someone in a facility if they are not willing to go? Whether it is to remove them from your house or remove them from their own house, how do you enforce the eviction to AL or a SNF? What if they get to AL and say I do not wish to stay here? I want to go home? Oh I know - you can refuse the release to your own home under “unsafe discharge” etc. , but what if they can’t live alone or have no place to live? Will the AL keep them if they say “I want outta here”? What happens if they hate it and insist on leaving? Sorry to hijack the post, but I think answers to this is relevant to the poster’s original question.
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Way2tired Mar 2023
You are right. It can be difficult to get her out of the daughters home . If this woman is not cognitively impaired , it’s a problem that she is already in her daughter’s home.

If the old woman was in her own home , and not able to care for herself properly or has signs of dementia and wasn’t safe to live alone, Dept of aging or Adult Protective services can be called to check . They will remove them from the home and place them in AL.

That was the plan for my mother who lived alone . Even though I went over everyday , I knew she wasn’t safe alone the rest of the time . She refused to go to AL . Dept of aging was called , they determined she needed 24 hour supervision . They were due to come back to remove her from the house but Mom ended up in the ER before that and then went to AL from there . While in the hospital they also determined she was not safe to be alone . While in AL My mom finally agreed to see a geriatrician to prove to me that she could go back to her house . Well , nope . She had dementia , no surprise .

But again without a cognitive problem and if this old woman basically takes care of her personal physical needs , it can be difficult . Basically her daughter has to kick her out. But if the woman is not totally independent , including making meals etc. she should be in AL.

My mother used to say she was going to leave AL and I told her she had to figure out how to do that on her own , which never happened.
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To add a bit of humor . I took my mother in when my Dad died and she didn’t like my “ habits “ , so she went back to her own house. Maybe if you change things up your Mom won’t want to stay.

My Mom eventually ended up in AL with dementia.
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Beatty Mar 2023
'Habbits' 😄
Although certainly not laughing at dementia..

My DH likes to go shirtless. He has mentioned he may add pantsless if the future needs it to dislodge adult kids...

Dislodging a MIL may need different tactics!
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callensky1: Your wife's health is the priority. Her mother's living situation must be amended since this dynamic is not working.
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For heaven's sake, just afford the woman the civility of including her or let her know why you can't. And who cares if she puts down a trash bag so that she doesn't get hair on her clothing?

Agree with her that someday, when she gets better, she'll drive again. You know she won't. She knows she won't. Hell, I know she won't. So why are you about it. Pick your battles. Let go of what you can, change what you can't let go of. You didn't want to leave her home alone and that was very good of you. Now you got this lovely little package in the house, wrap it up pretty and do the best you can with it.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
@ForReal

Sometimes the lovely little package in the house needs to be regifted or rehomed for everyone's sake and sanity.
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In your mother n law’s best interests I would look into a caring independent living facility that has levels of care graduating to assisted & skilled care which covers falls, illness or advanced aging. There, she has a chance to meet like minded individuals in similar circumstances that have a better understanding. Hopefully with a caring staff & friendly people she will be much better off for her own happiness. I pray for your patience, empathy & positivity. Aging isn’t a choice.
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Maybe an assisted living facility for your wife's Mom would be the best solution for your family as a whole. Your responsibility is to make sure she is in a place with appropriate care, not necessarily to be the caregivers. The advantage of assisted living is that they have skilled staff who are trained at caring for seniors with disabilities, know about and have special equipment (like shuttle buses with lifts for wheel chairs) and have knowledge and resources about aging. In assisted living they will take care of everything for her. They will provide meals, make sure she takes her medications on schedule, be there to help her move around safely, call EMS if she falls, do laundry and housecleaning, organize appropriate activities, etc. Your wife may have to do the research to find a good place near you that her mother can afford. It's best to find a place near you so that you can visit often, oversee her care, go with her to doctors if needed, take her out for lunch or dinner, etc. All the best to you all!
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I am wondering how are you doing now and if anything changed?
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