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This happens in my situation to Heidi. Is there a chance you can get in touch with Age Concern or the equivalent in your country - sit down with them, have a chat and say there is no way you or your husband can attend to her needs - it is too hard and to ask them to somehow arrange an assessment due to these circumstances or such like
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Get another doctor. She needs to evaluated. If she is in the hospital again you can have her evaluated again especially if she goes to rehab. This is the best way to get her to a nursing facility. Going right from a hospital to nursing care. Medicare more likely to pay. Assets will have to be sold. Office of aging maybe able to help.
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Thing is, in the last few years she's been to the hospital several times -- for a uti that went crazy, a cat bite that got infected, a fall, what may have been a small heart attack and/or severe dehydration. She's had several doctors speak with her, including mental evaluations, per our request, and even a couple psychiatrists came in and talked to her, per our request. Verdict is that she seems well enough. And I honestly don't want to be responsible for her in any capacity. I've done it in many ways since I was a child, and I'm done. She thinks I covet her belongings or her checking account, but I don't. I gladly give up any inheritance to not deal with it anymore, or for her to just simply improve a bit, just enough to where I could actually have a conversation with her that isn't laced with resentment (on her part, or mine).
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Is there any chance you can ring Dr Phil - TV host and ask to be anonymous and ask for urgent help and any other TV shows and documentaries that can be of help. This is urgent and cannot wait. Get in touch with Govt officials as well
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Seems that talking to your Mom i a mute subject. You may just haveto stay away. One day they won't release her because she will have no one who can care for her. Then...the decision of a nursing home won't be hers.
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You are so right JoAnn
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Sometimes when we think about our parents dying we anticipate "grief." Other times we actually anticipate "relief." Emotions can be complicated and we do not always feel what we anticipated. When your life has revolved around caregiving, even in the worst of situations--the one's that you wish would just disappear--the death of your "charge" often brings a sense of "what now?"
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Wishing the parent you are caring for would die is very common and very normal, in my opinion. I believe it is a sign that you are burning out and that you NEED to do something for yourself - something fun or interesting or relaxing or challenging or whatever it is that makes you feel better about life. Not drugs or alcohol. Then you can return to your "job" of caring for your parent with a good attitude. Balance is what is needed. A friend of mine who is a professional care-giver told me I had to do things for myself or I WOULD burn out and burnout leads to elder abuse, which I want to avoid. Use wisdom.
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I've barely spoken with my mom since Feb. 1. She had her tantrum and I left, said I wasn't going to stick around to be screamed at. We've had a few small talks, but oddly she sounds happier and more clear. Maybe she's just happier not being around me. I take her to the doctor and she's spacey, but much more clear and direct with the doctor, and she's more on point at the bank or grocery store, albeit slow. There is something in her where she just completely resents family, I believe. She expects family to let her down, and then they do, within her own standards. I have called the probate court, talked to social workers, her doctor, psychiatrists at the hospital and nothing. It's wait and see, I guess.
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Maybe she is better when she has to do for herself. I know I'm bad. When I start something I want to get it done. Can't wait for someone who is slow. Been like this for years. I know I tend to walk in and run around trying to get things done. Basically because I really don't want to do it but it has to be done. It bugged my Mom who has never been a great housekeeper. We aren't alike in that respect. I took after her sister.
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I was meant to see these comments today and they are so comforting. I've just had another run in with my mom and I've been so upset since then that I've been on the verge of going off the deep end. Here it is the week b4 Mother's Day and I'm trying to forget about our last contact. I feel so guilty and depressed and realize that I really do need to distance myself and do something different. My mother too is spacey a lot with me but much more clear thinking and less angry with everyone else. Is she trying to manipulate me? I don't know anymore. I do know I wish it would end. I can't take much more. I'm so grateful to hear from the rest of you. This site is a real blessing.
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I wonder why some moms are like that, Maridel. I have pondered that so much. My mom isn't the greatest listener or anything, but I feel like if I talk to her, it's on deaf ears, and yet, the neighbor talks to her, or someone at the grocery store, and she's all ears!
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They still see us as kids, the children. To be seen and not heard. My dad doesn't respect a thing I say. I don't know anything, at least in his mind. I'm ok to cook and clean but have an opinion about what he should do or how he could handle something and I'm an idiot. I just have to remind myself that this will pass someday and until then he is the child and I am the adult, in reality.
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OP wrote "I just wish she would die or go away so I wouldn't have to deal with her" and I think this is very very common sentiment. But some day she WILL die, and nobody can speed that up (except suicide) so if you're currently communications by phone, it sounds like you're doing all you can do. So keep it up, and get a Plan for when mom does die. Because then you will be happy right? Actually I think I will go a bit nuts after mom dies. Even after I get her house sold and file her final 2 or 3 tax returns. Maybe I'll have to get a job as a professional paid caregiver since taking care of mom has pretty much sabotaged my current career.
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Someone just wrote, " I think I will go a bit nuts after mom dies." I disagree. My Dad was bedridden and had to be carried to the toilet or cleaned up in bed, change of "pullups" (diapers really) etc. and he could not even eat anything that had not been mashed up. He kept sundowning and pulling out all of his tubes and raging at the nurses and then acting crazy at home and when he finally went to his eternal resting place it was a great relief. I did not mourn, cry, etc. because it had been so difficult dealing with him and caring for him. I loved him when he was whole and healthy but I do not miss him at all now. I am presently caring for my 90 year old Mom and she is not as difficult but, come on, this is one of the hardest jobs on earth - MUCH harder than raising my infant children -and I do not think I will fall apart when she goes. Honesty is healthy. This is very tough going.
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I think I will.go a bit nuts when mom dies, because I am already halfway nutty already, with trying to balance her stuff and my own. Neither is going very well and after she is gone in won't be much happier since I will blatantly be faced with just how much time I have spent on mom. The sibs got away from having to do ANY of it. They can waltz in for the funeral (or skip it) and not be affected at all--they got their lives to themselves. I got to take care of mom and did not get to devote myself to career. So yes I am already seeing how I am nuts for doing this and I will get worse after she's gone. No way to change it, time only goes in one direction.
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Every morning, I carry my narcissistic MIL's breakfast across the street to her house. Every morning I wonder: will she be dead in there? Every morning when I see her curtains pulled back and her door cracked open for me, I sigh with relief and also depression. No, I do not want her dead, but I do want an end to the situation. I suppose I could just leave my also-narcissistic husband and flee. I'm Catholic, though, and mother to three preteen children, so what can I do? I like the comments that say, Take care of yourself. But when? I'm so busy serving everyone else. I'd like to believe that the years? months? after they are both gone will be joyous ones for me, but what if I can't outlive them? I have my own health issues. Small graces are the only hope: enjoy that cup of tea, spend a few minutes on something I love. I live for the smiles of my daughters. Have to go make the coffee now. Wonder if she's dead in there. Probably not.
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Dear Coffeemaid: You are doing great. How wonderful that your daughters are kind to you. Can you call a friend? Are there groups at your church who could give you support? Hang in there - it will not always be this bad. I slaved for years caring for an unappreciative husband and four children and now am single by choice - though not my choice. My daughters are in their 30s now and are a great support. It was well worth it. My son is even coming around to help. It was a great relief when we lost my difficult Dad, although my 90 year old Mom misses him a lot. She is afraid to be alone and I have to pay a teenager to sit with her when I goes out. I tell myself "This Too Shall Pass" and I know it will. Everything and everyone does eventually.

Hang in there - you are making an investment in your children and I believe it will pay off for you in great dividends one day. You are not alone. You are doing a great job.
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