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Is your name on your parent's home deed?

Do you have any "written documents" stating there is an agreement for you to move into your parent's home to be their caregiver?

Are there any receipts, documents or other evidence to show where you have been paying your part to live there?

If you don't have any of the above - You don't have anything. The law can't help you and an attorney will not either.

You say you left your jobs behind and sold everything? What are you living off of? Your parents money?

This may not be the case here at all but do you know what this looks like to a good attorney? That you are just living off of your parents.

I think it is too late for you to be thinking about all of this now.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
I agree with you Haileybug. A Lawyer may take OP's money to "investigate all this". There goes yet MORE resources down the drain. Because, unless I am mistaken the OP came to this household with nothing but some vague agreement to care for the parents. Nothing in writing. No payment. No receipts. No care contract, nothing signed, no payment of rental. No legal agreement.
First thing may happen in the court is the husband standing up and saying "he/she came home, mooching off of us, we want him gone; he/she is only here to get our money". And will likely WIN.
Some are worrying about leaving a demented Mom. But Dad is there, and nothing is said about his condition prohibiting his dealing with his own wife.
I would be on the run from this situation and fast. Call APS from the corner payphone (I know; they don't exist any more)
Even in the best circumstances we see on Forum if often goes wrong, with a well meaning child returning, giving up job, livelihood, to move in with parent, then left with no work history, no one who will hire them, and no place to live.
My advice would be to run, and fast.
(5)
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Does your mother really mean what she is saying? Are you close enough to your dad to get help in bringing the situation under control? Please give us some examples of the things you have done to precipitate the outbursts; for example, if you promised to perform certain services but aren’t doing them, if you are dating and staying out all night, if you are bringing home bed partners or unwanted guests, not shopping for food, or didn’t get an outside job during the day as you promised. Tell us the type of situations that provoke the outbursts and when your parents started breaking their promise to pay you. At some point, you must have trusted them enough to believe that your situation would improve by being there. Were you holding on to two low paying dead end jobs? Was it you or your parents who proposed that you come and live with them? In most situations of this type, there is either a deep sense of obligation to care for parents even if you can’t stand them or else the perception that the relative caregiver has something to gain by doing it. What did you hope to gain? What did you lose when you moved into their house other than a roof over your head. Regardless of what the answers are, I would tread very lightly if I were in your shoes. You need time to plan your escape and land on your feet. Apologize to your mother and be very compliant until you have time to get a job and find somewhere to live. Then pack your bags and leave and let your parents figure out their next move. Regardless of their level of cognition, it’s clear that you are not the right caregiver for them. If your have siblings who can take over, tell them you are gone the day you leave so they do not let your parents know what you are up to. Good luck!
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Keep your phone handy and videotape the outburst. Also, get with her doctor right away and document the meeting. The last thing you need is to be accused of elder abuse. You do not have to be abused by your mom. You might have to move her to a long term facility
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Momsonlychild Nov 2020
I’m here to tell you the abuse will only get worse. My mom was physically abusive with me until I was 17. She reverted back to that in the last year and lately it got really bad. We tried many meds. For my own sanity, safety and her safety I finally made the decision to put her in memory care 2 days ago. Physical & verbal abuse isn’t ok.
(6)
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Has no one been witness to your services on their behalf? Neighbors, doctors, visitors to the home? Definitely explore the UTI angle. Turns ordinary angels into demons.
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I am in agreement with haileybug and AlvaDeer. An oral agreement may not hold much weight. If there is no written statement, this may not bode well for you because even if you seek out an attorney, you will need proof of this arrangement in writing.
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Yep, I see why you're scared, several issues here: but, I'm very concerned about the escalating outbursts. Health and safety FIRST for all of you-- do you know who has legal authority, POA (power of attorney), over Mom's healthcare? Whoever it is, can you ask them if they know your mother's been formally diagnosed with Alzheimer's? Can you convince your father, or another family member to accompany her to her doctor, out of concern over her agression? There may be something medically going on that is contributing to your Mom's aggression, and this needs to be evaluated ASAP.
SECOND-have a heart to heart with your Dad and find out what he hoped you could help them with. Caregiving is a new role for all of you and new roles must be discussed, negotiated, put down in writing, and scheduled as tasks to be done, and revisited weekly. Also, you and Dad will find a lot of caregiver tools and support from your local Alzheimer's Assn.
THIRD--get a life. Family members often do not make the best caregivers because of the dual relationship of caretaker and parent-child relationships, infused with role reversals and power issues. And, expecting to be there 24/7 is unrealistic If you live in California, like I do, housing has become unaffordable without a $50,000 salary. So, I understand options are limited. So consider: going back to work full-time, give your parents money for rent, so they, or you, can hire a caregiver; enlist help of other family. Move out and spend weekends as respite for their paid caregiver. But above all, focus on reclaiming your life.

LASTLY, legalities--seek out an elder law attorney with your siblings and father to set up a living trust or POA, and subsidizing in-home care, including a reverse mortgage if they have enough equity in the home, if they need.
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I was brief when suggesting you protect yourself from being accused of elder abandonment.

Here, I will explain in detail.

If you spent full time caring for your parents while holding a full time job, then that was too much for you. You and your parents agreed and resolved to pay you to take care of them at home.

You probably do not know much about dementia and thought your parents were as you have always known them… but just declining a bit.

You have made your parents comfortable, so mother insist – “You Leave Now”. When you leave they are back to where they were before– in need of your help and remember nothing about telling you to leave, probably remember nothing about a contract.  Probably will say, “ I don’t know what you are talking about.”

If your parents are unable to care for themselves or their home and the state is called for a welfare check, enters to a place that smells of waste, looks wasted, then as their child you can be held by the state for “Elder Abandonment”.

Talk with an Elder Attorney. Talk with their doctor. They probably will not go to the doctor and become irate because to them - there is nothing wrong with them.

You need legal rights to their estate and to their person. You must be able to financially take care of yourself and take care of them.

Your parents will not pay you. They don’t remember an agreement. 

People with dementia trying to conduct business only create confusion, chaos, total disaster.

Which is what you are experiencing.
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