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Oh Maryjr, I am so sorry for you. What a train wreck. However, I see some of my own family in this scenario. My mother is very, very much like your MIL. Has been playing games with me for about 6 or 7 years now. Has always been narcissistic. So I understand the personality.

However, your MIL is not where the problem begins and ends. Your husband needs to see what she has done to him. He is not being fair to you. You need to take care of your own mother and your health. BTW, my grandmother had Lupus so I am familiar with this as well.

You are being pushed and manipulated by a narcissistic old woman who more than likely damaged her only child. You are their scapegoat. Please get out of this before it kills you. Your husband and his mother are being very selfish.

Sorry, I wish you well but you can't change or help these people. Just stand your ground. You have enough to deal with.
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The best way to save your marriage and your sanity would be to totally back off on her and let nature take it's course. Your husband should look into Assisted Living for her very soon, she will kick and fuss at first, but it will be better than it is now. She should have a complete neuro-psych evaluation with a geriatric specialist. She is not connected to reality and I hope he sees that.
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I'm very sorry things are going so badly for you today. If you feel you need to go to your mom's to stay sane, GO and don't feel guilty about it. If you are not already seeing a therapist, please find one. Even better if your husband and son will go as well. You need to take care of yourself, please, so you can take care of your mom and mother in law. Figure out what things you can do and what is too hard (either physically or mentally) and sit down with either the therapist or an uninvolved person who can help you figure out how to get the rest of the stuff done. But first, get some sleep and make sure you are eating healthy and getting away from the situation for at least a little while each day. You need help; no one can do all of this alone. Peace be with you.
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You wrote, "I know he is stressed with his Mom (he can't deny her increasing dementia now and hard on all of us her ever increasing anger)" but it sure sounds like he is still trying to, or at least wanting to. "He told me he understood if I wanted to not be involved with his Mom and I told him I needed to step back...just too much stress..." was part of the right answer, but going back on getting the lawyer and actually dealing rather than denying is for sure the wrong answer. Is there anything you can do to bring that back up with him in a calm moment, that you are losing your mom, but his mom might be with us for a while and getting the lawyer after all might make ongoing contact wth her more meaningful and positive for all - that you know perfectly well that neither of you can really totally turn your back on your parent, and just letting things happen is a tempting idea but isn't likely to work out very well, it will only be harder when things finally do fall apart? That he can be angry and stressed and wish with all his heart that he did not have to do this, but realize that he does have to do it? He knows you can't, he stil resents that he has to, I'd guess...

Someday all this will be past...being able to remember that you tried to support each other though it was hard will be a help to you both...you HAD to back off but had already done more and put up with more than anyone should have expected...hubby needs to know it will feel better if he at least tries to do what is right by his own mom, and he kind of knows what that is, it just very very hard to go through with it when it is your own parent...but you still have to go through with it. I will be praying for you that your last days with your mom are more peaceful, and that hubby will find the courage and care inside himself to do whatever really needs done.
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