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Hi, I've been reading the responses to my post and trying not to cry....feel so lost. My husband has refused marriage counseling and counseling in general concerning his Mom and he does have POA. I have been to counselor for help concerning his Mom and husband basically not involved but my husband refuses to go. He has set up most of her bills to be paid by the bank(just recently) but a few my mother-in-law has the aide still make out and my MIL signs...this includes the payment to the Agency. I've told my husband we should at least be checking the account on line....he says he takes an occassional look at her checkbook and all is fine. I bought this up to my kids and they were alarmed. My husband is a very intelligent man...Ivy League educated.....not bragging.......wish his Mom could appreciate him......all she has said for years is"if I only had a daughter". We recently had a Grandson and my MIL said right infront of her son to our daughter..."why would you want a son." My daughter was horrified......no wonder he has been running from her. Right after we married(we married right after he finished his education) she and my father-in-law moved to Florida for 23 years until his Dad's death......we saw them occasionally and I found my FIL was the buffer for his son and he was a saint as my kids say. He kept the peace. She immediately moved back after his death...bought the house directly across the street from us that unfortunately went up for sale and settled in expecting to be taken care of....my kids grew up, went off to college, married, etc and here we are!!!! She informed me yesterday when I mentioned in conversation my husband and I went to bed after midnight Sat following a party....and she told me no it was later...your bedroom light was still on....I know she knows our every move but my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Creepy. My girls were in from out of town this weekend(both live 7 hours from us) and they, their brother called a family meeting with me and their Dad concerning Nana. Right now the plan is they will call more, our son will also stop in at her house once weekly, I'll cover Wednesday...MD appointments, social outting, dinner at our house or bring dinner to her, and my husband will do Sunday...at least check on her or phone call she is ok and we'll try to have her over for dinner on Sunday too. To me so much is not covered and when my kids left my husband again slipping into a miserable sad mood. We now have two differnt aides starting this coming week from the agency.....her present aide will do 3 days 4-8 PM and the other aide will do 4-8PM the other 2 days......neither are medical aides so no bathing.....primarily social interaction and some meals. We are using a National Agency for the aides...bonded(which my husband feels means his Mom won't get riped off). I really like her aide but somethings make me uncomfortable. She takes her over to her house, has introduced her to her boyfriend...he has come over to help do somethings my hubby can't find time to do...it might be all just fine, but it really bothered me when she asked me to do more and mentioned that my health was better now(had a big surgery a year ago) and my Mom was now settled in a NH. In her defense she did say this to me while we were waiting for the agency to find a second aide. The agency just happened to call me and they caught me falling apart and I told them my husband was not involved, my mother is dying(we aren't sure how long she has left, not immediate but her end of life is coming)...mod to severe Alzheimers now. They called later that day with a second aide now available starting tomorrow. My family wasn't perfect...whose is...but we were all wanted and loved.....and watching my Mom go through this awful disease is horrible for me and my siblings. Well I'll see how the additional aide works out...I'm just taking a deep breath, saying some prayers. Friends have told me it will probably take a fall, ER trip and it will be taken out of our hands concerning my MIL.
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MaryJr, I agree with the two answers. You may need to call Adult Protective Services and let them know that your mother-in-law refuses to go to Assisted Living. She needs help, but so do you. No one should have to do it all, and with your mom needing you, it is impossible to satisfy everyone and save your own sanity as well. Although your husband doesn't want to deal with his mom, he needs to do so, regardless of how she reacts. It is unfair to expect you to carry the entire load.

Giving you prayers and hugs.
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Mary, First when you said your mother-in-law only cares about her aide, that makes me worry that she'll start giving her money and there won't be anything you can do about it. I hope your husband is POA, if not then make it happen. Next, she really does need to go into asst living. Those people are more than qualified to help an old lady take a shower etc. I oversee my mother-in-law's bills, living asst. meetings and general happiness, but she is a very grateful person, which makes all the difference in the world. Don't expect your beaten up husband to get back into the lions den with his mother, that isn't going to happen. And unless you want your own kids to harbor ill will towards YOU for not taking care of the obvious, get her into asst living. Tell your husband that you can't do this anymore, that it worked okay at first but not anymore. He knows very well how nasty his mother is, and ask him he wants that foisted on you and his kids. Then let him take over. He may not be hands on, but he certainly can take care of things from a distance. Tell him about my worries about his mothers money and the aide though, will ya? Good luck.
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"Basically I feel like I'm losing my sanity, health and marriage. I still love my husband...things are ok with us as long as his mother...isn't bought up to him."

You might want to try marriage counseling. Seriously, just the idea of trying to add one more thing to your schedule probably sounds like a lousy idea, but maybe just asking would help hubby to realize it is more serious than he would like to admit and can't just be allowed to take its course. It sounds like grandkids are on "your" (the rational) side and maybe they could be gathered up for a family meeting, orchestrated like an intervention where everyone talks about the elephant in the room and hubby more or less has to listen instead of just avoiding reality.

As far as being afraid of being turned in for neglect, its not likely, as way too many elders do exactly as your mom does and stop at nothing to stay in control, even living worse than a homeless person on the street so they don't have to admit they can't manage any more. The powers that be realize this and the system is very much biased so that no one loses the right to make their own decisions until their legal incompetence is beyond question, which of course is sometimes way too late. You would have the option to call in Adult Protective Services, and the option to call MILs physician with what you know about how she is living, and how your husband is just not wanting not able to cope, and appeal to him as his friend to let him know that there are alternatives to just letting her deteriorate in place that can possibly be undertaken, and need to be...I would also tell the agency people about your own mom, in case they don't realize there is only one of you, and ask them point-blank if they think it is time for someone to step in and get guardianship of MIL.

Sorry you are in this spot with this and your own mom too!
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