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Very respectfully, speak with them as if your best friend was just making sure you were ok with your decision. Then let them know your decisions were well thought out andwith a heavy heart, but perhaps they would like to speak with the social worker up there to get the staff's input on whether another family member should give it a go. (I bet none will step up.) I'm sure the social worker will be a great advocate in explaining things to them.
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Last July I moved my mother to a memory care facility 15 minutes away from me so I could see her more frequently and bring her to my house for the day while I did my housework and so forth.

I haven't had her here once.

I want her to come here, but I quickly realized that change is so very hard for someone with memory issues and it isn't fair to take them away from what's familiar. What's familiar fades very quickly, so your SIL and her husband probably don't realize that even their house is no longer familiar enough for your husband to be comfortable there

I now bring my mother Mexican food for lunch once a week, and we "eat out" at her place. I wanted to take her down the street to the place where I get the food, and the staff at her place (whom I trust) said not to do it. They're correct, of course, and she's much more stable when things don't change much from day to day. Even the Christmas decorations at her place stressed her out, but now that they're gone, she feels much better.

Here's how I look at it -- Remember when your children were very small? If you were out and about and walked more than a few paces ahead of them? They'd freak out even if they could see you, and somehow they couldn't bridge that gap and catch up to you. They'd plant their feet and cry, no matter how much you'd tell them to catch up. You'd have to take a few steps back toward them in order for them to be able to catch up.

That's what happens with dementia patients. They can't bridge the gap between what feels safe to them and what is still safe in spite of being a bit different than what they're used to. You just have to stay within their boundaries of what's comfortable, not yours.

Tell your extended family that it isn't kind to your husband to apply their standards to him. He's not the person he once was, and the most loving thing to do is to work within his parameters, not theirs.
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