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Better you don't get involved my brother feels my mother's money is his my father died some years ago, to point of creating a huge web of lies trying to have her put away to control her money he lost state assigned a fiduciary I still care for her if anything comes before the elder better you don't go there but why put your sibling thru hell let her do what's needed and allow her to get breaks as well thru caregivers
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Run.
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There are some strong, heartfelt and empowering messages here, and I'll add my voice to the mix.
I agree that your boundaries need to be set and need to be for your greater good and health. You matter and you do not (cannot) convince anyone to agree with you. Your boundaries are NOT about them.
If you feel guilty, that can be worked through... You matter, and even though it may be new and different to make yourself and your needs and your family's needs the first priority, you will start to feel a sense of relief once you take a stand...
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kdcm1011 Jul 2019
Someone once said on here, “in setting a boundary, you are seeking to protect yourself, not to change someone else”. Such wise words.
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There is a great article on this site "Life As a Caregiver: How to Make Tough Care Decisions Carol Bradley Bursack, Minding Our Elders   |  Updated June 12, 2019 " So good. And then disengage and take care of your self.

For me, I have a good relationship with my Mom but making the decision to move her to AL/MC was heart wrenching. This article helped a lot.
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One of the shortest words in the English language.....NO
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I think you need to take care of yourself now. He had his years of youth and you did not get on with him. You have done enough now so start living your own life without feeling guilty. Best of luck to you girl. Xx
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Martha01 Jul 2019
Agree 100%.
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Then for your own sanity, "move or run, far, far, far, away....."

We do not "Owe" for being born into this world. We are not "Owed" for the privilege of being born.

While this will sound ugly, I do Not mean it in an ugly way - for your own sake, if you cannot stand the heat, get the heck out of the kitchen.

Stress Is a Killer!

P.S. You are NOT the terrible sibling. And, no one should fault you for your feelings, as long as they are honest and true.
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Justme44 Jul 2019
Agree! Stress is Absolutely a killer.
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First of all you are not a horrible sibling, There are only so many hours in a day so you can only do whats possible for you.Yes i believe you need boundaries. Most of all you need to look after yourself "Selfcare" so you are fit to help out where you can but, not to the extent that it makes your own health worse. Your father for some unknown reason didnt both which was wrong. Although two wrongs don't make a right. When you dad dies you will have no regrets and might even find some kind of peace. Gentle Hugs good luck with your decision xx
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Lol sometimes I really wish humans hatched out of an egg lol.
No real advice since I’m going thru a similar situation with a NPD//dementia mother, sister who is a b***** plain and simple, wants to run me but not do a thing but moan about how much she does ( nada, visits once or twice a month for a couple hrs to “inspect “ what I’ve done lol) , and a brother who checked out of responsibility but always has an opinion.
Truthfully other than block them on your phone, I have no useful advice but just know you are unfortunately not alone in the problem 💕
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do what ever that you need to do. and take care of your self.
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I really don't think many well meaning people who post are reading her post correctly at all. Hugs to those who sacrifice so much so that others feel free to do so little, unfortunately other than complain, project and gaslight.

Caregivers do as much as we can but I agree with the others that setting boundaries is paramount before you lose yourself altogether. I beg you not to learn the hard way, like me, that boundaries are not boundaries if they know they can still manipulate you into falling back into the same old abuse. Then it's on you.
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You are not the terrible sibling!  It sounds like you do above and beyond considering how he treated you.  I don't see my half sister anymore bc she tried to take advantage of our mother for a family leave which is fraud bc she doesn't ever do much and she is a b__h as well.  Bossy, rude and won't ever be any different to me unless she wants something which benefits her only.  I put a stop to it after years of never having boundaries with her and finally getting tired of being kicked around and used by her.  You do exactly what you need to do to take care of yourself.  You are a good person.
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NancyInSc Jul 2019
We may be related. Your half sister sounds exactly like my sister. Eecks!
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RUN don’t walk away from this situation. Your father was verbally abusive when you went out of your way to help him. Your sister is being psychologically abusive when you’ve gone out of your way to help her. Enough is enough. Cut your ties and move on with your life.
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Jannner Aug 2019
Lol my thoughts as well, birds of a feather. In abusive homes it’s not all the kids abused , some are singled out for abuse and some become abusive.
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You are not a terrible sibling....it sounds to me like you've done a lot to help out. You have to take care of your health also. Just be kind to your sister. She's going through a lot herself. Maybe it's time to put dad in an assisted living facility. It's just so difficult and stressful to go through this alone. You need each other for support.
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You may not like this idea. But since your parents were divorced when you were a baby and you have never had a good relationship with your father, I suspect that your mother had a lot to do with that. There is no helping how injured your mother feels, but she should not have poisoned you. This might be a good time to investigate what happened and to look at what your mother said about him through different eyes.. This might an opportunity to you for the long buried mental health issues (anxiety and depression). Good luck to you.
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As someone who just lost their father, who also was quite a difficult man throughout my early life, I would caution you about stepping away or being too callous....
A Parent is incredibly important, and your standards, values, and self-esteem when you look back years later, or during the inevitable times when YOU will be in need as a disadvantaged, disabled, and/or elderly person will be much easier to live with for posterity if you do your best for your family members when you can. It's a great feeling to rise above any bad memories, and to be there for your closest family. I am proud that I chose LOVE over Fear, Greed, or Resentment. I found it very rewarding and comforting to do the very best I could for my father, and to have a chance to truly forgive him, appreciate him, and understand him better during our lifetimes!!.. Plus, it's a great feeling to do the right thing, as humanly possible.
Surprisingly, during his infirmity, I learned more about why my father was the harsh way he seemed, and how, in large part, it was just a flimsy defense to the harsh treatment he had received himself, growing up in the Great Depression, and then having most of his family, including himself, serving in Wars, and then having to fend for himself in the big world without resources, etc....
His last years became true quality time that I will cherish and value forever. I finally realized all the tremendous things he quietly had accomplished in his life, and for me, for his friends, his profession, and for our entire family (albeit, while trying to hide behind a very gruff exterior!)...
Because, fundamentally, in the end-- Your Parents ARE a part of you, even if you try to deny it. I advise that you just try to make him a better part of you than what it now seems. You will be so proud of yourself & more content when they depart. Not to mention, you will greatly benefit your parent and the rest of the family. Plus, you will set an outstanding model for your children and grandchildren (very important for you one day!); your spouse (good standards for the future!); and the community at large. As the good book says, Honor thy father and mother. I found the opportunity to care for my father to be inherently rewarding. And it provided SO much unexpected Healing!!- :-)
To the very end, he became so sweet & if I told him that he was doing pretty well, he would retort, "Thanks to you!!" with a big smile!.. He finally became so openly loving & happy-- Even if this result is not possible for you, just know that your Love & care will stand for itself & be remembered by all!- Good luck!-
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bigsun Aug 2019
Not all situations end like this. Most often it's too little too late.
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If your sister is angry, she's feeling the stress brought on by her own decision. 

Suggest to your sister that your father be placed in a nearby nursing home where she can visit him daily but not be his constant caregiver   -  likely making their time together more pleasant for both. 

Now is the opportunity for a change.  Neither of you should bring him into your home from this extended hospital stay unless you intend for that to be a permanent situation.   Let your sister know how you feel before she takes him back home from this hospitalization.
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I'm sorry for your stressful situation with sister. It's unlikely to change, & it's not anybody's fault. These things make us crazy, so please pray about it & let go: of trying to fix it. You did try at least. Keep praying for peace in your family & just get on with your life. Be happy anyway friend, good luck.
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Do not feel bad. I wish I had a sister like you to help me with our 86 year old dad. The pain, the stress, feeling of helplessness, of not wanting to live anymore because I feel so overwhelmed. I absolutely despise everyone around me that is making the situation worse for me. Dad recently for the first time in his life was hospitalized, May 29 to the present time, my blood sister visited him two weekends and the half sister never visited him at all. No one cares about what I am going through or went through since December 2017 until the present time. Every day is a nightmare. No one knows how he was eating before going to the hospital, how his bills got paid, who cleaned his house, took him to doctor's appointments, etc. They do not care and I despise them all!
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Riley said it best.
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You are not Terrible!! Caregiveing is the hardest job on earth!!! And most underpaid!! Just remember how you feel how stressed you are ,and think how that would be magnified if your father lived with you...your sister is venting her frustration on you because you are closest to her and to the situation with your dad !! Your sister loves you!! and she also feels alone and stressed out!! Please try to put yourself in her shoes and accept that everyone is stressed out ....this is a task that has been laid on your plates NOT A PROJECT YOU TOOK ON WITH HAPPINESS AND ENTHUSIASM!! IT IS WHAT IT IS ....bottem line is someone has to do it ! And you are the kids so it falls on you both .....SORRY this is a very difficult situation!
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You were honest. You were up front & said you can't/will not help. She took it on know that so you owe nothing. Enjoy your life, visit him if you want but not out of guilt.
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During the worst of my mom's dementia/cancer time (before her death), I daydreamed daily of moving as far away as I could. Protect yourself and do the amount of help that's reasonable for you. It's so important to protect your sanity/health. Hang in there.
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dadisavet Jul 2019
My mom had dementia and cancer too. I cared for her and my dad (his insistence) alone for over 8 years. I know your pain. That combination is incredibly hard. That experience is one of the most lonely, physically, financially and emotionally draining and brutal experiences of my entire life. Like being in a combat zone but fresh troops never come. Still, I would do it again in a heartbeat because my mom was a very special lady, truly one in a million. I send you a hug and healing vibes from afar.
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When is she coming back? Tell her what you told us about you and your family and get back to taking care of you and your family. Your Mental Health issues come first go home and back to work. Do you see anyone for the mental health? Look into it NOW. You'r not Superman!
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Please don't feel guilty - easier said than done. I had a wonderful upbringing and yet I still feel the need to run away when my Mom becomes a handful. She would never be living with me (& my spouse) if she weren't the wonderful person she was. I can't imagine being in that situation if my Mom was like your Dad. My brother (who also had wonderful parents) shows up maybe once a month. So, please, step back for your own health & tell that to your sister. Explain how he was to YOU and she needs to see that too. My friend had the same situation - evil mother and her beloved other daughter. The beloved daughter just took her for her money. So, I'd watch out for that!
Anyway - please be kind to yourself since obviously your sibling isn't being.
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Don't feel guilty.  It sounds as if you've gone above and beyond for your sister so she could help someone you don't even like.       She's entitled to her choices but not to make your choices for you.

Decide on a date -- September 30 if not before -- and tell your sibling you are unable to continue doing what you have been doing beyond that date and suggest she find an assisted living facility or nursing home for your father or at least  home assistance.   

Cite the abuse and conflict and explain that the conflict is not good for either of you -- you or your father.  She may be more sympathetic to your father's stress than yours -- so be it; use it.

Do not let anyone talk you into changing your mind.

Giving your sibling notice and a specific date will give her time to make alternative plans.

If your sibling needs it and/or you actually want to help out financially, you might figure out how much your help has been costing you out of pocket each month and begin sending her a part of that amount so that she could use it to hire an elder sitter for your father for at least one day a week.  Don't make promises you may not be able to keep.  Instead, just send a check if/when you can on the same date each month until you cannot -- giving her a head's up if you can not continue to do that.  If she doesn't cash the check, don't send another and if she hasn't cashed it by the end of the year, stop payment on it.

Suggest she contact the local Department of Family and Children Services to see what facilities and help is available in her area.   There may be an elder day care at a local senior citizens center or Medicare or Medicaid may help with sending people to her home to provide services.

You're telling her the truth and giving her notice to make other arrangements is best for both of you.
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AT1234 Aug 2019
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Remember, "No" is a stand-alone word that needs zero explanation. Mental Health statistically stems from early-life trauma, which for many originates from parental psychological abuse upon one or all off-spring,which continues throughout the lifespan.
Physical abuse isn't something that just pops into lives, if your father was physically abusive towards you, it's likely he was that way towards your mother.

It's highly likely that your sister has never been exposed to the same experiences as you were. You're feeling guilt, which might stem from many family dynamics including the way your sister has been trained to make you feel, is guilt a tool she uses?
Often,Guilt and shame are utilized together to control others' actions, thoughts and feelings. Your instincts to run.... are indicative of that entire scenario = very problematic. 🦋🦋🦋

Your father will never change and likely doesn't think boundaries are acceptable, you told your sister that you would help HER, tell her again, and ask her what your statement means to her...
She might start with "you should know that..." Yet, we cannot live in a world of shoulds, because her shoulds are different than your shoulds, etc... What is her exact expectation, such how many hours per day is she expecting you to do X.

She had him move-in with her, which was 100% her decision? Or is there anyone else involved?

When you leave, which is what you must do, vacate before you reach your breaking point, and remember, you cannot do anything that will inspire their behaviors to change,


Enforcing boundaries, will of course be utilized against you...but that's the consequences for being human, in toxic environments. You can establish boundaries, by not reversing from the word No..... No means no.
Boundaries might be strengthened by providing a date where you will vacate....write it somewhere So, it cannot be denied, etc. A date will provide a clear deadline for different arrangements to be made. Hugs.🦋 Find a hotel, spend a night, take a bubble bath🛁, relax + slow down.🐢
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Lots of Good Advice given already. It sounds like neither your sister or you have set boundaries in an open discussion away from dad. And your sister may be regretting her decision to move dad in. Let her know that its okay to change the current situation and there are a lot of communities and forums out there with free information and free or reduced services to help.
Having a PLAN is always a stress reducer; so here's some actual steps to follow to define your boundaries and have that discussion with your sister now.
1) Define Who and What at a minimum. So what does this mean? If you decide to continue "helping" your sister with dad, then the WHO is decided. You are assisting your sister not your dad. WHAT do you mean by help or more importantly, WHAT do you NOT mean by help-- and be specific for example: house sit while your sister is on vacation to oversee the care provided by caregivers but not provide hands-on care yourself, or offer to do an activity that your sister but can't because she is taking care of dad --maybe college research for her children, etc.
2) Document the information you pull together in number 1 into a word document.
3) As an intro to the document, tell your sister Why you want to assist her? e.g. Love her and her family and want to continue to grow your relationship And why you are setting boundaries? I am setting boundaries to ensure that my relationship with you can continue to grow. I am also ensuring that I stay mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy to put effort and love into those relationships that are important to me, including the one I have with you (your sister).
4) Contact your sister to let her know that you have stepped back to think about the situation and written down what you can do, and that when she receives it, you would like her to do the same i.e. write down Who and What and Why.
5) send the document--email, snail mail.
6) If your sister is resistant to documenting her own "Who, What and Why" tell her that's okay, it's hard to find time to step back when you are caring for someone and suggest setting up a regular time to talk to your sister and relate to her about something other than Dad; also set up a time when she can call and just vent. Keep these two times separate.
7) When your sister asks you to do something that is not within the documented boundaries you provided, tell her that you cannot do that but you can listen to her vent or help find resources that could help her with that task.
8) Habits are hard to break -- so stick to the plan and ask your family to help you follow through.
I hope this helps.
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IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN DO FOR THE GIVEN CERCUMSTANCES. NOT SURE WHAT YOUR STRESS IS ABOUT. I THINK I WOULD LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE. MEANING , HE LIVES WITH HER NOW AND THEY WERE OR ARE CLOSE. IT'S LIKE A HANDICAPPED PERSON- DON'T HELP UNLESS YOU ARE ASKED TO. STAY OUT OF IT AND LIVE YOUR LIFE.
BE HAPPY AS YOU CAN BE.
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JoAnn29 Dec 2019
This post is from July.
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Thanks for the heads up JoAnn! 💞💞💞💞💞💞

Not posting on a post from July unless the OP needs us! 🤦‍♀️
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