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It seems as if you already know that the needs of your mother are far above what you are able to provide. Continuing to scream at her is not healthy. It's not fair to someone who has brain damage to be subjected to that. While you have good intentions, it's still not appropriate or justified. From your description of her needs, she should not be left alone at all. She's not trying to upset you, but, truly in need of constant instruction on how to do the basics of her day, such as toileting. Leaving a person like that lone is risky. I might consult with an attorney to see what your legal obligations are and discuss things with her doctor for options. I'd explore options for more care immediately for both of your protections.
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I know EXACTLY how you feel. Dealing with my mother and her behavior (my whole life) is too much to deal with. I have zero patience and have become a very angry person living with her. I have no words of advice, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your situation.
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It sounds like she needs to be in facility. I would research again. 30 minutes not bad and get in routine for visits 1-2 times a week. Stay in touch but get your life back. I would try it. Give her time to adjust. You can always change course.
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Thanks to everyone for writing. Didn't expect it, but I felt better after writing and receiving responses, even felt more patient with Mother, and it's lasted. I'm beginning to realize how important support is from the right people, those who know and are familiar with caregiving firsthand. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
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Beatty Nov 2019
Writing it down, getting it off your chest, having someone listening can be a huge benefit & pep you up again for a while. Sometimes it's not enough & it's time to change the whole arrangement. The trick I think is having the energy (emotional or physical) to keep reassessing & change plans when required. Very hard when knee deep in it & just getting through each day!

Can I ask what the main goal is? Caring for Mum at home or caring for Mum wherever she lives? I ask because some people are determined to stay in the home so will do whatever it takes: renovate bathrooms, build ramps, pay $$$ for aides. If the goal is for both Mum & you to both live happy & meaningful lives, would that still look the same? You sound fairly isolated? Is that by choice? Sorry to be blunt - I am a fellow daughter with a *tricky* Mother & just wish to remind you - you matter! And you have choices. ((Hugs))
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I feel for you my dear. From one person who is awfully hard on herself to another, I would tell you to be compassionate toward yourself but I understand...you are totally out of it right now. My mom is 97, she's in assisted living thank goodness but when I see her number come up on my caller ID my BP skyrockets. She's the sweetest little person but stubborn. The fourth or fifth time I repeat myself to someone refusing to wear her hearing aids...well, whatever I was originally saying doesn't come out so friendly and kind. I haven't hollered at her yet, but I am awfully blunt and curt with her sometimes. Then I feel like crap. But I've set the expectation awfully high for myself to be compassionate and when I lose it I feel awful. Caring for her has driven me into therapy and my therapist tells me I shouldn't "should" all over myself so much. Meaning I should cut myself some slack and ditch my halo. I thought compassion was an endless well I could dip out of anytime I needed but compassion fatigue is a real thing. I basically was her assisted living program while she lived independently for 6 years. I talk to hardly anyone in my family about this- it is an isolating feeling- because many of them have lost their parents and love to remind me they would give anything just to have one more day with their mom so I'd better be grateful and enjoy her while I still have her. Not helpful. So I vent here and to my dogs and therapist. Dogs don't care if you swear and cry when you hang up the phone. I hope some resources can be found in your remote area to further assist you and give you back your life.
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From what u have described, Mom should not be left alone. You are expecting too much from a woman whose brain is broken. You describe Dementia perfectly. You never know what they will do. What if she tries to cook for herself and leaves a pan with grease on the stove or food. TG my Mom it was water but it did a job on the pan.

You cannot reason with these people. They have lost that ability. The ability to process, retain and have empathy.

If Medicaid is paying for her Daycare, is it possible for her to go to DC 5x a week, Medicaid paying for partial or full cost. Moms picked hers up and dropped her off. She was there for breakfast and lunch. She even had therapy.

In my area, our LTC facilities are private own but do except Medicaid. Mom did share a room with 4 others but was only there to sleep. She was in the activity room most of the time. You need to research and visit.
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Dementia is a baffling disease, a sad ending to anyone’s life, and yes, exhausting to any caregiver. Statistics show that 70% of Caregivers pass on before the person they’re caring for. Not good news but perhaps a catalyst for you to make some changes. Dementia and Alzheimer’s are progressive, so she will not get better and at some point, you will have to place her in a care facility, and none of them are perfect.
Some are better than others for sure. It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond and for perhaps longer than you might have Because it sounds like you’re at a breaking point. If you don’t take care of yourself and you become ill or pass on, who then will take care of your mother? Believe me, just because she’s placed in the CARE residence doesn’t mean your work has stopped, it’s just that she will be supervised 24/7 and you would be relieved of some of the day-to-day struggle. In my area we have several dementia/Alzheimer’s support groups that are very helpful. It sounds like it’s time for you to make some changes, as difficult and painful as this can be, you must take care of yourself in addition to taking care of your mother. If your mother is not a wanderer and is not constantly trying to leave, a possibility exists that she could go into an RCFE which is a residential care facility, usually with 4-6 residents And sometimes, less expensive. There is all sorts of information online about dementia and Alzheimer’s. In conclusion, your mother isn’t doing anything on purpose it’s just part of her illness. Also there is something known as Anosognosia, it’s when someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s has no awareness that anything is wrong with them. Another point is that Medicaid or state aid will also cover someone’s care. They will take any monies she receives to assist them in paying for her care but it is also another way to go. I wish you well on this journey.
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I agree with cwillie and if you were working in a long term facility you would be fired. So, let mom go live in the bed she's made and you get a life before it's too late. No one can find joy when their efforts, caring, cleaning, an adult baby are thought to be easy as distant relative (even not so distant) believe. Mothers often mistake tyranny for love and it's very hard for the children of these mothers to forgive them, let alone be at their mercy. You deserve an award for having dedicated your time for 13 years! If you like your job stick with it. You'll get much more reward for that than struggling with hanging on to mom. Can you video yourself being interactive while doing daily routines? Especially if your angry: if you're verbally abusive and talking bad, she needs to go before adult services are knocking on your door.
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If you want relief and return to more of a mother/daughter relationship, then place her in a home where medicaid will pay. Sooner or later, you will have to because her dementia will need 24/7 care that you will not be able to give even if you stopped working.

Are you doing this hoping your mother will change because of all your love and make you feel more cared for by her? Forget it, many have that pipe dream. It's not going to happen.

It's not about wanting to put her in a home, it's about needing to for both her sake and yours.
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All you can do....is the best that you are doing...don't be so hard on yourself, I would have given up long ago and placed her in a home, as I am not clinically trained, nor do I have the patience for being a FT caretaker, I just don't posses those qualities.

Where I live there are Medicaid acceptable homes that are not state run, although, my mother, my step dad and his wife are in self pay homes, I did tour several for future possibilities. They were not 5 star, but acceptable.

I wish you the best!
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I would go to bed at night resolved to do better, be more patient etc but found myself snapping earlier and earlier each day. My epiphany came when I finally realized that the care I was giving my mother wasn't better than the alternative, it was unfair to my mother to be in the care of this increasingly 3itchy harridan and it was also unfair to me that all the good memories of my mother were being replaced by ones featuring this needy stranger. When I hit the wall and found emergency respite care in a facility, and from there she never returned home. I deeply resented the advice I often heard to "go back to being a daughter rather than a caregiver", but in retrospect I see a truth there.
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Frances73 Dec 2019
That is very true. My dad became so difficult in his last years that my anger about that clouds my memories of the dad he really was. Just yesterday I was trying to remember the good days when he took us camping and fishing and how much fun we had.
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First of all, I am truly sorry that you are under so much stress. How can you not feel like this is a thorn in your side? It’s a huge weight on your shoulders.

It’s natural to get upset about your situation and I feel it’s also natural to get upset afterwards. This isn’t about lack of control though. It’s about being overwhelmed.

No one is perfect. We all lose our temper at times. We also lose our patience when we are overly stressed.

It’s impossible to feel like this is a normal life because it isn’t. Your life has been turned upside down. It’s natural to feel resentful about what you are going through.

I wish I had answers for you. I sincerely hope things improve soon. Many, many hugs for you. I hope you are able to get some rest soon.

Take care and vent anytime. Most people on this site know how you feel because they have experienced similar situations.

What exactly do you mean about not wanting to be here anymore? Not being with her or is your depression so severe that you want to die? If you are feeling suicidal, please seek help. I’m not judging you but wouldn’t want you to do something drastic.

It’s hard to be a caregiver at anytime but during the holidays are especially difficult.

Many hugs for you.
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Wow, you are me. You asked, who screams at their poor old mother? - well, I do sometimes, she's 94, doubly incontinent and now bedbound, and I am her sole carer except for four hours respite a week when I head to the nearest bar and down a large glass of red wine! Yes I feel totally ashamed after a melt-down - I'm going to need counselling when all this is over (if I don't keel over dead before she does, which seems a distinct and not unwelcome possibility sometimes!). My only consolation is that her hearing is very poor, so I'm hoping she hasn't really heard or taken in all the nasty resentful things I've sometimes said (I tend to mutter under my breath so the neighbours don't hear), though she sees my face and knows that something is pretty wrong.

You are going to get lots of good, practical and sympathetic advice on this forum. I only wish I could add to it, but I'm just too tired and burnt out myself, so this note is just really to say, you are not alone, come here to vent when it all gets too much, and remember, you are a good loving daughter doing the best that you can in impossible circumstances - of course you are going to have melt-downs now and then, you are only human. Learn to forgive yourself, and get whatever outside help is available to you.

Sending lots of hugs!!!!!
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Penelope123 Nov 2019
Every word you said is my life too Pepita48. Some here are judgmental about feeling this way but everyones circumstance is different. No we are not abusive, if we were we wouldn't feel any remorse for raising our voice in frustration sometimes. It helps so much to know there are others like you and I and labeling anyone as being abusive if you get frustrated is just plain wrong. We are not Superwoman. At least I know I'm not!
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Thanks for your kindness, T.
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Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing your best. I get irritated too. Its frustrating. Especially when you have been doing it so long. Anyone would feel horrible.
I hope you can work things out soon. All the best.
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