A year and a half ago I moved my parents in with me. My dad was in very poor health and we lost him after six months. Now it’s just mom, my husband and I. I’ve read several questions on here and realize my life could be so much worse. My mom is very self sufficient, even makes short drives. But she drives me insane. I know she bothers my husband too but he doesn’t complain. Today I walked in from caring for my grandchild and she met me at the door. She had several things that she wanted me to do right then. I asked her to wait because I had literally just walked in the door. She said ok and stood there with the things she wanted done in her hands. She also has poor hearing. I have begged her to get hearing aids or even just have her hearing checked. She refuses. I have to repeat everything I say and it gets so old. My brother has offered to let her live with him 6 months out of the year but she won’t. I assume it’s because we live in different states but I’m not sure that is the reason. I need a break. I find myself looking for reasons to sneak out of the house just for a few minutes alone. I know I could lose her at anytime but I just can’t seem to make myself spend time with her. I feel like an awful daughter.
This feeling is called caregiver burnout, and if we don't deal with it the right way, it can lead to resentment, anxiety and depression. This stress can also impact our physical wellbeing as well.
So basically, you need a break. You need to do something fun that will allow you to decompress and relax. Given the pandemic, I realize this can be a bit challenging to get out of the house. But there are things you can do in the moment to take sometime for yourself:
- Put some tunes on and go for a walk
- Coloring (seriously, great stress buster!) or anything creative. Go to a craft store and get yourself a craft set. Do something creative
- Write. Write a poem, short story, etc. Just write.
- "Brain Dump" - You make a list of everything that is on your mind: things to do, feelings, thoughts, stuff that pissed you off today, stuff that made you happy, etc. Then highlight three things that truly matter. This helps put things in perspective.
- Meditate. I recommend "The Honest Guys" on YouTube. They have free guided meditation videos that are great!
- Yoga. There is a great beginner video by a woman in Austin Texas, called "Yoga With Adrienne.
- Journaling. Sometimes you just need to get it all out on paper or email yourself. It helps to vent emotions. I do this everyday and it helps.
- Demand time for yourself everyday and put your foot down. Everyday at 12 Noon, I listen to my "12 O'Clock Beatles Block" on Q104.3. For me, the world just has to sit tight and wait for fifteen minutes, because that fifteen minutes of Beatles tunes really saves my sanity. That fifteen minutes is mine, I don't give a d*mn what's happening. It just has to wait. That time is only for me.
Wanting things done NOW. Poor hearing and refuses to do anything about it. I go out a lot or stay in my room doing my own thing.
Now, since your brother is offering to take your mom half of the time, that would be LOVELY. Has she ever stayed there? If so, could something have happened to make her NOT want to go there? If not, perhaps you and brother can come up with a plan so she can spend some time there. Maybe have your mom go for a visit for a couple of weeks or a month instead of offering a huge time like 6 months. Even having her away for a week/month would be helpful to you for a break/respite.
My mom goes down to see my sister about every month which is very helpful. But hard on my sister because she is not as used to the changes and it takes her a while to get back into the groove.
I have a hard time spending time with my mom too. The conversation is so boring. She asks me to repeat myself. Or laughs and tells me "I thought you said X". Or tells me the same stories over and over again. Which is especially boring because many of the stories I was actually there. Between her hearing and cognitive decline an actual conversation is pretty much a thing of the past.
My mom also loves to complain about EVERYTHING. I can't stand the negativity. Especially when some of the stuff she if spouting off about I don't agree with at all. Then the pains and health issues - but she doesn't want to fix them, just complain about them. That's frustrating and beyond my comprehension. When I have a health issue - I FIX it. Why is she content to let health issues ruin her life without a fight?
I totally get feeling like an awful daughter. My sister and I are having a contest as to who is the worst daughter, all in good fun. It's just hard seeing your mom go from her "normal" self to this new person that is so much harder to deal with and be around.
So, I don't have a lot of advice since I'm stuck in the same rut you are. I try to get out of the house and do the things I need to do for myself. I watch my grandkids - sometimes home so mom can see them and sometimes at their houses so I get a break. When we have meals alone, we do it in front of the TV since there is basically nothing to talk about. We watch a couple of series on Netflix so that fills in for the lack of conversation. If hubby is home, he has lots to tell us about his day at work.