Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
It might be helpful to ask your son to meet with you and a family therapist for the sake of clarity. You might learn what has changed your son and given an opportunity to explain any misunderstandings. On the other hand, you might learn new insights into Narcissism.

You are not obligated to leave financial rewards to any relative, especially ungrateful ones. There are plenty of charities that could benefit from your generosity including addiction, animals, children, specific diseases and generational categories.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I have no wisdom or advice...just much sympathy. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

I will tell you that my SIL cut her son from her will when she could take no more. Not an identical situation to yours, but she was forever helping him financially and he treated her with little respect and zero appreciation. She was in her 70s when he pulled a stunt no one saw coming or would even have expected him to. For my SIL, it was the last straw and she quietly cut him from the will. She continued to help him but it was limited and with time constraints attached.

She died a couple years later. My nephew, to this day, doesn't know he'd been cut. There was life insurance policy that my niece decided to share with him, told him that was all there was left.

No one should use a will as a weapon, but for someone who is really at the end of their rope with no change in sight....And no one has to know,

I wonder, though, if you've fleshed out POA and other such things yet? Your son would naturally be curious about those details come the time.

So...it seems there are multiple levels to consider.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

First, get with a trust and estate attorney to do this right.

Second, if it was me, I'd put a set amount into a custodial investment account for your granddaughter, set an age at which she can inherit it (I'd suggest 25 at the earliest), then set up the rest of your estate to benefit YOU, because you're still here and need to have the freedom to use your money.

Several years back my dad put $5k worth of stock in custodial accounts for each of his grandchildren. My niece is the only one who's still underage, but that account is now up to $22,000 and has doubled in just the 3 1/2 years since I took over as custodian.

That's plenty of money for a 21-year-old to get, in my opinion. You don't owe her your entire estate, that's for sure, and honestly, it's not a good idea to drop a ton of money and assets in the lap of young person. When that young person hasn't got the best role models for parents, that's also just a disaster waiting to happen. My niece ia really smart girl who'll be gratuating from college next year, but her other [very wealthy] grandparents have so completely spoiled her that now she's talking about working for a non-profit because "trust fund babies don't need to support themselves." WHAAAT?

You definitely need to get your son to pay market rent or evict him ASAP. You're sitting on a piece of valuable income property, and you need that money to be coming in. I live in OC, and you should be getting at least $2500/month each for your units, or even more depending on where you are.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
She’s in Dana Point. That’s a pretty rich area so I’m thinking 3k for the unit, whereas the 600 wouldn’t even pay for a easy 8 motel in the most armpit areas of the inland empire.
(1)
Report
Sigh. I have a similar situation with my oldest daughter. First, rule out the possibility of a physical or mental illness that may be causing the problems. Realize that you are under NO obligation to leave anything to your son. Sounds like your son used you, and you are understandingly very hurt. Ask God to help you deal with this hurt: Please seek counseling, get involved in new activities that bring you joy, spend time with your friends. You are going through a grieving process. The pain does diminish over time. However, expect to occasionally feel sad and shed some tears. Consider leaving an inheritance to a deserving individual, or make a donation to a worthy organization. God bless you during this difficult time.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I would like to approach this from a slightly different angle. Others have given you very good advice about seeing lawyers and evicting your son. I hope that these suggestions help you.

I would like to think about the often-held belief that all children should always inherit. I do not hold that belief at all. My mother and I had no real relationship for the first 50 years of my life. She and my father resented me as a baby and a child. It was not until I was in my 50's that, with the help of several therapists I decided to look into getting reacquainted with my family as adults, to see if my sibs and I could put away the hurtful childhood relationships and explore new ones based on who we had become, rather than who we had been as children.

That worked as well as it could have. I do have some sense of belonging with some of my sisters. My mother and I never got much past a tenuous adult friendship of sorts. I helped with her care, though I spent almost no time in her house (that was more than I could bear). Instead I took her to lunch, ran errands, things to help my sisters, who managed all the real care-giving.

Now to the point: I did not want anything from her. During the years when it might have mattered, she gave me nothing beyond what was legally required. I never had more than 3 dresses to wear to school, my shoes were lined with cardboard when the soles wore out. You get the picture. Mom left a will that left everything (almost nothing, really) to be divided equally. I thought that was hypocrisy. It was also vastly unfair. The two sisters who did the most for Mom in her last 5 years got nothing extra. They not only gave Mom huge amounts of time and energy, they also bought things for her. When she did not want to spend the money on grab bars, my sisters bought and installed them for her. Same with the shower chair and a lot of other things. My brother did absolutely nothing for Mom. Another sister lived several hours away and called Mom every day, but did nothing in person. The two who stood by Mom should have split the remainders between them.

The two of them also did nearly all the work of clearing Mom's house after her death. I encouraged them to take anything and everything that had any meaning to them. Obviously, Mom meant far more to them than to the rest of us. The things I chose to take fit in a small grocery bag. The 3 of us that did so little did not really have the same feelings for Mom that the two who worked so hard for her. They deserved what little Mom had of value because it would mean something to them. Those of us who did little would not have had the same feelings of attachment for these things.

In the end, it is the attachments, the relationships that matter. The things we inherit are worthless and meaningless if there is no attachment, no love involved. If your son has no real attachments to you, leave everything to your granddaughter, contingent upon there being a relationship there. If there is to be no relationship, I would give it to some other person or institution where there is a relationship, where there will be someone who will remember you and your gifts. I believe that this may give you a sense of continuity and purpose in your life and in your eventual death. You deserve to spend your thoughts, your time, and your worldly goods with those who feel a kinship with you, even if that is a kinship of friendship or common goals rather than a blood relationship.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

First of all, I am so sorry for your situation. Secondly, your first duty is to take care of yourself so that you can care for yourself independently. I agree with other posters that a good look at the provisions of your will is in order. Do this to make sure your POA and Executor are as you wish, most importantly.

If you decide to make some financial provisions for your granddaughter, make that part of the new will and be very specific. She could someday need help creating a better emotional life for herself than she may have with your son and his partner.

As to the rental, you can be sure your son will continue to use your granddaughter as a weapon, whether you raise the rent or not. He'll find new opportunities, so make the best financial decision for yourself. Get counseling for yourself now.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
She can deal with the granddaughter or other children he his with this or other women as a secondary priority.

Her first is herself and handling this chemo crisis and probable aide care. Sh
(0)
Report
What do you want to do?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You have the right to do whatever you wish with your assets and you do not need to feel guilty about cutting off toxic family/relatives. Blood is not thicker than peace of mind. Just be sure your wishes are on paper in legally notarized documents whether a will or a Trust. You have the right to not be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed.
My DH and I met in the military and never had children. We've always had wills and thought the fairest way to pass on our estate would be 50-50 to each side of our family, since both sides are small, 2 siblings on my side and 2 nieces on his side, pretty simple. In 2007 we decided to do a family Trust listing one brother and one niece as successor trustees. There is a long history of toxic dysfunction in my family. DH came from a lovely normal family. An incident in 2019 was the final straw (which I won't go into here), so we changed our Trust. We have a percentage going to our favorite charities and the rest goes to the 2 nieces who have always treated us decently and appreciate our generosity.
My 2 siblings get nothing; they have no idea what our net worth is anyway. I did let the one brother know he was removed as Trustee, then severed all ties. Removing toxic people from my life has helped me feel better.
Protect yourself. Do what you need to do to take care of YOUR needs.
Karma has no menu. They will get served what they deserve.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I am sorry this is happening to you. It happens more than you know. A few things: can you discuss the monetary issues you are facing with your son and see if you can get to a place of understanding with him...maybe with a family therapist involved? You must take care of yourself financially. His response is manipulative and immature, as you know. I recommend you speak with a lawyer that specializes in estate planning about your will and how to proceed. They will probably give you some basics on landlord tenant options as well, or refer you to a colleague that can help you in that area.
As a heads up, it is quite possible that even if you didn't raise any issues with your son, his mindset is one where he may cut ties. Estrangement happens, often for no reason at all. You could do everything right and he could still become estranged, sadly.
Chose your executor of your will wisely - lawyer can advise...also have a durable power of attorney for healthcare drawn up and chose wisely...it does not have to be a family member (your lawyer will advise).
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This is a strange post. OP asked questions in 2020 and August 2021, all related to her sister. Her original profile file says OP is 71, living with her sister (named as Gertrude Rice) who is 88. OP then had care and money problems with sister’s alcoholic children, but was on good terms with son’s family in the duplex. How many months or years is that son has grabbed the granddaughter and said ‘fine, we’ll move and you’ll never see the (4 year old) baby again’? The current question says ‘I have cancer’, but with none of the details that are usually given.

If this is all on the level, perhaps what it shows is that family dynamics can change quickly in a major way. Spending a lot of money on long term legal arrangements can be a waste of time. Is sister still resident? Is the cancer terminal? Why have relationships broken down, and can they be mended? Is there a real need to set this all up now?

My own DH and I have been going through the ‘will and broken daughter relationship’ trial ourselves. My father cut all three children out of his last of many, many wills in favor of the latest flatterer, and after 20 years it’s still hard to forget. I’d prefer not to leave that memory to my daughters. We’ve decided a) to do now short term wills based on the current situation if either or both of us dies unpredictably (eg in an accident), and to do another will when the many variables have settled a bit; and b) to vary the amounts substantially by leaving a uniform financial legacy to each individual, with other assets of varying value to those involved.

We have also decided to nominate relations we trust as residuary legatees, with an accompanying letter requesting them to donate to charities. I have a vivid memory of a post some time ago, where the wealthy parents had set up a charity legatee, and the lawyers for the charity had been very intrusive about any spending on the parents that the adult children wanted taken from the trust (eg a cruise similar to their normal lifestyle). You never know who you might be dealing with!

It’s interesting to read other people’s reactions to difficult relationships and situations. Thanks to all.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Kittybee Apr 2022
I wish I knew how to do this kind of research into people's posts, because it's really interesting to learn backstories! Not sure if maybe my permissions are lower or what, but I haven't figured out how to access this kind of info.
(0)
Report
PeggySue, Margaret, & Lisa,

It's the overall condescending tone of the post, the victim playing, and going on about how much the OP did for her son. That was the giveaway to me of a person who lords it over their child. Then the threat to put the property and whatever else into a trust for the grandchild cutting the son out.
That's not love or generosity to be that way to your kids. That's 'while you please me, I love you. If you displease me in any way, I don't. That's conditional "love". It's really dysfunctional toxic emotional abuse.

"The only joy I have is having my granddaughter close by".

That alone is enough for me to ask, what is the son chopped liver?
Come on.
I believe the relationship between the OP and her son will improve greatly if they sit down and she really listens because it will. It will also improve by being honest and taking some of the responsibility for why the relationship is so bad.

There's a wise saying. I think it is by Oscar Wilde.

'Children start off loving their parents. Then they judge them, and rarely if ever, do the forgive them'.

When people are honest with each other and with themselves there can be forgiveness and love and mended relationships. Not if they aren't though.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Becky04489 Mar 2022
Good answer. I got ripped for mine early on this am, but I tend to be blunt.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Becky04489, thank you, LOL...I know this. I was caretaker for my entire family, and administrator to all estates. I KNOW it is contest and most every other thing where estates, funeral planning, caretaking, administration, POA's, etc. are concerned. If I typed "detest" then it was obviously a mistake, but thank you for pointing out my lack of perfection. Obviously, you detest errors. I do, too...LOL
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Becky04489 Mar 2022
It's the ex-professor in me. Sorry
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Prayers sent.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Try "Done with the Crying" by Sheri McGregor, MA. Help and healing for mothers of Estranged children. It may give you some peace and perspective.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It sounds as though the love you both recognise is conditional - it may be a family dynamic handed down from generation to generation. Giving money and protection in the guise of love and care, with the expectation of something in return is conditional love. Your son threatening to withdraw access to your granddaughter is the same thing - he learned it….he probably also learned a message that he can’t survive without your ‘love’, i.e. money and protection. Set both of yourselves free from that bind. Let him know, in a letter if he won’t discuss, that he has everything he needs to take care of himself and his family on his own. And be prepared to accept the consequences fully. THAT would be an unselfish act of love, both for him and yourself, and take care to do it firmly, but kindly - you love him, he is talented and caring, he’s got this - give notice, formally if necessary. Sometimes clinging on too tight pushes people away - letting go can have wonderful consequences.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You say your son won’t communicate with you. Could you ask someone to act as an intermediary? Not a lawyer as that could come across as possibly threatening to him. What about a family friend or relative you both know and trust? What about his girlfriends parents? Could they help possible give them a place to stay?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

That is a tough question to answer. You need to take care of yourself first. It is like in an airplane where they tell you to take the oxygen first. He is dead wrong to threaten you to not see your grand daughter again. What ever you decide, that is the right thing.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Your son sounds immature and still unable to stand on his own two feet. He is getting mad at you for attempting to kick him out of the nest so to speak. Doesn't sound like he is too happy with his life right now. No reason to take that out on you.

Not sure what type of cancer you have or what your prognosis is, but if you have limited time left or think you may need some assistance in the near future, having your son and his family right next door might be a blessing. Just food for thought. If he does move out and they take your grandchild to daycare, there may not be much time to visit you even if they wanted to. I know during those busy years of having a young child and working full time, it was exhausting and there was never enough hours in the day.

I guess if I were you I would be asking myself which is more important....getting more rent money from complete strangers or having my son and granddaughter close by so that I can see them often. My mind doesn't immediately go to "I need to cut my son out of my will because I don't like how he is acting".
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You can not make anybody change their ways. You need to decide if you can tolerate the abuse so you can see your grandchild. I would suggest that they actually need you more than you need them.

One way to go about breaking the apron string of regrets is to tell them you need to sell the duplex. Tell them you can no longer afford this home and need to sell it. Then, do so. Move into a nice little place you can enjoy. Fill your life with younger people who can be as "children" and "grandchildren" to you.

Change your will to whatever makes you feel like you are helping others with whatever belongings are left after you pass.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
I don’t agree based on where she lives. Two units in a nice area of Orange County will appreciate faster than most other investments, and besides, one of them is her own home.

Id just tell the son that the way it is, is that while she really wants granddaughter there, she really does need the income given her health crisis.
(1)
Report
You want to raise the rent and your son cannot 'afford it'.
You cannot afford to carry them financially.

Wait 6 mos., and decide later. Give him an extension on raising the rent, and take the heat off your relationship. Your situation requires grace.

For 6 mos., you can have your grand-daughter near you. You do not have to be her baby-sitter, or maybe get some boundaries concerning time spent.

In the meantime, can you get some therapy, not because you don't have a legitimate issue with your son, but because the last two years have been horrible for many people, and you could probably use some assistance weighing the positives and negatives of having family nearby.

Can you take some of the money to be used for a trust for your grand-daughter's future, and provide her the stability of 1) being near her grandmother; 2) having a secure home; 3) bringing you the only joy you ever have having her nearby; and 4) not making any major changes while you are battling cancer?

That way, there may not be any inheritance left if you spend it now, the result would be no inheritance for your son anyway. No need to spend money on an attorney to draw up a trust and cut him out of the will. (I have not read any of the other answers).

Try to enjoy the next 6 mos. and have a better quality of life than if your son is forced out and the family is fractured. Do not discuss this plan with your son, simply take the increase in rent off the table and invite the 3 of them to stay.

Extra grace required. 🌹💔🌹

So sorry that you have cancer. My suggestions are meant to help you survive this difficult time.

P.S.
I could not find any updated posts by Peggy Kimber. Had I known this, I would not have posted at all.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter