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Joanne yes you are right!! I am prepared to sign everything over to a facility for my moms care, including signing over the house!!!!
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Rovana yes, yes, yes!!! You are so right!! Thank you!!!! You are absolutely on point!!! I refuse to go to the hospital to talk to the social worker. I will talk to her in private!!! My mom will make up all sorts of sh*t!!! Hell she will probably pass the psych test with flying colors!!! I won’t be there to pick up the pieces. If they release her to home, I am done going to her house!!!! She will have to take a cab and go back to living in that hell hole without me!!!!! I hope it doesn’t happen!!!
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worriedinCali Feb 2020
Elaine, hopefully without you there to pick up the pieces your mother won’t be able to hold it together and pass the assessment. Think about that if you get the urge to visit her!
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Thank you lealonnie, Needhelpwithmom, golden, daughter, riverdale, Plymouth and everyone else I missed for carrying me through this!!! I couldn’t do without you
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Thank you so much all of you!! I do feel proud of myself and much relief. I’m staying away from the hospital. I will talk to the social worker over the phone. I will tell her she can’t go home. Unsafe discharge!!! I know my mother will never speak to me again. She will think I hate her and want her dead!!! That’s not it!!! I love her and want her safe!!!
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Blue24 Feb 2020
And you need to stay sane at the same time. I want the same for my mom - I just hope to G-d she doesn't harm anyone while she's 'happy' being selfish and living the way she wants to.
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Elaine,

Please feel peace about your decision. You know that she is being cared for. I think it’s good they have ordered a psych test. Things could be looking up!

Hugs. 💗
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FINALLY! Your mom is where she belongs. In the hospital where she will be cared for properly by the staff. You are taking photos of the hoard, perfect. You will go to the hospital at some point (probably tomorrow) and show the SW the photos, and go from there. Your mother is NINETY FIVE years old and having incident after incident. She can't live alone any longer. Elaine can't save her this time. It's too late.

Just remain cool, calm & collected tomorrow when you do go to the hospital for the meeting. Your ducks are all lined up now. Mother needs to NOT come home now. She needs placement. That is what you tell the SW as many times as necessary in order for the message to sink in.

Then let go and let God. This is the 'crisis' opportunity you've been waiting for. With God's help, mother will be soon be placed in a care environment where she'll be cared for until she passes. Sending you a giant HUG and a load of prayers that all goes well.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
I totally agree!
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((((((hugs))))) elaine. You are doing the right thing. Your mum is in professional care and that is where she needs to be. If you do what mum wants you will get sucked back in That's her way of doing things. It doesn't have to be yours. You are doing what is good for you and for her. Let the professionals deal with her.

Mother had a crisis about that age (one of several). The more the professionals got involved,the better it went, the better care she got, and the easier it was on me. Did she like it? No she didn't but, nonetheless, it was what was best for her. She got the care and meds that she needed.

Keep us updated.
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Elaine, you aren’t the first one that the hospital staff has seen in this position, and neither is you mom. She’s right where she needs to be to get care. I hope you’ll take the opportunity to care for you. You’ve been great for your mom, her care is past what can be done in her home, and it’s time for a change. This hospital visit may be just what’s needed, in any event I’m pulling for you!
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OMG thank you so much for all your help!!! All of you!!! Each and every one of you has helped me get this far!!! I was on my way to the hospital at 5:00pm when I pulled in the drugstore parking lot to read your responses. I agree with worriedincali!!! I changed my mind!!! I called the nurse and told her to tell my mom that I am not coming up to the hospital today. I told her everything. The hoarding, the not bathing, her treating me like sh*t!!! She said she was so sorry. She would tell my mother I didn’t feel when and couldn’t come up. I also told her it is an unsafe discharge!! She can’t go home and I can’t take care of her!!! She said they were doing a psych evaluation tomorrow. I have to stay away from there. Worriedincali is right. I would get sucked into her mess again!!! They will have to sedate her when they tell her assisted living is in iniment!!!
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Riverdale Feb 2020
Good for you. I hope you feel proud of yourself and I hope this endless circle of "the opposite of heaven" leads to a better path for all of you that have been sucked into this abyss. I know you don't know just what the future holds but I pray it is better than what has been so understandingly difficult for you.

My mother was a lesser version of yours. Apartment was messy,not very clean,she didn't bathe well,couldn't do her laundry,fell on NYC streets buying groceries and on and on. Finally a fall landed her in the hospital and then to rehab and then to AL. I couldn't have gotten her there on my own. Over 6 years later she is much better off. Stay strong.
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Elaine,

I’m so sorry for all that is happening but hoping this is the catalyst to get some awareness and intervention for your mom’s self neglect. I agree with WorriedinCali. Stay away. It would probably be best to avoid her phone calls too, but I recognize how difficult that is. Practice a calm but stern voice, “Mom, I love you and you need help. You need to be in assisted living.” Any attempts by her to argue should be met with, “ Mom, again, I love you but this is not open for discussion.” Hang up and don’t take her calls for the rest of the day. You can do this.
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Wow! All I can say is follow your gut. This is tough. I don’t think I would bring her home. I couldn’t do it because it is not a good atmosphere and she shouldn’t be alone at her age, especially in her situation with the clutter. That is a nightmare.

I think you have offered your mom tremendous support throughout her life. You know that you have.

She can’t continue on the path that she is on. Too much clutter, two story home, all alone in that house, etc. It’s not the right place for her. I bet she’s scared. I would be. There comes a time that we have to give up our independence and allow others to help.

You have a job. You have a family. You cannot keep putting all of your energy into your mom. It’s draining you. I lived it. It drains us. I think sometimes we want the pain to stop so we used to take what we thought was the easy way out by doing everything for them. It really wasn’t the easy way out.

We taught them that we were at their disposal at all times because it’s what we feel in our hearts. It’s emotional. We don’t even see how much we are doing until we step away. At least that is how it was for me.

You have grown so much. You put things into perspective but while that brings a certain amount of relief, the concern for our mothers is still in our hearts. I understand that.

Look, call me crazy but I have compassion for my mom and want the best for her even if she mistreated me at times. I appreciate when she was kind and she did many wonderful things for me as well. I still think of her daily even though I don’t see her because I will not allow myself to be near my brothers or sister in law. I hit my threshold of pain. I would suspect that you are at your threshold of pain.

Elaine, you are at the end of your rope and that is perfectly normal! Tell your mom this is the end of the line. She cannot return to her home. It isn’t safe. I think the EMS workers are your best friends right now. They see your mom’s unacceptable living situation. Ask the EMS workers to testify for you. Stick with telling anyone and everyone that will listen to you about your concerns. I wouldn’t bring her home again. If they put her in a cab then it’s on their hands. You know that she shouldn’t return to her home. Stick by that.

Go see her if you like but don’t let them manipulate you. She’s your mom. You have to deal with this. They don’t and if they did, well...they would be complaining too!

All the best to you, Elaine. If you don’t mind I am going to say a special prayer for you and your mom. I know when I was in a fog that sometimes I was hurting so much that I couldn’t pray. I feel God understands that. The greatest of prophets had dry spells and questioned their circumstances. Everything you feel is completely normal! Hugs, Elaine 💗.
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Keep telling them she can not be released back to her home and you are not in a position to take care of her.

You know AL means private pay. If she can't do that it means Medicaid in Long Term Care.

Good Luck.
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Elaine.....I say don’t go. Your mom is fine, she’s in good hands. Stay home and BE STRONG! This is a golden opportunity to get her placed. I fear that if you go to the hospital you will end up caving in and bringing her home. And the cycle will continue. So stay home and refuse to bring her home. Make it very clear to the hospital and the SW that she cannot go home.
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Thank you susalie, I so appreciate your response. Thank you!!
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Elaine, I'm here don't know what to say. But I'm here....I'll be praying for you and holding your hand even it's a long distance one. Hang on.... hugs....
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