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What? No! Are you nuts?!

If your husband - I'll start again.

In the *incredibly* unlikely event that your now husband suddenly reveals a curious streak a mile wide and asks for details of your second marriage (I am assuming that he does know that you were married and that your second, late husband died to your own children's complete absence of regret, never mind yours) then you give him the facts and explain anything he still wants explained. Try to do it without judgement, though certainly without apology. Trashing the late unlamented is never a good look no matter how well deserved the trashing.

If he should ever say that he feels you're keeping something from him, you can tell him truthfully that yes you are, but you're uncertain how much information he would want.

Does your regrettable second marriage cause you any trust issues, or other potential sources of difficulty in the future?

What happened to the children's Dad, by the way? - still on the scene? It may be that you don't want your husband getting dribs and drabs and snippets of the history from unauthorised sources.

You're right, he can't do anything about what happened to you. But happily you could, and did, and here you are to tell the tale. Just don't feel you have to tell all of it with no compelling reason to.
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There’s nothing to feel guilt or shame about in your past. How much you do or don’t want to share is completely up to you. Very glad you’ve built a new and happy life
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W.hat exactly is it you are "looking for" from your current husband?
Your "grieving" your former husband, what does that "look like" for you?
No, I wouldn't put this baggage down in front of your husband; it isn't his to deal with, it is yours.
If your husband has not asked you anything about your former husband at all it is my opinion that it isn't relevant to him. With my own partner I know he would simply shrug and say "Well, that was then and this is now. If there's anything you need from me as regards all of this, do let me know. If there's anything troubling you about our own relationship, do let me know. If you need me, do let me know. " And on he would go.
If you feel you have "grief work" to do (and don't mistake GRIEF for GUILT. You aren't a felon. You aren't a God. You are a normal human being with limitations, just like everyone else. Were you a felon (who can use the word guilt) you wouldn't care.
If you need to see someone, then see someone, a Licensed Social Worker who is trained in dealing with counseling on life transitions, or a psychologist. Tell your Hubby you have things in your past you would like to comb through with someone, if he asks. Most men are just concerned with "fix it" work; if you don't have something they can fix they aren't that much into it. Tell him that you are very happy with him, and it isn't about your relationship.
For the most part I would be somewhat interested, were I the shrink, in knowing why you are wanting to sabbotage TODAY, a day in which you say you are very happy, with YESTERDAY, which is done and gone and not a thing can change a second of it. What is it you can imagine you can change for the better in all of this.
I sure do wish you the best. You are with a good man. I think that he would be extremely supportive of you. Mine sure would be. Just see to it that you don't punish him with a whole bag of garbage from the past that isn't his to deal with would be my advice.
And, if it would make you feel better, share it. You value his opinion. I am certain, after thinking on it, he will have one for you to consider.
Best out to you, and I am so happy you have found happiness and a new life.
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I am not sure what it is you want to tell your current husband?

That your late husband was an alcoholic?

That you did not grieve his death?

That you feel guilt that your late husband died "...without being healed." You should know that no one can heal an alcoholic. It is 100% on them to find sobriety.

There is no shame in being broken. I am very up front with people that i had a mental breakdown when my marriage ended. At the time I felt shame that I had allowed 22 years of abuse. But I was not the abuser. Yes I stayed, and the marriage ending was harsh and my ex caused all sorts of problems during the separation, but that was then. Today I am a different woman.

I tell people about the mental breakdown, to help to remove the stigma around mental illness. I am a survivor not a victim.

Think about what you want to share with your new husband and why? We do not have to tell everything about our past to new partners.
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BelleMolerab Mar 2022
Tothill you are a hero! I also share with people that I take medication for depression and anxiety. I share about my difficult childhood and about my late miserable marriage. And do you know what reactions I get?
"oh, I'm also taking a high dose of zoloft....."
or:
"tell me more about your childhood, I wanna know if you experienced what I did...."
BEING OPEN IS A BLESSING
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