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On your way out the door do be sure to thank him for being so understanding.
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If you can, start by hiring people to help you, especially if you are starting a new career. You also need to have time for yourself. Stress can cause illness, and the last thing you want or need is to get sick. A cleaner can do the laundry and clean. Handymen can help with household repairs. Caregivers can take people to doctor appointments, make sure they take their medications, and are fed, help with bathing and dressing them, etc. Just remember that if you'll have "strangers" in the house you should lock up valuables and financial papers. Get connected with a social worker or people who can advise seniors in your area to find out what Medicare will cover. See if that helps. It's always better to have seniors you are caring for nearby, if at all possible. It makes things easier. As the pandemic is slowing down, senior facilities are opening up again. If caregivers and home help is not enough you can look into finding a facility for them. Some people require a lot of care as their dementia worsens. It's really not your responsibility unless you are willing to take it on. Your partner should be involved, and hopefully he has POA and the ability to take charge. He needs to do this immediately if the paperwork is not in order, and may need an attorney.
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Why won't he get a caregiver at this house?

He was willing to do it down south, why not up north?

Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, he sounds like a mommas boy and I think that you have dodged a bullet by finding out now that he can't deal with stress or stand up for you. Imagine how you would feel if you received a devastating diagnosis and he checked out with anger and video games? Move on and find a real man to live your life with.
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Can't tell how long you have been in this relationship from this post, but I will speak from experience here. Never, and I mean NEVER, enter a relationship in which you do not have either the equal or an upper hand in decisionmaking. You say you are 50 and don't want to spend the rest of your vital years caring for someone else's family. From what you describe, the relationship has already Gone South, and there you are, captive, for the moment. There appears to be no commitment to you on his part other than having you live in his home, but look at what you do in return. You are doing caregiver and homemaking duty. His apparent sullenness may be an attempt to gaslight you into believing that something is wrong with YOU. Do not buy it. Invest your energy into that new career, because with the appropriate effort, that career will serve you better than this guy ever will.
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After reading your question and many helpful answers, I am in agreement with all who say to leave. I am 54, taking care of my 93 yr old mom , with my husband of 30 years by my side. I know first hand the strain care giving and dementia put on your body, mind and relationships.
So many times in life we say I wish I knew then what I know now, I would have done it differently. You know now. As painful as it may be, this man is not an equal partner. If I were one to give advice, I would say to move back into your own house if its available. I would give no explanation, just leave. I would think you would feel a great relief.( Unless you are going to keep worrying and feeling guilt about his situation, do not allow yourself to think that way.) He says he will understand if you leave, so go.You could say you need a break. Life is short, be selfish, you have done enough for someone who could solve all of his problems with a few phone calls. Go live and enjoy yourself.
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Bigred13 Apr 2021
What's your husbands email I should send this to him it's your blessing for him to leave without regrets of abandoning you and your ill mom . but I wouldn't I'm even doubt your sincerity behind being in a similar situation I have been on both sides his and posters helping my wife with her dying parents and had her helping me.and the obvious answers they need in home help not her too leave imagine just for a moment it was your husbands post and he's thinking this would you want people telling him to disappear or find help so he can rest and you can try to come on terms with the impending death of a parent.
And honestly I do wish you, your mom and husband blessings and understanding of each other forever 💚
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One thing is unclear, where did Mom and aunt live when they weren't in the South for winter? If they lived with your boyfriend, then maybe Mom owns the home?

Nothing is ever black or white, but I do think you should move out for your health, both mental and physical. Perhaps, your boyfriend can seek outside advice, a senior counselor or A place for Mom to help him decide what he can do.

Then, if you choose, you can assist occasionally. Sounds like he needs to hire outside help.

Best wishes.
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I think it's a bit much to take on a new relationship, a new career and now his family members and dementia.  I am certainly not blaming him him...you can call it bad luck, bad timing, whatever you want to call it...but the caregiving of his mom and aunt is going to be huge for him and probably life changing and not in a good way.  For a long time married couple to take this on it would be a marriage stressor.  For a new couple to take this on it would be a death sentence. 

You should sit down and have a serious conversation with him.  I think you owe it to the person you were willing to spend the rest of your life with to talk through all of the options before making the decision to walking away.  I think many peoples first response is to take their family member in and that is not always the best choice.  Does his mom really want her son to spend the rest of his life taking care of her and her sister?  Especially when he has found a new relationship.  Maybe his mom and aunt can share an assisted living apartment... Just talk it over with him.
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I agree with Doggomom “he made his position clear and said he would understand if you left.”

Let’s see how understanding he will be when his help is gone .... because that’s what you are right now. The longer you stay, the more crippled he will become as it relates to standing up and making those tough decisions.

Give him some good advice, let him know that you love him and get-ta-steppin!!! 🚶🏽‍♀️👋🏽
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After reading the responses...and thinking about your post... I think your boyfriend is unconsciously looking for a substitute mother... to take care of everything! He sounds a bit immature. Move as soon as possible. Tell him you hope he gets the right help/placement for his mom and aunt. I think you are setting yourself up for misery if you remain in the home. Go...create a life you enjoy...if he decides to join you at some point...okay. Prayers for you!
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Can you move back into your house? If so, do it immediately. There is no space for you, literally and figuratively, in his home or his life.
These are not your family members, but your health has already been affected by them. And your boyfriend has made his position clear—he won’t make space for you, he won’t make time for you and chooses TV and video games instead, and he would understand if you left. It sounds like the relationship is already over.
I know you planned to spend the rest of your life with this man, and I am sorry that it didn’t go as planned. but now you’re seeing a preview of what that life would be like. It is lucky that you saw it early on.
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rovana Apr 2021
Bigred: If he is severely depressed and uncertain how to proceed, wouldn't it make sense to get counseling, to talk to OP about possible solutions or improvements? But he does not seem to make the effort to at least communicate with OP about their future. They have not made the formal commitment of marriage and now is the time to think if marriage is a good idea. Nothing wrong in looking down the road and deciding if you want to go there. And if he is tied to mom and aunt, then I don't think he is ready for a marriage commitment. Remember the part about "forsaking all others". I think the key to a solid marriage is communication and there seems to be a problem here.
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Move out!
Let him know that you love him and want a loving relationship with him again but it isn't going to happen with being a Caregiver.
Let him know that they both need to go live in a home and he can go visit.

If he's not willing to do this, let him know you're leaving and Leave!

Maybe it will take you leaving before he sees and feels the real effect if it as he won't have you there helping which will leave the responsibility back on his shoulder.

I imagine within 6 months, he'll have them both in a home.

Prayers
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You and your partner are experiencing stress and burn out from caregiving. If your partner is willing to see a counsellor with you to discuss changes, there is hope this relationship can blossom. It would also require your partner tp being willing to allow other help into the caregiving dynamic. If your partner is not willing to discuss changes or implement changes, you are better off leaving.
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Guilt is the only thing keeping you there. Guilt is negative energy. It will wear you down to nothing if you let it. It takes strength to leave. Get strong and get out.
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Walk away - he doesn't have a great buy in to your relationship, you are wasting your life in a situation you are not that important in.
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He could figure this out. He could find the elderly ladies somewhere else to live. He could find a place for your stuff. He has not done so. Is he guilty, stuck, feeling obligated or trying to hold on to inheritance? Who knows. Please stop trying to figure out his reasons for not changing the situation and try, instead, to figure out why you are not changing the situation.
He says he can understand why you would leave. So he clearly has made his choice. Be grateful that this happened before you got too far into it. These ladies were eventually going to have a crisis; it is always only a matter of time.

So get working on this and find another situation for yourself. Sorry that what looked like a great chance at happiness but if this is how he handles a crisis, best you leave now.
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Unfortunately you can stay and continue to be a caregiver, or leave. He doesn’t seem to be stepping up to find a solution to a major problem with his family so that is probably a signal of how future problems would be handled. You can’t think you can change people if they don’t want to change. No action means no change. Good luck.

he is showing you that he doesn’t value you and y’all’s relationship with his inaction.
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You chose to live with your partner.
You did not choose or agree to live with and become the caregiver to his elderly mother and aunt.
Mom is also jealous and resentful of you being there. Even though you're pretty much a servant in the house, she resents you because she's competing with you for her son's affection. That's why she refuses to allow any space for your things. She will throw a tantrum and make her son's life miserable if he supports you in any way because she wants you out.
There's an old Italian saying. "Better a viper in your bed then two women at your table". It has to be you or mother.
Give your partner the ultimatum that either they go or you do. Really there is no other way.
You say you'll be 50 soon. You're not a kid yourself anymore. Don't sacrifice the remainder of your youth to the drudgery and misery of being a caregiver to people who clearly have no love or even respect for you. They probably never did.
If your partner chooses his mother and aunt over you, then so be it. Tell him they can keep his bed warm at night because you're out. Good luck to you and I hope your partner makes the right choice.
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bundleofjoy Apr 2021
i really like your answer. hug!!

“She resents you because she's competing with you for her son's affection.”

“She will throw a tantrum and make her son's life miserable if he supports you in any way because she wants you out.”


so true.
and actually quite similar to how some mothers treat their daughters.

woman (mother) against woman (daughter)
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I read your responses.

I married the first time at 24 for all the wrong reasons. My ex had not had a good childhood. Mom died, foster home, Dad remarried, didn't get along with Stepmother, ect. So I thought I could give him what he needed. If I had made a list of pros and cons, I would never have married him. It was even one sided before we married. 4 years in we had a daughter. Things went downhill from there. He came home one day and said he didn't want to be married anymore. He took our daughter on Friday afternoons and made sure she was back by dinner. Gave up his parental rights so my now DH could adopt my daughter. Then he just walked out of her life. He was found dead at 69 yrs old sitting in his recliner in front of his TV with beer cans surrounding him. Yes he had married again but again after 5 years he divorced her. So, he died alone.

He like your BF never learned how to have relationships with people. He had turned away 2 wives. Didn't keep in touch with the half siblings he had. Had no long lasting friendships. He did me the biggest favor he could, let me go. I have been married 40 yrs, 2 daughters and 2 grandsons. All within 5 min away. He had told a fellow worker when he retired he was just going to sit in his chair, in front of the TV and drink beer. Thats how he wanted to live the rest of his life.

I think you know what you will be doing. You have been told you don't need to stay. Then don't. Go back to your house. This man is doing you a favor, their is someone out there that will love you above all others.
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Run, don’t walk. Leave as soon as possible.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

You deserve better. Best wishes to you.
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Definitely- walk away. I had doubts before I got married and wish I listened to myself. You can find happiness elsewhere.
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I believe you need to walk away. I don't think he will take steps to get mom and aunt into appropriate care while you are providing the solution for him. He needs to understand that he is simply not available for a marriage relationship while he is tied to mom and aunt.
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I'm guessing from your responses, you have made up your mind.

One more thing to think about: I don't think your boyfriend's issue is that he's overwhelmed - however true that is - I think his issue is maturity, or specifically the lack thereof.

Unless you have lived an extremely charmed life, there are very few adults who haven't been overwhelmed at one time or another. A mature person deals with it - a mature person doesn't remove him/herself from the situation (like zoning out watching TV or playing video games) while everyone around him/her deals with the situation that is making that person feel overwhelmed. That's something that a child does.

A mature person who is in a committed relationship has enough sense to say to their significant other "I am feeling so overwhelmed by this - what can I do to solve this problem?" A child says "I am feeling overwhelmed - fix it for me."

A mature person invites assistance - not gives the entire problem over to another because he "can't deal". A child does that.

Do you want to be in a relationship with an adult, or act as a mother figure to a man-child? I think that's why he's so reluctant to leave his mom - she treats him like a child, so he can continue to act like a child. His anger with you is that you're not willing to take up that role anymore, and who can blame you? I'm sure that's not what you signed on for when you took up with this person.

If your plan is to cut your losses, do it before you waste anymore of your precious time. If not, be prepared to spend more time in your relationship being a mom, and less time being a partner.
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I'd leave on the grounds that I can't stand the smell of burning martyr. Leave if you want to, I'll understand, I'll manage somehow, even though as it is you and I are overwhelmed, you feel ten years older and ill and I'm staring at the headlights...

Oh, please!

Put it to him that he ought to put his mother first, and work with you on a plan to meet her needs which are bound to increase. Research options, share them with him, set him deadlines, help him with the difficult conversations. And what's the aunt's role in all this? Help or hindrance?
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Mrsrubee Apr 2021
“Burning martyr!” I’m definitely stealing that.
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I just had a good laugh. Sorry, but how in the heck did you get into all this mess and yes it is a mess. I would run and not walk in my opinion to the nearest exit. Partner needs to step up and take all the responsibility of caring for them, home care, facility what ever, and it is not your responsibility. Wish you the best. I have not read other posts but maybe they can give you better advice. Take care.
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Aghtgh4216, sorry to post a second time but after being married to the same good man for 39 years (and dating for 5 before that), you need to find someone who is: 1) ambitious and 2) a problem-solver -- BECAUSE life is a series of challenges, one after another. That's just a fact. People who don't understand and accept this get stuck in place, frozen. That's your man right now. He's not rising to the occasion. So, don't be stuck with him. You must solve your own problem by moving out. Your "love language" may be acts of service, but it shouldn't be a life of slavery. There's no security in your current situation, just mire.
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Aghtgh4216 Apr 2021
Hi Geaton777,

I do agree with you, ambition and problem solving are a needed trait to maneuver through this life.
I believe he shuts down because he is overwhelmed. He is an only child, lived with his mom until he was 30, moved out on his own and now back with her at 50. She has been the one constant women in his life. His ex wife and ex girlfriend told him that he was not present during their relationships either, so he knows. I guess, I was hoping things would change.
I don’t feel stuck, but was really, really hoping he would put me first. My mistake completely for waiting. I hate having to start over. My mother says “you need to take care of your treasures,” he doesn’t see me as such. She said, I am the treasure and should not devalue who I am.
Thank you for the emotional investment you have given me. Much appreciated.
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Run away, as fast as you can. Don’t marry him. He’s not the one!!! I’m keeping it short and simple!
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Aghtgh4216 Apr 2021
Thank you
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"He told me that he would understand if I left".

So leave. Please.
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Aghtgh4216 Apr 2021
Horrible to say to someone that you supposedly love.
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First reaction is "Goodbye, farewell..".

He may be in over his head? Have no clue what to do. How to please all these women at once. But tuning out watching TV is not going to fix anything.

When you walk away, he will see if he can find the way back to his own life. You will see he can find his way back to you.

You will find the strength for your journey I'm sure.
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Aghtgh4216 Apr 2021
Hello Beatty,
Yes, he is in over his head. Any suggestions for change get shot down. His guilt keeps him from doing anything and having a better life for him and/or me.
He is worried people will say he is a bad person if he moves his mom somewhere. Not to mention, she would have a better life too. She sits in her room alone for 23 hours a day. Having a team of caregivers to attend to her, would make a great change. I’ve tried to explain to him, but goes on deaf ears.
So he would rather be alone, without a solid partner by his side. Sad but true.
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Break-ups are hard. To help you out, there's this......
(In a past life, I researched these things)

1) Take a photo of him as he is playing videos, or not showered watching T.V. for days, unshaven, warts and all.

You won't need to keep it very long, or even refer to it much at all. I lost my photo of ex, but remember it well. He was leaning over the master bedroom mirror, brushing his teeth at the sink, and his hand was inside, down the back of his underwear.

2) Dr. Laura always used to advise a ring on your finger (before marriage, or moving in together). Now, look down at your left hand, ring finger......his intentions will become clearer.
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Sendhelp Apr 2021
Apologies, what was I thinking sharing this?
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Yes, walk away as soon as you can. Should be easier given nothing but your clothes are yours. He will then decide on placement of his elders and a relationship with you, or not. I hope you haven't yet rented your home. I think to stay in this relationship given you already know what it is like would be a GRAVE MISTAKE and I think that you already understand that.
I am glad he is understanding of your need to leave. Now leave as soon as possible.
Your boyfriend has made his choice. In my humble opinion it is WELL PAST time for you to make your own choice. Take full responsibility; tell him he is a fine man and this isn't his fault, but that you had no idea really and that you now understand your own limitations, and that one of them is that you cannot live with and care for elders.
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Aghtgh4216 Apr 2021
Thank you for the good words. Very true as well.
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