I am my mother's medical and financial POA. My father and brother are dead and I have been managing my mother's affairs legally since 2018. Mom is in an assisted facility with memory deterioration. I live in a city an hour and half drive away. Mom moved into the facility after she had a serious heart failure that required a pacemaker implant. She lives in a rural community where health care is adequate, but anything difficult or requires a specialist means trips to nearby cities. I tried to keep her in her home as long as possible, but she finally made the decision to move to the only facility she deemed fit to go to. She liked it because she was close to my brother's wife and children and great grandchildren, with promises of visiting and calling. Mom's short term memory is leaving and her PCP assured me that this would have happened even if there was no covid and he has noticed a marked decline in the last several months. It is becoming more difficult for me to handle her needs, my stress is high. The cherished family that lives close by have not called or visited either social front porch/social room, or virtually. I have pushed, given suggestions, covered for them when she would ask why she doesn't see them. Mom is struggling to understand why they don't visit, I am struggling to deal with the difficulty in doing runs of "drive and drops" during lockdown. My stress level is high. I have made the difficult decision to move mom to a facility close to me so we can visit, she has good medical care as she ages, and to help my stress level.
My SIL had a stroke and has recovered, she is still dealing with memory and confusion issues due to the stroke. I have discussed this possibility of moving mom closer and she understands because she sees how difficult it is becoming for me. But her children will be upset, even tho they have not seen or talked with mom. MY children have seen her more via virtual visits and they live in various parts of the country and out of the country.
I know I am making the right decision, I know it will be difficult for mom to leave her little town, I am prepared to deal with this, but I am anticipating a major blowback from the local crew. NOT sure I can deal with THAT. My SIL sees mom is not mom, but her children, who live just blocks away, have not talked with her enough to notice the decline. Am I being too selfish for being exhausted with long distance management and stress? Has anyone any advice?
Mom was so happy. Staff keeps me informed as well. She wants to see the kids, I have pushed and pushed them to use the tablet and phone. Plus they post EVERYthing on social media and I know if they were calling they would post.
Thanks for your help!
The word “selfish” shouldn’t even be part of your language when speaking of what you intend to do.
The way you deal with the “flack” is by training yourself to ignore it.
A similar situation nearly succeeded in making me physically ill when it became necessary to place my LO before Covid. I actually consulted a lawyer who wrote a letter suggesting that the offending parties could choose to “show up or shut up”. That did the trick.
If this changes the frequency of visits, you can always think again. My DH visited his mother weekly, also about 2 or 3 hours away in a really great NH. It took a whole day. He also phoned for an hour every other day. I get it!
Yes it will be sad for your Mother to leave her town. But in reality, is she interacting much within the town now? It's ok to be sad, for your town relatives to be sad also. I would label it as that: sadness.
The danger is their own guilt over not visiting will get thrown as blame full force at you. You may not be able to stop that. Maybe rephrasing? Think of a 'slogan' & be a broken record with it.
It is not your fault that anyone ages. Your Mother needs more help now, needs your help, so she is moving closer to you.
I wish you well for the transition.
Your words have helped
Move mom and develop a thick skin if there is criticsm.
The phrase "I couldn't possibly continue to do that long drive anymore" is a starting place.