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We came home to find her sitting on the floor, no injuries, she said she fell but no explanation. We texted her that we were on the way home and she answered so she supposedly fell after that, about 10 minutes. Hasn't fallen in years, but we also haven't gone anywhere in years.

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Someone suggested a lot of us were callous. While I disagree, I will say callouses develop after rubbing or overusing the same spot over and over again until the skin becomes thicker to protect against the constant abuse to itself.
I will agree that many of us have had to develop a thicker skin when dealing with loved ones because we cannot be what they need. We cannot provide them with the care they need (facilitating every single aspect of their lives so they can remain home and pretend they are independent) and they will tell anyone who will listen how terrible we are for not "helping them".
I know I've developed a thicker skin when people outside of the family admonish us for admitting we can't provide the type of care FIL needs at home any longer. We get the "that's your dad you owe it to him". Well first of all, not my dad. My dad had his faults like anyone else. But when he required care in his last few years he was thankful and sweet and never asked for more than he needed. FIL wants someone at his beck and call 24 hours a day and doesn't care what it costs anyone else as long as he gets what he wants. He has always been abusive and mean and it gets worse as he gets older. And he is a raging narcissist who gets mildly violent and agressively angrier when challenged.
When your FIL calls you while your husband is in spinal surgery, not to check on his condition but to ask how long he will be out of work after because he needs some help with some things around the house, maybe you do become a little calloused, who knows?
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paulfoel123 Jun 2020
With you there - its disgraceful how some people think you should do whatever they want.

My Dads EXACTLY the same. I had back problems a few months ago - it was so bad I couldnt drive. He lives 20+ miles away so I thought "nope I aint driving over there".

It got better but then he started asking how my bask was EVERY TIME I SPOKE TO HIM. Not like him at all he doesnt care about anyone else.

Then I realised - he doesnt care about me, all he cares about is my fitness to visit him, to serve him. He wants to know if anything is going to affect my ability to do what he wants.
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gemwinner - forgot about the fake calls. Yeh loads of them. He knows to mention chest pains and can't breathe - the magic words....

One of the reasons my wife doesnt speak to him now - shes an RN. Shes seen him do it many times...
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As I stated before the OP (Christine745) has not given enough information in order for anyone including myself to give their opinion or advice.

Falls can be dangerous! After one of my mom's falls she dislocated her hip and because it's a prosthetic hip (as well as the age of my Mom) the doctors in the ER had a really hard time putting her hip back in place.

As most know falls are the leading cause of fatal injury and death among the elderly. Google the statistics.

I'm not saying her MIL faked the fall, all I'm saying is there is not enough information to make an informed response.

I also wonder why Christine has not replied to any of the posts here?

Jenna
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You're not giving enough context for outsiders to accurately comment on this. Has she exaggerated things in general? What kept her from falling after the earlier falls, and how many were there, how long ago?

My own mother has fallen a few times and not wanted to give details, so it's hard to assume anything from the info given here. Falls can be embarrassing, you know.
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gemswinner12 May 2020
Embarrassing?? These Fake Fallers are Far From Embarassed!!
In Fact, Fake Fallers Fish For Fretters!
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Callous, I don't think so. There is some mental decline as we age. They do become like children. And like children, you need to set boundries. You should not have to give up your life and money to care for parents or anyone for that fact. If making life easier for children by moving near them is what needs to be done than do it. We have/had a member whose husband for years had been taking care of parents/in-laws yard and home maintenance but now it was too much for him. Parents/in laws were not sympathetic. If you can no longer do upkeep on a home or afford to pay someone, then move to an apartment or AL. Take advantage of the resources out there.

I believe we owe our parents to look out for them if they have been good parents. We need to keep them safe, fed, clothed and warm. Not neccessarily care for them physically. Being family means to be there for each other. That they have enough money to pay bills. But in return, they need to realize that as they age, compromises need to be made. Staying in your home may not be possible.

But the problem I find on this forum is that the people looking for help are those with parents who want it their way and feel entitled. A number of members have narcissistic parent/parents. Parents won't bend to make things easier on the Caregiver. Or there was abuse as a child. This child should not take care of that parent.

Things have changed since the 50s. More woman are in the workforce. More divorce and single parents. Children leaving the towns they were raised in to get better jobs. Should they have to uproot themselves for the convenience of a parent? Parents living into 80s and 90s so children are Seniors too, some having their own health problems. One woman who posted had supported a parent to the point she was broke and had no idea how she was going to live in her old age.

We ALL need to make choices. We need to realize what as Caregivers what we are capable of and how much we can afford to jeopardize our future to care for someone. Our spouses and family should be considered in our decisions. We have a few posters where MIL was moved in with no thought to how the spouse thought about it. And it can't be one sided. Each side has to give a little. I know, in a perfect world.
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My MIL has faked falls ever since I met her some 35+ years ago. Even toddlers in the family ignore her during one of them. The best was right before Thanksgiving dinner when food was being put out on the table. We figured it was fake because she made sure not to clutch the tablecloth (& bring everything down on herself). The 2 toddlers just walked around her like everyone else did. Even her own husband ignored her. My son asked if she wanted her plate of food down there & offered to make it up for her. Callous? Perhaps. However, fake falls were such a common occurrence no one believed her anymore. She got up very easily by herself when she realized we weren’t going to delay dinner.
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gemswinner12 May 2020
WoW!! A Fake-Faller with a 35+ year track record?? That has got to be some kind of a record!! I don't know who should get the trophy. You, for being the Son in Law of the Century (maybe two Centuries), Your MIL for Best Actress, or just the Whole Family for Loving/Understanding/ and Cohesiveness? I guess you have the next several months to anticipate her 2020 Fake Fall Holiday Classics. Thanks for the chuckles!!
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On a similar note to faking....

Most days Dad walks about a round trip of half a mile across a busy road to get to the Betting shop (not sure what its called in US - where you bet on horse races etc)..... He manages this.

When he used to come to my house, he'd do the "1 inch shuffle". If he wanted to go the bathroom he would shuffle an inch at a time, grab my arm almost pull me over, all the while moaning "oh dear oh dear oh dear".

Thing is I never got that. He knew I knew he'd walked to the betting shop literally the previous day. Would have taken him 3 hours at the 1 inch shuffle speed. Yet hes in my house laying it on thick that hes "so ill".

Its laughable - although my wife never found it funny.
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gemswinner12 May 2020
Paul, Thank you for the Fake Fall Story. Priceless!! One Inch Shuffle to the Bathroom, Full-On Sprint to the Track! Makes Perfect Sense!
Seriously, though, gambling is such a sad addiction; I sincerely hope he finds joy in other activities, and I also hope that he doesn't lose serious amounts at the track.
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cwinter - callous? Oh I've been called worse that that.

Most people have their own families as well. ALL of us would do right by our parents. Are we expected to give up our own families though because our parents play up or expect us to? Umm no.

Its a balancing act. No-one gets ALL my time. I have numerous responsibilities.
I have a wife whos long term ill, a teen with aspergers, a 6 year old - Am I callous because I refuse to cut them loose to spend 100% of my energy on Dad which is what he wants?

Interested to hear you're answer....
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gemswinner12 May 2020
Exactly, Paul. While the main subject here is Fake Falls....What about Fake Calls?? Come to think of it, My Mom started harassing me at my job by calling me 5-10 times per shift; I am an RN and could NOT come to the phone. My boss was nice enough to tell her for me that I could not talk, I was at work, and if she really needed something urgently, she should call an ambulance. She had no sense of boundaries or where she ended and my life began.
She was developing Alzheimer's/Dementia, and I had to step in and take over her life. I made sure she was well-cared for, and she passed away about two years ago from Alzheimer's related complications, but I'll have to say that lady (my own Mother) put me through Hell just about my entire life, including my childhood. I am finally now, at 52, feeling free and living my own life without having to worry about her, or fear what she's going to do to me.
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That would be pathetic.
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Yes, I have experienced it. My exes grandmother always wanted to be the center of attention and waited on hand and foot but was abusive her whole life but that is a different story. We caught her turning around twice then willing her knees to bend to get on the floor. They had already been to the hospital the last week because she "fell" trying to use the bathroom. They knew she was faking due to the lack of urgency at her trying to get ready to go the ER. Glad I don't have to deal with her anymore it is sad that some parents won't let you live your life due to there own selfishness or wants for attention especially the ones that want to be independent as long as possible but wants us to help them at every whim.
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Imho, it is possible for the "faux" fall act. It could be done to garner attention, though I would dislike thinking that - "the be careful what you wish for scenario."
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My 88 year old mother-in-law has pulled the "fake an emergency for attention" thing before. She has MCI and does all manner of wacky things. My wife is her legal guardian and caregiver, but my mother-in-law's doctor said she would be okay staying alone for a few days if we had someone some in and check up on her every day. We contacted the local Council on Aging and they said they could provide a person to do that, when we went on our annual family camping trip last year (the trip normally lasts for 5 days). It was a 3 hour drive to the campground. Now, we had gotten my mother-in-law a Jitterbug smartphone. She likes it, but the "emergency button" is right in the middle of the screen, where it is easy for an uncoordinated person like my MIL to hit it by accident while swiping to open the home screen. The first night we were camping, we got a call from the hospital back home about midnight. Seems my MIL had accidentally hit the emergency button, When they asked if they should send help, my MIL apparently said, "well...maybe. I don't feel quite right". They sent an ambulance to take her to the ER, but all they found was that (A) she was slightly constipated, and (B) she was sundowning badly. They gave her a sedative to help her sleep, but they told my wife that while they couldn't admit her mother to the hospital (since there wasn't anything really that she could be admitted for), they couldn't just release her to go home after this incident because there was nobody home. So my wife had to drive all the way back home - 3 hours - sign her mom out, and find a respite home to put her in for the next several days (we have a tiny popup camper, only big enough for my wife, my two kids, and me, with no bathroom facility inside, and I can just see my mother-in-law injuring herself trying to go to the campground's bathroom in the middle of the night; and besides, we needed a break from my MIL Live-in caregivers will understand...). So, we decided that from now on we would put my MIL in a respite facility if we go on any trips like that. Safer for her, less stressful for us.

As a side note, my MIL was actually ANGRY with the people in the ER because they DIDN'T find anything wrong with her!
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Wow - so many fake fallers! My FIL is 93, has dementia and is very unsteady on his feet and uses a walker. He has fallen MANY times without injuring himself. His knees just give out. And if you ask him what happened, he can't tell you. I don't think he's faking, because he's very embarrassed when we have to get him up off the floor.
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Yes my 78 year old mother with Parkinson’s does that when she’s trying to break someone that put up new boundaries. No witnesses, different reasons on how and why she fell and always to pull you back in if you’re trying to do something for yourself
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A nanny cam that's out of reach! Should probably let her know it's there.
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Mjustice98 May 2020
Great idea
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My 93 year old father will lower the bar on his hospital style bed if a box is not put under the bar. He can’t sit up by himself but he can somehow manage to slide to the floor. No injuries, no pain, but it takes two people to lift him to sitting on a chair or walker. The home health nurse says it counts as a fall. In my dad’s case I think he doesn’t realize he can’t manage on his own. Instead of asking for help he wants to get up so he tries to get up. Then he is surprised at the outcome.
I am not a fusser type person. It feels fake, and my dad was never that way with me. I simply tell him how expensive a nursing home is and if he wants to stay at my house here is what he needs to do. Straightforward works for some people.
faking a fall is quite possible, but if they get consequences they don’t like they are less likely to fake things.
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ButterCuP7 May 2020
The lady I work with gets up, walks very good when she doesn't think about it. As soon as her mind comes to grips with what she did then fear takes over and she can't walk. When we are use to doing things and suddenly we can't that is very fearful to them. Just my thoughts.
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Video camera.
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Others have posted many valuable comments on this forum, about seniors and their "fake falls" as an attention-getting tactic. It's the same thing that a toddler does learning to walk; if they have an audience, they wail and fuss as if they have been tortured. If there is no audience, they pick themselves back up and carry on as if nothing ever happened.

Have you installed "nanny cams" in the house to monitor her safety? You might consider doing this. Put them up high, such as near the ceiling, so she cannot reach them - and might even forget that they are there. (Out of sight, out of mind.)
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gemswinner12 May 2020
Yes! Many people forget that cameras are there, even when they have been told, signed a waiver, and stand the chance of losing a job. I have a friend who is a bank president; every week he is forced to fire at least one employee who misbehaved badly ~in spite of knowing cameras are EVERYWHERE inside banks. Everything from sex in break rooms, to check-forging and outright stealing cash from customers.
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My MIL used to have injuries that, somehow, always happened when she had an audience.
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My mom just passed away Tuesday from 3 fractures suffered when The power lift chair she was on practically hurled her across our CARPETED floor. She was alert and in pain - knee swelled up immediately and could tell maybe had dislocated shoulder and black eye. All on her left side of the body. Please be careful with theses chairs. My parents have had them for years. We aren’t sure if she may have fell asleep on the remote or if she got confused with up and down buttons and it was too late by time she could figure out she cried out for help. My dad was on his chair sleeping 4 feet away and heard her cry out then he called for help (he can’t walk due to hip fracture suffered during hospital stay). The fall broke her clavicle humerus and femur. The chairs have been of great use over the last 6 years but we never envisioned this situation or gave it much thought to how high they can go without a safety mechanism in place to override / confirm how high up you really want to go. Please share this so any of your family members do not have to go through this awful situation. I was looking for grief advice- being second day since my mom’s gone and saw this question and I wonder if it was my mom’s way of telling me “make your mess your message” and help others So sad right now- gave her the best care we could and this was what contributed to her leaving us. In honor of my mom please be careful
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gemswinner12 May 2020
HoustonPat; my deepest condolences for your loss, and thank You for the heads-up about those power chairs. They do sound potentially dangerous for elders.
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A couple things could happen here. If this is a fake fall, then she runs the risk of having "cried 'wolf' " and not being believed if she has a "real" fall.

Another is that if it's due to dementia, then she is liable to be put in a facility for dementia (where she would belong), but if it is fake, then she may end up in such a facility but not like being there! It's like the small child claiming s/he's too sick to go to school, so the parents say s/he'll go to the doctor to get a shot to treat the sickness.
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MargaretMcKen May 2020
I convinced my small daughters that if they were sick the first aid was a glass of lemon juice. It worked wonders!
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Go to an Alzheimer's conference or ask the local rep for a list on how to accident proof your home. Then there will be no doubt. Arbitrary gambling will earn her and you a trip to the E-room and then an osteo-doc-- my Mom's shoulder took forever to heal and then led to her greater decline and eventual death.
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gemswinner12 May 2020
There’s no way to completely accident proof a home in real life. Just ask any parent!!
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Oh yes, I've experienced this. Mom does this for attention FOR SURE !!!. I know there was one occasion where she did fall but it was because she was shuffling and her slipper 'stuck' to the very thick carpet. She had a soft fall and did a roll...she was NOT hurt. I was in the next room coming into the room when I saw it happen and she was down before I could reach her. Fortunately she tripped while on a carpet and not hurt. But, she made it sound a WHOLE lot worse; I kept reassuring her she was okay and not hurt....she never even had a bruise or any sore muscles afterwards....(I kept checking just to make sure since she is on blood thinners )...I put ice on where I thought she might hurt just to fuss on her a little. But I heard her repeat the incident to a few girlfriends on the phone and she kept saying "I fell down yesterday and boy did I fall hard and I went 'clunk' ".... (she likes to use the word 'clunk') in fact, she was smiling and laughing about 30 minutes afterwards so that was another indication to me she was fine. (To me, 'clunk' indicates 'bad')...I'm sure it is traumatic for an elderly person to fall. I don't wish this on anyone. There was another time she tried to tell me she 'fell' but as I kept asking questions about it, she it turned out she didn't . she was looking sheepish at me so I knew then she was just fibbing...smh .... she lives with my brother and I see her every day for a few hours. So, I started spending a little more time with her because I'm sure she gets a little lonely when he's at work. He is now retired so she is not alone anymore. I still see her every day and do showers for her twice a week and other personal hygiene things. No more 'falling'...first make sure she/he's okay, then fuss on them a little because that's all they want is a little more fussing....grin and bear it. Lots of love and triple doses of patience...if it 'keeps happening' more often, and as horrible as it might seem, mention it might be safer to be in a facility for their well being... it may lessen the faking...and, if it really does keep happening, then it may be the best place . I won't put Mom in one unless it's absolutely necessary. But, for safety reasons or medical are I will.
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Hi. Oh yes! My 92 year old mother lives with us. Last week she told me she fell from the top stair to the bottom stair which lead to our garden (10 steps) and rolled under the BBQ where she lay for hours. She would have to be the size of a guinea pig to fit under there and I was in the house at the time and in and out of the garden. I am afraid its attention seeking Im sorry to say.
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2020
They love to confabulate certain things dont they?!?? 🙃
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We have absolutely experienced this. Whenever she wants attention or believes she is due something; she will “fall” and then spend the next several days embellishing the story to the point she’s lucky to be alive. Strangely all these falls end up being our fault somehow.
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gemswinner12 May 2020
Tluther, Can you video record her Fake Fall Story? You would be the interviewer/ reporter, and ask her for more details:)) I truly believe it could turn out to be a keepsake years from now)).
I know it might seem strange, but my Mom’s been gone a few years, and I wish I had more videos and pictures of her last years; even though she had Alzheimer’s, bits of her humor and personality would pop out here and there.
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No my mother has done same thing as well but she is marking herself and when I go to touch her move her she will start screaming that I’m hitting her we have camera in lounge she looks at it and she smile starts To mark her self I believe for attention
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gemswinner12 Jun 2020
Sandra, that sounds at least borderline sociopathic liar territory. She sounds like a real handful! I wonder what else your Mom has been up to?
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I haven't read the other responses but before I can give my opinion I would like to know how old your MIL is, does she live alone, how is her health, etc.

My 94 year old Mom has fallen (even with using her walker) and had no injuries. I know she didn't fall on purpose, she is older and doesn't have the balance she used to have. My Mom still tries to be independent because her entire life she was independent. She uses an electric heating pad and sometimes the plug comes out of the socket and instead of calling me to plug it back in she tries to do it herself, loses her balance and falls on the floor. Again, no injuries so far. I think I will duck tape the plug in.

Again, I would need more information regarding your MIL before I could give you my opinion.

Jenna
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When my mother fell, she couldn't get up on her own. She never hurt herself though. It is always a big worry they may fall when you are not there. Maybe she could carry her phone with her so if she falls she can call you.
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If this happened just once, isn't it too early to categorize your mother in-law's situation as faked? It is certainly possible to fall without injury – I have fallen numerous times with no injuries – and getting up without holding onto something is often impossible. I suggest waiting to see if a similar situation occurs.
If your assessment IS correct, then her behavior may well be a cry for attention but you must be careful about buying into it. Perhaps suggesting a visit to her doctor to diagnose the problem will encourage her to rethink her behavior. And if there is a valid reason for her fall, then an attempt at diagnosis is definitely in order.
A frank discussion to reassure her that you love her and are there for her even when you are not physically present can never be a wrong move. Give her some slack – getting older is tough. It'll happen to you someday. It happens to us all--it's a relentless process. Aging ain't for sissies!
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DonnaF777 May 2020
And Ruth... THAT is exactly what they want... you running to them every time they call you and some do it several times a day and all hours of the day. Another commenter on here stated.....you need to hold them accountable for what is going on...... not just RUN TO THEM every time "something happens". They want to call the shots on everything and will have you running over there all the time and/or calling on the phone. Many have undiagnosed dementia so they have no reasoning abilities any more... they no longer care about YOU or anyones life. I have taken care of the elderly for over 25 years as a nurse/home health aide and they lie to get what they want..or they are so far gone into their dementia they don't know they are lying. You can't tell much of the time. I have one lady..... she has her grown daughter living with her even though this daughter has a husband, kids and grandkids and also works full time time. Mom says she will NEVER go into a facility which means what? This daughter is doing ALL grocery shopping like 3 times a week because mom is constantly needing something..picking up take out because mom has decided that she wants ribs tonight.. daughter does her med planner, picks up prescriptions, has to pay mom's bills, has to clean the house, PLUS take care of mom's dog which means dealing with groomers, taking dog to vet.... since groomer is not coming out during virus mess, daughter is now having to give dog a bath; dealing with my home health care agency and hospice. Daughter is doing a bunch of the cooking too because mom is always demanding home cooking like home made chicken and dumplings...I made her that and she had insisted on me using self rising flour... did not work so patient had me throw that out. Daughter was notified mom wanted chicken and dumplings...so daughter got it. Then we went through 2 types of chicken soup... and threw those out.. so daughter does the shopping and mom goes through the food very fast because she does not like it even though she is the one who ordered it! Complains about pain but refuses to take pain pills because she doesn't want to get hooked on them... (At this point, does not matter) Again,... SHE IS GOING TO STAY IN HER HOUSE but look at what this is costing he daughter and everyone else! She does not care. Daughter needs to put her foot down. This is her mom's life... her mom eats garbage... her diet has always been garbage so then has multiple health issues but look how mom's choices have and is affecting everyone around her! Please folks... do NOT allow your parents to take control of your life like this! Yes... we are to respect them but this is NOT respecting them. This woman does not care about others and what she is putting them through. She sits like a "queen"... able to do nothing on her own while ordering others around, This is WRONG. Daughter not living at her own house... with her own husband... and be with her own kids and grand kids because she allows her mother to bully her. Evidently this mom has always been this way. Sad... just sad. I know how this is... my mom was this way. My older brother got married... and wife had a small daughter...and when our mom tried this nonsense, my brother finally let her know that he was married and his duty was to his wife and daughter. My mom had no health issues that we knew of... she never went to doctor. Yeah.. she had gone over to their house, sat on the steps and bawling. Enough is ENOUGH!. Most people will take advantage of you, exploit you when you allow it. Many of these elderly should be in facilities. NOT AT HOME. The elderly, many are simply lonely and when they are AT HOME... they don't see people and do nothing all day. Put them into a facility where there are OTHER PEOPLE...to eat with, to play games with, to watch TV with...play bingo... reading clubs...musicians coming out all the time to listen to.. AT HOME is boring... so they call YOU. Kids are NOT obligated to do this
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Yes. About 8 years ago, when my mom had no benchmark for how healthy old people behave and should behave, she tried that. Her neighbor was 10 years older than her and would legitimately fall...so of course that led to the faulty logic of “well, old people must fall to get attention”. So she tried that with...”fell” in the basement. So when I went to help her up, I explained to her that we’d be going to the doctor who would put her on a diet. Diet???? I explained to her that if she falls and can’t get up, she’ll have to lose about 30 pounds so she’d be more mobile. The threat of taking her awful grocery store coffee cake away was more than she could stand to think about. She didn’t “fall” again for years. Now, she is starting to fall, lose her balance, etc. The fake falls are different. Perhaps the biggest difference I noticed is she is afraid when she falls now...whereas with the fake fall, she wasn’t really afraid.

I live with my mom who will be 89 in a few weeks. I lived out of state for a 5 months last year And it wasn’t easy. She can’t hear and refuses to wear hearing aids she paid $5K for, so I never knew if she was sleeping through the phone ringing, if she did fall in the shower, or if she wasn’t with us anymore.

And as if that wasn’t enough stress, I’m constantly told “you never do anything around here...”

Right now, I’m relieved I never had children of my own. I have one now. I do wonder who will care for me when that time comes.
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cwinter May 2020
I'm in a similar boat w/ no kids, and from what I've read from some of the other participants, there are some pretty callous kids out there... so having kids is not a guarantee that you will be correctly looked after despite having birthed them. No easy solutions, but I think one can create support systems flying solo.
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