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That's a coincidence: for fourteen years my son has been reminding me that he plans to place me in an old people's home - the sooner the better, to listen to him.

You don't think your mother has repeated this at monthly intervals over a twenty year period more for the fun of getting a rise out of you than in the expectation you will agree to be her caregiver?
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mathisawesome Dec 2018
She thinks she can push/guilt me into it. She is huge on guilt trips. She has told me she will be raped in AL or NH. She wants everything her way.
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Don’t ever feel guilty or that you need to have a reason for not being able to tolerate caregiving. I could never have had my mother live with me either for much the same reasons.

Now, you know this going in. You are aware of your own limitations and needs. You know you don’t want to do it. If she is already requiring care or will be in the near future, make a plan. Involve family members. Get POA. Get her finances in order and research how to file for Medicaid if necessary. If she’s living in her own home, ask an attorney how to handle that process.

We support you and understand your not wanting to do this. So, we shouldn’t get a post in six months from you saying you caved in, Mom is living with you and you’re at your wits end and burned out. Do what you feel is right.
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You say your mother is in her mid seventies and pretty healthy.

So, why is this an issue for you at all?
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mathisawesome Dec 2018
Because she has been reminding me of my obligation to her care since I was in my mid 20's. I'm tired! She has brought it up every month for 20 some years. Tired of hearing about it, I have never made any promises to her about her care. I have told her on many occasions I would not move to her are and quit everything to care for her. She thinks she can push and get her way about everything. People usually give in just so she will stop. I think she has finally come to peace with my choice.
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Thank you, isthisrealyreal.
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Ronica Dec 2018
Until a week before my mom passed, she expected me to change my mind about taking care of her. My mom was very ill, on dialysis three times a week and in a wheelchair. She had a hired aide 6 days a week but only daytime hours. The rest of the time she managed alone. I have a full time job, family and a life. I have a brother but she never expected anything from him as he is a man. I made it very clear that I was not going to change my life and take care of her full time and have her live with me and my husband. I did what I could. I have no regrets, I knew that it would never work for me. Stay strong, know what your limits are. Don’t let anyone bully you into a situation that you would find untenable. Peace to all.
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I would never consider caring for my parents. They set the tone of our relationship and I am a grown woman that has a happy, loving home. I refuse to bring toxic people to live in my house and ruin my life.

I don't care what others think, they haven't walk in my shoes. If it bugs them they are welcome to take care of them, I won't.

I will make sure, to the best of my ability that they know the resources available to them and what choices they have based on their circumstances. It is more than they ever did for me.

I think it is great that there are people that can and want to care for their parents, they obviously had different dynamics then you or I did.

Don't worry what others think, you have to protect yourself from people that would devour you, even when their names are mom and dad.

Hugs and cheers for discovering this before.
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bettina Dec 2018
Well put. I think it's interesting that although my parents expected me to
be their slave, they both abandoned their own parents. One to their care of a
sibling who was exhausted, and the other in a NH, rarely called and visited
once or twice a year. They, however, made it clear they expected daily help
and constant attention. The weirdest thing is that I never thought about how they treated their own parents until I came here on this forum. Never
occurred to me how insanely hypocritical and exploitative this double standard was.
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