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Too funny, NeedHelp. LOL about the guy that lost his appetite. I would have kept on eating myself. Thanks for the funny story. I would have been very embarrassed too at twenty years old. Hope things are going well for DH and you.
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I can only tell you what a co-worker did with her mom when out in public and she would make comments.  My friend made up little index cards with an apology on it something like this "please accept our apologies for any comments made, my (insert father/mother) has dementia and sometimes makes remarks that they normally would not make".  I don't know if this would help or not.  It can be tough.  My father said one time to me.........you must have put weight on because those pants make you fat.  I said yes they do........but I knew he never would have said that to me had he not had dementia.  If it gets to be too much, limit where you go (of course now with the virus, shouldn't be out too much) and how many people you get around.  Now if its friends of yours just explain the situation and hopefully they will understand.  I would not wish this on anyone.  wishing you luck.
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Imho, no doubt it is the dementia talking. My own mother, who did not have dementia, got me in trouble with some of the nurses during one of her many hospital stays. I say I was the one who got in trouble because the nurse expected me to keep my mother in line when she talked about someone of a different culture/nationality. Mother would verbalize how that person was different. Sheesh - let me crawl in some corner. So embarrassing.
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Nazdrovia Jan 2021
That is very embarrassing alright. But it might have been helpful if this nurse had said something also to your mother. It should not have fallen entirely on you.
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My dream is to be a stand up comedian. I have loads of material from some of my crazy relatives that have said inappropriate comments in public!

I should have written it all down. I remember a great deal of it though.
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Why do you take him to places to be around people ?
While I don't know when these situations happen, if he is around others you know, tell them in advance what may (likely) happen and they can decide whether to be around him or not.

Take him to the park where there is a lot of space so whoever he points to / makes comments will not be noticed.
Read TEEPA SNOW's website to learn about different dementias and how different parts of the brains work or no longer work and how the behavior changes.

Yes, I believe this is brain chemistry changing and he may not be able to stop as parts of the brain that would normally work are no longer working.

He might have dementia + his values and judgments are coming out due to no brain filters. I wouldn't say a nasty old man.

In other words, he could have felt this way 'all his life' although he was able to [control] keep his thoughts / opinions / insults to himself [as he then knew better than to blurt these offensive behaviors out loud.]
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Yes-- folks with dementia are terribly confused and quite angry about it--- when this "happens"-- use dementia/ Alzheimer's Number One Tactic-- redirect-- ask him an Important Question and do it with a smile on your face-- because-- normally when folks say nasty stuff- they automatically forget the reason why they said it-- and worse confusion happens. Jesus said it best-- Forgive them they know NOT what they do... and there is also the other option-- when he says nasty things -- ignore them. BUT-- even better-- take him places where he will not see a soul-- lie for a walk in the forest with his favorite dog. You don't have a dog-- get one-- they will for a while help ground someone with dementia only because they look up with such loyal eyes and always are full of energy and love.
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I wonder, if your dad preaches religion, does he expect people to behave nicely and appropriately as your religion teaches? If your Dad is a Christian and made a nasty comment I would ask him if he thought Jesus would say those things. Would Jesus be cruel and behave unkindly to others? Would Jesus/God be pleased with him or unhappy with him. The same can apply to other religions. It might not work, but if he is just saying what he likes for reaction or because he’s an old man and he can and he is a true believer, then it just might work.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2021
Nice thought but I doubt it! People who preach about religion are often some of the nastiest people on the planet!

They are truly delusional! Once I told a woman who frequently complained about her adult children that they never went to church, that if I were one of her children I would certainly be agnostic and more than likely an atheist.

There are wonderfully loving and moral atheist people that are pleasant to be near and nasty ‘so called’ Christian people, like the woman I know that sadly, no one enjoys being near.

Why? Because she painted God out to be a big ‘bully’ in the sky. She would point her finger up to heaven and constantly tell her kids how God saw all of their actions and was going to punish them and they would go to hell.

Her kids never heard about God’s love, mercy or forgiveness. Such a shame that they grew up with fear and intimidation from her.

When they grew up, they resented their mom terribly and rarely speak to her because she is extremely negative.

I must admit that I barely speak to her as well because who in the world wants to be preached to constantly? Not me!

She needs to give it a rest! Speak about God’s love and mercy to encourage instead of only speaking about hell, fire and damnation.

Gets old quickly! So utterly counterproductive too!
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Wish I'd had a packet of those cards to hand people when I took FIL places.

He really was pretty racist (which, after the fact was pretty funny since we did DNA testing on DH's side of the family and there was about 10% of their genetic makeup from Africa--his ancestors had been slaveholders in VA for years. Not something we ever talked about, my kids are mortified)

ANYWAY--he finally stopped referring to anyone of color by the 'n' word and chose 'colored' instead which still made my toes curl.

The last stay in the hospital for him, he praised the 'little colored nurse' who cared for him. I got snarky and said "So what color IS she dad?" I guess I was just so tired of his bigotry.

I had such a hard time with this aspect of his otherwise sweet personality.
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Nazdrovia Jan 2021
Yeah my Dad says they're foreigners now, what makes me mad is his total inacceptance of different religions.
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Putting others down is low self esteem. It makes you feel better about yourself. A whole bunch of complimenting him might curtail focus of others.
On a more cynical side if he is truly us rational and can follow a conversation...you could ask him, "is that what Jesus would say?" Or, I thought you were a Christian?

Just saying.
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Nazdrovia Jan 2021
Have said that. Didn't go.well.😂😂
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Thankyou all for your wonderful insightful help and experiences and great advice.
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I don't think it is so much dementia (which I think people use as an excuse way too much) as it is the time period this person grew up in. Perfectly acceptable words from the 1930-1950s are no longer acceptable now.

I remember taking my father to my daughter's softball game well before his mind started to go. He would point at a little girl and say "what a fattie". I don't think he meant it as an insult but it was. I was mortified. And yes I stopped inviting him to games. His mother was the same way, she would point out 'defects' as she saw them in others...and she was trying to be mean.
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Nazdrovia Jan 2021
Yep that's my father all over.
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Sounds like dementia.y dad would carry a bag of life savers and walk up to strangers and tell them their breath stunk. Lol. He almost got beat up a few times. He had advanced dementia.
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"Nazdrovia,"

Prior to the pandemic, I attended several support groups through the Alzheimer's Association. They passed out a card which I laminated that had their logo at the top and said: "My loved one has Alzheimer's disease (memory loss) and is sometimes confused. Thank you for your patience and understanding."

Most of the time I used it whenever we went to restaurants and doctor's offices. I would hand it to the wait staff when they approached the table and when I walked up to a receptionist's desk. That way it helped from having to explain things over and over and there was no awkwardness for either them or myself and not a word had to be exchanged in front of my mom.

Although it wouldn't help in circumstances that are spontaneous, it might be helpful in the situations I mentioned above. I'm sure it's so embarrassing for you. I just worry about one day something being said to the wrong kind of person and creating a scene.

The only thing I can think of is to have a doctor prescribe a medication (if he isn't already on one) to calm him down. I know when my mom was in rehab for three weeks after being in the hospital with COVID she was transferred to a new facility in their MC wing. She was combative and the staff told hospice and hospice let me know. I agreed to have her put on a low dose of an anti- anxiety/depression medication as long as she wouldn't be in la la land. Never had that type of problem again and she just gets it before bedtime. It helps her sleep much better and therefore her mood is better. She still has good days and bad days but not like when she arrived in May.

I hope you can find something to help for both your sakes and everyone else's!
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