Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
The sad part is she will die one day thinking I didn't do enough. If they think it, to them it is real.
Someone on my FB posted that their mother passed away, and so many lovely comments were offered about this woman. With MY mother, maybe a few people will offer condolences for my 'loss', but I don't expect to hear any stories about how wonderful, kind, generous, funny, or lovely she was.
Doing something different is very, very hard and unpleasant. I am also facing my old issues with Mom, all of the above. I try different things. Some days I am so disgusted and angry I wish she were dead already and I also don't care if I ever see her again. Other days, when she is not so mean, I feel my love for her and hope she can enjoy whatever days she has left, but heck, I am still having to always fight for the right to own my own life. Many times I try to imagine her gone and what it will be like to be free of this person. Then I vow to make the day mine, no matter what. I am not going to wait for her passing so that I can live my life. I am there if needed, doing my best to enjoy every day, and licking my wounds when needed. It's difficult to feel so damaged every single day by someone. UGH. But finding part of your day: that YOU claim and do for yourself is very important in us detaching enough to be more mentally healthy ourselves.
I cant care for her and be abused like this she is getting worse i need that cleaning lady to come in as ONE shes honest which is hard to find last cleaning lady stole mums jewellery,money etc? she is a good cleaner?
I am just sitting here waiting for doc to return my call and district nurse is on holiday for 2wks?
I am staying with a friend and have the left the house like a pigstye if mum thinks she dosnt need help then lets just see who is going to clean up?
My doc says alot of this is abuse and not all down to dementia she thinks mum should now be seen by a shrink? shrink thinks mums fine?
I am just about to explode here and wish i could just walk out now pack my bags and go. Rang supportive brother last night and he said yes leave when you can then mum will have to face up to the fact that she cannot live alone?
I feel nothing but anger towards her now as her abuse is just getting too much for me to handle and i handle it the only way i know how? walk out and stay with a friend. I come in wash cook her dinner and put it in the microwave so she cant say anything them text my brother and leave my brothers wife is on his case as she dosnt like to be alone?????????
I dont know how im still here breathing smoked enough fags to kill off an ape i just cant continue like this?
Mum will not get POA and i know her shrink will say well get out for your own sake?
Its my birthday next week 49 so ill be here five years the social welfare sent me a letter asking me what am i doing to find work??? if i dont respond they will cut my welfare? looking after mum is not work? i have applied for carers alowance but was turned down as mum is "MOBILE" diabetic with dementia but as long as she can walk i get nothing SO SWelfare see me as an unemployed BUM and now i have to prove im looking for work?
Yep today is a good day! maybe tomorrow ill win the lotto and laugh about all this stress!
Mum got my dads pension backdated which is 100$ extra for her a week AND she fired the cleaning lady as she cant afford 30$ to pay her?
I have no food and no money as mum will not give me money to buy food i spent my money yesterday on gas and electricity so have nothing left?
I am so lucky to have 2 very good friends she will loan me money until next week but sometimes id rather die from starvation than ask?
Caregiving sucks!
Feel a bit less stressed but sectioned is a shock?
So sad to think if only shed let me take her meds and accept outside help i could care for her BUT now as the nurse said you have to think of whats right for her.
God help me i know it will be hell getting to go into a hospital AND theres only one here for 60miles everyone knows its the "mental hospital" and mum will not go willingly so yes may have to be sectioned.
Here, people talk about their experiences of being admitted to hospital, in some cases using powers provided by the Mental Health Act 1983, or “being sectioned”. To be sectioned, three people (an Approved Mental Health Professional (AMHP) or nearest relative and two doctors) must agree that the person is suffering from a mental disorder and needs to be detained for assessment or treatment, either for their own safety or the safety of others. Under section 2 of the Act, someone can be detained for up to 28 days for assessment; under section 3 a person can be detained for up to 6 months for treatment; section 4 is used in emergency situations for assessment over a period of 72 hours. Most hospital patients, however, have agreed to go into hospital and have not been sectioned under the Mental Health Act; they are known as informal or voluntary patients.
Read more: http://healthtalkonline.org/peoples-experiences/mental-health/mental-health-ethnic-minority-experiences/being-sectioned-under-mental-health-act#ixzz3CGvWmiMy
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Calm is much better for her overall state. So what if it's more meds. I say bring them! Mom is also in a rehab location for now, which is a transitional time between hospital and whatever your next placement needs to be.
Step down and let the professionals step in. Once the professional psychs get her in a hospital environment, her real self will come out in neon. I also had this terrible anxiety that they would send my mom back and we'd be no better off than before. Mom was not able to put her act on long enough to get away with anything. Her alternate reality came through, plus her paranoia, her anger, her distorted reasoning, her inability to perform tasks of daily living. She was around people who had seen it all before and knew how to deal with dementia patients used to fooling everyone.
Use this time to repair your own life, heal, and get back into your groove. You can also use this time to make changes at your mom's house while she isn't there. If there is something like rehab your mom could do for a while, it buys you even more time to get it together.
One thing must now be true - you absolutely must not return to the way it was before. Social services MUST come up with a plan for her care that does not involve you. Make it very clear you are not able or willing to do it. Say it put you into mental crisis. Get your own doctor to write a note. Whatever it takes.
We're here rooting for you all the way.
I called my mom to let her know my 16 year old passed his driving permit test today and can no officially drive a car--with a 21 year old with a license of course. I thought she would be excited for him. Nah, she just said, he did? "I guess you will be teaching him driving" um yes, mom, don't get excited. I know what is going through her head, she is wanting to say, "at least he can drive and get out"...uugh! She just didn't say it, but I could hear it in her head. That will come. I read something today that someone wrote on a feed that my daughter knows and this guy was talking about his dad, and how his dad died at 41 because all he did was feel sorry for himself and was miserable and said he would die at 40. This guy lived his life to just die. That is what is slowly happening to our mom and some dads. My mom has said many times she won't see 70. Who knows, but sometimes I hope she is right. I know, shame on me. I feel so bad for feeling that way. I am also trying to live my life now the way I want, but it is so hard sometimes when she is on my shoulder whispering guilt in my ear. I, too, sit and wonder what it would be like without the dread and despair of her in my life.
Kaazza: When or if you chose to let all this happen, please be aware that the guilt you feel now will triple and the pit of dread will become so large you will fee swallowed up in a big black hole unknown to men. With that said, it WILL be ok. Before they knew what was wrong with my mom, before she was diagnosed with dementia, my mom too was put in a mental rehab center to try to get her anxiety under control. We had NEVER experienced this with anyone in our family and it was taboo to mention such things. It is really hard for me to write about because NONE of the family members know about this! I was embarrassed, my mom was embarrassed and I felt like I had taken my dog to the pound. It is such an immeasurable guilt. I felt so sorry for her and I couldn't visit or talk to her for a week. It was the best thing, but was it. They couldn't and didn't get anything under control. After that, she was diagnosed with the Frontal Lobe Dementia. The medications didn't work that well, except for some anxiety. I am thinking of you as you take this long path to figure it all out. Do what is best for you and your family. I will tell you, I don't think I would ever do it again if I had it to do over, but everyone is different. I am definitely NOT telling you NOT to do it, I am only telling you my experience and want you to be prepared for the feelings that will arise. Good luck to you!
Yes guys ive not eaten today have a lump in my stomach the guilt is enourmous BUT i have to be prepared as this cannot go on like this it breaks my heart to see mum living like shes a down and out? I dont have a problem washing her caring for her like i thought caring was but when someone is getting aggressive when youre trying to help something is not right?
I am so drained and was freezing earlier probably shock kicking in? i cant go on like this not knowing what shes going to do next? Nurse said she is definetly a threat to herself with her meds so she assured me its for her own good and welfare.
And yes youre both right i couldnt be there to see her sectioned it would destroy me. I pray god takes her before this happens im sorry but thats how i feel right now because mum will not go willingly. Gosh if they could give her something to calm her down i would be so happy and alot less stressed? I cant stop crying and think im about to wake up from a nightmare but i need to toughen up if it comes to this and she gets the help she needs then i will have to go along with this.
What some people dont understand sometimes is keeping them from an NH could kill them quicker if mum dosnt get help now my worst fear is something happens and im NOT here to me that would be the worst to handle that she died alone here i cant live thinking like this and would feel better that shes somewhere shes being looked after. The nh she would go into has a fantastic reputation and is 15mins walk from this house?
Anyway drained and hope i just hit the pillow hard tonight i just pray i dont have nightmares? I am glad my sister is here next week i cant do this alone!
Dosnt matter what we witness with this illness everytime something just throws you like this is happening to someone else and your looking in?
Anyway im so glad im on here and others understand, right now my head is "mush" my biggest nightmare was mum going into a NH but this is worse? Ok break a hip then transfer to NH but this OMG! Tough times ahead but at least things are moving? faster than i thought but something is happening towards a solution!
Hugs to all
One thing I had to make myself do was to stop projecting myself into mom's body or position. Stop imagining what she's feeling or feeling as if it was happening to me. That is a road to crazy there. Don't torture yourself with that stuff because it may not be true and it feeds the guilt. Doing that will kill your objectivity and ability to take action.
I learned a trick from a therapist to control anxiety - stop going off into the disaster movie in your mind that isn't really happening. When those thoughts come in, stop, name 5 things you see in front of you. 5 things you hear, 5 things you smell, hear, and can feel with your body. Do this exercise as many times as it takes to calm down. Repeat the same things if you need to. It really does work with practice.
Going into care truly is not the worst thing that could happen. These things have been built up into intimidating steps, and they don't need to be. I promise.
A lot of the stigma or hesitation comes from ancient medical practices nobody has done in 50+ years and movies. My mom deprived herself of psychiatric help her whole life out of fear of ice baths & shock treatments. So unnecessary.
We honor our loved ones by getting them the care and interventions they need.
I guess I had already seen the alternative that was so much worse than going into a nursing home or psych ward - living like a wild animal in a filthy, disgusting, disrepaired house. Surrounded by rotten food, rusty water, piles of used adult diapers, and darkness getting weirder and meaner by the day. Rotting teeth, rotting house, rotting mind. It looked like the set of a horror movie.
None of the treatments mom has received have hurt her. Being subdued the day she had her big tantrum probably hurt, but the doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, and other people didn't do anything to hurt her. She was restrained and objected to that, but that was to keep her from hurting the staff when she was out of her mind. I never worried about her suffering in there. She had suffered plenty outside the hospital.
The road to repair and any kind of recovery was through institutions with doctors, nurses, caregivers, and specialists.
It's not easy, but try to let go of guilt. We all really need that energy for other things.
Am drained now been up with her for 3hrs waiting to see her doc but couldnt handle her shit abusing me in front of loads of people and using curse words? anyway i now have to get her doc on phone and hound the shrink i cant take much more and do not want her out until they calm her moods. Soooooooooooo tired but my head is wired! IF she does need to be sectioned isnt this the time to do it? AnE was packed so i reckon they will send her home tomorrow once her bloods stabilise UNTIL it happens again? Got a very snappy nurse so i had to pull her aside and tell her to drop her attitude that i was close to collapsing myself BUT god only knows what mums being saying to them about me.
Anyway things are moving so please god i can get her help now even something to calm her. Sick with dread that she will be back home here tomorrow so i better make the most of my night off?
I cannot do this anymore my friend said you look ILL. my face is white and i have big dark circles under my eyes i just pray i can sleep!
Thanks guys for just being here i dont know what id do as family just dont get how stressing this is on me.
Kaz, hope you're getting a little rest, and although what happened w/your mother was frightening and upsetting, maybe now things have turned to the point where others can finally step in.
Sandwich, how are things going with you? I love the advice to list things that you notice with the 5 senses, right HERE, right NOW, to stop our mind and moods from spinning the way they do. I will definitely try that.
Jewel and Juddhabuddha, how did your week go?
Mine was QUIET. I guess I didn't post, but last Saturday (haha, as I was walking into my therapist's office!), I got a text from my mother's home care person, asking me if I could call my mother's cell phone, because she misplaced it. Turns out she also misplaced her keys. Her neighbor of course, got SO upset, and so I dealt throughout the day with texts, emails, and phone calls. Here are the facts: 1) my mother never uses her cell phone, it's never turned on, so calling it won't help her find it. 2) my mother only needs her housekey now, so whatever other keys are on her keyring isn't an issue. 3) this neighbor HAS a key to my mother's house, and there is a hardware store literally less than a mile away, so I don't understand the hysteria, when all she needed to do was make a copy and give it to my mother. As is our pattern, I had to listen to her (in her frantic, drank way too-much-Starbucks voice) give me a blow by blow account of the "HOURS" spent combing through my mother's house to try to find the keys. She also thought it would be productive to as my mother to review all of her actions from the previous 24 hours, in an attempt to locate the keys. What part of "memory loss" does she not understand????
Anyway, I calmed her down, requested that she get a copy of the key made, and give it to my mother. And I thanked her profusely for all of her help, and tried to comfort her by reminding her that this was NOT an emergency, just a very temporary inconvenience, easily remedied.
I'm actually very grateful that she DID have a spare key, because if she didn't, I'd have to drive 6 hours round trip to resolve it. And, I'd break my new record of no contact w/my mother, which is now at 5 weeks and counting :). I thought maybe by now I wouldn't be keeping track, but guess I'm not quite there yet.
This week I just handled her termite inspection appt., mail, bills, and doctor's appt. I faxed a letter to new primary doc to give him all the background, so hopefully he'll have a good understanding of things when he sees her next week.
Take care everyone, find a few peaceful moments if you can :)
Tried to sleep but cant my friend will come up so we may party? I feel like a teenager whose mum and dad have left the house and i can invite all my friends round! Yes i need a glass of wine! Christian sister rang?????? do you see why i need a drink? when has she ever phoned re mum? maybe hoping the worst and thinks now shes going to come along and be supportive? I dont think so sis its way too late to start that sh*t now!
Hugs to all and have a restful peaceful wkend!
I wish you strength and clarity to get mom into the right place to live. This stress will kill you if it goes on. Your mother will outlive you. Something has got to change so you can rest. It's a trap. You have to think clearly to make changes. You can't get enough rest to think clearly until something changes. This is a tough spot to be in.
Having your mom sectioned is the thing that will be the tipping point. Steel yourself to be ready that day, and make it soon. Yes, she will fight back and not understand. She will probably kick, swear, spit, swing her fists, and who knows what else. Just remember this is NOT your real mom. This is Dementia behaving this way. This will take an ability to emotionally detach. You must NOT allow yourself to get sucked into the drama and be overwhelmed. Once they get her into the hospital, it will be OK. They will get her calmed down and then the specialists can do their jobs.
I absolutely FORBID you from obsessing about how she's doing in there.
Here are your marching orders:
Go get your hair done. Get a massage or pedicure. Do something physically beneficial for YOU immediately after.
This is what I do: take a hot shower as long as I want, have a shot of whiskey (or 2), and then sleep until I wake up. I might substitute a margarita once in a while.
Eat a good meal - whatever you want or haven't been able to have in a long time. Don't rush through it. Chew and taste the food.
Go on a walk. Be outside if you can. A little exercise & fresh air can do wonders.
See a movie, read a book, buy some new socks for winter.
Do things that are restorative to your body, mind, and soul.
It's all going to be OK.
Kazzaa see if you can get your hands on the "Home From Hospital" team or whatever they're calling them nowadays. If your mum made it through A&E and was admitted to a ward there's no way they're getting shot of her without a formal care plan. N.b. this might not apply if she's admitted to AAU (adult ambulatory unit, it's like an observation ward) so find out soon as you can what they've done with her. Are you in ROI or up North, btw? - I know the systems are broadly similar but the names might be different.
Do this before you get sloshed! Big hug, hope your mum is well taken care of meanwhile xxx
Im ok just getting over the shock of all this BUT i feel nothing now just numb i usually hug and tell mum i love her when i leave her in the hospital but i forgot? i left there in a mist? didnt really know how i got home?
tried to sleep but i know i cant so will have a drink with my friend shes such a good friend she said in all that youve been through i hated you because you always look good but now i have to tell you you look ill so yes its time for me to hang up my rubber gloves!! I gave this all i got and then some i am now genuinely worried about my health chest pains are becoming too frequent for my liking so yes its time for the docs now to step in.
Today is friday so by the time i got a chance mums GP is on holidays and i have to track down her shrink? Next wk! i will hopefully have a chance to speak to a doc tomorrow at the hospital and get some solution her coming home here with her black moods is not going to change anything. I want then to know shes NOW a danger to herself! mum was only diagnosed last year so much decline in one year but i know shes had this a good few years maybe even 10 i relate every change in her back to her brother dying thats when i can start to see when she really started to go downhill yes i think it was depression then the hoarding started then, then the clutter, then last 2years her hygiene so no dementia just creeps up slowly what an awful awful illness!
I just had my younger sister from paris on BOY is she hard work and a bit of a bimbo? she said "so why did she collapse?" so why dosnt she do what shes told then?" "well she needs to eat better!" Oh please i had to get her off the phone! Go google dementia join a forum and stop asking stupid questions! My elder sister just kept saying its awful? and what would she know? now that its crunch time i cant handle my siblings?? i waited so long for support now i think h*ll ive done this all on my own stuff them ill do everything on my own it will be less stressful honestly!
My brother who has always been supportive said "i read that if you are jolly and pleasant all the time around them they are too". Oh please? i am a very jolly person but hey when youre been abused for not having dinner ready in 0.2 seconds OR she goes mad when i go out im kinda not so jolly?? Yep these siblings read and think they know it all? come home give up your life and look after your mum if you care that much? Yes today was a good day i got to "snap" at all my siblings and this time they couldnt answer back!