Is it normal she's so negative?

Thanks CM no shes still in AnE so yes there will have to be someone to talk to tomorrow but so busy in there my problem probably seems like nothing to other emergencies!
Mum asked me about Joan Rivers? I lied said i knew nothing? she said "well shes dead" she was a bit tearful! yes me too when i heard i loved Joan Rivers she had it tough! R.I.P Joan! I heard she went peacefully and was still cracking jokes right up until the last few minutes GO JOAN! oh just so sad! What a funny woman!!!

CM i havnt been able to get sloshed since my 21st!!! but yes 3 glasses of wine and im done now sometimes i think i only drink as an excuse to eat "chips" as the americans call them! Yep chips with salsa and sour cream and chives!

What a mad few days and this is going to get worse? Isnt it amazing just how strong you do become this time last year if mum collapsed id be a basket case BUT i was quite calm and powerful didnt panic just told brother to sort it this time! Of course it breaks your heart i have dry eyes now you get to a point when you cant cry anymore!
anywhoo bath time and some quality "cat time" poor little thing has been neglected knows somethings up even went sniffing the house for mum he always does that!

Hugs all and remember "what dosnt kill you makes you stronger"!!

Sandwich I love the 5 senses to shut off the mind as well. I wrote them down and have already tried it once and it helped.

Kazza so sorry to hear what you are going through. Hugs

Kazzaa-- you have been through too much! I hope you are able to get your mum somewhat stabilized so you can have a life. You have received such great advice in this forum, but I know it is so hard to do sometimes. I can hardly believe you have done what you have done. It just has to be time for you now. I have been so busy starting up school (I am a principal),and taking care of my mom that I haven't written but I am reading everything you are all writing. I am so grateful for everyone's. Thoughts and advice to one another. I am so tired. But, I officially announced that this is my last year and that I will retire in July so I am pretty excited about that! Hey--my mom has some severe tendonitis--anyone have any suggestions? She has it in her leg and it makes walking very difficult. Thanks all--

Wow, a lot has went on this week. I have been busy planning a small trip with my family to see Joel Osteen. By the way, it was very relaxing and uplifting. Too bad I can't follow him around and keep the uplifted spirit. It was a great weekend with my family and so sad today it has to end. Yes, I have to go to my dreaded mother's and listen to her about how I get to go out and how bad her life is. Even Joel Osteen tells us to stop the negativity. My only way to stop hearing it and getting it from her is to walk away. How easy that sounds. I wish I could. I pray all the time for it, I don't think that is what God is wanting from me right now. Hopefully in His time, I will be able to. Joel also brought up something I wanted to share with all of you. He stated that we are where we are supposed to be right now and we may be in a storm (are we ever..ha) He says that God promises that the storm will blow us to a better place and the storm is for a reason. Maybe there is something we are learning and when the storm is over, we will be paid double for what we have been through. I am hanging on to that girls! I will tell you I am a person of faith and I do believe soon this will be over. He also brought up about how we may have felt "dropped"by someone or something (meaning that we may have an illness that wasn't our fault, we may have been mistreated-that wasn't our fault, we may be in that storm--that wasn't our fault)--this is when we will be paid double for what we have been through. Find where it is written, and He will show us the way.

It was a very powerful night, and I am praying for all of you to get through this storm we are in and I can see the beach on the other side with sunshine and peace.

Now, to call my mom and do what I am supposed to do for right now. Love and hugs to all.

Back from H**l.. The day started off pretty good, telling stories and she even asked how my trip was. I told her about it and she told me some stories of Joel Osteen she remembered from TV. Did her hair, went to the porch and another resident joined us. We laughed, told more stories--well listened to hers, but I didn't mind as long as it was a pleasant visit. I didn't even realize I had been there for 3 hours. When they come to get dinner orders, I was shocked it was 5. She even said, you need to go don't you? I said, yes, I didn't realize what time it was. We walked back to her room and behind closed doors there it started.-- I hate it here, I wish I could get out of here, what if you had to live here. Doesn't it bother you that you leave me here--well, I looked at her and asked her why she liked to hurt me like that. I said to her, why do you do me this way every single time I come. We had a nice visit and you had to go ruin it. Yes!! I DID! She put her head in her hand and just shook her head. I told her I could Not fix it and I was sorry. When I opened the door to leave, she said, "doesn't it hurt you that I am here". I just said, I gotta go and I left. Shew. She puts the knife in and twist it a little more every time. I get in the car and tell myself all the way home, Stop trying to fix it. Wow, when will it end? I told her she could buy her mom's house she would only have to pay 2/3 and she throws a fit. Isn't there other houses here besides hers. I told her NOT for the price you will pay. It is a really nice home and my grandfather built every inch of it. It would be so great for her to have. It is in great condition and so many people are already trying to buy it. We are holding out for her, but I know I cannot be there enough to take care of her. I am just trying to find a way to make her feel better. I know it is NOT going to happen. Please tell me WHY I keep doing this to myself. Why does she keep dishing out the guilt?

Going to eat with my husband and try to relax. Thanks for listening and let's all pray for Kazzaa as she goes through this terrible time.

Oh Jewel, I'm so sorry. What a sad ending to the day - somehow it's even worse when it's all going beautifully and then wham!

You know, I think you keep coming up with these "other options" for her for one good reason, which is that it proves you're listening, it proves that you're still thinking about how to help her get what she would like. You know and we know and probably, somewhere in there, your mother knows that it's not realistic; but it's one thing to be realistic and another just to say or think "ah, forget it." You're not dismissing her, and that matters.

She keeps chucking all this at you, you know, because you're there. And that's ALL. I doubt if, rationally speaking, she even truly believes that you are responsible - after all, where was she when the decision-making about her life had to be done? But whether or not she thinks that far, she hurls out the guilt because it relieves her. Blaming someone else (I know, I am a bad person) may be unfair but my goodness it can feel good.

She shouldn't do that. It's not nice, it's not fair, and most of all it's not TRUE. That last bit is the bit you have to remember. Have you tried enthusiastically agreeing with her? Buying a mock big bunch of keys and rattling them at her going "heh-heh-heh"? What she's saying to you is silly. Maybe a bit of gentle teasing would get her to see that?

My mother has started doing this thing where she just looks at me and goes tearful. No noise or words, just a wobbly chin and welling up. The game is "guess what you've upset me about now." I've known five year olds with a more mature negotiating stance and this drives me up the wall. Which she knows. Which I'm sure is why she does it…

Aaaaarrrrggghhh, scream, gnash! - maybe that's it. They want the reaction, which is another form of attention.

They need our attention. Up to us to try to jolly them into a better kind of attention. Which you did, all day long. And then she got bored with that and started in on you, I know. Back to Square One?

I'm rubbish at praying but I'll do my best. Have a peaceful evening, everyone - Kazzaa any news?

Hi Jeweltone. A friend of mine has a mom who treats him very well in front of others when they are out. Then when he returns her to her place in an assisted living facility, and every single time, she weeps and carries on something awful. It is like she forgets she had a good time and is shocked every single time she returns to her place. It is a pretty nice place and when he catches her unaware, she seems to, at least sometimes, be having an okay time with the other residents. I am glad you spoke to your mom about how she treats you. I think she understands and has enough brain power to know what she is saying. I wonder what would happen if you asked her not to say anything hurtful next time. I know she hates it there, but what other options are there where you are not fully responsible? I feel so badly for you. You are trying so hard. We have to have a sense of separate identities from our mothers but with some mothers who raised us to focus on their every need, it is very difficult. I think you are doing well, but I know you are hurting. I am glad you are able to try and focus on your family when you leave--they need you and you need them! I hope things become easier for you soon. In my life, things may be heating up. My mom's leg gives her so much pain with this tendinitis and I don't know what else to do to help her. She calls on and off all day-some of it is very pleasant and appreciative; other times it is not. I sometimes think she should be in an AL but after I read your entries, I think it would all be worse. School starts tomorrow for kids--we were delayed due to construction--and I am always on edge wondering if I will get an emergency call and the. Have to figure outwit to do about work, I find that SO STRESSFUL. So glad I have just one more year and the. At least I don't have to worry about not getting to my job. On and on and on... P.S. I liked your entry about Joel Osteen. I shall look that up. I hope you and all my forum friends have a decent night. Still worried about Kazzaa...

Kazza, good thoughts and hugs"!!!!

It sounds as if you continue to relate to your mom as you have done in the past. What kind of dementia was she diagnosed with? If it is Alzheimer's, this is a devastating disease and really changes a person. How is her hearing? I know with my mom, first it was her hearing that started to narrow her interests, her world. The Alzheimer's finished and continues to finish the job of her not being capable of handling anything more complicated than getting in and out of a car or eating what has been prepared for her. Getting her own needs met is now her main concern (and the majority of those "needs" are imagined or having to do with her parents who have long since passed away). So, maybe you can try to realize the person you know as "mom" really isn't your mom anymore and instead of reacting to her insults, maybe just forgive her. She may not have the capability of understanding what effect her doom and gloom has and my guess is she doesn't remember any of the "heart to heart" talks you two have had, even though you may believe you made some real progress in one of those sessions. It's all a brand new day for her. Took me awhile to realize this and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it except to adjust my own perception. Mom just doesn't know much of anything now. I hope this may help a little....just an observation and I'm sure there are many factors and considerations...it's just that you are the only one you can really do anything about.

Kaz, any update on your mother?
Jewel, sorry the visit ended on a downer note -- your mom just had to get her equilibrium back at your expense, huh...
CM, how is your mother doing? I saw on another thread that she had a fall?
Njny -- have a great first day at school!
Yesterday, I got a little unwanted jolt, when my mother called twice within a few hours. I didn't pick up the phone either time, and she didn't leave any messages. It didn't 'ruin' my day exactly, but it definitely felt like an intrusion. I've accepted that I will do the necessary things to keep her as safe and cared for as possible, but I will not indulge her anymore. So, I'm 'staying the course' on no contact. Any contact from her should include nothing more than a 'thank you' to me for ordering her 3 pairs of new shoes a few weeks ago (which was never acknowledged). She is probably obsessing on something (most likely her insurance, which she's been told umpteenth times by several people that it's ALL taken care of). She calls because she wants me to do her bidding in some way, to pull me into her phony melodrama, or maybe to ask me a question, which if I answer, and she will not remember, understand, or like the answer, so I'll end up going round and round, trying to soothe, appease, and resolve--always unsuccessfully. And of course, there will always be a little barb tossed at me, having to do with how disappointing I am compared to others' children, or how I'm only interested in her money. Why do parents think that their child's sense of obligation and guilt is an infinite resource they will be able to draw upon their entire lives? It's not for me. That well is dry!
I had the usual angry dreams that I get after dealing with her, but it's been 15 hours since I got the first phone call yesterday, and for me, 15 hours is a new record for recovery :).
Hoping you all have a great week. Fight the power! Lol :)

Hi guys! well day 5 and still cant get hold of a doc up there? shes still in hospital was dehydrated bloods up and down? the nurse is giving her anti-clot injections? maybe routine OR something showed up in scan? dont know anything? nurses will not tell you anything went up this morning to try and CATCH the doc no joy she had done her rounds? anyway i am sure we will get to talk to the doc before shes discharged maybe tomorrow but like i said dont know anything?
She is still refusing to let me give her the meds SO my sister is here this weekend and shes going to talk to her about a home if she dosnt behave? well good luck with that sis!!!!!!!!! Im not having much of a break and going up in the mornings and brother is going in the evenings. Shes in a med assessment unit so no tv and quite boring for her so i know its important to have visitors! Oh shes perky as hell and all over me? loving the attention!! Once her bloods are ok her mood is upbeat but as we all know when she comes home the shit and bad aggressive moods will be the norm!
I am so tired and cant even sleep? An ex boyfriend was in the hospital i had to dive into the toilets so he wouldnt see me! LOL i look like ive been pulled through a hedge was up there in my joggings hair not even washed? I have to start to make an effort to glam up a bit this isnt me? Oh and mum is washing and been very clean up there? make you laugh!! SO sweet to the nurses! I think though after a few days they are starting to see the dementia as shes wandering around so they keep after her!
Oh and my elder sister its come out,that she sent mum a letter pretty nasty saying what a bad mum she was etc.......i will kill her it was sent a few months ago so now i can see why mum was so angry i dont know why she didnt tell me but now i know what a "b*tch". You do this when someone has this illness its a cruel thing to do she will never see mum again and we all agree on that! Mum with all her faults was a good caring mum and as my sister was a very talented artist mum spent more money on her when we were young with expensive paints etc.... what an absolute bitch! I told mum not to think about it as shes not right in the head? so this is her christian WAY? I havnt seen the letter but other sis in paris knew all about it and never told me? guess didnt want to start a huge row? therell be no row but my sister will be so sorry when mum goes. We had this out with my sis after dads funeral and we screamed at her as she was threatening to come to visit mum as she had "unresolved issues" with her? I told her its too late for that now and youre talking crap its all in your head. sister was ALWAYS a drama queen she shouldve been an actress! they say very creative people are this way i dont know but she must be a bit nutty to have the nerve to send an old lady with dementia this letter? im just drained from family..........SIL who we have nothing to do with visited mum in hospital and brought her two boxes of cakes???????? oh so done with them. Told nurse not to let SIL in as i dont trust her?
Ok im going to try and switch off now although i feel like taking a bus to my sisters and punching her in the face but hey she will have to live with this forever. OMG she should be here spending what little time mum has left with her? anyway im not going to do anything im too tired. She will never see mum again thats for sure and mum dosnt want to see her so good. Poor mum she didnt deserve a letter like that what a cruel horrible thing to do.
I just wish mum was this way all the time then i could look after her but shes in a good mood getting lots of attention up there but once she comes home its all going to start over again.

I am putting her name down for a NH next week could take six months but as mum s house is worth alot ill BET they will get her in sooner!! you see its a fair deal system here they take a percentage of the house when its sold so you get my drift its all about money BUT its an excellent NH and just fifteen minutes from this house!
Hope everyone is well havnt time to read posts got a dvd and a nice salad so going to try and CHILL! yep the calm before the storm!
Glad if youre reading this..........hope youre ok and house is being sorted i think of you and say "things could be worse" so i shoudnt complain!!!!!! LOL

Kazzaa take deep breaths. Nothing will happen for the next few days, let alone the next couple of hours, so take a little time to yourself and do things that will specifically help you relax. Go for a swim or a walk with a friend, eat a good dinner, get an early night. Your mum's in good hands, so take full advantage of it. (I know what you mean about them turning into sweet little old angels in front of the nursing staff - "your mother is soooooo lovely..!" And then you sound like Queen Grouch if you demur! Humph.)

Looloo, thank you for asking - sigh. Mother is a nightmare. No bones broken, more by luck than judgement, but she's very sore and unfortunately, of course, my reserves of sympathy are at an all-time low. I am not actually standing hands on hips saying "Serves you right!" but… it serves her right! For today she is being as good as gold and pressing her alarm before she needs to get up, which is what I have been pleading with her to do for the last 18 months. If she'd done that all along she wouldn't have had three major falls. There you go. That's the dementia - she won't agree that it's necessary for her to be supported, in spite of the copious evidence. But the only reason she's complying now is that she's too sore to get out of her chair by herself, even though it's a riser recliner - pushing on the arms or getting hold of her frame hurt her shoulder. I can't say long may it last, I'm not that harsh; but I do kind of hope it'll go on aching long enough for calling me to become a fixed habit.

She was talking utter baloney about needing to pick up the cat. Liz the lovely carer and I did a re-enactment (I played mother!) today because neither of us could figure out how on earth she'd ended up in the position I found her in. Picking up the cat, my eye. She must have been bending down to an electric socket to turn on her standard lamp, which is so streng verboten she didn't dare admit to it. And she was correct in thinking that if she had admitted that I would have gone completely batsh!t at her, because to get to this socket you have to stretch past a glass-fronted display cabinet and lean right down, and (I nearly pass out at the thought) she's *d*mn* lucky she didn't pull the whole thing down on top of herself.

Well. All is peace for the time being. I truly don't want my poor mother to live in pain and fear, but just for the next day or two I'm not sorry she can't get up on her own.

Jewel, my mom does that as well. We'll be having a nice time, say a family dinner with the grandkids there. And then after they leave and I'm doing a few things in the kitchen, she launches into it. Complete with the holding her head in her hands as we drive home, going "oh my God, oh my God". Ruins a nice outing every time. So now I put on my body armor and brace myself for the onslaught. Sad thing is that I'm so on edge, I can't fully enjoy a nice time like Saturday's drive because I'm waiting for it to start. One of the folks at her NH/rehab is leaving this week because he can now walk with a walker again. So she'll be absolutely nasty on Sunday because he can leave and she can't. The sad thing is I'd be much more likely to take her on short outings if I didn't get ripped up so often.

Kazzaa, everyone is right. Take some time to yourself, take really deep breaths and know your mom is in good hands. You are so much like me thinking there must be something we can do. Be reassured we have done everything possible. sometimes there isn't anything we can do and we must believe in ourselves.

Each of you are so right and this is why I come here to get the answers I can't even see in front of my face. I DO try to validate her feelings ALL the time. I always think of something I might could try. I so need to STOP that. I will say she is doing much better in AL than she has done in 3 years. It scares me a bit thinking she will return to her "real" nasty self and turn demon on me for spending her money to take care of her. Why do I worry, because she is scary...Haha. I am a 46 year old woman still afraid of my mom. Maybe I need AMA (afraid of mom anonymous) I am with you looloo, my mom called me today too and it is an intrusion. I know she is wanting something or wanting to remind me of something I said to her. I will tell you that when she calls and says what she said today it reminds me that she cannot live alone. Yesterday when I visited, I told her I was going to take one of her aleve. Today she called me looking for her aleve, she wanted to know what I did with it, that they have looked everywhere and cannot find it. Grant it my mom takes this everyday for pain--I had to remind her it was the generic name naproxen.(not sure of spelling) The bottle is the same bottle that has been there for weeks, but today she cannot find it and thinks I did something with it. So there, that should be enough when she tells me she wants to move into a nice little home and how depressed she is there. One other thing she stated yesterday that I have thought about today-she told me she is getting ready to have it out with one of the ladies, that they talk about her. She is always paranoid. I told her that lady wasn't worth the time. I agree the lady is a bit snotty and mean, but so is my mom.--but not much to others as she is to me. That is all I need is for them to call me telling me my mom needs to leave the building. Whew. I am not hanging on to that but it is always something with her. She also asked me what people did before they built "this" place. I said, nursing home. That was the only option. She gave me a look. Ha! we talked about a lady we know and she said I think she lives with one of her kids now. I said no she doesn't mom. She tried to argue that she did. She thinks she wants to live with me, but she would run our lives. The answer is NO! Thank goodness I only have a small house. I used to want a bigger one for my family, but now I am thankful it is still small. I would love more room for my kids and their friends, but I will take what I have to keep her out.--Never thought I would say that.

Linda--I have offered to take my mom out because she tells me she is cooped up and wants to go out. When I offer, she always has an excuse. Yesterday she started it again and I offered we go get ice cream. Her answer was, "they have ice cream here, why would I want to get ready to go get ice cream" ---the point IS to get OUT!! She just doesn't get it. I am afraid if we go out, taking her back would be worse. I so pray I do NOT do this to my children. They do not deserve it. Just like me, you are already worried about what she is going to say. You know, who cares what they say, I agree with CM, where were they when the decisions had to be made!? They were ill and incompetent.

Some things I learned with my mom:

=="I gotta have this, that, & the other thing. You have to bring me x, y, & z" and so on. I finally realized after a lot of trouble & heartache that this was the only way my mother knew how to continue a relationship or conversation. Literally the.only.way. She was not able to have a normal back & forth conversation with anyone about anything. I suddenly remembered back when I lived at home, we never talked about anything. It was only chore lists. Never ending lists of chores or groceries, or rants & raving. Her list of things could be very distracting because she was so adamant and insistent, but if I brought her the moon, it wasn't enough and a new list would be right there. It's not about the list or the things on it. You'll never finish the list so quit trying. It's about being unable to maintain connections. I told her that she doesn't need to have a constant list of demands for me to visit. (Especially when those demands are ridiculous or nonsensical.) I stopped "stepping & fetching". If she quizzed me on why I didn't bring one of the things, I just said the store was out or I couldn't find the one she wanted yet. Then she'd forget about it. There might be 45 minutes of kvetching, but eventually it would be gone.

==Breakdowns at the end of a visit. I think these happen because it's a transition from one thing to another. The brain can't handle it anymore and goes into distress. When we had my Asperger's son in therapy for this same problem, we would use timers & visual cues. The time would go off 15 minutes before the transition, then 10 minutes, then 5. Yes it was exhausting but it paid off. I don't think this would work with a dementia patient, but you could try. I had a special count-down clock that had a red piece that would get smaller & smaller the closer to the timer going off. It was a visual cue that time was passing.

We also had a visual reminder system. It was a strip of construction paper about 12 inches long, laminated. It had 6 velcro spots on it. Every morning I put 6 icons on it that represented the first part of the day. Eat, brush teeth, change clothes, put on shoes, wait, go to school. The "wait" icons were really important. This helped him understand that what we are doing now won't last forever, and there is something else next. At school they used icons for "stand in line", and their own activities there.

Another thing I was told to do with my son that might help more is explaining the transition and reassuring it will be OK during & after. "OK mom, we're leaving Sally's house and going back to your place now. I will drive because I know the way back. I'll get you back inside and everything will be just fine. You don't have to worry about anything. Just sit back and enjoy the scenery."

My mom would worry about the oddest details that you wouldn't think needed worrying over. Like me not knowing how to get there, or me not knowing how to operate the car. She did a lot of projection like that and would get worked up in a state that led to the old "why do you make me stay here, this is a h3ll hole, namecalling, berating, etc."

I started trying to time my visits so that some other thing would start up as I was leaving, like lunch or dinner, to distract her from the transition. It can't always be done though. I didn't always do the explain, reassure, remind thing.

Sometimes you might have to just accept that's going to happen, and just expect it so it doesn't ruin your good time. It's just a thing mom's going to do that we have to get through. She probably doesn't even know why she's upset and all you can do is say "OK mom" over & over. Put the shields like the USS Enterprise, and "make it so" Number One.

Jewel, my poor mother - the one I'm so horrible about, shame on me - is ninety, and she's still scared of her mother's disapproval. And her mother died in 1992.

Yesterday she looked at the calendar and said "oh, it's the 8th tomorrow!" I agreed that yes, it was. She said "my Mummy's birthday." I put my head on one side and didn't say anything - I wanted her to work this one out for herself. It took a few seconds for her to say "well I can't send her a card, can I?" and half-laugh but honestly? I think for a few moments there she thought she was in Big Trouble for forgetting the birthday.

Now actually my grandmother wasn't a particular stickler for cards and presents, that I remember. But there would have been that tired, impatient tone to her voice when she reminded my mother about something she'd got wrong. Wouldn't scare you or me, but here we are in 2014 and mother's still dreading its coming down the 'phone at her. It's so sad. And you DON'T WANT TO BE THERE after another half lifetime.

Taking to heart and living by the principle that Your Mother's Judgement Is Wrong - even if it's just on the one subject of "You" - can be a life-changer, but that doesn't mean it is easy. Oh, it's easy for everyone else to see. But believing it yourself? I understand it is possible to make that important change (I can't speak from experience, and I count my blessings there) but I know it is extremely hard to do. Worth finding out how to make a start, though, don't you think?

Kaaza, I just saw all your going through.. hope you are taking care of yourself!

sandwich, thanks - I agree about transitions and not letting it ruin a good time. I try to end day visits at a time when there's some activity, even if just dinner. I don't let it get me during family gatherings and just brace for the ride home. It's the times when we're alone that my gut gets a bit twitchy, knowing it's coming. So this Sunday, I'm going to try a new angle which is to refuse to be engaged into the ongoing convo about why things can't go back to the way they used to be. No more explaining her health needs, no more explaining "that was then but this is how we all are now". I'm going to "agree to disagree" and see if I can't stop this ongoing pain.

Linda22 - for the first 6 months of my mom's time in IL, then NH, my husband would take me out for a cleansing margarita on the way home from her visits. I am thick-headed, so it took me that long to figure out that I could teach a pig to tap-dance long before getting my mom to understand anything or be reasonable about anything either. And you know what they say about trying to teach a pig to tap-dance.

It helps me to go in there thinking "none of this is real life and none of this applies to me." She can say & do anything, and it doesn't cut me like it used to. Nothing she says has any bearing on what is real and true. I knew that all along in my logical brain, but it wasn't until I BELIEVED it did I walk out feeling mostly unaffected.

It was rare for me to leave a visit without being in tears, bothered for days & nights, mad, frustrated, angry, resentful, and 100 other disruptive things. It was so traumatic, and of course happens when work projects are acting stupid, my teenagers are acting stupid, and everything is falling on my head. Calgon take me away!

I will warn you that it feels weird NOT being angered, bothered, and all those negative things. I expected those feelings, so their absence is very strange. Peace, contentment, & acceptance DO NOT instantly fill the void. That was new info to me too. Walking out of there feeling nothing - like being numb - is better than being all emotionally cut up and bleeding, but I was expecting to feel some level of comfort. It didn't happen. It feels more like a novocaine shot that hasn't worn off yet.

I am still walking out of visits feeling like "that was surreal, and I really don't know what to think about it". And still wondering "why am I doing this?" "what difference does it make?". I have not yet gotten to the point where I can come away feeling totally OK yet, even though she is highly sedated and very very lamb-like. Hopefully OK is coming up next.....maybe someday content will happen. I have to get used to her new personality and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Good morning! I agree I need to do the same, just say, I know, ok mom. I do that from time to time and when she keeps going on, it is so hard not to take it as a personal attack, because that is how she means it. She knows how to hurt me, she knows I am very sensitive. I do think another thing that really bothers her is I have changed from the way she knew me 3 years ago. She knew me as this meek little girl that did EVERYTHING she said. When I started saying no or I will do that later, she has had a hard time accepting it.--just as I have with her illness. She has said so many times that I have changed and I am not the same person. Boy is she so right and I am so glad. I still have a long way to go, but at least I am able to stand up for myself at certain points.
Sandwich--When they had my mom sedated because she was so anxious and wouldn't eat, it was so nice to be able to sit in the other room and get some peace. I wish I could do that again. Ha! I have asked them to increase her anxiety meds but they say she is fine on what she is taking. She really is, I just want her to be out of it when I visit. Shame on me. Seeing her get better is NOT a good thing for me. I said it out loud, but it is just so true. When she was not so good, it was easier on me. I am being selfish to some, but if they lived in my shoes, they'd understand. As she became hydrated--love that, she became the same mean person I knew my whole life. When she was very ill and lying on her death bed, she was much more humble and forgiving. Is your mom doing worse?

The circle of life is a strange thing and it must come to all of us. I just hope my circle is more colorful and pleasant for my family. As I have went through all of this with my mom and my grandmother I will make sure that I have things in order so my family will not feel the guilt of their decision making. I do not have the money like my mom to care for myself, but I will make sure my kids get what we have and not a caregiving facility. They take care of you the same way, poor or rich. It really doesn't matter how they get paid as long as they are paid.

We all see the same stars at night. As I look at the stars tonight I will think of each of you and hope for a better tomorrow.

sandwich, your messages had so much insight. Jewel's and my mother sound like the same people. I listened to mine yesterday with new insight after reading what you wrote. You are so right. She has lost her ability to carry on a normal conversation. Her lists of chores to be done, symptoms, and complaints are her way of communicating. It still feels like I'm being poked with a stick, but this new way of thinking could make it easier to tolerate. It also gives me an idea of how to distract her from the negative. My mother enjoys talking about growing up and the early days courting my father. I've heard the stories a million times, but they approach normal conversation. Maybe I can distract her from the negativity by getting her to talk about the old days. (However, that could drive me crazy, too, since I know exactly what she will say... word for word... by now.)

JessieBelle--mine loves to talk about the way backs too. I enjoy hearing the stories better than the complaints. She does go back to those days often and then starts on how mean her parents were, then she starts on her complaining. It is almost like the book, "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie". I am looking forward to her forgetting me even though I have been told it probably won't happen. I need a magic spell.

Just tell yourself before you go in, "Shields Up!"

Emotional Detachment is a critical coping skill during these very bizarre times. It's not mean. It's about self-protection. It is not the same thing as ambivalence either. I love you mom, but I'm going to do that over here, from my house. Or from inside my bubble.

If we all had a little child acting like this, we would never take it so seriously. We'd probably also use discipline, but you can't do that with the elderly, and not end up in court with charges. But if you respond to the childish parts with the same seriousness you would with a real child, it helps. It makes it much easier to stay out of the emotional black hole of despair. It makes it easier to literally step away, out of earshot, out of sight, and out the door.

This sounds stupid, but it works for me. Sometimes I have to tell myself out loud that it's going to be OK. I do this when nobody is around, of course! It's going to be OK one way or another. Try telling yourself positive things that you'd tell a friend in the same situation. Saying it out loud often makes it stick.
(Otherwise, why did we spend so many years in school standing up to recite catechism Q&As?) On my dementia death bed I will be able to recite catechism if nothing else. Southern Baptists with catechism - go figure that one out!

(S.B.s are notoriously anti-Catholic ritual/routine, but have their own. Whatever.)

First, I did what I didn't think I could do, I called the hairdresser and asked her to do my mom's hair tomorrow. I am going away this weekend with my daughter so I decided to call and set it up without her permission. The dreaded phone call to let her know what was going on..
Me: Just got in from work.
Mom: I will trade you.
Me: I would like to.
Me: I called and got you an appointment for your hair tomorrow and she will come get you when she is ready for you.
Mom: --silence--
Me: Are you there?
Mom: Why?
Me; I am going with --daughter-- this weekend to a wedding.
Mom: Is she IN the wedding?
Me: Nope, It is a friend she went to college with and she wants me to go with her.
Mom: So, you aren't coming on Sunday?
Me: No,
Mom: Well, when are you leaving?
Me: Leaving Saturday morning, mom, it is a 3 hour drive.
Mom: Well, I hate that. --silence--
Me: I will come tomorrow sometime after work and fix your pill box.
Mom: hmm, well, I guess Ok then
Me: Ok, I will call you tomorrow and let you know when I am on my way
Mom: ok, --click-- (yes, she hung up)

Shew, I just took a deep breath and was glad that was over. Now, I have tomorrow to deal with and then I get the weekend off!! I am looking forward to more of these.
Why do they have to be so selfish and want everything to be about them. It didn't matter I was going with my daughter, all that mattered to her was I wasn't coming on Sunday and shame on me for not being there for her to do her hair. It may cost her some money tomorrow and I will hear about it. Main thing is, I did it and didn't ask her. That is just the way it needs to be.

Hope all is well with everyone else. Find something fun to do this weekend and don't feel guilty about it.

High five, Jewel!!! You did it!!M. Do you feel like Wonder Woman? I hope so! :). If you're like me, though, you're probably just relieved and drained, lol.
Have a Great time this weekend!

Jeweltone,
Oh the loves we care for. Just to have that bit of time is great, enjoy!!!!. GUILT, I feel I should open a coffee shop called Guilt or no guilt! creamer today, or
visit my mom. One a nice guilty pleasure, the other calories. How about name tags that we all ware that say, if it seems I am having a bad day, DO NOT ASK
ME WHY!. As we live this in our sleep, work, meals, famly events our lives are never clear, that is we are unable most of the time to say, yes, without a question I shall be at your party,dinner etc....

Time is presious, we are as well, yet, we just have to do soooooo! much. When someone will say you look tiered today, I say , well I am, very much so. I did not get my magic potion delivered today, next time I shall apply prior to our meeting.

Have a good time Jewel, and take pictures that will make you smile,laugh and have nothing but great memories from.
Jazmine1

Yay JEWEL!!

You did it and it will all be OK. You can be confident and react differently with her! More please!

Must be the moon phase or something. So many people at work have just been behaving like spoiled toddlers this week. I have had to clean up after several people who pooped on the meetings recently. Going around behind them, apologizing. Going to supervisors to make them aware they might be getting complaints. Oof. I even got my face melted off by another project manager yesterday. Hey lady, you asked ME to help out on your project. I don't have to be here. She does that again, and both of us are going to be in our boss's office with the HR lady and some paperwork. We have really strong anti-bullying rules here.

Here comes the weekend! WOohoo! I get a massage tonight. I am gathering up steam to do a mom visit sometime soon. I really like the in-between visit times.

Good deal, Jewel! Every time you assert yourself, it will be easier for you the next time. When my mom moved to the NH, she had to switch to the NH hairdresser because her regular hairdresser was no longer able to do her hair. She was pretty unhappy and expected me to change this somehow. Over three months later, she still hadn't made an appointment at the NH - it was like we were playing a game of "chicken" about hair. We were talking about hair at lunch one day and I wheeled her to the hairdresser board where you sign up and we put her name on there. It took one or two times before she found that the lady is really nice and Mom's hair looks pretty. Eat, drink and enjoy your precious trip with your daughter.

I came from mom's on a Friday since I won't be here for the weekend and I came with debbie downer attitude until I read your precious comments. Now, I have a big smile on my face. That woman can sure zap everything out of me, but you can sure put it all back, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

All I heard from her while I was there was, sniffle, sniffle, sniffle, I hate it here, I wish you would take me with you, so and so dont like me, I am an outcast here, the workers never check on me. She went on about how bad it was gettting her hair done (but what she doesn't know is the girl texted me afterwards and told me how much my mom laughed and talked) Then my mom told me the director never comes to see her anymore, well I couldn't keep my mouth shut on that one, because I saw her in the entry when I came in and she told me that she could hear my mom laughing from the salon and she went up to see her. I watched how I said it, but I told my mom that the lady said she stopped in to see her when she got her hair done. Do you know that she told me that was a lie?!? She told me that the girl never came to the salon. OMG!! I wanted to scream at her. I didn't, I just said, well maybe I misunderstood.

Today though, I will say, my mom asked me if she were losing her mind. I said what do you mean? She said, I can't remember anything anymore. I did tell her that they did say she had some form of dementia but not to worry. She realizes sometimes, but other times she thinks she is always right. The hard thing about it all is she really isn't that bad as far as memory, it is just the ability to reason, comprehend, and care for herself. I noticed it today as I fixed her pill box. She is starting to take from different days and then tells me I didn't fill it up correctly. She tells me it confuses her. She asked me several times about the weekend and how will it work with me not being there. This is when I know she truly is ill. The memory thing confuses me, because it is not so bad. I read over and over about dementia (frontal lobe) just to remind myself that it is what they tell me. Maybe too because she is better since she has been at AL and on a better schedule.

Thanks again for all the encouragement. You are the best!!! Have a great weekend, I plan on it myself. WOOHOO!!!!